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Author Topic: Because Hollywood hasn't violated our childhoods enough (Battleship movie)  (Read 6504 times)

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Online TheGlyphstoneTopic starter

It's real. It's horrifingly, terrifyingly real.


Offline Callie Del Noire


Really Hollywood are you soo.... STUPID?

FYI..we don't HAVE battleships anymore. They have all been decomissioned. Blargh.

Online TheGlyphstoneTopic starter

Brain repair cement is in the bucket to your left.

Offline Oniya

I guess someone in the Film Development department saw the Collegehumor trailer for 'Minesweeper: the Movie' and thought it was a good idea.

Edit:  There's even IMDB info on it:
« Last Edit: July 28, 2011, 11:29:51 AM by Oniya »

Offline Xanatos

Its not even the same thing... Its just an alien invasion movie, lol. Callie is right, we don't have battleships anymore. The biggest, none carrier, ship we have is a cruiser.

At least its got hot chicks, cool aliens, and Liam Neeson. -chuckles- Neeson rocks.

Online TheGlyphstoneTopic starter

Oh, and looking at Wikipedia, the entire movie doesn't even happen at sea:

Filming is taking place in the United States on the Hawaiian islands of Maui and Oahu, as well as in Sherman Oaks, California to do a few apartment scenes and in Playa del Rey, California where they will film a driving scene along with a shootout.[10

Why does a movie about BATTLESHIP need a SHOOTOUT?

Though it's amusing that James Cameron, of all people, is criticizing it for being an example of bad storytelling and lack of originality in movies:
“We have a story crisis. Now they want to make the Battleship game into a film. This is pure desperation. Everyone in Hollywood knows how important it is that a film is a brand before it hit theaters. If a brand has been around, Harry Potter for example, or Spider-Man, you are light years ahead. And there lies the problem. Because unfortunately these franchises are become more ridiculous. Battleship. This degrades the cinema.”

Offline Oniya

I say they do Connect 4 next.  ;D

Offline Xanatos

There is no such thing as originality, so you can't hold that against Cameron. Avatar made over 2 billion dollars while still in theaters, so you can't hold his lack of a creative storytelling against him either. Its obvious Cameron knows what he is doing because his movies sell. Titanic and Avatar the two highest grossing modern movies in history, all directed by Cameron. He's obviously doing things right. He certainly has made himself and whatever companies he's worked for, filthy rich.

Online TheGlyphstoneTopic starter

Settlers of Catan
Spoiler: Click to Show/Hide
*Serene Music Starts Playing*

A line of people in grubby peasant clothing with a few covered wagons and donkeys heavily laden with supplies are marching along a dirt trail tinted an eerie red that runs through scenic grasslands with a thick forest off in the distance.

They reach a crossroads, and up ahead of them in a massive clearing with a beautiful river running alongside. The leader of the pilgrimage smiles and turns to a young man standing next to him. "Son...take a good long look. This is the site of our new settlement...and our new life."

*The scene changes to the inside of a household, the music starts to become more dramatic*

The old man is sitting at a table with his face in his hands. His son walks in with a grim look on his face. "How long can we go on like this, pa? We haven't harvested any lumber in going on three turns now. How are we going to eat?"

His father snaps at him "What do you expect me to do?! You know what's out there..." the two glance sidelong out the window, and in the distance, an indistinct shadow with glowing red eyes flickers out of view into the forest. "...the Robber."

*The scene changes to the old man in a rocking chair with a bottle of spirits in his hand, and the music becomes a little more sad*

The man's wife walks in. "This can't go on. Robber or no, the world won't wait for us. I heard from the tradesman that came into town today...Lord Blueregarde has this insane notion of the World's Longest Road. If we don't try to expand now, we might end up trapped on all sides."

The man rasps weakly at her. "Haven't I done enough? I built us a settlement...I got us a victory point."

His wife's face becomes pained and a little angry. "Maybe one victory point isn't enough for me anymore..."

*The scene changes again to the old man standing in an office across from an overweight man in a gaudy all-blue suit*

The old man is holding a few broken pieces of lumber. "I never imagined I'd be in this position but..." The man in blue raises an eyebrow inquisitively. "...I have wood for your sheep." The man's mouth twists into a wicked smile.

*The music dies completely, with the only sound being the faint groaning of sheep and the chirp of crickets in the twilight, as the old man is standing on the edge of a cliff overlooking his town, with only his silhouette visible, along with a few wandering sheep*

Another figure walks up behind the old man. A voice is heard at almost a whisper. "Quite a solid resource lead you have here. I take it the negotiations went well." The old man's voice comes in desperate tones. "Resource lead? Sheep! All I have is sheep. How do you expect me to win like this?"

"Mr. Reddison...I believe its time you took the fight to Blueregarde. Have you ever heard of...Development Cards?"

*Action music blasts back into being as a swift montage of clips fly past of buildings exploding into existence from out of the ground and legions of Knights riding in formation across the landscape with brilliant red banners*

Words appear on screen as everything fades to black. "No matter how fierce the competition. Never Settle for less."

Coming this summer. Settlers of Catan: The Movie.

Spoiler: Click to Show/Hide
"Citizens of New Chicorkland.

"You recognize my voice. You knew me as the billionaire Matthias Jengen, overseer of the city's latest high-rise skyscraper...a skyscraper whose purpose I had kept secret until this very moment."

Zooms in slowly on skyscraper.

"Because this skyscraper's purpose was not a commercial secret."

Zooms in on girder.

"It was a practical necessity."

Zoom inside girder to find...rigged explosives.


Panicking people.

"I have rigged a single girder with sensitive sub-nuclear devices. If this girder is jostled, or falls because its supports are removed, it will explode and kill thousands. There is no way to stop this detonation from occurring within two hours."

People looking up at a monitor attached to the skyscraper.

"This is your punishment. Accept it with dignity."

This summer...

A crew of ethnically diverse people walking into a helicopter.

"Our mission is simple, gentlemen...lady. We need to find that girder before it's too late."

"But how will we know which it is?"

"We won't. We have to keep pulling them out and investigating."

"But...what if we collapse the structure?"

Blackout. Cut to worried looking man staring at monitor.

"Then god help us all."


A man with a short dark haircut pilots a helicopter between two support beams, snagging a girder clean away with a grapnel.


A woman leaps from girder to girder in slow motion.


A man dangles upside down from one girder, reaching down towards the next.


A man's cable comes loose, sending him pitching backwards.

It's all you can do...

The short-haired man and the woman embrace.

To keep things together.


"Here goes nothing."

« Last Edit: July 28, 2011, 01:03:02 PM by TheGlyphstone »

Offline Oniya

* Oniya is very glad to have finished her tea before clicking the spoilers.

Offline Anjasa

I say they do Connect 4 next.  ;D

Yes! An epic saga!

Offline RubySlippers

Looks fun actually, but couldn't they do a live action Robotech Trilogy now that would be worth watching if done really well.

Offline Callie Del Noire

Looks fun actually, but couldn't they do a live action Robotech Trilogy now that would be worth watching if done really well.

I don't know..anything that might let Carl Macek to reappear might NOT be good.
« Last Edit: July 30, 2011, 02:34:54 PM by Callie Del Noire »

Offline NotoriusBEN

eff Battleship, I want Pandemic,
Space Alert, or heck, let's go for broke and get a movie of Chaos in the Old World at least there is an awesome story behind the last one.

edit** just remembered... Seth Greene is working on a boardgame movie too
« Last Edit: July 30, 2011, 05:37:34 AM by NotoriusBEN »

Offline Kunoichi

I'd rather see a Talisman movie, myself.

Though, given how the game is set up, it'd probably be pretty easy to make it actually be good...  Heck, they could even stretch it out into a trilogy. ^^

Offline Callie Del Noire

Offline Major Major

[deadpan]"They sank our battleship."[/deadpan]

Offline Oniya

Yeah, kind of waiting for that.

Offline Brandon

Can you say Cash grab?

Offline Envious

It looks fun.

Offline dana eleanor

Why the hell would people make a movie about a board game or an arcade game? It's absolutely stupid. Hollywood needs to learn limits.

Offline Oniya

I actually enjoyed the first 'Mortal Kombat' movie, and 'Clue' was rather fun as well (of course, Tim Curry will do that).  Oh, and 'Chess', the musical, is still one of my favorites.  ;D

Offline Brandon

Why the hell would people make a movie about a board game or an arcade game? It's absolutely stupid. Hollywood needs to learn limits.

They made a multibillion dollar success out of a theme park ride when they made Pirates of the caribean.

Hollywood has no respect for anyones work. Did you know theres talk of an HD remake for the great gastby? Yeah theyre that desperate to make money

Offline dana eleanor

Of course they did. That movie is amazing. I haven't been on the new ride yet, so I'll have to go. I can't stand when they do movies on a game that isn't even that fun.

Offline Fieryone

Ok, that trailer didn't have any right to be as cool as it was, damn it Ilam why do you make movies awesome?

I may just have to see this travesty in theaters.