Fort Minor - Slip out the back (High Quality Version)
Hey guys, today Iíve decided that today I want to share some of my thoughts and experiences concerning something that weíve all had to face in one way or another: Fear.
Saying what Iím about to say is going to be very difficult for me and some of you might think it makes me a coward, or that Iím just trying to get attention or be deliberately dramatic. If you do, so be it. While youíre all free to read and comment, Iím writing this for me because I feel I need to at this point in time.
There hasnít been a time in my life that I can think of when I havenít been afraid in one way or another. Sometimes I feel like Iíve always been afraid.
Mostly Iím afraid of what I would deem to be ďthe regular things:Ē that people wouldnít like me, that I wonít amount to anything, that I would lose my loved ones, that I would always be alone. As I grew into my teens, these things continued to be there but there also came things of a more serious nature.
From the sixth grade to the eighth, I attended one of those ďinner cityĒ schools everyone hears about and I have to admit, things there were tough. Now I donít want to sound like Iím being overly dramatic, after all Iím from Canada so itís not like we had kids running around with automatic weapons. However, over this three year period I lost track of the number of times I was forced to physically defend myself. As well I had knives drawn on me on two separate occasions. Frankly, it was some nasty business, but I thankfully made it through without getting anything more than the occasional black eye. Even though it was a scary time in my life, it never really occurred to me that I might not make it home.
That fear, unfortunately, came later.
Fast forward to October of 2011: Iím twenty-four, physically fit and going to school to get into law enforcement. Itís a Saturday night turned Sunday morning and Iím coming home from a bar located down the block from my home. Now Iíve been coming and going from this establishment since I was 19 and Iíve never had a problem with anyone. As I round the corner onto my street, my mind suddenly goes blank. The next thing I know, itís nearly an hour later and Iím inside my house with no recollection of how I got there. There are people standing around me, lots of them, and their talking to me but I canít make sense of what their saying. I look down at myself, and realize that my favourite green t-shirt is now drenched in red.
At first I donít understand what the liquid is, but as my mind slowly starts to work I realize itís my blood. Thereís not a few drops here and there, but a torrent of it still coming from my face and as I look around I realize that itís not just my shirt that soaked with it, but my pants, several towels, the bathroom floor, the mirror, the shower, even the fucking toilet. My entire bathroom looks like a scene out of Saw
, and it all came from me.
To this day I donít remember what happened. The who, what, when and where have luckily been filled in by various people who came to my defence that night as well as the police investigation. The why, still to this day, remains a mystery. Iím not going to go too much into detail, but sufficed to say,
I highly doubt Iíll ever know what exactly happened. He (the man who attacked me) has his story and I have no memory intact with which to refute it.
As a result of the attack, I suffered a concussion, a broken nose, and two fractures to the ethmoid bone in the face as well as numerous lacerations and bruises and broken teeth. The nose has since been set and it, along with the other fractures, has healed. My concussion has healed for the most part, but Iím still prone to spells of dizziness and headaches during heavy exertion and Iíve also come close to fainting a few times.
Physically, I continue to work at getting stronger, but itís difficult. Mentally I try to keep myself going, which I think Iíve done a pretty good job of overall. However, itís not without difficulty. Since the attack Iíve bounced between depression and rage. Iíve come into contact with my assailant three times since then. Two of the times, Iíve had to work with all my strength to keep from going after him and the third I simply froze. Thereís a part of me that feels like a coward for feeling the way I do. I feel like I shouldnít have any fear at all, but I know thatís a stupid notion. As my use of force instructor told us: I fear the man who has no fear. The truth is, everyone who enters a violent or potentially violent situation is scared on some level. Youíd have to be psychotic not to be.
So now the question put to me by some of my family and friends, why would I want to begin a career in law enforcement given my experiences and the possibility that I will end up in a similar situation again. Truthfully, thatís a hard question to answer. My feelings on the matter have been conflicted and contradictory, but at the end of the day I think the best explanation comes in the form of the song I posted above.
"You know me, I used to get caught up in everyday life
Tried to make it through my day so I could sleep at night
Tried to figure out my way through the maze
Of rights and wrongs, but like you used to say
Nothing feels like it's really worth it
Forget perfect, I'm trying not to be worthless
Since I last saw you I been looking for a purpose"
Simply said: I feel like itís my purpose. I donít want to end up letting my fear rule me so that I end up taking the safe path. Whether or not I end up as a police officer, or serving in some other function, I know I have to continue onward despite being terrified a good deal of the time.