Hmmm, two weeks since my last post...well since my last blog post anyways, but definitely not that long since my last post on E. (Good thing >.>)
But in that time I've been doing some thinking and I'd like to say there's been quite the drastic change. The previous blog I put up was quite...well a downer to be honest, it was a horrible day, and I just wasn't doing well at all. Still it was necessary I do believe, and it's been kind of important in a series of events that have happened day by day since then. I by no means am out of the forest yet, but least I've had the self-respect enough to light a damn torch and start walking down a damn path instead of bemoaning my life and stumbling around in the dark.
Blech, completely not my style at all.
Of course, I deeply appreciate those who spoke up in my last blog post and offered their aid in the forms that they did. It was wonderful to know that people really wanted to reach out to me and it reaffirms my deep down belief that people really do care, they just have to be given a chance. People are good and so is life, well most of the time anyways.
In any case, I've been doing some thinking, some good thinking at that! ('bout time eh?
) And really after that last post of mine, I brooded a bit about my predicament, I won't lie about that, but I wasn't too surprised about it. What got me was that I finally reached out and talked to my grandmother about it, someone I haven't reached out to in quite sometime, for various reasons even I can't explain. It was lovely to do so again because she's such an incredibly wise and loving woman, though by no means soft, she's quite the fireball when she wants to be. (Can you see why I love her? Ha ha.) Yet in talking to her I fully seen my problem, I really really
seen what my whole last few years had done to me, all the bad decisions, mistakes, paths I took, all of it, I really started to see it in a different light.
I really got to see what I've been like these past few years, looking at all that pain that other brought on me and the kind I brought on myself and how much of myself I've lost over the course of all of this and really, it would be enough to depress you when I really think about it. Instead I smile, because I'm starting to notice parts of myself are flaring back into life, some of the important parts for the healing process I do believe. The parts of the real me that are looking at this reality and going, "hmmm, well that is in fact a problem, but meh. Fuck it, we got this shit, no biggie for us yo. Let's fix this shit, hold on to your panties ladies and grip your seats, the ride will be bumpy, but you'll love it the whole way, or not, whatever."
See why I love having it back?
Sure there's a lot of work to do, and I have many more things ahead of me to work through, both in my life problems and those problems that exist in heart and mind. But that little part of me that's leaked back into me doesn't give a flaming shit how hard it is, I'm too damn stubborn with that back to really be bothered by it in the long run. That and now that I've lost it once before, I refuse to lose it again.
So I guess, here's to me being awesome again
Ok, well not completely awesome but ever since it started leaking back in, I get more and more determined, and I start noticing other things. Like I'm being more sunny more often, my mood is picking up and I'm looking at things through considerably brighter specs. I'm actually getting my desire for sex back, which is both a good and bad thing -laughs- and at the same time I'm getting hints that perhaps sometime in the future once I situate myself some more, perhaps some casual dating might be viable. (Now there's a step) Of course the downside to all of this is the fact that with the reemergence of the different parts of me, my patience and temper is starting to leak back in, but I know I can remember how to get ahold of that again.
God, or whatever, I feel....-snorts- Different.
So here's to getting better, feeling better and saying to the world and all the bad shit that gets us down, the finger and moving on with our lives. To fire, to passion, to being a freak and loving every bit of this crazy, fucked up, painful, loving, beautiful, messed up life.
And here's to sticking to your guns and rising above it all.