Topic: Of Candy and Conundrums

[lollipop]

I’ve spent months considering this, months considering where I would put a blog. Nowhere really seemed appropriate, except Elliquiy. Writing and roleplaying are a big part of my balancing act. Being here, participating in my stories, the friends I make … are all forms of therapy for me and are outlets for certain aspects of my personality.

I wanted to start this off by telling a little about myself. Obviously, I’m an avid roleplayer. In fact, writing and roleplaying are the only things that keep me sane some days. Being able to lose myself in a character, in a story, in its own way fends off the panic attacks that might threaten otherwise. I, myself, don’t have the patience for writing a novel and I crave interaction with others (hence, why bartending was such a good fit), that makes roleplaying the perfect outlet for my creative writing bug.

I’m blessed, too, where roleplaying is concerned. I’ve found so many great friends through this process. And while I’m very careful to keep my online and real lives separate, of my friends online are some of the closest I have ever had. I cherish those friends and what I learn from them, just as I do those I see on a weekly basis.

I’m also a wife, which has always been a rocky road for me. Now, don’t take that as me saying I do not love my husband, because I do. I’m just a fiercely independent woman who likes to make her own decisions and do as she pleases without interference from others. So toning that down for the sake of our marriage, learning to know when to step back and let him have his way, and making the best decisions for our family is something I struggle with on a daily basis.

Struggles, such as that, and the struggles I have with my own personality are what this blog is all about. The relatable things that I think all women have or will deal with at some point in their lives. We all have epic failures on a daily basis; the real measure of a woman is how she recovers from those … how she picks up the pieces and tries to do what is best for those she loves.

I own my own business as well. That business brings on an entirely new bag of headaches and annoyances. It’s is an extremely rewarding thing at times, especially considering I have the ability to be home most of the day to raise my son (and roleplay of course). I also have to deal with a lot of differing personalities, trying to ensure everyone is happy; a breed of family politics (yes, I said family as my business partners are family) that at times is almost unbearable; and a slew of ordinance and licensing issues that makes my very conservative state a pain in the ass to own a business in.

But there is that flip side, the bright side of waking up every morning with an entire day to spend with the sunshine of my life. A little blue eyed boy that reminds me everyday that everything I’ve lost in life was worth it … to have gained him. Being a mother is by far the most rewarding and most difficult thing I struggle with. To step back and look at my faults, his father’s faults, and pray that he doesn’t inherit them is painstakingly painful. But it also helps me strive to be a better woman, a better mother, and a better wife. I want the best for him, for his life and therefore have to live mine to the best of my abilities. I often have to shelve my often times self righteous opinions, my cynicism, and my oftentimes judgmental nature so that he doesn’t grow with such opinions. I want him to be a free thinking, independent, kind, and caring individual that stands up for what he thinks is right. I want for him, what my parents want for me … what all parents want for their children. The question is, can I give it him? I hope so; I know I’m sure as hell going to try.

Balancing all of these things is tiring and tries my patience quite often. But I continue to strive for that balance, to have my cake and eat it too, because even if I fail at it … I’m happy. I’m happy to have what I need, family and friends that love me, and a community online that is gracious and accepting of all the different hats I have to wear. Even if I fall down, even if I fail, I’m still happy.

So in this blog, I hope the reader finds something they can relate to as I stumble down the bumpy road of life.  I’ll post more soon, as I have quite a few ideas share, I’m sure those of you who know me know that I’m never shy about sharing my opinions. I hope that everyone enjoys it and takes a little comfort in knowing that we all flail about while trying to succeed, that’s what this journey is all about. 

[AeonReflux]

Lovely blog post :) Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It seems many of them mirror mine, and it is comforting to see someone put something into words that you did not know anyone else felt.

[lollipop]

Awe ... thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it and can relate to it. That's one of the great things about the internet (and more specifically; Elliquiy) is finding those you can relate to. Best of luck to you on the approval process and thanks for reading! ~hugs~

[lollipop]

Is it fate that I found my first gray hair exactly one week before my thirtieth birthday? I cried for two hours. Not just for the gray hair, but for the birthday as well. I don’t see myself as old nor do I really feel old … but it’s the scariness of entering a new stage in my life. Sure it doesn’t seem different; I’ll be the same place I’m in this week … just with a new batch of numbers. The thirties. I cried when I turned twenty as well, though partly because I was in the hospital by my father’s side while he had heart surgery.

Its scary as shit. I’m becoming my parents in the strangest ways. I still remember them at my age. Or rather, I remember my father’s thirties really well. My Mother handles everything with a certain amount of grace that I barely noticed when she turned fifty or even more recently … sixty. But my father fights tooth and nail to each decade. Getting older terrifies him and in a sense, now, it terrifies me.

I’m exactly where I wanted to be when I turned thirty. Sure I wanted a couple of kids and I only have one. But, I’m not really sure (now that I have the one) that I want more. Which, I think is a good thing. Kiddo satisfies that part of me; he filled that part of my heart. Do I have room in there for another one? I can say, without question, yes. Do I have to have another one to fill some sort of void my son didn’t? No. He’s fantastic, he’s wonderful, and while he drives me crazy … (and this is cheesy as it gets) he completes me. Hubby’s right in there too, making me happy even while driving me crazy.

I have my own business, I have my family, I couldn’t ask for more. And yet, one stupid birthday scares the crap out of me. And not just in a superficial way. I plucked the one scraggly white hair (I’m a blonde, I’ll gray like my father and go straight into the white which isn’t a bad thing) without any thought at all. Then it hit me … if I’m thirty, may parents are either at or getting to sixty.

My brother never even made it this far. I cried at twenty two, as well, I was officially older than he’d ever been. Older than my older brother. Which leads me to thinking about my parents, about them getting older, about what I’d do with out them. That scares me even more than my thirtieth birthday. I don’t want my son to lose them, he loves them so much. And I don’t want to lose them either. The roles are shifting now. I used to call my Dad whenever furniture needed moving. He was strong back, the one who moved fixed and did all the manly stuff.

My husband carried in his new couch, Dad couldn’t lift it that well because of his recent surgery (shoulder/upper back). My Dad, big and strong … had to have my husband move in his furniture. When he needed new breaks? Hubby did it, Dad’s knees hurt to bad to be bending so much. I have to tie my son’s shoes when he leaves with my Mom. She still works so hard that the arthritis acts up in her fingers. When she ties his shoes, they come untied, and he trips and falls.

So I’m getting older. It means they’re getting older. They are now the grandparents and me the parent. It scares me. I still want them to fix things when they go wrong, to do what needs to be done. And yet, more and more, they turn to me to do the fixing and getting things done. I don’t want it to be me. But I’ll do it … I love them, why wouldn’t I do it?

I’m Mommy now. He’s old enough, my son, to start forming memories of me and who I am. Just like I have memories of my Mom and my Dad. He’ll have memories of hubby and I. I knew this was all real, that I was the mother now when kiddo feel and hurt himself the other day. He was spinning around and made himself dizzy. My Mom was here, in the den with him (and me in the kitchen). He got dizzy, fell, and started crying.

Crying for me. To me, he was with the best person imaginable when you’re frightened or hurt. My mother had him, talking in the soothing voice that always made me feel so much better. And still he cried and cried. Why is he crying? She’s the best at this? But he still cried, so I ran in, the moment he hit my arms and I told him it would be okay … he stopped, told me what happened. He wasn’t hurt, just scared from being so dizzy. But still, her words hadn’t worked and mine did. When did that happen? When did it become me?

This is rambling, makes no sense really. But isn’t this what blogs are for? I’m scared about taking over for my parents. I wasn’t even this scared when I took over control of business from my father. I wasn’t this scared when I had kiddo. But turning thirty I’m terrified of being the adult.

I shall embrace as I do everything else. And as with soothing kiddo’s fears the other night, I’ll continue to do what needs to be done. Was this what it was like for my parents? Did my Mom feel this way when she turned thirty? I guess I should ask her … but I know her answer. She’s going to tell me to stop over analyzing and over thinking, that its just another day.

But is it really?

[Aemirys]

So wonderfully written Lolli!

I would like to add some other comments but I'm a little too choked up right now.

Awesome stuff. Keep writing.

[lollipop]

~big hugs~

I'm a little sad that you got choked up. But thank you for the compliment.

[LovelyWinterStorm]

You are such a great writer lollipop 

[lollipop]

Oh, how nice of you to say that! Thank you, very much.

[NGrady]

i admit ur a fantastic writer i hope to see more of ur work soon

[lollipop]

Thank You, NGrady!

[lollipop]

Is a marriage really a partnership? Sometimes I think its more like a competition between my husband and I to see who is right the most often. That annoys me, very much. Especially because I know its as much me as it is him. Yes, he’s much more stubborn than I ever have been. But I know he’s stubborn and yet I still push him to the point of being so stubborn he’s stupid.

Along with stubborn he’s also an old-fashioned southern man. That’s really difficult for some of my online friends to understand. Things down here are done differently. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing or it’s a good thing, it just is. My husband believes that it is his duty to be the breadwinner. No, not his duty to go work and me to play little woman at home. My husband believes (and I support his belief in this instance) that I am the better parent, the better nurturer. Yes, I believe that too. He believes its just because I’m a woman, I let him believe that. Its much easier to let him believe such things than arguing with him (have I mentioned he’s stubborn to the point of stupidity?).

So while I own my own business and I run it, most of the time, I’m not always there. Most of the time I’m here, with kiddo. I’m thankful that I have trust worthy employees that are good at their jobs. I wouldn’t train my core employees for the world. What allows me to stay here and not work shifts myself is hubby’s paycheck. He, quite simply, makes more money than I do.

Or did.

He’s not only stubborn as sin, he’s the most loyal human being I’ve ever met. His boss hit hard times recently and has been unable to pay him. I’m not going to get into specifics other than to say it that enough time has passed with him working for free (because he is, essentially working for free … like a slave) that we’ve depleted our rather meager savings (depleted what was left a rough year thanks to mother nature).

I want him to quit (as he’s had just cause for quite some time now), file unemployment, and look for a job. I have ever faith that he will find one. I also know that while laying off one of my own employees will suck, that I’ll do what I need to do for my family and start pulling shifts again.

He refuses. Both my working all the time and his quitting his job are not options.

He knows I’m right, he knows this is what is best for our family, yet he won’t do it. Why won’t he do it? Because he’s competing with me to be right. At the beginning of all this I told him his boss was failing, that the business would collapse. He informed me that no, it was just a rough time, and that they would pull out of it. Now faced with the reality I was right, he’d rather keep trying to prove me wrong (by staying there) and put us further into a hole we’re barely able to crawl out of.

I’m not sure why our marriage is a competition. Its not supposed to be, it shouldn’t be. And yet each time things aren’t going just fine, it turns into an “I’m right and you’re wrong” competition. There should be no “you” or no “me” in any of it. Us. Us because we’re a family together. I know that, so I back down for the sake of the family. It’s not about being a woman, a wife, or a mother … it’s about being the person who sacrifices for those she loves. I love my husband, my son, and my nephew. I’ll do whatever it takes to ensure my boys are taking care of.

Even if that means competing with my husband instead of working together as we should be doing.

This sounds like a whiny, bitchy diatribe and that was not my intention. My intention was to express my confusion about marriage. I’ve often heard marriage is a lot more difficult than people expect it to be. I’ve hard that you have to survive the bad times together and do what is needed to be done. So, I’m going to do that … because I believe in our family and I believe in our partnership even when he can’t see it.

And I’m going to pray my husband doesn’t cut his nose off just to spite his face.

[horizen]

Is a marriage really a partnership? Sometimes I think its more like a competition between my husband and I to see who is right the most often. That annoys me, very much. Especially because I know its as much me as it is him. Yes, he’s much more stubborn than I ever have been. But I know he’s stubborn and yet I still push him to the point of being so stubborn he’s stupid.

I can relate to that, not because of past relationships with girl friends but because of my parents. Everytime I come back home it is always the same thing, it is like watching a match on the TV. This is why I deeply promised to myself that I WILL NOT behave like that, it worked so far..

The trick? I setup up a voice volume threshold during a conversation and no one is allowed to trespass it. If it is trespassed or if I see that my partner is out of her mind, I automatically shut my f**k up and wait for my partner to do the same. She will indeed stop talking and realize she is acting crazy and then, I resume conversation. It is not easy to hold our thoughts while someone yells at us, you need to be strong and with a great deal of self control but it is worth it because while the partner is out of control you are actually observing her behavior and in most cases you end up realizing something is wrong with her - maybe something went wrong in her day, maybe she is in one of those delicate days. Anyway, most of the times the argument ends up with me asking her why she is mad and if something went wrong? - and hugging her. This is a deal breaker, she instantaneously cries and opens the gates of her soul to myself...

I don't want to compare my girlfriends relationships with your marriage, I just wanted to leave you a word of encouragement..