Not sure what promted this one, except maybe the bad cold, night time cough syrup I was on at the time and the insomnia that I've been having trouble with lately. I originally posted this in Tangency on rpg.net, but I think people here will get a kick out of it too. Here it is:
Hi, I'm John McClane
A crazy dream by Stattick
I was working as a teacher at a large multi-story elementary school. Anyhow, there was some sort of disaster. Myself and the other teachers weren't quite sure what was going on. All we knew is that there was a tremendous BOOM! and the building had shaken. The phones didn't seem to be working. I calmed down my Kindergardeners by having them sing a nursery school song.
After they calmed down, I tried calling the front desk, but the phones were out. I tried my cell phone, but it didn't work either. I couldn't even make a phone call with the cell phone at all. I tried to see if there was anything going on by looking out the window. Nope, everything looked fine. The windows on the other side of the building? Everything still looked fine.
I walked over to another classroom to talk to another teacher and find out what was going on. They didn't know. Next teacher was actually a janitor
watching a bunch of freaked out kids, because their teacher had left at the very beginning of everything and hadn't come back yet.
I decide to walk to the office personally and find out what was going on. Fuck, if you wanted something done right you had to do it yourself. I can't get to the office, the doors are locked. Even the emergency doors like the fire doors. The hell!?
So I go out onto the roof to see what's going on. There's about 20 other teachers up there on the roof. But the door I came out through wasn't in their sight, so no one was able to keep the door from slamming shut behind me, and trapping me outside along side the other teachers. There also happens to be a massive fire going on, where an airplane had struck the building. I go over to the side of the building, and I can see that the office is still intact, and there's people running around inside. I go over to the other side of the building, and see about a million fire trucks, and there's police setting up barracades to keep people away from the building. Don't ask me why I couldn't see any of this from inside my classroom.
I light up a cigarette. Fuck the no smoking policy, the god-damned building's on fire
. Another teacher finds me. We talk for a bit while I smoke. I angrily demand to know why they haven't gotten off the roof and gone downstairs to evac the kids out of the building. Well, it seems every single thing that they've tried has utterly failed to get them off the roof. They've tried everything
, and some of them were pretty clever. He tells me that they've actually simply given up hope, and are just waiting for someone to come along and save them, or waiting to die.
So I look around and spot a firehouse. I walk over to it, and take the whole spool out of the bracket. I uncouple the hose from the wall. The other teacher asks me what I'm going to do ~ they've already tried to fight
the fire with a different hose earlier, but then the water stopped working. I don't answer. I just diligently work, getting angrier and angrier, and smoke my cigarette.
I walk over to the small retaining wall that runs along the roof, and tie one end of the firehose off to the rail. After I get it tied off, I throw the other end off the side of the building, and tell the other teacher that we're going to rappel off the side of the building using the fire hose. He eyes light up, and then he asks me my name.
I give him a sidelong look with that cigarette dangling from my lips. "Me? My name's John McClane."
The other teacher's eyes go wide, and he says "Really! You're the
John McClane! Wow, that's really cool! So you've got experience fighting terrorists and stuff."
I chuckle and respond, "It don't matter anyway, cause the GM's just fucking with us." As I say that, the rail pulls out of the morter, and the weight of the firehose and spool yank the whole thing off the building. We're still stuck on the roof./Scene change/
I stand up snarling. There's a cigarette dangling from my mouth. There's another eight people gathered around the table with me and we're gaming. I look at the GM, and he's watching me with a look of terror on his face. With one broad gesture, I slap his GM screen off the table and send dice and minitures flying.
"Seriously, that's what the module says!!!" He shrieks at me in a high nasaly whine as he flinches and backs away from me.
"THAT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO GET OFF THE ROOF!? BULLSHIT!! LEMME SEE THAT FUCKING THING!" I say as I yank the module out of his hand.
A quick glance reveals that the GM misinterpreted a line or two in the module, and has been railroading ever since. I show the evidence to the others, and the anger rises in the room. I tell the GM, "You're not allowed to GM here no more you fucktard! Now get out!"/Scene change/
"Sooo.... we ever going to get off this roof?"
"Yeah, in just a minute or two the firemen come busting down those doors. It seems the GM was being a fucktard, so I went and kicked his ass and took over his job. We'll be fine."
"Wow. I didn't know you could depose God if your life got crappy enough. You really must be John McClane to do that
. That is sooo cool. So how'd you wind up with a job here
"Actually I was just fucking with the GM, but I like it, so..... Well that's a long story, but it involves lots of guns, shooting, fire, and explosions. Much like the next few hours will. Trust me. Christmas is always fucked up like that."
"Sure, why not... Look, decorations!"
"Oh. Oh, yeah, I can see them now. Wow. I can't imagine that I'd forget it was Christmas. Must be the stress and all."
"You ain't seen nothing yet. Is it ok if I maim you. You know, later in the session."
With a worried look on his face, he exclaims, "Huh!?"
The doors onto the roof burst open and the firemen are here. I toss my cigarette butt off the roof. "And since I don't believe in GMPC's, I'm outta here." I zoom to the sky like Neo from The Matrix, and dramatic music starts playing. [/dream]
And that's when I wake up. Five hours of sleep, and I can't get back to sleep. Well that's just great. The GM's fucking with me again. I'd like to check the module, and make sure he's not just being a fucktard. Still, I wish I had a cooler name.