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Author Topic: My uterus...my choice.(not about abortion)  (Read 881 times)

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Offline ThesunmaidTopic starter

My uterus...my choice.(not about abortion)
« on: February 13, 2013, 09:35:45 AM »
I was talking to someone the other day and apparently I am a terrible person because I have chosen not to have kids. I was actually told by a friend of my husbands I am apparently "wasting my life" because I have chosen not to have children of my own.

Back round on this. I have 3 step children as we as the oldest one has 2 children of her own. I don't see this as a waste really. I also have depression and hypothyroidism. Both of which are affected by hormones. My choice not to pop out some kids of my own is a decision that I made because my physical health would actually go wonky for one thing as well as my mental health is not exactly stable as I would like it.

My husband and I have agreed not to have any of our own kids. His youngest my step son has had alot of health problems and has literally almost died 3 separate times. He is getting healthier and is a fairly active kid and happy kid now which I am glad of. They actually wanted to put him up a grade because hes smart as a whip.And the health problems he has as well as being premature was most likely because his mother did drugs through her pregnancy and I realize that the chances of me having a kid with the same birth defects is 1 in 20 million but just everything combined honestly. I think I can be perfectly happy not to give birth. My aunt never married or had children and focused on her career and never felt that she lacked anything.

I was wondering if there are any others out there that agrees maybe? I mean I have no problem with kids..I just don't think me having my own is something that I want. I have thought long and hard about it...and quite honestly because of what I call Sharkweek. I would very much prefer to opt out of periods and other "gifts" of being a women personally. I like the having boobs part...But I could do with out the monthly bleeding thing. Bring on menopause or perhaps I can donate the parts to someone who could use them.

I just think theres more to being a woman then having children and it boggles my mind that someone says "your wasting your life" by deciding to not have kids. I have kids...my stepkids I worry over them and call them my daughter...my sons...my grandsons..why do I need to give birth to them to"complete myself"
« Last Edit: February 13, 2013, 09:54:11 AM by thesunmaid »

Offline Rhapsody

Re: My uterus...my choice.
« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2013, 09:40:35 AM »
You have kids. Just because you didn't squeeze them out doesn't mean they're not yours.


My suggestion: next time some jackass tells you you're wasting your life because you're not a good little brood mare, you tell him that there are plenty of kids in this world that need a mother, so unless he's suggesting you don't love your husband's children as you would your own, you don't want to hear another word about it.


And that's from someone who has chosen to give birth.

Offline Torch

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Re: My uterus...my choice.
« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2013, 09:42:05 AM »
why do I need to give birth to them to"complete myself"

You don't. No one, male or female, needs to have kids to complete themselves.

And I'm saying this as a breeder who has popped out two Demon Spawn of my own.

Reproduction is a choice, not an obligation. Quite frankly, there are plenty of folks who should never have had kids who have them anyway, for all the wrong reasons.

Offline Oniya

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Re: My uterus...my choice.
« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2013, 09:45:14 AM »
George and Martha Washington had no biological kids.   All of theirs were adopted.  Can this person honestly say that those people 'wasted their lives'?

Offline Monfang

Re: My uterus...my choice.
« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2013, 09:49:49 AM »
I thought this would be an abortion thing and I would have to spend time arguing for the sake of the father.

No, I haven't heard any reasonable statement that women should be obligated to bare children. The old idea comes from inheritance laws that said that property and the family name is passed from Father to son and a woman should try to give a man the ability to do that. (Not even the New Testament of the Bible, which is often the target of sexism claims, says women shouldn't feel obligated to produce children but instead asks that they assist in raising children already born.) But with modern inheritance laws making that unneeded, women shouldn't feel like they have to bare children, especially in your case where you are caring for three already.

Offline Purpitypurps

Re: My uterus...my choice.(not about abortion)
« Reply #5 on: February 13, 2013, 10:59:23 AM »
Monfang, I was thinking the same thing. I am pro choice, but both people involved should have that choice to make. Not just the woman.

So back to the topic at hand. Everyone here seems pretty spot on. Everyone has a life and what gives anyone the right to tell anyone else how to live their live and/or set life goals for others? My brother and sister in-law don't want to have kids, I would never consider telling my brother (in a serious matter) that his life is a waste because of his choice.

"I'm a person. Bret's a person. You're a person. That person over there is a person. And each person deserves to be treated like a person."

Offline Silverfyre

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Re: My uterus...my choice.(not about abortion)
« Reply #6 on: February 13, 2013, 11:08:36 AM »
The woman bares the child and it is her body; no man or any one for that matter should be allowed to force her to complete a pregnancy to term. Her body, her choice.

But I digress; that is not the topic at hand so let's not continue to make it an off-topic affair.  There are plenty of similar discussions going on in other parts of the board.

Torch said it perfectly.  You don't have to have children to be fulfilled in life.  You make your life and your choices for happiness; to hell with what other people say.

Offline Shjade

Re: My uterus...my choice.
« Reply #7 on: February 13, 2013, 11:06:42 PM »
No, I haven't heard any reasonable statement that women should be obligated to bare children.

Sadly, female medical personnel are often required to fulfill this very obligation. It's part of the job.

Offline Endorphin

Re: My uterus...my choice.(not about abortion)
« Reply #8 on: February 14, 2013, 03:40:17 AM »
Whilst people are entitled to their opinions, the only person who can decide on whether or not you have wasted your life is you.

Offline ThesunmaidTopic starter

Re: My uterus...my choice.(not about abortion)
« Reply #9 on: February 15, 2013, 04:40:23 AM »
I don't think I am wasting anything and I am probably doing something good for me and the possible kids since my depression is an issue and I would very much like not to become one of those women on the news that kill their kids because of postpartum psychosis...I suppose the simplest term for me is...I am too crazy to have kids of my own. And yes I am fully comfortable with my own insanity. And yes i do have some. Its just not me being quirky. But i found out that said friend of husbands tried to take her own life recently which I find immensely sad but also shaking my head at the reason.

She is depressed that her son will not talk to her about things in his life...yes because most 15 year old boys all they want to do is sit down and have a heart to heart with mom. I remember my stepson at 15...he was an angry secretive little demon spawn. But we got through that and now we have a pretty good relationship.

But said friend obviously has other problems besides the contents of my uterus. I am hoping that this might wake her up to the fact that she needs help.

Offline Caitlin

Re: My uterus...my choice.(not about abortion)
« Reply #10 on: February 15, 2013, 04:58:29 AM »
I'm currnetly single and I'd love to get children someday, however, I also understand that some people don't want to and I think that other people should respect that decision. Getting children doesn't equal getting happier, in fact, many couples without children are a lot happier than those with, and that's without taking into regards all the other things you mentioned.

My view to having children is therefore the same as it is on religion, to each his own. If want to have them it's fine, if not it's also fine. People have the freedom to make their own decisions in life and what works for one person doesn't have to work for another.

I don't know if this was helpful in any way, but I hope you realise that there are also people who understand your point of view, even if they want kids themselves. (Or kid in my case, since having two children is probably going to be too expensive where I live :-( .)

Offline Star Safyre

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Re: My uterus...my choice.(not about abortion)
« Reply #11 on: February 15, 2013, 05:14:00 AM »
I have 70 kids.  Last year, I had 65.  Being a teacher, I influence, advise, care for, and worry about more kids than most people see in a day.  Sure, I didn't give birth to them, they're assigned to me rather arbitrarily, and I'm sometimes happy to hand them back at the end of the day or the school year, but for every one that drives me nuts, there's six I adore and have the highest of hopes for.

We choose which of seeds of the future we want to water.  If those flowers will be your own biological children, those of your kin, those you adopt, or those you mentor, that doesn't detract from the joy of knowing you've helped a beautiful, loving person become who they are.

Online Pumpkin Seeds

Re: My uterus...my choice.
« Reply #12 on: February 15, 2013, 06:07:59 AM »
Sadly, female medical personnel are often required to fulfill this very obligation. It's part of the job.

Wait..what am I doing!?

Offline Ryuka Tana

Re: My uterus...my choice.(not about abortion)
« Reply #13 on: February 15, 2013, 06:40:51 AM »
"This is one of those topics that makes me wonder: 'Why is anyone even talking about this?' Seriously, the only answer to someone who insists you must have children (and more than that, physically give birth, despite your raising children anyway), is 'Fuck you' and then not associating with that person anymore. Such people really are really just a waste of time and breath. That may seem harsh, but if you're such a waste of life, why should they talk to you anyway? More to the point, why the fuck should you talk to anyone who would degrade you that way?"

"I have no kids, I have no plans to have kids, and honestly, I think there should be more ways to prevent people who shouldn't be having children from having them, not the other way around. The world doesn't need more bratty children, broken homes, orphans, child abuse, and overpopulation. If you (and only you) felt an obligation to take care of more children of your own, there are plenty of children already out there that could use it."

"Either way, don't agonize over idiots that don't deserve your time. These are people who have deemed you less than them, people who think that they can make judgments over decisions you make that have zero effect on them. That's unacceptable behavior, and you should make that clear."

Online PaleEnchantress

Re: My uterus...my choice.(not about abortion)
« Reply #14 on: February 16, 2013, 05:22:59 PM »
I honestly think the world is overpopulated and that people should have less children. Sometimes I think the poorest people have the most kids.

Really if you want to talk about leaving something behind why would you want it to be some trace of your DNA? Was that woman saying a man who goes around and has unprotected sex with numerous women ,creating many unwanted children, is doing more with his life than Mother Theresa did? (I don't believe she had biological children.)

I also mirror Ryuka's sentiment. Though I understand why we are talking about it. When I encounter something so asinine I often have to ask around to see if somehow many people follow that idea and I just never noticed. I don't believe "you must biologically procreate at all costs" is a popular belief in any advanced nation.
« Last Edit: February 16, 2013, 05:26:04 PM by PaleEnchantress »

Offline AriesMouse

Re: My uterus...my choice.(not about abortion)
« Reply #15 on: February 16, 2013, 11:43:26 PM »
Though I'm still a bit young to have this decision set in stone, I'm fairly certain I don't ever want to have kids. I did some work for my cousin babysitting, and every day I'd think to myself "I'd never do this if I wasn't getting paid".

I agree with your choice, and I honestly think more people should embrace that choice as a good thing. We shouldn't have the obligation to breed anymore, the earth is populated enough as is, we're not in any trouble, so why clog it up with more children?

The fact that you have step kids should be enough to anyone outside looking in. I'm going to assume you as a person, and a mother to those kids get all the gratification/fulfillment you need. Just because you didn't birth them doesn't mean you don't get the same rewards as any other mother, getting to teach them, watch them grow, etc. The world needs more women like you.

I myself and happy with fur-babies in the form of dobermans. <3

Offline ThesunmaidTopic starter

Re: My uterus...my choice.(not about abortion)
« Reply #16 on: February 18, 2013, 04:33:11 AM »
lol well i have 3 furbabies too in the form of cats. I had considered becoming a crazy cat lady at one time. I would have fluffy 1 through 29 and a large ginger cat named Mr fluffelton the 3rd.and I would have a big house covered in cat toys and litter boxes and i would sit on my porch and tell kids to get the hell off my lawn.

but that career path is not going to happen...crazy cat ladies can't be happily married lol ahh well I have step kids.

and as for babysitting...I know a couple with three boys...i watched them as a favour for a friend and by the end i wanted to do a home hysterectomy (hand me my pliars, bottle of whisky and kitchen knife!) because these kids were completely out of control. I was like Jesus fuck if these were my kids they would not be acting like this. They were fighting getting into everything and even told me to fuck off when i tried to stop the oldest one. So for teenage pregnancies all you have to do is leave them in a room with these kids and you will never want to reproduce ever!

I don't have a problem with people wanting kids...I am not a militant kid hater...but if you cannot raise your kids to have manners and consideration for others...you should have it either tied in a knot and sewn shut. I mean you need a licence to drive a car but any one with a sperm and an egg are allowed to have kids. I know freedom of their bodies and such...but when you hear these stories about people who neglect their kids beat them and then have them taken away and take a few parenting classes and then the kids are given back rinse repeat...come on.

And star you teachers should get paid way more than you do...people don't even think about it...they will research and check up on day care but teachers have it much harder when you have asshole parents who think their precious bundle is perfect and its somehow the teachers fault that they are little dipshits. I think teachers should get the same pay as pro athletes...so should nurses. they deal with all the messy stuff and family members freaking out.

but yes...some people should not be allowed to have kids..My step sons mother had been apparently "counting down the days" to march break where she can get rid of him for a week by giving him to us. She has been counting down since November..*sighs*

Offline Chris Brady

Re: My uterus...my choice.(not about abortion)
« Reply #17 on: February 18, 2013, 06:28:18 AM »
I have 70 kids.  Last year, I had 65.  Being a teacher, I influence, advise, care for, and worry about more kids than most people see in a day.  Sure, I didn't give birth to them, they're assigned to me rather arbitrarily, and I'm sometimes happy to hand them back at the end of the day or the school year, but for every one that drives me nuts, there's six I adore and have the highest of hopes for.

We choose which of seeds of the future we want to water.  If those flowers will be your own biological children, those of your kin, those you adopt, or those you mentor, that doesn't detract from the joy of knowing you've helped a beautiful, loving person become who they are.

Can, can I hug you?  You're the type of teacher I wish I had in school.

Silverfyre won't mind, yes?

Offline ThesunmaidTopic starter

Re: My uterus...my choice.(not about abortion)
« Reply #18 on: February 18, 2013, 09:45:09 AM »
On an unrelated not it makes me giggle that they have a go down button..I know its for scrolling but this is me being sort of immature hehehehe

Offline AriesMouse

Re: My uterus...my choice.(not about abortion)
« Reply #19 on: February 18, 2013, 12:42:18 PM »
lol well i have 3 furbabies too in the form of cats. I had considered becoming a crazy cat lady at one time. I would have fluffy 1 through 29 and a large ginger cat named Mr fluffelton the 3rd.and I would have a big house covered in cat toys and litter boxes and i would sit on my porch and tell kids to get the hell off my lawn.

but that career path is not going to happen...crazy cat ladies can't be happily married lol ahh well I have step kids.

and as for babysitting...I know a couple with three boys...i watched them as a favour for a friend and by the end i wanted to do a home hysterectomy (hand me my pliars, bottle of whisky and kitchen knife!) because these kids were completely out of control. I was like Jesus fuck if these were my kids they would not be acting like this. They were fighting getting into everything and even told me to fuck off when i tried to stop the oldest one. So for teenage pregnancies all you have to do is leave them in a room with these kids and you will never want to reproduce ever!

I don't have a problem with people wanting kids...I am not a militant kid hater...but if you cannot raise your kids to have manners and consideration for others...you should have it either tied in a knot and sewn shut. I mean you need a licence to drive a car but any one with a sperm and an egg are allowed to have kids. I know freedom of their bodies and such...but when you hear these stories about people who neglect their kids beat them and then have them taken away and take a few parenting classes and then the kids are given back rinse repeat...come on.

And star you teachers should get paid way more than you do...people don't even think about it...they will research and check up on day care but teachers have it much harder when you have asshole parents who think their precious bundle is perfect and its somehow the teachers fault that they are little dipshits. I think teachers should get the same pay as pro athletes...so should nurses. they deal with all the messy stuff and family members freaking out.

but yes...some people should not be allowed to have kids..My step sons mother had been apparently "counting down the days" to march break where she can get rid of him for a week by giving him to us. She has been counting down since November..*sighs*

You're my hero. <3  I can't agree more with your line of thinking. <fangirl squee>

On a more serious note, I really, honestly think they should make new laws about having babies. With how hard it is for people to adopt, it should be just as hard for someone to have a kid. Tests should need to be passed, inspections made, health evaluations done. I know its a big "easier said than done", but if they could manage it, I think the world would be a better place (or at least the US. Less teen pregnancy PLEASE FFS ). If it were for religious reasons we could probably make some form of birth control that a person is required to take until like, age 18 (no disrespect to religion of course). That in it self would solve so many problems. I could probably rant about this for hours. D:

As for baby sitting, I was watching a 3 month old, and she was heartbreakingly adorable. She was sweet, and well behaved, only have maybe 3 bad days of fussiness out of the 5 months I watched her. It was just stressful some times. Tiresome, and I donno, maybe I'm a priss, but I really don't like being drooled/spit-up on. I was grateful that she was fed on breast milk, so it really took out a lot of the nasty smells a lot of formula fed babies have ( my nephew is a big example of that, and a whole other rant about bad parenting). Just doing it for 8-9 hours a day, Mon-Fri was enough to make me not want kids, I could never imagine doing it 24/7.

I'd also like to agree that teachers deserve so much better treatment. I saw the bad end of their low pay and annoying students when I was in school. So many teachers just seemed to stop caring. =\ 

Offline Rhapsody

Re: My uterus...my choice.(not about abortion)
« Reply #20 on: February 18, 2013, 12:48:41 PM »
You're my hero. <3  I can't agree more with your line of thinking. <fangirl squee>

On a more serious note, I really, honestly think they should make new laws about having babies. With how hard it is for people to adopt, it should be just as hard for someone to have a kid. Tests should need to be passed, inspections made, health evaluations done. I know its a big "easier said than done", but if they could manage it, I think the world would be a better place (or at least the US. Less teen pregnancy PLEASE FFS ). If it were for religious reasons we could probably make some form of birth control that a person is required to take until like, age 18 (no disrespect to religion of course). That in it self would solve so many problems. I could probably rant about this for hours. D:

That's one extreme that would turn us into China. If the government wants less teen pregnancy, they need to promote safe sex education and stop demonizing Planned Parenthood. While these things certainly wouldn't end teen pregnancy, they help alleviate the problem.

Quote
As for baby sitting, I was watching a 3 month old, and she was heartbreakingly adorable. She was sweet, and well behaved, only have maybe 3 bad days of fussiness out of the 5 months I watched her. It was just stressful some times. Tiresome, and I donno, maybe I'm a priss, but I really don't like being drooled/spit-up on. I was grateful that she was fed on breast milk, so it really took out a lot of the nasty smells a lot of formula fed babies have ( my nephew is a big example of that, and a whole other rant about bad parenting). Just doing it for 8-9 hours a day, Mon-Fri was enough to make me not want kids, I could never imagine doing it 24/7.

I'd also like to agree that teachers deserve so much better treatment. I saw the bad end of their low pay and annoying students when I was in school. So many teachers just seemed to stop caring. =\

I have great respect for teachers. When I saw this, I couldn't help but agree:
Spoiler: Click to Show/Hide
Teachers’ hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work 9 or 10 months a year. It’s time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do – babysit.  We can get that for less than minimum wage.

That’s right. Let’s give them $3 an hour and only the hours they worked; not any of that silly planning time, or any time they spend before or after school. That would be $19.50 a day (7:45 to 3:00 PM with 45 min. off for lunch and plan– that equals 6 1/2 hours).

Each parent should pay $19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children. Now how many students do they teach in a day…maybe 30? So that’s $19.50 x 30 = $585.00 a day.

However, remember they only work 180 days a year. I am not going to pay them for any vacations.

LET’S SEE…That’s $585 X 180= $105,300 per year. (Hold on. My calculator needs new batteries.)

What about those special education teachers and the ones with master’s degrees? Well, we could pay them minimum wage ($7.75), and just to be fair, round it off to $8.00 an hour. That would be $8 X 6 1/2 hours X 30 children X 180 days = $280,800 per year.

Wait a minute — there’s something wrong here. There sure is.

The average teacher’s salary (nationwide) is $50,000. $50,000/180 days = $277.77/per day/30 students=$9.25/6.5 hours = $1.42 per hour per student– a very inexpensive baby-sitter and they even EDUCATE your kids!)

WHAT A DEAL!

–From Maureen Downey, for the AJC Get Schooled blog

Offline Monfang

Re: My uterus...my choice.(not about abortion)
« Reply #21 on: February 18, 2013, 12:57:10 PM »
I wouldn't mind running it like that, Rhapsody.

On a sidebar, the only reason why I dislike Planned Parenthood is because they were started by Margret Stranger. Look up her history and remember, according  to her, I shouldn't be allowed to procreate.

Offline Iniquitous

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Re: My uterus...my choice.(not about abortion)
« Reply #22 on: February 25, 2013, 05:59:45 PM »
"On a sidebar, the only reason why I dislike Planned Parenthood is because they were started by Margret Stranger. Look up her history and remember, according  to her, I shouldn't be allowed to procreate."

Want to give some context on why you think she believed you shouldn't be allowed to procreate? There's nothing in Margaret Sanger's history that says she believed any certain people should not procreate***. Maybe you need to reread her history.

As for Planned Parenthood - it helps untold numbers of females receive the medical care that they otherwise would not receive. It helps females obtain birth control and teaches responsible sex education.

Back on topic - the friend that made the comment likely did not stop to think how hurtful/infuriating those words would be. It likely never crossed their mind that step children can be loved just as much as a biological child (people who have never been in a situation of raising step children just dont understand it.) A simple statement of 'well, I do not see my life as being wasted. Besides, I'm mothering x number of children - unless you believe all adoptive parents are wasting their lives as well.' No need to get rude about it. Just let it roll off your back and remind them that their opinions are just that... theirs.


***Correction - yes, Mrs. Sanger did believe in eugenics though I personally do not find fault in her opinions on such since they were not the radical views on eugenics that the Nazis espoused. I tend to be in agreement with the idea that a responsible person should consider all factors, including genetics, before procreating. The thing is, Mrs. Sanger was not in favor of state run eugenics but rather believed the responsibility for birth control should remain in the hands of able-minded individual parents.
« Last Edit: February 25, 2013, 06:51:46 PM by Iniquitous Opheliac »