Fitting that the last of these letters should go to you, the last of the letters sure, but surely the best.
Our relationship topped off at 3 months altogether, but honestly it doesn't really matter in the scheme of things. People can be in whole relationships for years and end it because there was nothing? What's having had felt like I did, so strongly after only a few weeks? Maybe it was the fact that while not my first boyfriend, you were my first. First in the intimate sense, but you were the first to be patient with me, to be there without being obtrusive and invasive, the first person who....who when you looked at me, I felt important, like I was the center of the universe. Nothing can begin to properly describe how important, how vital you made me feel and at too many times I wasn't appreciative, too impatient for more, too young to really appreciate what I had in you. Still it was more than enough to last me the past 6 years, because for just a few months, I was, or at least felt, like I was someones whole world.
Maybe it's hindsight, but even despite my at times bratty behavior, I really did feel powerfully for you. Which when I think about it, is probably what really brought about my bratty behavior. It was overwhelming at times, you were just so different from me in so many ways and I could never get inside your head and I just couldn't handle it at times. It was like trying to battle the sea when the waves are just too strong, too high at times, and yet when you let it go and ride them, it was like a blissful loss of self that couldn't be measured or properly explained.
It's...it's amazing how I still feel about all of this....
I recently read a quote and it struck me as so incredibly true, that love doesn't fade away or disappear, you either always love someone, or you never loved them in the first place. It has been almost 6 years this coming up Spring since it all began and ended and I still feel for you. Such a bittersweet thing, thinking of you, you who with a smile and a kiss, wrapped my heart around your fingers, that you, with a few sentences and a regret, sent me spiralling for months into darkness. The pain of the loss I felt isn't even important to me any longer, I know why you did what you did, and because of what followed after I know what you said was true, and that's what's truly important.
You were so good to me, and you always thought of me, you...god(s) I just do not even know where to begin to describe in such a short letter to even tell you what you did. Even for me now, almost a full 6 years later, how you defined parts of me. Part of me will ALWAYS belong to you, a part you deserve, a part that has been nurtured by the memory of all of you for years, and I smile when I think of it.
It's this part of me that I acknowledge, and am secretly glad you are now so far away. At times I'm terrified when I go to see old friends, you might for whatever fluke reason, show up, and I'm scared and excited at the thought. Such a silly thing, how terrified I would be, to see you for the first time in so many years. How utterly out of my element, out of my comfort zone and my cherished and vaunted self-control. How like a little kid I would be, wanting to cling to the nearest source of safety, comfort and authority that I could find before having to remind myself that I'm a 22 year old man who should be in control of himself.
You will be the definition of the best man, of what a relationship, a partner, a love and a dream should be. When I think of all the failures I've ever endured over the years, I'm comforted, lifted up by reminders in my memories of you. I truly wish I could tell you, that I could just tell you all of this, that I could let all that I've mentioned here. I want you so badly to know how I feel, how I've dreamt, (god I had a dream about you last year) what it all meant and just how wonderful you truly are.
But I don't.
Out of fear, a fear so powerful it grips my heart so tightly that even wondering what you would do if you knew avoid my consciousness. I shrink back like a child made to go near the closet, or into the dreaded basement. Such a mixture of emotions I put myself through, it's funny really, stupid too, and so utterly human.
Odd how 6 years later I still feel a warmth about all that...to the point that I'm pushed to almost tears just writing this and listening to this damned music. It's ridiculous how these emotions can be still so potent, the memories so vivid and filled with such weight. It's bittersweet, but it's heavier on the sweet than on the bitter.
Thank you Nathan, thank you so much.
During: Innocence - Avril Lavigne (with lyrics)tim mcgraw ft faith hill its your love lyrics
After: Kelly Clarkson Addicted Lyrics
Now: Someone Like You (Adele Cover) - Piano Version