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Author Topic: Are You Cheating By Playing Here?  (Read 1235 times)

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Offline Whispered TruthsTopic starter

Are You Cheating By Playing Here?
« on: December 09, 2012, 09:26:40 AM »
Addendum:

What is your opinion on role playing with someone in a relationship or married?
What is your opinion if you are the person in said relationships?
What do you consider to be cheating? Thank you.

Offline Allie Truist

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Re: Are You Cheating By Playing Here?
« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2012, 09:54:54 AM »
Addendum:

What is your opinion on role playing with someone in a relationship or married?
What is your opinion if you are the person in said relationships?
What do you consider to be cheating? Thank you.

1. It's not my responsibility to try to meddle in the personal lives of others to satisfy my own sense of morality. Plus, to be honest, I don't really care.

2. I would only feel guilty if I was being particularly deceptive about the whole matter. While ideally I would want to be totally open and honest with my partner, if he's not at all involved or aware of online roleplaying, it may be a bit of an awkward subject to raise, especially if it's a new relationship. However, eventually I would inform them that I write with others online, and that I hope he's comfortable with that as it is a creative outlet that makes me happy.

3. Being intentionally deceptive and/or growing overly attached to others when you are in a closed, monogamous relationship. Every couple is different, and while I would have no problem with my partner roleplaying online, I would be hurt if he had been hiding it from me and it turned out to be a major part of his life. Additionally, there's various degrees of cheating. While I may consider roleplaying with others online and being very deceptive about it as cheating, it's not comparable to having an actual affair, whether it's physical or emotional. It's not something that would necessarily ruin the relationship, or even be a major problem, just something that would require clarification and honesty.

However, I do not label those that roleplay without informing their RL partners as cheaters. It's not my place to judge others. Personally, I find that concealing things only makes it worse, and I know that I dislike being misled, so I try not to do that to others. It is what tends to work form me. :)

Offline Moraline

Re: Are You Cheating By Playing Here?
« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2012, 09:57:55 AM »
Quote
What is your opinion on role playing with someone in a relationship or married?
Forum RP is collaborative writing. Their relationship status is irrelevant to me. My characters involve themselves with other characters, not with real people.

Quote
What is your opinion if you are the person in said relationships?
I'm open minded beyond just forum role playing.

Quote
What do you consider to be cheating?
Cheating is the breaking of a commitment to another person. It's the violation of their trust.

I personally feel that Forum RP is collaborative writing and not cheating. Now if your having cybersex and your significant other doesn't approve of that, it's cheating. However, that's just my idea of commitment. Others may vary.


Offline Whispered TruthsTopic starter

Re: Are You Cheating By Playing Here?
« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2012, 10:07:45 AM »
I'm open minded beyond just forum role playing.

Can you please elaborate on this?

Offline Lilias

Re: Are You Cheating By Playing Here?
« Reply #4 on: December 09, 2012, 10:08:36 AM »
Why would someone's relationship status have anything at all to do with the creation of a work of fiction? ???

Cheating by definition involves deception, and the definition of deception can be different according to the rules of each relationship. In short, your mileage may vary.

Offline Moraline

Re: Are You Cheating By Playing Here?
« Reply #5 on: December 09, 2012, 10:20:28 AM »
Can you please elaborate on this?

I believe in sexually open relationships. My significant other(SO) and I openly engage in sexual activities with other people. Which really has nothing to do with Forum RP. I'm just saying that It wouldn't bother me at all if my SO did collaborative writing through forum RP or if she had cybersex with someone. I don't equate our emotional loving relationship with sex. In face to face life, she has multiple sexual partners and so do I.

Also, I think it's important to reiterate that I believe the same as Lilias.

Forum RP is creative fiction/aka collaborative writing. It's not cybersex.

If you get off on it or not is up to you, but it's just fiction. Like reading an erotic novel, only your the writer.

If you and your forum partner are actively engaging each other in talking about your real selves then it's cybersex and that's different.

Offline Beguile's Mistress

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Re: Are You Cheating By Playing Here?
« Reply #6 on: December 09, 2012, 10:34:52 AM »
I don't see writing with a partner online to be cheating when there is sexual content.  It's writing.  I'd talk about it with an SO or prospective one if it raised issues between us but until it comes to that I'd keep on writing.  I don't care about the other partner's relationship status when it comes to writing.

One of these threads pops up every few months and my feelings about cheating haven't changed in the dozen or so times I've encountered this question over the last three years. 

Once you've defined the boundaries of your relationship between you and your partner(s) crossing that line is cheating.  I believe in monogamy and exclusivity and trust.  To ME that's normal.  Going outside that isn't abnormal or wrong.  It's just not for me or what I want in a committed relationship.

Offline Whispered TruthsTopic starter

Re: Are You Cheating By Playing Here?
« Reply #7 on: December 09, 2012, 10:36:38 AM »
Why would someone's relationship status have anything at all to do with the creation of a work of fiction? ???

Cheating by definition involves deception, and the definition of deception can be different according to the rules of each relationship. In short, your mileage may vary.
Can you please voice more of your own opinion? What is your mileage on cheating? I can only assume that you agree with the definition you gave, but it is still unclear to me whether or not you do.
Also, what are your opinions on the questions, or do you agree with Moraline's assessment of your response?

Offline Lilias

Re: Are You Cheating By Playing Here?
« Reply #8 on: December 09, 2012, 10:46:59 AM »
Can you please voice more of your own opinion? What is your mileage on cheating? I can only assume that you agree with the definition you gave, but it is still unclear to me whether or not you do.
Also, what are your opinions on the questions, or do you agree with Moraline's assessment of your response?

Cheating is having a parallel relationship that violates the terms of one's primary relationship. The line can be drawn at different points - for some, a kiss is cheating; for others, another sexual partner on the side still isn't - but no matter where it is, it can be crossed.

On the other hand, all I do with my partners here is write fiction, and I can't even imagine writing falling into cheating territory, no matter how narrow the relationship boundaries are.

I'm married, monogamous, utterly uninterested in being anything but friends with the people I meet here. My husband is a member as well (I brought him over because I enjoyed writing with him as well), so he has access to all my stories. It's all so transparent, there's not even a speck to allow for nominal deception.

If any of my partners consider what they create with me to be cheating, well, we're all adults here and it's up to them to deal with the situation. One character I refuse to write is someone else's conscience.

Offline Star Safyre

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Re: Are You Cheating By Playing Here?
« Reply #9 on: December 09, 2012, 11:02:05 AM »
Quote
What is your opinion on role playing with someone in a relationship or married?
Being married as well, I actually prefer it.  It means we as writers have more in common to establish a friendship on.  Also, I feel that if someone is in a happy relationship, they're more likely to respect my own and not get weird by thinking that anything our characters do or feel has any reflection on what I think about my coauthor.

Quote
What is your opinion if you are the person in said relationships?
I rather enjoy being married, thank you very much.  ;D  Honestly, I'm not sure what sort of answer you're looking for here.  If it's a question of whether what I writes influences my marriage, it doesn't.  The fiction I write or the character I create have no more impact on my relationship than the books I read or the movies I watch.


Quote
What do you consider to be cheating?

Breaking the clearly expressed promises to your partner or violating your partner's trust.  If you make a promise, you honor it, no matter what it is.  If your partner trusts you to behave or feel a certain way and has expressed that, that should be honored as well.


As for whether writing on E is considered cheating, I'm also in the camp of fiction writing is not cheating.  If I wrote a children's story with someone, it would be difficult to find someone who thought I was cheating on my husband by doing so.  Just because what I'm writing is in a different genre doesn't change that for me and mine.  I think the issue people might have is the unresistricted discussion of personal kinks that often accompanies collaborating on an erotic story that both writers would enjoy.  It's entirely possible for me to talk about sexual elements in a story without getting into the personal detail about my own sexuality and the reality of my sexual habits/needs.  Collaborative writing, no matter the genre, is an objective process for me, not a intimate or personal one.
« Last Edit: December 09, 2012, 11:10:16 AM by Star Safyre »

Online Callie Del Noire

Re: Are You Cheating By Playing Here?
« Reply #10 on: December 09, 2012, 11:32:30 AM »
I know that gaming HAS been used as a justification for 'cheating'. I used to play with a couple folks.. ironically one of their spouses accused her of cheating with me online. Ironic cause she hadn't done it.. but wound up moving down to meet ANOTHER player in the group, then marrying him. Of course part of the fall out of all that was I wound up losing both my friends and they never talk to me anymore.


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Re: Are You Cheating By Playing Here?
« Reply #11 on: December 09, 2012, 11:44:33 AM »
Cheating is defined as 'breaking the rules'.  The 'rules' in any relationship are defined by the people in the relationship, and only by them.

Offline Caremejo

Re: Are You Cheating By Playing Here?
« Reply #12 on: December 09, 2012, 11:51:22 AM »
Quote
What is your opinion on role playing with someone in a relationship or married?

I'm indifferent to my ERP partner's real world relationships. If I was told it was causing them a problem at home, I would stop role playing with them. But my assumption is there is no problem and I generally don't know my partner's real life relationships.

Quote
What is your opinion if you are the person in said relationships?

I do not consider it to be cheating. Mind you, I'm in a casual dating relationship, but he often sits behind me on the couch when I'm typing and he's catching up on the news (I know, I know, real exciting relationship, lol) and while he doesn't read word for word what I'm writing, he does know I do erotic role play.
 
Quote
What do you consider to be cheating? Thank you.

Physical contact (I'm not talking shaking hands or a quick hug and peck at church, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about).

Real emotional contact. Not game playing, but Skying, cam play, IMing, etc., not in a game context, but as real people and forming bonds and connections that intrude on the committed couple relationship. This is more of a gray area, because you can have friends of the opposite sex, but at a certain point, you're in a relationship with another person. Keep in mind, I  am (serial) monogamous and my sexual relationships are not open, but rather exclusive for however long we are a couple.

Offline Whispered TruthsTopic starter

Re: Are You Cheating By Playing Here?
« Reply #13 on: December 09, 2012, 12:07:07 PM »
Cheating is defined as 'breaking the rules'.  The 'rules' in any relationship are defined by the people in the relationship, and only by them.


Therefore, I respond and ask the same as I had with Lilias' response.

Offline Whispered TruthsTopic starter

Re: Are You Cheating By Playing Here?
« Reply #14 on: December 09, 2012, 12:09:15 PM »
I know that gaming HAS been used as a justification for 'cheating'. I used to play with a couple folks.. ironically one of their spouses accused her of cheating with me online. Ironic cause she hadn't done it.. but wound up moving down to meet ANOTHER player in the group, then marrying him. Of course part of the fall out of all that was I wound up losing both my friends and they never talk to me anymore.

What are your opinions on the questions the topic asks?

Offline Remy

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Re: Are You Cheating By Playing Here?
« Reply #15 on: December 09, 2012, 12:12:33 PM »

 I'm happily married, and there's nothing lacking in my marriage that leads me to seek an outlet online.  I roleplay, that's all. I love writing, and in particular erotica, but do not see roleplaying as a form of cheating unless it's hidden because of the hurt it might cause a husband/wife/partner, and I tend to drawn to partners who say they're like minded, ie married and happily so. ( yes I know there's no way of confirming that online, but it's all a person has)

 I personally don't engage in any writing via email or pm, chat or any other means that isn't publicly available to be seen as I know it would cause great harm to my relationship with him and break his trust; and secondly it's out of my own personal comfort levels anyway so it's a nonstarter.  I roleplay in the open forum where my husband can see what I'm doing and I have a safety net of others around if a partner should cross the line between fiction and reality. 

There's no closing of computer windows when my man is in the room, he's fully aware of what I'm doing.  If I can't show him, and have to hide it, then that's cheating.  At least in my book. 
There should be no secrets. 

I am also through a process of trial and error, very careful about whom I write with.  I take my time before committing myself to a new story with a partner that's new to me and any issues I may have had was down to inexperience on my part in not being careful enough.

Dont' know if that really answered the  questions, but great topic.
« Last Edit: December 09, 2012, 12:14:35 PM by Remy »

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Re: Are You Cheating By Playing Here?
« Reply #16 on: December 09, 2012, 12:25:35 PM »
What are your opinions on the questions the topic asks?

What are yours?

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Re: Are You Cheating By Playing Here?
« Reply #17 on: December 09, 2012, 12:25:51 PM »
I know that gaming HAS been used as a justification for 'cheating'. I used to play with a couple folks.. ironically one of their spouses accused her of cheating with me online. Ironic cause she hadn't done it.. but wound up moving down to meet ANOTHER player in the group, then marrying him. Of course part of the fall out of all that was I wound up losing both my friends and they never talk to me anymore.

:(

That doesn't sound like fun at all, Callie. I've heard before about people who sort of ... take the stance that "Well, I didn't cheat but if you're going to accuse me of it all the time, then I'm going to stop trying so hard not to." It seems kind of immature to me, but I wonder if your friend took that sort of 'screw it' approach to things.

Offline Torch

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Re: Are You Cheating By Playing Here?
« Reply #18 on: December 09, 2012, 12:36:57 PM »
Addendum:

What is your opinion on role playing with someone in a relationship or married?

Why would I care what their personal status is? My writing partners and I are creating fictional characters, not engaging in real-life relationships.

Quote
What is your opinion if you are the person in said relationships?

My opinion on what and in which "said relationship" are you referring? Your question is quite vague.

Quote
What do you consider to be cheating? Thank you.

My personal definition of cheating is breaking whatever rules or boundaries each partner has established for their relationship. Those rules and boundaries are different for each relationship and one size does not fit all.

Offline Caitlin

Re: Are You Cheating By Playing Here?
« Reply #19 on: December 09, 2012, 12:51:09 PM »
What is your opinion on role playing with someone in a relationship or married?
Let's first look at role playing versus having actual feelings towards one another. The latter can be considered as a form of cheating, but it's in a very grey area since no physical contact is involved. As roleplaying you play a role, the same way an actor plays in a series or movies on television. I doubt they'd consider it cheating whenever they have to kiss a colleague in front of the cameras or fake sex with them between the sheets. To them it's just their job, the same way role playing is a hobby to us.

Quote
What is your opinion if you are the person in said relationships?
I don't mind at it at all. If I did have a problem with then I might as well stop writing romance novels. After all, the characters in there are engaging in sex too. In fact, you might as well consider masturbating as a form of cheating as well in that case.

Quote
What do you consider to be cheating? Thank you.
Cyber sex could be considered a form of cheating, but role playing definitely is not. As long as you can distinguish between IC and OOC you're fine. Feelings that characters have IC are not what people are necessarily feeling OOC. Heck, my characters have relationships occasionally with characters that are played by males. If role playing is cheating then it'd mean I'm also bisexual, but I can assure you that I'm heterosexual in real life.

Online Callie Del Noire

Re: Are You Cheating By Playing Here?
« Reply #20 on: December 09, 2012, 12:51:28 PM »
What are your opinions on the questions the topic asks?

I think the guy involved was inflating issues to cover the fact that his marriage was falling apart and he had purposely ignored his spouse and child till she went to see a lawyer and used our online friendship as a way to get the moral high ground when he went to court in a panic.

I was no threat.. since I chatted/played with her for like 2 hours a day at most.. 4 days a week.. and literally was half a world away and we'd never met or planned to.

He bailed on child support and alimony after.. then went in paid and used his new status as a way to ensure he got partial custody and made her bounce between his home and hers in florida till he ruined her current marriage.

I think it's used as an excuse more often than it is an actual cause for problems.

That being said.. I miss my friends a lot.

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Re: Are You Cheating By Playing Here?
« Reply #21 on: December 09, 2012, 01:09:51 PM »


Therefore, I respond and ask the same as I had with Lilias' response.

Since you haven't posted your own opinions, I can only assume you're looking for data.  You can find a bunch more of that here. 

Offline Lilias

Re: Are You Cheating By Playing Here?
« Reply #22 on: December 09, 2012, 01:35:55 PM »
Since you haven't posted your own opinions, I can only assume you're looking for data.  You can find a bunch more of that here.

Also here, here, here, here, here and here.

It's a perennial topic, after all.

Offline Whispered TruthsTopic starter

Re: Are You Cheating By Playing Here?
« Reply #23 on: December 09, 2012, 01:50:18 PM »
Since you haven't posted your own opinions, I can only assume you're looking for data.  You can find a bunch more of that here.
Sorry, that assumption is wrong. You also did not give me the chance to respond to your question. Perhaps I wanted to view other opinions in order to accurately and fully formulate my own opinion. I simply did not yet feel obligated to voice my opinion, as I will assume you do not also since you still did not directly answer the questions.

I was also unaware that there were similar topics, but would think that is irreverent considering said topics have died. That said, my intention was and is not to annoy or judge anyone with creating a similar thread that happens to be a popular topic. Therefore, all is fair in having similar threads, it's everyone's right.

Also here, here, here, here, here and here.

It's a perennial topic, after all.

Thank you for taking so much time to look for those. ;D I will review them, too.

Dont' know if that really answered the  questions, but great topic.

Thank you, Remy. =}

Offline Whispered TruthsTopic starter

Re: Are You Cheating By Playing Here?
« Reply #24 on: December 09, 2012, 02:06:01 PM »
My opinion on what and in which "said relationship" are you referring? Your question is quite vague.

Simply, your opinion on whether or not it is cheating if you are RPing with someone, and you are the one in a relationship/married. It seemed redundant to repeat what was already in the topic question and the question before this one is all.