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Author Topic: 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek  (Read 1465 times)

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Offline LunarSageTopic starter

10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
« on: March 18, 2012, 12:58:10 AM »
((I didn't write this, but I did get a chuckle out of it))

10 things I hate about Star Trek
By an anonymous Trekkie.


10. Noisy doors.

You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40


9. The Federation.

This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it?

And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here's an important fact: Most people, you don't want to see them in spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.


8. Reversing the Polarity.

For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity."

Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it.


7. Seatbelts.

Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some futuristic restraining device to prevent that from happening." So of course, they did make something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"


6. No fuses.

Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuseless exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down.


5. Rule by committee.

Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV last year:

Star Trek:

Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something."
Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look
pensive."

Firefly:

Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"


4. A Star Trek quiz:

Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?


3. Technobabble.

The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunneling effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.


2. The Holodeck.

I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegee the holodeck clean.


1. The Prime Directive.

How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne look-alikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! all day. It would be heck. At least until the Kaboom. The Earth-Shattering Kaboom.

Offline DudelRok

Re: 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
« Reply #1 on: March 18, 2012, 01:04:54 AM »
Ha, that's good fun.

Offline Samael

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Re: 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2012, 01:11:10 AM »
3. Technobabble.

The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunneling effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.


...God help me, I actually understood that.

Offline Shjade

Re: 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2012, 08:10:10 AM »
Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits

OHGODMENTALIMAGESIDIDNOTNEEDAUGH

Offline Beguile's Mistress

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Re: 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2012, 09:56:04 AM »
4. A Star Trek quiz:

Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?

You know it!

Offline Codswallop

Re: 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
« Reply #5 on: March 18, 2012, 10:04:27 AM »
It would be heck. At least until the Kaboom. The Earth-Shattering Kaboom.

This whole thing made me laugh.  ;D

Offline DudelRok

Re: 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
« Reply #6 on: March 18, 2012, 02:18:20 PM »
This whole thing made me laugh.  ;D

I'm not the only person who actually heard Marvin, then? XD

Offline Chris Brady

Re: 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
« Reply #7 on: March 18, 2012, 02:30:26 PM »
Firefly is actually considered good sci--fi?  But...  But...  That's not what Joss Whedon SAID about it!

Fans...

Also, I disagree with 5.  Oh, Star Trek is bad for the Ruled by Committee, but if anyone tried to pull that crap on a pirate ship (which Mal effectively runs) you have to remember, there's only ONE captain, and how many crew members?  Does the name General Custer mean anything to you?

Man, must be nice to live where you do.  None of the automatic doors are quiet where I live.  Albeit, they are much more quiet than the ones on ST.

Offline Oniya

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Re: 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
« Reply #8 on: March 18, 2012, 04:42:22 PM »
I'm not the only person who actually heard Marvin, then? XD

I don't think anyone who has seen Looney Tunes can read that phrase without hearing it in Marvin's voice.   ;D

Offline Beguile's Mistress

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Re: 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
« Reply #9 on: March 18, 2012, 04:52:21 PM »
"Where's the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom!"

Offline Callie Del Noire

Re: 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
« Reply #10 on: March 18, 2012, 04:54:47 PM »
"Where's the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom!"

Where's the kaboom?

Offline DeMalachine

Re: 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
« Reply #11 on: March 18, 2012, 05:02:58 PM »
Quote
Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits

Sheds new and disturbing light on, "She canna take it, cap'n!" doesn't it.

Offline Callie Del Noire

Re: 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
« Reply #12 on: March 18, 2012, 06:57:50 PM »
Sheds new and disturbing light on, "She canna take it, cap'n!" doesn't it.

Apparently sheep aren't the only thing that need to watch out for a Scotsman.

Offline DeMalachine

Re: 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
« Reply #13 on: March 18, 2012, 07:02:11 PM »
Apparently sheep aren't the only thing that need to watch out for a Scotsman.

Seems the Tribbles had a little help, then...

"I'm wearing my sporran, capt'n. Honest!"
« Last Edit: March 18, 2012, 07:03:40 PM by DeMalachine »

Offline DudelRok

Re: 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
« Reply #14 on: March 19, 2012, 01:10:12 PM »
I don't think anyone who has seen Looney Tunes can read that phrase without hearing it in Marvin's voice.   ;D
"Where's the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom!"
Where's the kaboom?

I <3 you guies. Seriously.

Offline RubySlippers

Re: 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
« Reply #15 on: March 19, 2012, 01:19:19 PM »
I have to point out the Prime Directive never applied to advanced space faring societies (warp drive plus) when humans met the Klingons they did not break the Prime Directive, if Marvin could find Earth and was in a spaceship it wouldn't apply since he was advanced.

My big note is where are the lazy asses in the Federation if it was me why work replicators provide everything, it seems unlikely on Earth they would let you go without the basics and then some since starving on the street cold would be bad and so I would do what I wanted and screw working. Or I might do something for fun and well try to make that look presentable like be a mime or a public performer even if not good at it. Why work though if your in a society with no demand for it and no real worries?

Offline Martee

Re: 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
« Reply #16 on: March 20, 2012, 07:24:58 AM »
Oh, that was some good stuff.  I love Star Trek, but that was brilliant.

Quote
If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute...

I was on the verge of tears with that, really.

Offline TheGlyphstone

Re: 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
« Reply #17 on: March 20, 2012, 09:36:00 AM »
Objection! It was Jayne who said the quote about the chain of command, not Mal.

[/completelymissingthepoint]
 ;D
« Last Edit: March 20, 2012, 04:44:43 PM by TheGlyphstone »

Offline Shjade

Re: 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
« Reply #18 on: March 20, 2012, 03:51:50 PM »
It was Jayne who said the quote about the chain of command, not Jayne.
I...what?

Offline TheGlyphstone

Re: 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
« Reply #19 on: March 20, 2012, 04:44:27 PM »
Derp derp. Second Jayne is supposed to be Mal. Says so now and always did.

Offline Chris Brady

Re: 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
« Reply #20 on: March 20, 2012, 05:00:26 PM »
Which begged the question, why didn't Mal space the moron.  At least the Trekkies were reasonably nice to each other, but the Firefly crew?  They should have imploded by the 4th episode.  :p

Offline TheGlyphstone

Re: 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
« Reply #21 on: March 20, 2012, 05:12:51 PM »
He sorta did. It just took a few episodes.

Offline Chris Brady

Re: 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
« Reply #22 on: March 20, 2012, 05:30:19 PM »
I never got past the first episode, and the movie was...  OK.  Not exactly as great as everyone was claiming/hoping it was.  And I got the impression that Jayne was too popular a character to get rid of.

Anyway, personally, I feel sorry for Ensign Gomez.  Always given the red shirt.

Offline TheGlyphstone

Re: 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
« Reply #23 on: March 20, 2012, 05:37:01 PM »
Well, he kinda changed his mind at the last minute. I won't say anything else on the off-chance you ever decide to watch the rest of the series.

Offline Shjade

Re: 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
« Reply #24 on: March 20, 2012, 06:43:59 PM »
Which begged the question, why didn't Mal space the moron.

Because Mal wasn't around at the time, which is why Jayne was in charge.