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Author Topic: Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)  (Read 8629 times)

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Offline shooter6806Topic starter

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Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)
« on: October 25, 2012, 02:27:14 PM »
Domestic violence.  Domestic abuse.  Whatever you want to call it, it affects more people than we imagine.  Less than half of all domestic abuse incidents are reported to police, and despite improvements in laws regarding domestic abuse, even when they are reported, the response is often less effective than it should be.

In real life, Iím a police officer.  Iíve handled literally hundreds of domestic abuse calls.  Iíve had male victims, female victims, children victimized both directly and by having to watch their parents beating one another up.  Iíve dealt with everything from too much harsh language to murder/suicide.  I did it all with the detachment necessary of a professional, and however sympathetic the victim was and however horrific the crime was, I kept my feelings out of the situation. 

All that changed earlier this week. 

Iíve been writing with Seren here on Elliquiy for almost three months.  Sheís fun to write with, and we PMíd each other several times a day.  We respected each otherís privacy, but we developed the kind of friendship that is quite common here.  A couple of nights ago we were PMing each other as usual when she started sending me messages that were deadly serious and frightening.  ďPlease tell me youíll be here for me.Ē  ďI canít do this any more.Ē  ďIím scared.Ē 

After a bit of coaxing, she told me that her husband had beaten her up a couple of days before, and that he had started again that night before passing out.  I told her to get out, call 911, go to a friendís house.  She was too embarrassed to do that.

Then she went off-line.

Itís still difficult for me to think about that moment.  Hereís a woman I had developed a real friendship with, who wanted my help and comfort.  I didnít know if her husband had killed her.  I had no way to contact her.  I didnít even know her real name.  I had never felt more helpless than that instant.

I dithered for about an hour.  Then I remembered something she had mentioned to me about her real life about a month ago.  Google is my friend.  It took me about forty-five minutes, but I found her real name and the town she lived in.  I finally managed to contact the police there, and told them what she had told me.  The next half-hour was one of the longest in my life.  By this time it was after midnight.

Finally I got a PM from Seren with her cell phone number.  I called her and we talked.  For me, domestic abuse was no longer an abstraction or something that I deal with and wash my hands of.  I felt like my insides had been twisted around several times.  Our friendship has turned from an electronic abstraction to something very real. 

I contacted one of the Elliquiy staff to find out if there was any way to help members who might be in abusive relationships, and this blog was suggested to me.  Seren agreed to write it with me and give the perspective of a real victim.  Obviously, we wonít be giving out any identifying information, but weíll try to share what weíve experienced and hopefully be able to help members who are in trouble.

If youíre in an abusive relationship, donít be ashamed or embarrassed.  Get help.  Suffering in silence is the worst thing you can do.

Offline ElizabethRayne

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Re: Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)
« Reply #1 on: October 25, 2012, 04:23:17 PM »
I'm glad to see this written and hope others take notice.

I myself dealt with abuse I had always said the moment someone I loved hurt me like that made me feel less then I should that I would leave. Yet a year and a half into dating my ex I was hiding bruises from my parents. Pretending everything was ok.

I kept telling myself everything would be ok he didn't mean it. He told me all the time how much he loved me Howe would kill himself if I ever left. Said if I ever cheated on him he would kill me. He made me feel as if I was not worth it that no one else would want me or would want to put up with my whining.

When I finally left him it took the support of my friends and family the hardest thing I did was admit everything to my mother. I canceled my cell phone got rid of our house phone I was spending a good deal of time at a friends house that I thought my ex knew nothing about they had just moved in to the place.

When I left one morning around 3am and saw him standing down the street on the corner looking up at the house I went back inside and the next day was when we started with the restraining order.

But he used to do that to me a lot drive by the house at all hours show up at my job and just sit on the parking lot.

I left that behind and it was is if he was still in my life. The best day I had in a while after that was a day he didnt drive by the house or show up at my work.

Eventually he stopped all together and I hope he found help he always promised me he would see someone about his anger.

Not everyone steps up or feels they can leave but you can. No matter the situation if someone is hurting you that is not right. Do not be afraid to ask for help everyone needs it from time to time it does not make you any less of a person.

Seren I'm glad you at least spoke to someone about it and more so I'm glad it was Shooter  I've been PMing and RPing with him for awhile and I am beyond glad he was able to help.
I hope this blog helps someone in need or even someone in the dark about how serious this problem is in the world.




Offline Ryuka Tana

Re: Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)
« Reply #2 on: October 25, 2012, 04:35:02 PM »
"May I say that, there's an undercurrent of something I think is equally important here that I feel should be brought up more than it will be. I want to applaud you, Shooter, not just for getting involved in a domestic abuse situation. I want to applaud you for seeing someone online and remembering there's a person there. I want to applaud Seren for giving you her number and asking for help, despite not seeing your face before then (at least not in person), and also I want to applaud her for asking for help at all. However, I feel plenty of people will address that aspect of the situation and as important as it is, I would rather focus on the thing most people will ignore (or at least bypass).

"Too many people treat the internet as a place where trolls, creepers, and evil-bad-men lurk. Despite the fact that more internet relationships may at least include a lot of falseness, I hate the stigma attached to it. You both agreed to see people instead of letters and avatars, and that's something I appreciate greatly. I hope that, as terrible as this event was, it brings you two closer, because that would take something awful and make it something awesome (not the event itself, obviously, but the fruits of it)."

"I'll note that reasonable skepticism and caution should always be taken, but that's true of face-to-face meetings as well."

"Seren, I'm glad your safe, and that you found someone you could trust here. One great friend is better than a thousand acquaintances, be it online or off."

Offline Seren

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Re: Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)
« Reply #3 on: October 25, 2012, 06:20:16 PM »
If there was anyone in the world who should know not to hide domestic abuse it should be me, but then again I never thought it would happen again.

I am a 911 Dispatcher.

I am the calming voice on the other end of the phone when abused women reach out for help, I am the one who asks all the right questions, the one whose calm voice goes across the air waves to the police officer sending him into a dangerous situation to protect the ones in need. I am the voice that remains calm, as the person on the other line screams, the children cry, and the perp yells threats of bodily harm. I listen to the victim still being abused as their loved one hits them, calls them ugly names, and yes I have even heard one woman being shot, (she lived). All the while and for hours later I wonder why doesn't she just leave him.

I am no stranger to domestic violence, I grew up with it, watching my father beat my mother and myself, until she divorced him, he continuing the emotional abuse on me until I cut ties with him. My step-brother and step-sister sexually and emotionally abused me when I six years old to the point if I had to go see them I would become violently ill. I will refrain from going into the trail of abusive boyfriends my young attention seeking self allowed into my life, or the amount of self abuse I inflicted to cover and cope with my pain.

My first marriage began when I was 16, three months after having my oldest child. I should have known it would go bad when we fought on our wedding night, he wanting to party with friends and I wanting to stay home and care for my baby. I lived with him for thirteen months, during which he never balled his fist and hit me, but he would pick my 100lbs body up and throw it like a rag doll against the wall if one toy was out of place when he returned home from work, I had to beg my mother for money for diapers because he had $100 dollar a week drug habit, he only made $150 per week, but that was okay I needed little food because he had told me when I weighed 125 that if I gained 5lbs he would leave me, therefore I lost weight. Although to some 100lbs might be an ideal weight, with my large breasts, very prominent cheek bones and broader frame I appeared more like skin stretched across bone.

My having turned from a natural redhead to a platinum blonde did not help this death warmed over look either, but he had preferred blondes so blonde I went. At the thirteenth month mark, I threatened to leave him, in response he took my son into our bathroom locked the door and threatened to kill him with a butcher knife if I left him. I lived 10 miles from the nearest small town in the middle of no where, with no phone and no way my then 90lbs body could break the door in. My begging finally worked and he handed me our son but again locked the door saying he would kill himself.

He did not, I ran to a friends house and they returned to stop him, but not before he had ripped the bathroom sink from the walls with his bare hands. My parents came that night, I was ready to leave but they said I had to think of my baby and marriage and I should stay and work things out. I tried for one more week, then it was over for good.

Several months after that divorce I re-met my current husband, I had dated him before my first husband and had been deeply in love with him then. Our love rekindled, he also going through a divorce and having a beautiful daughter of his own. By the time I was 20 years old I had been married, divorced, and remarried, and had 3 children, his, mine, and ours.

I was a stay at home mom until our youngest started school then I became a dispatcher, working the midnight shifts for many many years. Between he and I everything was perfect, yes he had his jealous streak but I just changed what I did to be sure he had nothing to be jealous of. Such as, if I talked about a funny thing that an officer did and it upset him I didn't talk about it anymore. If I did anything that upset him or made him jealous I immediately stopped it, even my brother who has a party every year for he and his wife's birthday and anniversary, with many of the friends I went to high school with in attendance, one year I drank a little much and kissed the cheek of an old friend and rubbed the knee of a new friend who had told a joke, since he became jealous, I never attended the party again.

Fast forward a couple of years, I become director, sheer twist of fate, but as such the Alpha has to come out, I am now responsible for every action each of my girls make. While surfing the net for something fun to do I run across E. My dream come true, I have always loved to write, to be creative, I write a sex scene, well not to boast but it is the most in detail thing, lol. I think that I am a hum drum writer until so many people praise me and pm me with compliments that it strokes my ego, delightfully.

Hubby gets jealous, but this time I cannot let it go, I revel and come alive as each person tells me how much they enjoy my writing, innocently I flirt with them all knowing I am married and do not want to change that.

The first time he hit me, he was drunk, and I was sitting on the side of the tub waiting for him to pee so that I could help him upstairs, he slap me out
of the blue with no warning what so ever, he didn't even remember doing it.

Over the next three months, he hit me, tried to rape me in anger, and treated me me bad. I still refused to give up E. I know that would make things better but I shouldn't have to. If I allow him to look up and talk to as many naked women as he sees fit he should be able to deal with this. I do not sex pm only RP and friendly pm, but he became jealous even if I said ' Hello good morning how was your day?' He began to check everything I did.

He chocked me so hard one night that he burst a blood vessel in my eye, I lied and said I fell, my police officer and dispatcher friends did not believe me but did not challenge me. The last straw was when I was talking to Shooter nothing big but he had a fit, he was drinking again and off his meds and I feared for my life. Too embarrassed to reach out to anyone who knew me I wanted Shooter to stay with me until he passed out. and during the argument i shut my computer.

I should not have done that, I should have talked to him more but I was just afraid. He has open handed hit me, choked me until a blood vessel burst in my eye, slapped me and punched me and tried to rape me twice. Yet he is still the love of my life and I will try with him one more time, but this is the last time.

It is important for me to add that he has never done this before and that he has been going on and off meds for depression while still drinking off and on, while this is never an excuse, this is the reason I am giving him another chance. I do love him and he was the last person I would have ever thought would have done anything like this.

Shooter is my hero, he found me and sent an officer friend to help me, bringing it all out in the open. I love him as a friend.

If you are experiencing ANY type of abuse please contact me or Shooter we will do our best to help you.
« Last Edit: October 26, 2012, 01:33:45 AM by Seren »

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Re: Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)
« Reply #4 on: October 26, 2012, 07:21:10 AM »
Domestic violence is the ugly underbelly of our society.  It exists everywhere, hiding in the places one would least expect to find it, being hidden by the unwarranted but seemingly unavoidable shame that its victims feel, the sense of hopelessness and isolation that its perpetrators carefully and skillfully cultivate and because far too often those who can help turn awayÖprecisely because it is something so ugly and vile that our minds wish to make believe that it doesnít exist and that it is someone elseís problem.

If you are reading this article and have not been the victim of domestic violence, then you are amazingly lucky.  If you donít know anyone personally who has been the victim of domestic violence, then you simply donít know what you donít know.  The victims are everywhere, they are your sisters and brothers, your mothers, your cousins and aunts and uncles, they are your friends and your co-workers.  Whether you know of the abuse, suspect it or are completely fooled by it, trust me, it is there.

So this is not your problem, my problem or their problem, it is everyoneĎs problem.  I am one of those people who befriended Seren on this site, wrote with her, watched her come out of her shell and spread her wings in a way I could tell she had not done before.  It has been brilliant to watch, she is an amazing lady, as so many on E are, but she is a truly special lady to me. 

Not too long after we began to write and pm, and yes, fun and light flirting was involved, with both of us knowing that we were married in our real lives and had no intentions of changing that, she explained to me that her husband was reading her stories and her pmís, deleting bookmarks and acting very jealously.  To that end, I wrote her a pm, really meant for her husband, and I believe Shooter did too, explaining all of that.  Explaining that we didnít even know each otherís real names, where we lived, that I was married and not interested in anything but friendship and good writing, and so forth.  Seren told me that her husband read those pmís and was a little better about things, understood the innocence that even the sexiest words can have.

I run a game outside of E, one that is adult, but not erotic in nature, more sword and sorcery type fantasy.  For the first time ever, I invited someone from E to join that game when I invited Seren to join.  I had any number of great reasons to invite her, she is a great writer and role player, a dear friend and a devoted player, but in the back of my mind, I also thought it would help things with her husband if she had a place to write outside of E, some place he didnít consider Ďdirtyí and Ďpervertedí. 

And even then I heard from Seren that he was upset, because on that site, a very small group of tight knit friends, including my own wife, we use our real first names in OOC discussions.  So now I knew Serenís real first name and she knew mine, but nothing had changed and she was playing in a game with a bunch of completely harmless and geeky old guys like me and my wife. Everything was good, right?  Clearly not.

In my own life I am no stranger to domestic violence.  I was sexually abused as a child by two different Ďfamily friendsĎ.  I saw my sister, who is nine years older, marry an abuser, divorce him and start dating a guy that was even worse.  I grew up and chased both of those bastards off, but along the way I saw their methods, saw the damage they did physically and mentally to her and to her children, my niece and nephew.  It happened to friends and co-workers of mine, including one woman who left and went back to her abusive husband at least a dozen times.  I helped when I could, even had my house broken into when a friend of my wife sought refuge from her abusive husband in our home.

I worked for 13 years in the medical field, and met more victims of abuse than I care to count or remember in the emergency rooms and clinicsÖand even then, saw the frustration of the police and the nurses and doctors and social workers as lies and excuses were made up by the victims to protect their abusers.  The abused were children, women, men, old and young, rich and poor.  Age, sex and how much money one has never matters, abuse it omnipresent and it doesnít discriminate, I learned that it affects everyone.

In real life I am an attorney now, having gone back to law school in my 30ís.  While I donít practice directly in a field where domestic violence is my focus, it I impossible to avoid and I deal with its effects frequently.  I see how powerless the system can be at times, how it works at others, but I never, ever forget that the victims are people.  Through my church I work with displaced families, mostly young, single mothers and their kids, and the incidence of abuse and violence in their lives is staggering.

Is there a point to all of this rambling?  Yes, there is.  Through all of this abuse she was experiencing I talked to Seren every day via pm here and in my game.  I have experienced domestic violence in far too many forms, seen it, lived it, and am trained to deal with it professionally for many yearsÖand yet a woman I know as well as one can know someone on-line, a smart and resourceful 911 dispatch director, and someone I talk and chat with every day, was suffering the kind of abuse that Seren so bravely and courageously described aboveÖand I simply did not know. 

I knew she had a jealous husband and even knew some of her history of experiencing abuse as a young girl and woman, learning that she had written about her real life in one of her stories, and yet, not until I read this blog did I know or even suspect that my friend, my incredibly talented friend, with a heart of gold, a truly beautiful mind and a very strong woman, was suffering this horrendous abuse all this time.  I didnít even suspect it.  That should be a wake up call to anyone who reads this as much as it is to me, that domestic violence can hide right in front of you even when you think you know what to look for.

Nothing I can do can change the fact that I was ignorant of what my friend has been experiencing, but I can do something going forward.  We all can do something.  There are resources in every community from the police, district attorneys and Legal Aid agencies to shelters, counselors, help-lines, churches, hospitals and social service agencies to help people deal with domestic abuse.  The kind of assistance they offer is often the first step in lifting the veil of hopelessness and giving back some of the self-worth stolen from the victims of abuse.  That can be the most critical step, letting the victim know that there is another way, that they donít need the abuser in their life, that it isnít their fault and that people do care and will help.  This blog is now one of those places.

I know how these systems and agencies work, how to find them and where to go to seek their help.  If Seren and Shooter will have me, then I will throw my hat in with them and offer my advice and assistance in these areas to anyone who needs it.  Send me a PM, ask for my email, whatever it takes, I am in.  Whether it is you or someone you know, ask questions, offer your help and comfort, urge them to get the assistance they need, do something. 

I canít express how shaken and upset I was to read this blog tonight and to see what Shooter and Seren wrote, to learn how little I knew, nor can I express how little my feelings matterÖwhat does matter is moving forward and helping and being there for my friend and for anyone else who needs any kind of help we can provide.

Offline Outsider

Re: Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)
« Reply #5 on: October 26, 2012, 08:30:05 AM »
Reading these very powerful texts in here, I fear I have trouble expressing myself in a coherent way.

I admire you for your strength, both of you.
Quote
Our friendship has turned from an electronic abstraction to something very real. 
This is how it should be. No matter how distant we are, we still are humans. Anonymity makes people treat each other without care way too easily.

Reading this brings tears to my eyes. Partly because of compassion, partly because of fear. Fear that I might be the same some day - another man who will treat what he loves and wishes to protect like dirt.
This has run in my family. No, that is a weak excuse. I will not blame it on a gene pool. But the fear still lingers whenever I meet somebody and engage in a relationship. The fear that I might be the same. The fear that I am not strong enough to control my aggression, my frustration, the fear that my hopelessness and depression will bring me somewhere I don't want to go, threaten with something I never want to threaten.

I am aware of all of this. Up until now, I have never beaten a person I love. Violence sickens me. I want to keep it this way. But I am not strong, how do I get the strength and confidence to not become my greatest fear?
I fell in love with someone who was in an abusive relationship. She had so many emotional scars, I just wanted to be with her. She asked for time, and I failed - the first sign of my own weakness. I kept chasing, kept pressuring. What, if in 5 or 10 years, when I have somebody I would call my soul-mate, the same happens? I feel my weakness and can't defeat it?

I think there are many men who feel the same. I'm not afraid to show it, to admit I am not really all that strong.
I think I am rambling, reading over my own point, it is hard to see what I want to say. I don't even know myself.

So I will finish it like this:
Thank you two for this blog, from the bottom of my heart. You raise awareness of something that gets hidden within society so easily, and should not. Awareness is a very powerful tool and can go long ways.

You are amazing, Seren. I wish you the best of luck, and hope everything works out well. Hope that he changes. Because from these simple words written in here, I feel you deserve happiness.
You are a hero, Shooter. You ignore what most people seem to think so common on the internet, that people are "not real". You saved someone, keep doing what you do.


Offline shooter6806Topic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)
« Reply #6 on: October 26, 2012, 11:15:31 AM »
Iíd like to thank the Elliquiy staff for allowing us to do this blog and to the members for reading and participating.  Some responses to the replies so far.

-Lizzie:  Many thanks for your input and for sharing your experience.  You gave me bare bones details about your ex a while back, but I didnít know it was as serious as that.  You and I have been writing together for a while, and weíve developed our own trust for each other. 

-Ryuka Tana:  You present a different take on the situation, and your point is well-taken.  Who do you trust?  Where do you decide that someone who has only been words on a screen is a real person who either needs your help or is offering help that you need?  I believe that there are more good people in the world than bad, and that the relatively few bad apples on the internet tend to scare people because of the damage they can do.  In our case, the nature of our jobs gave us common ground and we were both able to tell that the other was being honest about the essentials.  Some things you just canít fake by watching police shows on TV.  Many thanks.

-Wyatt:  I felt exactly the same as you did, and it was the luck of the draw that it was me and not you that Seren told.  We absolutely not only will accept your advice and assistance, we actively request it.  I think that to you and me, our RP partners are more than just e-friends.  They are real people with real problems, and if we can help without crossing privacy lines, we should.  Thank you for your support of Seren and this blog.

-theoutsider:  They always say that the first step to solving a problem is admitting that there is one.  The fact that you recognize the possibility that you might feel aggression sufficient to cause violence, and that you want to avoid it, means that the biggest problem has been overcome.  Most abusers donít think theyíre doing anything wrong.  If you ever actually find yourself in a situation where youíre tempted to take the violence route, my advice would be to back away immediately (I know, easier said than done, but you seem to have the ability to think through your feelings.  Use that).  Then (I know itís the standard answer for this stuff, but it works if you want it to) get some counseling.  Anger management (No, not the movie) can really help.  Iím not a counselor or psychologist, Iím a cop.  Maybe someone else here has more specific ideas for this situation.  Thanks for your input. 

And finally, my dear Seren, I know the pain it caused to write your post.  We will write together forever, and we have a friendship that goes beyond anything I thought possible when I joined this site.  Iíll always be here for you.

A couple people here have called me a hero.  I'm flattered, but in reality I was just trying to help a friend.  Sitting at a computer screen and making a couple key phone calls is not my idea of heroics.  It's just doing what is right. 

Again, thanks to all.  I look forward to more input, advice, critique, and discussion.  And as always, anyone wishing to discuss anything in private with us is invited to send either of us (or both) a PM.  Anything you tell us will be held in strict confidence.

Offline Ryuka Tana

Re: Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)
« Reply #7 on: October 26, 2012, 03:05:19 PM »
Reading these very powerful texts in here, I fear I have trouble expressing myself in a coherent way.

I admire you for your strength, both of you.  This is how it should be. No matter how distant we are, we still are humans. Anonymity makes people treat each other without care way too easily.

Reading this brings tears to my eyes. Partly because of compassion, partly because of fear. Fear that I might be the same some day - another man who will treat what he loves and wishes to protect like dirt.
This has run in my family. No, that is a weak excuse. I will not blame it on a gene pool. But the fear still lingers whenever I meet somebody and engage in a relationship. The fear that I might be the same. The fear that I am not strong enough to control my aggression, my frustration, the fear that my hopelessness and depression will bring me somewhere I don't want to go, threaten with something I never want to threaten.

I am aware of all of this. Up until now, I have never beaten a person I love. Violence sickens me. I want to keep it this way. But I am not strong, how do I get the strength and confidence to not become my greatest fear?
I fell in love with someone who was in an abusive relationship. She had so many emotional scars, I just wanted to be with her. She asked for time, and I failed - the first sign of my own weakness. I kept chasing, kept pressuring. What, if in 5 or 10 years, when I have somebody I would call my soul-mate, the same happens? I feel my weakness and can't defeat it?

I think there are many men who feel the same. I'm not afraid to show it, to admit I am not really all that strong.
I think I am rambling, reading over my own point, it is hard to see what I want to say. I don't even know myself.

So I will finish it like this:
Thank you two for this blog, from the bottom of my heart. You raise awareness of something that gets hidden within society so easily, and should not. Awareness is a very powerful tool and can go long ways.

You are amazing, Seren. I wish you the best of luck, and hope everything works out well. Hope that he changes. Because from these simple words written in here, I feel you deserve happiness.
You are a hero, Shooter. You ignore what most people seem to think so common on the internet, that people are "not real". You saved someone, keep doing what you do.

"Outsider, I've been there, actively, I've hurt someone I loved. I am still with her, our relationship was physically and emotionally abusive and it went both ways. The reason we're still together (and stronger for the hurt) is because we both hated it, we were damaged and hurt and stupid and we took it out on each other."

"As Shooter said, the worst of it is the ones who hit their significant other to 'keep them in line', because that's how that works for them. They think the abuse is how the relationship should be progressing. They don't know how to get angry or fight, without resorting to active aggression. I think there's a stigma attached to violence in our culture that implies if you ever do it, you're doomed to be an awful human being. It's a bad stigma, it makes people believe that, it makes them give in to that. Aggression and violence happens, sometimes you lose control, and it's awful. However, you can lose control without instantly being a bad person."

"What you need to do is let go of the stress, because it will drive you to it. Stop concerning yourself with not being angry or violent, because then you're focusing on anger and violence. Focus on being happy and productive and loving, it keeps your mind from latching onto those negative feelings. Personally, I'd say that you should also embrace the negative feelings and take control of them, but first you should stick to trying to focus on the positives."

Offline Seren

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Re: Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)
« Reply #8 on: October 27, 2012, 03:24:54 PM »
There are stages everyone should be aware of, the cycle of Domestic Violence.

The cycle usually goes in the following order, and will repeat until the conflict is stopped, usually by the survivor entirely abandoning the relationship. The cycle can occur hundreds of times in an abusive relationship, the total cycle taking anywhere from a few hours, to a year or more to complete. However, the length of the cycle usually diminishes over time so that the "making-up" and "calm" stages may disappear.

1: Tension building phase

This phase occurs prior to an overtly abusive act, and is characterized by poor communication, passive aggression, rising interpersonal tension, and fear of causing outbursts in one's partner. During this stage the survivors may attempt to modify his or her behavior to avoid triggering their partner's outburst.

2: Acting-out phase

Characterized by outbursts of violent, abusive incidents. During this stage the abuser attempts to dominate his/her partner (survivor), with the use of domestic violence.

3: Reconciliation/Honeymoon phase

Characterized by affection, apology, or, alternatively, ignoring the incident. This phase marks an apparent end of violence, with assurances that it will never happen again, or that the abuser will do his or her best to change. During this stage the abuser feels overwhelming feelings of remorse and sadness, or at least pretends to. Some abusers walk away from the situation with little comment, but most will eventually shower the survivor with love and affection. The abuser may use self-harm or threats of suicide to gain sympathy and/or prevent the survivor from leaving the relationship. Abusers are frequently so convincing, and survivors so eager for the relationship to improve, that survivors who are often worn down and confused by longstanding abuse, stay in the relationship.

Although it is easy to see the outbursts of the Acting-out Phase as abuse, even the more pleasant behaviors of the Honeymoon Phase perpetuates the abuse because the survivor then sees that the relationship isn't all bad.

4: Calm phase

During this phase (which is often considered an element of the honeymoon/reconciliation phase), the relationship is relatively calm and peaceable. However, interpersonal difficulties will inevitably arise, leading again to the tension building phase.


I obtained this information from Wikipedia but I have read them in text book and have been taught them in many trainings over the years.

Please pay attention to these, as I am doing now, if this is happening to you, or someone you know and do not feel that you can contact myself, Shooter, or Wyatt. Contact someone, anyone, don't ignore it get help.

Please

Offline Ryuka Tana

Re: Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)
« Reply #9 on: October 27, 2012, 05:02:23 PM »
"May I say that, in my experience, Stage 3 is the part where things go most wrong (I know, seems like Stage 2, is, but a single abuse is not the worst part). If a guy rationalizes what he did or is just callous about it, you should get out of there, at least for a while. You grab your kids (if you have them) and go, at the next possible opportunity."

Offline Seren

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Re: Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)
« Reply #10 on: October 27, 2012, 05:15:49 PM »
That is the hardest part to leave during because they are so very much like the person you fell in love with, they are sweet, they dote on you, bringing you breakfast in bed, or rubbing your back, helping with laundry, and more.

That is why I set the list on here this is the fall back in love stage and it is very hard when you love someone not to think that this is a new start, the pain of the hit is over and if this man, this one you love so deeply for so many years is back in his rational mind, how can you not forgive.

If you are in this stage talk to someone.

Offline Elina

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Re: Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)
« Reply #11 on: October 27, 2012, 05:26:55 PM »
This thread is an amazing service.  I was a prosecutor for twelve years and have dealt with my share of domestic abuse, too.  Awareness and feeling like you're not alone in your suffering?  Those are the first steps toward getting help. 

Offline Chris Brady

Re: Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)
« Reply #12 on: October 27, 2012, 07:37:29 PM »
Man, wow.  *Sends positive waves to everyone here*  I am lucky enough to never have been, hopefully never will be, but these sorts of incidents break my heart.

If I do have one thing that bothers me, is that both of you, Seren and Shooter6806 bring up a valid point that the rest of society conveniently forgets:  Domestic Violenc/Abuse affects everyone, I remember reading a study in that it occurs at a pretty much 50% split among women AND men.

All around us, we see (Especially up here in Canada) movements to end violence against women, usually revolving domestic and cultural issues, but no one mentions that it might be occurring to men and boys either.  I wish I knew how to make a movement to promote an end to ALL domestic abuse no matter who is the victim, no matter gender, creed, race or age.  It's not right, no matter who the victim is.

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Re: Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)
« Reply #13 on: October 27, 2012, 07:50:29 PM »
I volunteer at a senior residence and learned that older parents and grandparents can often become the targets of abusive children and grandchildren.  Just as medical and school professionals are trained to look for signs and report them our senior citizens need that same observation by those around them.

I applaud the courage and willingness to help that you and everyone are doing in this thread to throw light on this topic and give people a place to go for help and advice.

It takes courage to speak up and ask for help and I know that our members have that courage and our community has the fellow feeling to help.

Offline Elina

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Re: Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)
« Reply #14 on: October 27, 2012, 08:07:19 PM »
Our local DA's office has an entire team dedicated to elder abuse and fraud, BeMi.

If anyone ever has questions about the legal aspects or implications of any of this and don't want to ask openly, my PM box is always open. 

Offline Chelemar

Re: Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)
« Reply #15 on: October 28, 2012, 11:40:31 AM »
That is the hardest part to leave during because they are so very much like the person you fell in love with, they are sweet, they dote on you, bringing you breakfast in bed, or rubbing your back, helping with laundry, and more.

That is why I set the list on here this is the fall back in love stage and it is very hard when you love someone not to think that this is a new start, the pain of the hit is over and if this man, this one you love so deeply for so many years is back in his rational mind, how can you not forgive.

If you are in this stage talk to someone.

Serena,

I understand what  you are saying, "How can you not forgive?"  You can forgive, but you can't forget.  The reason you leave here and go to a safe place is this is your best time to keep communication open for them to get help.  Having them just say that they won't do it again isn't enough.  If they have said it before and yet did it again, well guess what?  They will do it again.  If you are gone to a safe place, and they agree to counseling, quit drinking, take their meds properly, and go to anger management, and actually complete their programs so that they prove their sincerity, then you have something to work with and they prove their love and devotion.  Otherwise...

We can't live in a fantasy of hope.  I know.  I was there.  For six years I was in an abusive relationship where my partner would call me names, cheat on me openly and repeatedly while being horribly controlling and jealous.  I would do just about anything for her.  I cared for her while she was in a drugged stupor, and took her back each time she left me for someone else and promised to quit drugs, or being abusive.  I had begged my first partner to get help, she always promised, but would never follow through. Not long ago she was arrested for terroristic threats.  She never changed.

  When I finally got the courage to break it off for good, she stalked me, tried to use family to get to me.  Threatened suicide, etc.  I still loved her, but with counseling and distance, I had finally learned to love myself enough not to accept what she was doing.  I finally learned that what she was doing wasn't love, it was possession and control.

   

And dammit!  I deserved to be loved too.  Two years later I met the woman who is the true love of my life, Jated.  And what I thought I had with the first one, was really nothing at all.  I couldn't believe it.  Now, we've been together 8 years, and I couldn't be happier.  It is hard at times, a lot of it in the beginning because I wasn't used to being treated nicely without having to "earn" it, or without having to "pay" for it. 

Whatever happens and whatever you decide, I pray that you and your children are safe and that the best works out for you Serena.

Shooter, thank you very much for your dedication to a friend and for going that extra mile and taking care of Serena and even possibly her children by your actions.  Yes, you are a hero for what you did. 

~Chele
« Last Edit: October 28, 2012, 11:43:58 AM by Chelemar »

Offline Vekseid

Re: Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)
« Reply #16 on: November 04, 2012, 12:12:08 AM »
After banning one of the creepers, I had a discussion with one of our other banee's victims. About he'd manipulate her and try to force her to do things.

"But he called me beautiful."

"Did he say that you were beautiful, or that he thought you were beautiful?"

"That he thought I was beautiful."

I never have to guess, it seems.

I've written two different posts about this. They cover very specific sorts of behavior that you should not tolerate in any relationship.

Talk to someone about it. Always.

And if it's happening on E, let us know.

"I am strong enough to handle myself."

That is awesome. But some people are vulnerable and desperate. By making what has happened known to the authorities in a community, we can investigate before they reach these people.

And make Elliquiy a little bit safer.


Offline Vekseid

Re: Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)
« Reply #17 on: November 04, 2012, 12:18:34 AM »
Also, with respect to contacting other members versus contacting staff regarding outside-Elliquiy situations:

I would really prefer that an interrogatory or subpoena is not a surprise to me. If the instigator in an abusive situation is aware of Elliquiy, they might go straight for us instead of or in addition to your own computer records. Please let me know.

Offline Viper

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Re: Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)
« Reply #18 on: November 14, 2012, 08:22:25 AM »
My father left my mother when I was four and my sister was only turning 6. My sister and are a year and a half apart and we...we never agreed with anything. Before my father left, he introduced my mother to a really nice guy.

Meet K. W.

The first two years were great, since mom had gotten into a car accident K. was helping us. He moved into our house and everything was great. He was an amazing cook, his mother watched me at day care while they worked on weekends, and christmas was epic! 

But I started growing up, since my sister was older she understood everything happening around her alot better, and she also had friends to talk to. Where I...had none. Soon enough, my whole life became about him. From rubbing his shoulder and legs after work, to making his lunch before I went to school and his dinner at night. To cuddling up on the couch with him at night and watch star trek.

I didnt understand that these things were what big people were supposed to do togeather...not little girls like me. My mother worked and went to college and my sister had school and extracurricular activities. I on the other hand...didnt know how to function with out him telling me what to do.

So..middle school hit...I started to realize more and more about relationships and such. But to me it was like a harsh blurr. Since i was in fifth grade I had been doing drugs, and as I got older...it got worse. Soon enough, K was buying it for me and I was completely at his mercy.

What I didnt know was that he also had a fixation on my sister. One day I came home and she had a wrap around her wrist, she said she fell on ice...but I know what knife wounds look like. I have several of my own. Back then I laughed at her and said "you shouldnt have talked back". Ive never seen a more terrified look on my sisters face in my entire life.

So from sixth to seventh grade, I started stealing. Everything I could get my hands on, money, jewlery, shoes...from K., my mom, my sister, my friends, stores...he would beat me every time he searched me and found something new or when he found something missing in the house. I relished the attention, because now, all the kind and soft attention he had was for my sister, she was the pretty one, with long poker straight brown hair, beautiful green eyes, huge breasts, she was very developed for her age.

I was jealous, she was stealing all of his attention...he was my dad...he only looked at me..hes mine!

Those were the only thoughts in my head back then...thoughts only of him and he was a god in my eyes. He could do no wrong and we deserved it all.


And here...was when everything changed...

The summer after 8th grade hit, and this was the converstation that was had.

Mom: We are moving out.

K:Oh? we are? where?

Mom: No me and the kids are moving out, your staying here.


And that was the end of it, my grandmother had come up from florida and with one box each, we jammed as much of our things into the boxes and put it into the car, drove over to our new house, dumped it out, and then went back for more.

I cried the entire time, I didnt understand why, but now when I look back on it I do. I remember instances where my mom would start throwing his things out of her room...and then he would grab her by her hair like he did to me, and pushed her down to the floor and made her clean it up. I knew they were having sex because our room was next to theirs, but now that im older, I know that those sounds were just too violent to be consensual.

Then my sister called the cops, telling them that the last time her and I visited his apartment, he had molested, and had done other things to her. After that my world crashed down around me. Now..I couldnt see him, I snapped, I attacked my sister right there in front of the cops and told her to tell them that she was lying, she refused to change her story.

I dont know how I lived through the trial, my mom wouldnt let me show up for fear of the defense getting ahold of me and using me for his side of the argument.


So we moved into our new house...I was starting high school...I didnt sleep because i was sneaking out of the house all of the time. After watching my friend Kera almost die from overdosing and damn near killing herself, I quit drugs cold turkey. Suprisingly enough...my mom never knew I was on drugs, maybe it was denial, but she treated my withdrawls as a bad stomach flu.


I was that goth chick at school, I never talked, always got beat up after school, everyone picked on me, I was the girl that guys liked to fuck but never claim in public.

At home, i couldnt function untill my mom got home because I had to ask her to do anything. To use the bathroom, to eat, to change the channel, to take the dog into the back yard...finally...my mom flipped out on me. She couldnt stand to be my slave driver anymore. She told me to do as I pleased...she told me to actually live.

So I started to..but that same summer that we moved out...my sister tried to commit suicide. She was sent to the psych ward and I saw my dad for the third time in my life. I hated him he was causing my mom pain because he was going to take my sister from her when she got out of the hospital. I hated my sister for causing my mom so much pain...and me as well.

The funny thing is, I completely understand my sister now, because the next year, the summer of my sophomore year...I too left my mom to live with my father. I was going insane, K. had to only serve 18 months in jail..and since he was out, I desperatly wanted to see him, so for my own sanity, I begged my actual father to come get me, to save me from going back to K, I loved being free now, to be able to breathe...I was afraid that if I ever saw K. again...that I would fall under that same spell...and I would never get free.



So I graduated in the south at age 17...im now 19. I have lived only 7 years without K's influence over me...and I still cant manage to connect to people. I stay at my home, I use the internet to find a source of happiness, and through E, I have found friends that I can talk to.

I wish I could say that my experience with domestic violence hasn't scarred me...but it has. I wish every day that both the physical and the mental hurt would go away, that I could stop thinking about the past..about him...but I cant help myself, I was brainwashed through the most crucial part of my child hood...for 9 years I suffered and I didnt even know it.

Please...if you live with someone, who does things to others that seem normal but just doesnt look right...or you see signs of child abuse, both mental and physical..please tell someone...dont leave people like me and my sister and my mother to suffer because none of our friends or family told anyone.

The signs are hard to see, but if you have any inclination...send an annonmys tip in, send Child protective Services to interview the child...something. Because knowing that people care...and are trying to help you...that is the best way to help some one start recovering. Help stop the problem of sexual and physical child abuse. Because...that could be your child this is happening to.


Thanks...
Karia

P.S. Alot of my thoughts from back then are jumbled, not to mention it is very hard for me to talk about this because these wounds are still fresh inside of me, so if the time line is hard to follow, im sorry.


« Last Edit: November 14, 2012, 10:32:04 AM by Valerian »

Offline HarleyQuinn

Re: Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)
« Reply #19 on: November 17, 2012, 10:33:45 AM »
I too am a victim of domestic violence. That is such a hard sentence for me to even type because the fact that I admit to myself I feel like I'm weak and it's my fault even though, I truly know it isn't.

For the past six years I was on and off with my ex. We are now off for good but he hasn't quite gotten that picture. I've moved away from him and the only people that I left my forwarding address to were my parents. I made them promise me they wouldn't tell his parents because even after all the stuff he did to me, my parents were still good friends with his parents. I suppose that's their choice to make and I can't demand them to not be friends. Maybe I'm being a little selfish.

Our relationship started when I was 16 and he was 18. Everything was great the first six months we were together and then slowly he started to change. I thought I was in love. I was 16 and he was my first serious boyfriend and I convinced myself that his actions were nothing out of the ordinary, that I could live with that if were to get married. It first started with questions like who are you hanging out with, who is so and so, and why are you friends with so and so. Of course this so and so people were guys. He told me that they liked me and that they didn't respect the fact I was his girlfriend. He had said it so sweetly and I believed him. So, I dumped all my male friends. Then it turned to the point where I had no friends left. Except my best friend who refused to let me go. That angered my boyfriend one night and he had me pinned against the wall, his hand around my throat squeezing to the point where I thought I was going to pass out. I've never been more scared in my life and in the midst of his rage, he broke my wrist when I was struggling.

I went home that night and had to explain to my parents that I had fallen down the stairs and that's how I broke my wrist. Unfortunately, I don't think they believed me right then because his house didn't have any stairs. At my healthiest weight, I weighed about 125. I'm no means skinny for my 4'11 frame but I wasn't overweight or at unhealthy weight. During the course of the abuse, I dropped weight and I was down to 98 pounds. I definitely wasn't healthy looking and that only spurred on the emotional abuse on by him.

I know I'm skipping along, so please bear with me.

I was 18 now and the emotional abuse was worse than the physical. I could handle the physical pain. Just not the emotional. I began dropping more weight from not eating and at the lowest weight I weighed 88 pounds. My parents sent to to rehab for anorexia and also forced me into counseling. I thought that counseling was for weak people and I wasn't weak nor did I realize I was a victim. I thought because he was still with me that I must be something special, despite all the emotional and physical abuse started.

When I was 19 and after a year of counseling and rehab, I finally realized that he wasn't the man I ever wanted to be with. So, I broke it off with him. I made the mistake of having him come over when my parents weren't home, since they didn't like him, to tell him. He got deadly quiet and then suddenly started screaming curse words at me and then he hit me across the face. In all the times were together, he never once hit me where people could see it. I felt his fist connect with my jaw and nose and then when I tasted blood, I knew he had broken my nose. He grabbed me by hair and when I struggled and screamed he crushed his hand over my face, smashing my already broken nose again. I quieted down and he dragged me upstairs to my bedroom. I knew what was coming and yet I didn't struggle. I just sort of froze. I thought, this couldn't really be happening. He was the one man that I lost my virginity too. He was my first for many things. First kiss, etc.

Long story short, he raped me that night saying that's what good little whores get and then left. I laid on my bed for a good thirty minutes frozen and in shock. He had beat me senseless and raped me. My mother came home and found me and took me to the hospital and then the police came. They asked me if I wanted to press charges and I said no. The excuse I gave was that our sex was a little too rough. No one believed me. I didn't even believe myself.

Now, I'm 22 and for some reason, I still can't get away from him. I feel like he finds me no matter where he goes. He has served jail time but nothing ever sticks. I guess he has a really good lawyer. I took a break from E for awhile because I was home one night and he knocked on my door. I was terrfied and was quiet trying to make him think that no one was home. Unfortunately, I was stupid and didn't lock my back door since I had just come in. Next thing I know, he is in my house begging me to take him back, saying he wouldn't ever do that again. He couldn't even admit to me what all he had done. I lost it and thew my expensive laptop at him. I suppose I egged him on and we engaged into a fight. That was the second time he raped me after he had beaten me. Though this beating was the worst I ever had. I had three broken ribs, a concussion, my wrist was re broken and a broken collarbone. This time I did press charges and I'm assuming he's in jail for other crimes he has done to other women. I am back in counseling and I'm slowly learning to love myself.

Offline Seren

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Re: Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)
« Reply #20 on: November 17, 2012, 12:56:27 PM »
I am so glad people are seeing the blog and sharing their own heart breaking stories and I hope it helps them and someone else who may read them.

Again if anyone needs to talk privately feel free to pm me.

An update on my story, or should I say an ending to the chapter. The night before last hubby was upset because he couldn't find his tablet, he began to rant and rave to everyone in the house and then began to drink, straight double shots of Vodka. I was again online with Shooter and Wyatt, waiting for my husband to pass out, keeping quite. He was not mad AT me so I thought it would be fine, if I just kept quiet.

Needless to say it was not.

Whether by accident or grand design I will never be sure. He hugged me from behind as I sat sideways on the couch in front of my computer desk, when I tensed up at his touch, it angered him and he pushed me away, my head hit the corner of the desk and made a mark which bled. He went to bed and began mumbling as he was passing out. Right after that my internet, TV, and phone went out (great to package thing isn't)

Shooter and Wyatt saw I went offline and could not reach me, therefore they again called in the troops for me, I had one State Police vehicle, the Sheriff of the county and EMS at my door quickly. Love all those pretty lights LOL. The Sheriff observed the blood on my head and the State Police arrest him and took him to jail.

He got back out and sent someone for his things saying he would never come back. We are now going to get divorced.

This man was not always this way, never once in all of the years that we have been together would I have thought that he would do this. But the mix of Colzapine and Vodka coupled by unwarranted jealousy and possessiveness was not a good one.

I have been told that Colzapine and liquor could have easily made me the victim of a murderous rage, which I did not know until today. I am thankful to be alive and will hope he gets the help he needs, without me.

Offline Mithlomwen

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Re: Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)
« Reply #21 on: November 18, 2012, 09:38:18 AM »
I've typed a response, erased it all and typed another one, wash, rinse, repeat.  I'm unable to find words to express both my heartbreak and my admiration for those of you who have told us of the abuse you have suffered.  You all are amazing and wonderful people. 

I also wanted to thank Seren and Shooter for creating this blog.  My greatest hope is that it will be of help for others.  For those who might be currently suffering domestic violence, to realize that they can make it through, and that there is life on the other side. That they are not alone. 

Thank you all. 



Offline Seren

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Re: Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)
« Reply #22 on: November 18, 2012, 10:43:34 AM »
Helpful hints

As a 911 Dispatcher here are some helpful things to remember if you are in a domestic situtation.

Call 911 Do not call your mother, or father, or best friend. Dial 911. The dispatcher will have questions that only you can answer.

If you only have a cell phone, be sure to give a good location.

Even if you your cell has no minutes or the service has been canceled you can still dial 911 from it. Remember to stay on the line and give a good location.

Landlines. A phone can be plugged into a jack at your home with no service and you can still dial 911.

Never hang up on the dispatcher, stay on the line. They will ask questions you will need to answer. Vehicle descriptions (think size, color, number of door, and any distinguishing marks, such as damage or stickers), directions of travel, vehicle plate numbers, number of occupants, any weapons involved.

Remember DO NOT hang up until the dispatcher tells you it okay.

Offline Viper

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Re: Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)
« Reply #23 on: November 19, 2012, 10:13:57 AM »
Wow...truthfully...i didnt know any of that, thanks Seren!

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Re: Domestic Violence (Seren and shooter6806)
« Reply #24 on: November 19, 2012, 12:25:51 PM »
Seren has given an excellent primer on reporting an incident of domestic violence and how to communicate with the dispatcher on the phone when you call.  Iíll give you an idea of what the responding officer is thinking and how to deal with him or her when they arrive.

When you call 911, the dispatcher will assign one or more officers to respond to your location.  On my department, a domestic incident is automatically assigned two officers, minimum.  This is to ensure officer safety and to make handling the incident easier.  Some agencies will not have the manpower for this. 

In some cases, you may not be the one who called.  Iíve handled many incidents where a neighbor saw or heard a fight taking place and called it in.  You may not have wanted to involve the police, but now here they are.  Whether you called, or someone else did, you have a man or woman on your doorstep who has a job to do.  And they have the authority to do it. 

Most police officers are on the job to help people.  Believe me, in most cases thereís not enough time to worry about hassling people who arenít breaking the law.  I have enough to do dealing with actual bad guys.  The responding officer probably has no idea who you are, who your significant other is, or what the history of your dispute is.  They donít know who is the abuser and who is the victim.  And their first concern is their own safety.  They are absolutely concerned with going home intact at the end of their shift.  Every situation is different, and the specific laws and policies in your jurisdiction may be different from somewhere else.  But a few simple guidelines will keep you safe.

First, DO anything the police tell you to DO.  If they tell you to sit, sit.  If they tell you to stand up, stand up.  If they ask you to wait outside while they try to interview your significant other, do it.  The officerís primary intent will be to maintain control of the situation, and if you are not cooperating, you change from the complainant/victim to the problem.

Second, always be willing and able, even if you arenít the one who called, to identify yourself accurately and completely.  Your full name, address, date of birth, and a phone number where you can be contacted are the items that the officer will need.  If you donít give this information, the best thing that will happen is that the police will be around a lot longer verifying who you are.  The worst thing?  You could be arrested for any of several charges depending on the situation.

Third, if you are the complainant/victim or a witness, be prepared to tell the officers exactly what happened or what you saw.  You may be injured, in shock, fearful of your abuser or all of the above.  The interview might be taking place in your home, or in the emergency room after you were transported there.  The more information you can provide, the better.

In my state, any domestic incident where there is any evidence of any violence at all requires an arrest.  The officer has no discretion in this case.  You as a victim do not get to decide if the abuser will be charged.  That's up to the DA.  You as the victim can decide whether you want to cooperate with the police and testify against the abuser.   

The officerís priorities in domestics, as with any disturbance call, are as follows, in order:

 The officerís safety.
 The safety of any other law enforcement personnel.
 The safety of any victims and other uninvolved persons.
 The safety of any suspects.
 Resolving the situation with an arrest or other action.

I donít get paid more if I arrest someone.  I can lose my job if I allow someone to be injured or worse because I didnít take proper action.

And just to please Elina and the other bloodsucking leeches oops sorry attorneys out there, Iíll throw in a last piece of advice.  If YOU are ever arrested, handcuffed, informed that you are a suspect, or read the infamous Miranda warnings, itís probably a good idea to talk to a lawyer before you answer any questions or make any statements to the police.
« Last Edit: November 19, 2012, 12:33:23 PM by shooter6806 »