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Author Topic: Funny World of Darkness Related Stuff  (Read 1695 times)

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Offline LunarSageTopic starter

Funny World of Darkness Related Stuff
« on: April 28, 2012, 12:52:08 PM »
Post anything related to the World of Darkness (new or old) that just makes you chuckle.  :-)

I'll start by sharing a really great webcomic called Vampires Suck, written and drawn by an awesome fellow named Linus from Sweden.  The comic stopped after awhile, which is sad, but there's still a great archive of comics to check out.


Gehenna: The Real Story

Written by David Vacca

TREMERE: "Awright, Haqim! I have HAD it with you! You're gonna die!"

HAQIM: "Says you. Phbbbt!"

TREMERE: "Oh, yeah? Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames! I blow up Asia!"

HAQIM: "Celerity 10. I dodge. I'm now standing in the middle of the ocean."

TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Neptune's Might. I boil the oceans."

HAQIM: "Obfuscate 10. What ocean?"

TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Movement of the Mind. I hit the remaining ocean with the moon."

LASOMBRA: "Tag in! Obtenebration 9. What moon?"

TREMERE: "Auspex 10. *That* moon."

LASOMBRA: "Tag out!"

HAQIM: "Oh crap. Umm... Quietus 10."

TREMERE: "Here comes the big ball of rock, baby!"

[HAQIM is squished]

BRUJAH: "Didn't Haqim just activate Quietus 10?"

NOSFERATU: "And it was a surprisingly quiet squishing. Stupid discipline."

TREMERE: "Lasombra..."

LASOMBRA: "Tag, um, Tzimisce!"

TZIMISCE: "Vicissitude 10. Try that moon trick now, spellboy."

TREMERE: "Tag Ventrue!"

VENTRUE: "Dominate 10. Who's your daddy?"

TZIMISCE: "You're my daddy."

LASOMBRA: "Tag in! Potence 10. Feel the pain!"

VENTRUE: "Fortitude 10! What pain?"

LASOMBRA: "Obtenebration 10! I hope you like small, dark, places."

VENTRUE: "Fuck."

[VENTRUE vanishes]

LASOMBRA: "I have ALWAYS wanted to do that."

TZIMISCE: "Vicissitude 10. Lasombra, you're now a small ball of cheese."


TZIMISCE: "Ventrue still calls the shots. Read Dominate 10."

SMALL BALL OF CHEESE: "Damn, he's right."

TZIMISCE: "Animalism 10. Horde of cheese-eating mice."

SMALL BALL OF CHEESE: "Obtenebration 10. I am a shadow of a small ball of cheese."

TZIMISCE: "Tag Tremere!"

TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames. Shadow of fondue, you mean."


NOSFERATU: "Animalism 10. They're MY horde of mice."

TZIMISCE: "Animalism 10. Mine."


TZIMISCE: "Gimme!"

BRUJAH: "Celerity 10 AND Potence 10. I crush Tzimisce and Nosferatu while they're still arguing about the mice."

NOSFERATU: "Urk." [dies]

TZIMISCE: "Urk." [reforms] "Love that Vicissitude 10."

BRUJAH: "Oh, dearie."

TZIMISCE: "Now the mice are MINE!"

[MASKED AVENGER #1 appears from nowhere]

MASKED AVENGER #1: "All of you shall die for consorting with our enemies! Or, in some cases, actually being our enemies."

ENNOIA: "Who the heck are *you*?"

MASKED AVENGER #1: "Oh, sorry. I'm early."

[MASKED AVENGER #1 vanishes]

TZIMISCE: "Not even the first Masked Avenger, whoever he was, can stop me!"

ARIKEL: "Auspex 10. What *can* stop someone with Vicissitude 10? Oh, diablerie."

TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy something or other. I weaken Arikel a generation."

ARIKEL: "You just made that up!"

TREMERE: "Trust me, you'll like it."

BRUJAH: "Potence 10. I expend a barrage of fisticuffs upon Tzimisce."

TZIMISCE: "Vicissitude 10. I can ignore them."

ENNOIA: "Animalism 10. My mice."


TREMERE: "Quick, Arikel! Diablerize Tzimisce while he's distracted!"

AUGUSTUS: "Necromancy 10, Bone Path! The dead have risen- and they're voting Republican!"

TREMERE: "Don't you guys *ever* stop worrying about temporal power?"

AUGUSTUS: "Umm. No."

MALKAV: "Dementation 10! Everyone goes absolutely crazy!"

[there is a pause]

[the pause lengthens]

BRUJAH: "You feel any different, Ennoia?"

ENNOIA: "Nope. You?"

BRUJAH: "Nope. Tremere?"

TREMERE: "Nope."

AUGUSTUS: "Me neither."

BRUJAH: "Nobody asked you."

MALKAV: "Well, THAT was a non-starter."

TZIMISCE: "Well, I *gurgle*..."

ARIKEL (dropping diablerized corpse of Tzimisce): "*I* sure feel different!"

ENNOIA: "Well, that settles it. My mice."

ARIKEL: "I now have Animalism 10. Mine!"


BRUJAH: "Mousefight, actually."

AUGUSTUS: "How droll."

TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Hands of Destruction. I kill the freakin' mice, already."

ARIKEL: "Waaahhh!"

AUGUSTUS: "Zombie mice!"

ENNOIA: "Bastards."

[MASKED AVENGERS #1, #2, and #3 appear]

MASKED AVENGER #2: "Prepare to meet final death at the hands of the Masked Avengers!"

MASKED AVENGER #3: "Especially you, Tremere!"

MASKED AVENGER #2: "No, especially *you*, Augustus!"

MASKED AVENGER #3: "Tremere!"

MASKED AVENGER #2: "Augustus!"

ENNOIA: "Who *are* you guys, anyway?"

MASKED AVENGER #3: "It's a secret. That's why we're wearing masks."

BRUJAH: "Speaking of which, why does your mask have three eyeholes?"

MASKED AVENGER #3: "To be distinctive."

BRUJAH: "Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of wearing a mask?"

MASKED AVENGER #1: "You always were a smartass."

BRUJAH: "Potence 10. I punch the first Masked Avenger."

MASKED AVENGER #1: "Ow." [dies]

MASKED AVENGER #2: "We other Masked Avengers are not so easily thwarted! We shall have our revenge! Especially on you, Augustus!"

MASKED AVENGER #3: "Tremere!"

MASKED AVENGER #2: "Augustus!"

AUGUSTUS: "Can we get rid of these guys?"

TREMERE: "Sure you take care of the guy with the three eyeholes in his mask, and I'll take the guy who says he's my archenemy."

MASKED AVENGER #3: "I, with the three eyes, am your archenemy, Tremere."

TREMERE: "Whatever."

AUGUSTUS: "Potence 10. I crush the guy with the three eyes."

MASKED AVENGER #3: "Fortitude 10. I soak."

TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames. I obliterate Masked Avenger #2."

MASKED AVENGER #2: "Fortitude 10. I soak."

BRUJAH: "Like the guest that won't leave, aren't they?"

AUGUSTUS: "I can handle this. Necromancy 10, Ash Path. I summon the spirits of those who have died tragically."


AUGUSTUS: "Explain your tragedies to the Masked Avengers."


MASKED AVENGER #3: "Oh, the Angst! I cannot *bear* it!"

[MASKED AVENGER #3 commits suicide]

MASKED AVENGER #2: "How fascinating. I wish to learn more."

AUGUSTUS: "Spirits of those who have died tragically, return to the Shadowlands."


MASKED AVENGER #2: "I must follow them to learn more."

[MASKED AVENGER #2 commits suicide]

ARIKEL: "Well, *that* took forever. But now it's done. Now what?"

TREMERE: "Auspex 10 and Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames. I incinerate Set in that corner he's been hiding."

[SET turns to ashes]

AUGUSTUS: "Letting everyone else do the fighting and taking out the winners? I am shocked, SHOCKED."

BRUJAH: "Shocked that you didn't think of it first."

AUGUSTUS: "And I *deeply* deplore that."

[MASKED AVENGER #1 appears]

MASKED AVENGER #1: "Prepare to meet final death at the hands of the Masked Avenger!"

BRUJAH: "You ever have the feeling of deja vu?"

MASKED AVENGER #1: "Constantly."

ENNOIA: "Enough of this. Protean 10. Welcome to the sun, boys!"

TREMERE: "Hah! Thaumaturgy 10, Invulnerable Weakness!"

[MASKED AVENGER #1 goes *fwoosh*]

[BRUJAH goes *fwoosh*]

[MALKAV goes *fwoosh*]

[ARIKEL goes *fwoosh*]

AUGUSTUS: "Hah! You've played perfectly into my master plan! No, wait."

[AUGUSTUS goes *fwoosh*]

TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Neptune's Might. I extinguish Ennoia."

[ENNOIA goes *fwoosh*]

TREMERE: "Woo hoo, I won!"

RAVNOS: "Forgot me."

TREMERE: "You? Where the heck have you been?"

RAVNOS: "Keeping a low profile."

TREMERE: "And you didn't burn up in the sun?"

RAVNOS: "Fortitude 10, baby. And I'll thank you not to kill off my mice."


RAVNOS: "Not so fast! Chimeristry 10!"

TREMERE: "Chimeristry 10? You mean..."

RAVNOS: "Yup. ''Reality.'' I'll turn us all into a roleplaying game."

TREMERE: "You wouldn't!"

RAVNOS: "I just did."


[RAVNOS, TREMERE, and the corpses of the other antediluvians are replaced by a series of hardback and paperback game supplements]


Offline LunarSageTopic starter

Re: Funny World of Darkness Related Stuff
« Reply #1 on: April 28, 2012, 12:53:09 PM »
Antediluvians and Sex:

(Muffled talking and harsh whispers.)

Thank you all for coming. As usual, we have a situation on hand that we need to talk about.

The defacing of the Art Institute by anonymous Rabble?
(Dirty look to BRUJAH.)

Caitiff running wild?
(Dirty look to BRUJAH.)

The defacing of the Public Libraries?
(Dirty look to BRUJAH.)

(BRUJAH flashes a charming grin to all of them and puts his feet on the table.)

No. Tonight we are here to discuss... and I do this with heavy reluctance... sex.

(Stunned silence.)

(Stands starting the "Tush Push" and winks at GANGREL.)
Let's talk about SEX bay-bee, let's talk about YOU an' ME...

Let's not.

I swear on the blood of my familia, she told me she was 18.

Malkav. Please be seated. I...
(Blinks and looks at RAVNOS.)
Um... well...
(Shakes his head.)
This is a SERIOUS discussion.

So what ABOUT sex?

The problem is too many of you take your unlife as permission for a post-mortem orgy. We have rules. Politics. Standards to follow. We are the next level of evolution people. SEX is no longer PLEASURABLE to us... Therefore...

(Looks to GIOVANNI. Very quietly.)
You can say THAT again...

Well if some people didn't just LAY there like the corpse they are...

(Shakes his head.)
Trust me...Yer doing it wrong dude...

Well... I guess I can eat all my edible undies. I like the cotton flavored ones the best.

Look. Our lust is for the BLOOD. Not physical pleasures and desires.

COME ON... I mean the blood is good... but when is the last time a set of double "D" medical packs turned your head?

Bobbit it. Cut if off. Recycle it. Make cocktail wieners.

Speak for yourself gajo some of us fall into larger groupings.

Ohh Hung like a HORSE--
(RAVNOS smiles.)

-- Fly.

It's not just the male persuasion of our little group Brujah. Many of the FEMALES engage in sexual activities at constant rates.

(Suddenly serious.)
THAT is disgusting! That is... vile. WRONG. I demand justice. Kindly give me the names and current addresses of these women and I will see that they get what I... what THEY deserve...

(Thumps MALKAV.)
Siddown nutjob. You've got as much chance of getting laid as pickle puss over there.
(Jerks her thumb to NOSFERATU.)

This coming from the bearded lady.

Watch it scabbie.

I am no stranger to sex my dear wood dweller.

(Wrinkles her nose.)
Sex... no. Soap. Now that is a different story all together.

Not that I particularly care, seeing I have BETTER things to do with my time than engage in pointless activities... but does this mean that we shall no longer be capable of having sex?

It's fallen. And I can't get it UP!

(Looks at GIOVANNI.)
Been there. Done that.

(Room looks to GIOVANNI, who shrinks into his seat. Quietly.)

(Sighs ignoring the outbursts.)
No, Assamite. It simply means that you derive no pleasure from it. You can will the blood... if you MUST... to keep up appearances and what not... But you have no DESIRE for sex.

Yeah... especially after finding out that Nosferatu has it....
(Makes a face.)
There's a mental image I didn't want.

Bumping UGLY... Monkey sex. The Leprous Lombada of Love. A Spew Screw. Oral--

(Smacks him.)
Shut up! You are making us all sick you weird little freak.

So what is the point of seduction...if you are not going to have sex?

The seduction is so you may obtain their blood, without them drawing suspicious. THAT is why our bite is so pleasurable to them. It surpasses sex.

(Muffled grumbling.)

Well? Final thoughts? Comments?

You sure you are not doing this because you can't get laid and are pissed at those of us who can?

Well I can throw out my date book.

Please do, I'm sure Wild Kingdom would love to find it.

There are exceptions to every rule.

(Shares the smile.)

What about the ol' yank and spank? Is that out? Ya know... the ol' bap and slap? I mean I was REALLY good at that.

Rules were meant to be broken.

Meeting Adjourned. And remember. We are not interested in sex. The blood is our sex.

(Very quietly.)
Believe that and you are crazier than I am.

What did you say?

Nothing. Just commenting on the weather.
(Smiles bright.)

Online TheGlyphstone

Re: Funny World of Darkness Related Stuff
« Reply #2 on: April 28, 2012, 01:01:46 PM »
Well, this happened at last month's Requiem LARP game (kinda long):
Spoiler: Click to Show/Hide
Backstory summary, the city is dealing with a persistent infestation of Draugr (feral vampires) who we suspect are being seeded by Belial's Brood infiltrators. My character, a Ventrue Macellarius with heavy ties to the local underworld and street people, had been canvassing the city for anomaly spots of higher-than-average deaths and disappearances that could indicate a draugr nest, and found a suspicious area in the north that checked out. With nothing better to do, the 7 or so Kindred at the gathering set off to clear it out, against an estimated 7 Draugr Larvae. Oh, and only one of us is a combat monkey.

The plan happens to be as follows. The Daeva secures two blood dolls, which I then drug with Befoul (a Macellarius discipline ability that applies huge penalties to vampires feeding off afflicted mortals), who we Dominate into walking into the building where the larvae will eat them, be drugged, and easy kills. The first three steps of that plan go off perfectly, at which point the entire session turns into something out of Left 4 Dead.

The Nos grappler, our Mekhet Sheriff, the Daeva entrancer all go into the ruined building, while I take up the rear to physically barricade the door and prevent larvae from escaping. I'm not too happy with this, but figure it'll be okay. Unfortunately, it turns out we weren't the first arrivals; a police detective with a shotgun, a pizza delivery boy with a pistol, and an old lady with moltov cocktails are there too, ready to attack the very sleepy larvae. The presence of this amateur Hunter group is bad, because they're not the professional Hunters we've been harassed by previously, indicating the draugr were left unchecked long enough to provoke vigilantism. Our conclusion? "Perfect! Let the mortals kill them for us!" We back away quietly, and a few rounds later, there's some explosions and gunfire, and a pair of flaming, screaming larvae come sprinting out the door. Rotschreks ensue, though only the Crone Seneschal waiting outside succumbs. A few people to go run down the flaming vampires and ensure they die, the rest of us start to retreat slowly and quietly.

500-pound vampires with no Stealth and Dex 1 do not retreat quietly. As I'm lumbering towards my car, the detective happens to look out the door - at the sight of the horrifically obese mound of pale corpse-flesh with Humanity 2 in a tailored suit sprinting away, he screams "BOOMER!" and unloads his shotgun into my back. We have to break for about 5 minutes for laughter, during which I contemplate extending the joke by actually retaliating with Disgorge-fueled acidic vomit. But I'm alone against three armed mortals, having already taken 5 Bashing, and unwilling to reveal my spewing ability to the city's other Kindred yet. So I duck inside the car instead and let the Nos handle them.

Offline LunarSageTopic starter

Re: Funny World of Darkness Related Stuff
« Reply #3 on: April 29, 2012, 10:43:41 AM »
Glyph:  Dex of 1?  Ouch.  Projectile vomiting?  Ew.  o.O  Sounds like a Nosferatu thing to me.  :P


Antediluvians and Clan Flaws:

Ventrue Okay folks. We have another problem. The "kids" want to know how we tell each other apart...what makes us unique.

Toreador That's easy...we are all unique...special..beautiful in our own way we--

Brujah Shut the hell up. He means like what separates CLANS you pantywaste.

Malk Never waste panties...Too hard to find this time of year.

Ventrue Yes Brujah. What makes into a Category. What makes us. CLAN.

Brujah Yeah. just another way for the "man" to keep an eye on us.

Malk What man?

Brujah Shut up before I mash you kook.

Ventrue ::sighs:: Any suggestions?

Toreador Signature Clothing?

Tremere Necklaces? Mystical pendants?

Malk Cheese...Different Cheeses assigned to each clan. There are different types to chose from you know?

Brujah ::looks to Nosferatu:: Yeah..lemme guess who Limburger is....

Nos I heard that.

Ventrue I was thinking more along the lines...of a weakness...a..subtle flaw.

Malk I call Kryptonite!!!

Brujah ::smashes him on the head:: Must have a Kyrptonite fist. SHUT UP.

Malk unnrk.

Ventrue Okay...Brujah...yours will be your temper. For obvious reasons.

Brujah TEMPER? WHAT TEMPER? .....fricking suits....You'd be pissed too if you had to sit next to Nos and Malk.

Ventrue ::coughs:: Torrie, since you love will be known as the artist clan.

Toreador Tragic...yet...beautiful. Agreed.

Malk ::small voice:: I still want Kryptonite.

Brujah ::SMACK:: Hehe. Temper..okay..Cool.

Malk Unnnggh.

Nos ::Scratches his chin causing skin to flake off:: And my..flaw?


Ventrue ::shivers:: We'll get back to you. Gangrel. Yours will be...everytime you look more like an animal.

Gangrel WHAT? What do you mean "You look more like an animal??"

Ventrue It starts of know....fur....deep voice....maybe horns....

Gangrel WHAT??? Oh COME on...Torrie gets to moon over stupid drawings and I get a fricking BEAK? Yeah...that's REAL fair...::grumbles into a growl::

Assamite And I?

Tremere You can't drink kindred blood..::laughs:: It's poison. Your hair falls out and you look like him. ::points to Nos::

Ventrue Agreed.

Nos Still waiting.

silence, Malk giggles

Assamite Why does TREMERE get to pick my weakness.

Tremere Lump it pal.

Ventrue Tremere...if Assamite can't drink kindred blood....then you have to drink from..all of your elders.

Malk No one got Kryptonite?

Brujah ::BAP:: Temper.. LOVE it.

Ventrue reflection.

Lasombra You should give THAT to Nos.....

Nos Still waiting...

Ventrue ::coughs:: Be right with you Nos.....Is that acceptable Lasombra?

Lasombra Yeah....but you guys have to tell me when I have something on my chin.

Ventrue No problem. ...Hmmm...Tzim....You're weakness..will be...

Malk Having a clan name no one can say or spell?

Ventrue Yes. er..No. ...You..must your native soil..or have some in your coffin...

Gangrel WHAT??? I get WEBBED TOES and she has to sleep in DIRT??

Tzim Agreed.

Gangrel I want a new one.....

Nos Still waiting.....have you forgotten me?


Ventrue Moving right along.....Giovanni...Your Kiss pleasure in your bite.

Toreador You can say THAT again....

Room looks to Torrie Oh..sorry..was that outloud?

Gio vq One off night...plagues you for your unlife...

Ventrue Ravnos. You are a criminal by nature.

Ravnos ::gives back Ventrue's wallet:: Sorry.

Ventrue ::blinks taking it:: I meant....::shakes head:: Oookay. The money too..


Nos When do I get one?

Brujah At birth...

Stifled Laughter

Ventrue Ahem...You over there..Setite...yours don't like the light..

Gangrel OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD?? I get a set of BAT wings and he doesn't like brightlights??

Malk Fly my little monkeys...Fllllyyyyy..

Brujah ::raises hand and Malk winces::

Set ::grins:: Agreed..fair and just. ::winks::

Gangrel ::points:: He WINKED!! You two had A DEAL SET UP?? .....God DAMN snakes......

Nos If you continuing ignoring me...I will get UGLY.

Malk Too late...

Stifled laughter

Ventrue Am I missing anyone?

Malk Do I get Kryptonite?

Tzim You, little man, have ENOUGH don't need an additional flaw.

Ventrue Then it is settled....

Nos You have forgotten yourself....and I.

Brujah Yeah. Mr.Picky. What is YOUR flaw.

Ventrue ::smiles:: I am Picky...about ...what I eat....

Gangrel ::stands up throwing chair back:: I am LEAVING!! ::pointing around the room:: I get udders like a fucking COW and YOU get to sleep in DIRT? YOU are a fussy eater? YOU Get to look at art...YOU...::finger stops on Nos::...Okay..I guess it could be worse.

Nos I get it. I am the unflawed clan.... gotcha.

Brujah ::laughs:: Yup..that's it..

Ventrue ::coughs:: Meeting Adjourned.

Malk, leaving very quietly singing oogly....and yer mama dresses you oogly...


Online TheGlyphstone

Re: Funny World of Darkness Related Stuff
« Reply #4 on: April 29, 2012, 11:07:45 AM »
Glyph:  Dex of 1?  Ouch.  Projectile vomiting?  Ew.  o.O  Sounds like a Nosferatu thing to me.  :P

Nah, it's a Legendary bloodline of the Ventrue. The Macellarius are horrifically obese cannibals, their signature discipline lets them gain Vitae by eating and digesting raw human flesh, store Vitae in their fat cells, and at higher levels, spend Vitae to spew boiling acidic vomit for ranged Agg.
« Last Edit: April 29, 2012, 11:10:51 AM by TheGlyphstone »

Offline Callie Del Noire

Re: Funny World of Darkness Related Stuff
« Reply #5 on: April 29, 2012, 04:23:56 PM »
All I got are stories of my table top troupe's misadventures. :D

Online TheGlyphstone

Re: Funny World of Darkness Related Stuff
« Reply #6 on: April 29, 2012, 04:34:33 PM »
Well share, then!

Offline Etah dna Evol

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Re: Funny World of Darkness Related Stuff
« Reply #7 on: April 29, 2012, 05:35:38 PM »
I LoLed at the first two posts

Offline Callie Del Noire

Re: Funny World of Darkness Related Stuff
« Reply #8 on: April 29, 2012, 05:48:27 PM »
Which ones to share though..

Stories of my vampire troupe's 'favorite' villain 'RIP' Kellerman (or as they called her..'The flaming hell bitch who refuses to die!') or the Mage troupe's antics with my take on John Constantine (also known as the 'bastard who must die.. as soon as I get the negatives back')

Offline LunarSageTopic starter

Re: Funny World of Darkness Related Stuff
« Reply #9 on: April 30, 2012, 04:15:47 PM »
We'd love to hear any amusing anecdotes!  :-)

VENTRUE: "Thank you all for attending. I again call the council to discuss yet ANOTHER problem we are having with our... youth."

TOREADOR: You have our undivided attentions, as usual. Please, go on.

(RAVNOS makes wet ass-kissing sounds and a roll of gypsy eyes.

MALKAV grabs him by the cheeks and kisses him fully on the mouth.)

RAVNOS: GAH!!! (Spits and runs after MALKAV who takes off sprinting.) I will kill you, dilo bastard!

VENTRUE: ENOUGH!! (Stands.) Ravnos, PLEASE be seated. Malkav. (Points.) Over there... Next to Brujah.

(BRUJAH smiles and pats the seat next to him causing MALKAV to eep.)

VENTRUE: As I was stating before the OUTBURST... (Dirty look to MALKAV.) We have yet another problem. The children know we have our flaws to separate us, but they want to know our strengths as well. So... I have taken the liberty to...

GANGREL: (Growls.) You hook me up like you did with the flaws and you are gonna take your liberties to the hospital little man.

VENTRUE: (Coughs and nods.) Of... course... Gangrel... Shall we start with you?

(GANGREL folds her arms and gives the stare that all men, dead or alive, fear from women.)

VENTRUE: Ahem... ahh yes... (Rustles papers.) Gangrel... I to you... Grant the abilities of your animal nature. Growing claws at will, changing into animal form at will... Even becoming the mists of night themselves. (Swallows.) Acceptable?

GANGREL: It's a start. I still owe you for the pig's tail...

VENTRUE: Moving right along... Malkav... I grant you... the power of Dominate, you may control the minds of your...

BRUJAH: ARE YOU OFF YOUR GOD DAMNED ROCKER? Giving HIM the ability to control OTHERS?? We'll all end up as demented as he is!

VENTRUE: Dementia? Instilling insanity in others?

MALKAV: Deal. Done. Thank you, drive thru.

(BRUJAH cringes and shakes his head.)

VENTRUE: I'm... not... sure what just... happened... Malk? I was?

MALKAV: Moving on to Toreador.

VENTRUE: (Shakes his head and nods.) Yes... um... Toreador. Because of your beauty, and apprication of... your perfect social skills, and untouchable elegance, I give you the ability to influence the feelings of others. Inspiring Awe, Fear, Love or Respect in all you wish.

TOREADOR: Wise, just, and kind. Thank you.

BRUJAH: (Makes kissy noises and quickly looks to MALKAV.) You even THINK it and yer pulp Kook.

VENTRUE: Assamite. Due to your... ahem... activities... I chose silence for you. You manipulate sounds, causing the death cries of your victims to be lost with their lives.

ASSAMITE: (Smiles and nods.) Such things are in the blood...

VENTRUE: Brujah... my violent friend. To further... your personality... I give to you unparalleled strength... and speed. May your wrath be as swift and stinging as your temper.

BRUJAH: (Grins at ASSAMITE.) Awww. I wanted to be really quiet!! (Mock sighs.) Guess I have to suffer with strength and speed. (Laughs.)

ASSAMITE: Then suffer in silence.

(BRUJAH's laughter stops as his sounds are abruptly cut off.)

VENTRUE: Um... (Whispers to ASSAMITE.) Should have gave you that a long time ago Assamite. (To all.) Moving on. Tzim... I give to you...

MALKAV: A NEW CLAN NAME!!! Something we can say without sounding like we are sneezing through a mouth full of -- (Goes silent.)

VENTRUE: Thank you Assamite. Ahem. Tzim, you shall have the ability to sculpt and mold flesh and bone, as artists mold clay or shape stone.

TZIMISCE: (Dirty look to MALKAV.) Come here my silent little friend...
(MALKAV lets out a silent shriek as he holds up two fingers in the sign of the cross.)

VENTRUE:Ahem... Nosferatu. I grant you the ability to...

MALKAV: Leap tall buildings in a SINGLE BOUND!

VENTRUE: (Surprised.) I thought you were silenced?

BRUJAH: (Shaking out a sore hand.) Well he has to be CONSCIOUS to do that now doesn't he? (Kicks ASSAMITE before sitting.) Strength and speed. I love it.

VENTRUE: Nos, I grant you the power to be unseen. You may come and go and no one will acknowledge your presence.

BRUJAH: (Laughs.) Oh yeah... Like he gets ALL the acknowledgement in the world right now... A real chick magnet.

NOSFERATU: Accepted, thank you, Ventrue. (To BRUJAH.) Why on earth would I want to attract other women?.

BRUJAH: (Pales.) You... are... a... Oh god... I'm gonna be sick...

GIOVANNI: (Scootches closer to NOSFERATU.) Sooo... what are you doing aft...

VENTRUE: Giovanni. You are given, power over the dead. The truly dead. All that fester and rot are in your domain.

BRUJAH: Ugh... so you DO have a chance with Nos. (Looks at VENTRUE.) Man... can you imagine if... (Leans in, whispering to VENTRUE, who pales, then looks ill.)

VENTRUE: Thank you for that lovely image Brujah. I will be sure to send you my therapy bill. Ravnos...
Ravnos: (Looks startled then sheepish.) Sorry... (Hands VENTRUE his wallet.)

VENTRUE: No... I... (Shakes his head and snatches the wallet back.) I know I am going to regret this... but I give you the power of trickery. Your illusions, jokes, and general mischief shall fool not only the eyes, but all senses.

MALKAV: Yeah. I'M the crazy one... (Looks at the stirring ASSAMITE and punches him in the jaw.) I'm gunna knock you out! Mama said knock you out. I'm gunna take this iddy biddy world by storm and I'm just... urnk..

BRUJAH: (Shakes off his fist.) Strength. And Speed. GOTTA love it.

VENTRUE: Lasombra. Yes... you over in the poorly lit corner. Your ability shall be mastery of the shadows and the dark. With it... (Blinks.) Where did he go?

VOICE OF LASOMBRA: Accepted. Gladly.

MALKAV: (Groggily and weakly.) Carolanne... stay away from the light... (Thunks back to the table.)

VENTRUE: Um... yes. Tremere. Given your studies... you are given the ability to create magic. Casting cantrips and using your powers as you see fit.)

TREMERE: But I already have...

VENTRUE: And last but not least, myself.

BRUJAH: (Warily.) Best for last? What do you get?

VENTRUE: I get the mastery of mind control. With it I shall lead us, holding both meetings, and the majority of offices. Any one who objects, please try to raise your hands

(Everyone struggles to lift stubborn limbs that refuse to obey.)

VENTRUE: Very nice. Meeting... adjourned.

Offline Geeklet

Re: Funny World of Darkness Related Stuff
« Reply #10 on: May 02, 2012, 04:22:23 PM »
Ohh Hung like a HORSE--
(RAVNOS smiles.)

-- Fly.


Bumping UGLY... Monkey sex. The Leprous Lombada of Love. A Spew Screw. Oral--
MALKAV: Yeah. I'M the crazy one... (Looks at the stirring ASSAMITE and punches him in the jaw.) I'm gunna knock you out! Mama said knock you out. I'm gunna take this iddy biddy world by storm and I'm just... urnk..

BRUJAH: (Shakes off his fist.) Strength. And Speed. GOTTA love it.

Malkav > All.

Offline LunarSageTopic starter

Re: Funny World of Darkness Related Stuff
« Reply #11 on: May 02, 2012, 04:47:16 PM »
Malkav > All.

Agreed!  Well except Salubri.  I gotta put them on equal Malkavian footing.


The Elephant and the 7 Blind Bats

Once upon a Time, there were seven blind bats. Or 13 ... I forget.
Anyway, they were a bit hungry for fresh blood, because they were Vampire Blind Bats, so they looked around for something to bite.
Except they couldn't look around, as they were blind, which you should have realized already.
But their unerringly keen senses of smell led them to a plump, juicy, blood-filled elephant --- which in this story stands for all of reality. Got it?
The Gangrel bat bumped in to the tail and said, Aha!
This elephant is really a twitching animal! That is what I shall become.
The Brujah broke his fangs trying to bite the hoof and said, Aha!
The elephant is like a hard, stony, insensate pestle that crushes all beneath it with pitiless abandon!
That is what I shall become.
The Nosferatu flew into the elephant's butt and said, Aha!
The elephant is really a wrinkled, stinky, puckered, desiccated mass that lives in a dank cave!
That is what I shall become.
The Tremere bit the head and said, Aha!
The elephant is really a puny little brain struggling to control a vast and powerful body!
That is what I shall become!
The Ventrue felt the legs, and said Aha!
The elephant is really a powerful, upstanding pillar that can bear all weight with strength, but with very little suppleness or resilience!
That is what I shall become!
The Toreador felt the trunk and mouth and said, Aha!
The elephant is really a great, firm shaft or a warm, moist hole!
That is what I shall become!
And the Malkavian bat, blinder than all the rest, swooped down and managed to miss the entire elephant.
Aha! said the benighted Malkavian, as it flapped past.
The others are making a huge fuss over an elephant that is really a big of nothing!
Well, that is what I shall become!

And so i say unto you, flap on!

Offline Chris Brady

Re: Funny World of Darkness Related Stuff
« Reply #12 on: May 02, 2012, 10:00:04 PM »
Lunar?  Utter classics.  I nearly fell of my chair. Twice.  XD

Thanks man!

Offline LunarSageTopic starter

Re: Funny World of Darkness Related Stuff
« Reply #13 on: May 03, 2012, 06:27:33 AM »
Glad I could brighten someone's day!   ;D

Online TheGlyphstone

Re: Funny World of Darkness Related Stuff
« Reply #14 on: May 03, 2012, 09:23:37 AM »
Is there a joke I'm not getting for why the other six clans were left out?

Offline Geeklet

Re: Funny World of Darkness Related Stuff
« Reply #15 on: May 03, 2012, 10:26:34 AM »
Those 7 clans were the original Camarilla clans.