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Author Topic: Note From The Demon ~ Personal Reckoning AKA Facing Inner Demons  (Read 1822 times)

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Offline BraiochTopic starter

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I seem to find myself thinking a lot about the past lately it seems, or at least a specific part of my past anyways.

Interesting how something that shouldn't be that big of a deal can seep it's little tendrils into the oddest parts of your life and mind until eventually it's gorged itself so completely it's just about impossible to ignore it. I suppose really it could have reached the point where the rotten smell of that memory and the shadows (sometimes more than shadows many of the times) of the emotions of that time would have risen up making it undeniable. Instead I think that recent events in my life have pretty much insured I look at my life and that point and time in my life. We all have times when we look back on the biggest things that have affected us in the past and it seems it's my time to do so now, events throwing the frail and once efficient cellar door out of the way and letting the rot and filth slip out.

Morbid? Oh yes.
Truthful? Again, yes.

Such a silly thing, a 'relationship' of sorts, I involved with a taken man whom was in a codependent, tumultuous and often times violent relationship. Caught in a storm that was not of my creation, nor did I do a whole lot to really calm it. Instead I threw myself headlong, heart first, into this storm, hoping...confident really, that I would emerge the victor, the man of my dreams beside me and I all the better for it.


A year and half, give or take a handful of months. Time spent in a bizzare and twisted mix of agony and of love and hope. Time spent fighting for a love I would never have, and a love I never should have come near for both practical and moral reasons. Days in anxiety...a time I cannot even begin to describe, constantly fretting, worrying, thinking of little else. Nights spent in agony, sorrow realized in racking tears, other bad memories dragged to the forefront as if to align with the negative present to show that even the demons of the past are not so quiet as I had long since thought.

And so...I spiralled out of control, as people trapped in a corner by themselves and circumstance are so apt to do.

Working at a bar made drinking constantly so easy, going out and about with people I had no business being with, at places that weren't for me, doing things that can only make me shake my head at my continued foolishness. Alcohol not being enough, I discovered drugs and how much 'fun' they could be. So began the 5 to 6 month binge filled with tweaking, chattering and money poured into bags upon bags and then even that wasn't enough. Pain couldn't be denied, whether through alcohol, sex or drugs, my circumstances were too much, past and present were forming to be too strong and the future was starting in as well, a whisper in the ear in the dead of night of the bleakness that was my future.

I would have nothing, I would be nothing.

And so the pain had to be realized and so it began, days filled with pain became a razor across the flesh, a new scar for a new memories, stupid thing really. Although it wouldn't be until that razor dragged across a wrist finally that I would be shaken.


I woke up that day, at least enough to start to shake myself from the pattern, the drugs long behind me, the drinking already petering off, it was the bleeding I had to stop, both inside and the kind I was bringing to life on the outside. I walked for a time, feeling alone and alien, but most importantly, I was awake, I was aware and watching. It didn't stop the pain or the sorrow, which was increased by me mourning for myself, for what I had done to myself, of what I had forced myself to become.

A hot fucking mess.

And then a new brilliant thing happened, I knew hate.

I tasted it, devoured it as much as it devoured me. Fed and breathed it, everyday I awoke I felt the hate, not inward, but outward, at him, at life, at him...and at him. It was he, I burned with it like some poisonous fill in for the blood, air, water and food that I needed, I thrived on hate. Despising and reveling in it, and it was good, it was fantastic and liberating. For in my hate, in my passion, I was free and I was alive.


Though one cannot live on hate alone and even that died out, the fire died out and I returned to no longer hating him, but the pain was gone as well, the sorrow, the need, the desire.

Which I thought was the end, but oh how I was wrong.

A recent problem has come up, the answer to this problem cropped up more recently than the problem. (which I noticed months ago) There was something fundamentally wrong with me now, something was off, very off and on some level I knew what the problem was, what it's name and function were, I couldn't draw it up. And recently I came to the answer, the name and function of my problem.

I've lost my fire.

Sure I still will fight someone when drawn into it, stand for what I believe and even get angry, but the fire is all but a shadow of what it was. Two years past and I've lost my fire almost completely.

I do not crave love or acceptance, only a faint bitterness when I do not receive it.
I do not feel driven or pushed, I have lost all desire to do much of anything.
I do not feel affection easily, the exception for the most part has been my grandmother and because of recent examples I have had the fount widened for my mother and best friend for the wretched things they're enduring right now.
Worst of all, I do not want, I do not desire, I do not need.
It is not peace, it is not acceptance, it is apathy.

Something I do not give much of a thought has impacted me so deeply, these changes coming slowly and sometimes swiftly but covertly making it's way into my life. A funny thing in a twisted and black sense of humor kind of way that I've been changed. I wish I had a divine and providential means to seek salvation, that I had an epiphany to save myself from this odd state I have slipped so easily into, being locked away with a cold indifference.

I suppose I'm just being existential and morose, but I felt it necessary to share it, to find some form of liberation or even some therapy to it. I'm not sure if it's worked, but it's out, it's out there and for you all to see it and I wonder if I'm any better...or worse for it...

~Braioch~

Offline grdell

Re: Note From The Demon ~ Personal Reckoning AKA Facing Inner Demons
« Reply #1 on: July 09, 2011, 08:10:33 PM »
You were so keen to include music videos, so I shall do the same:

Fantasia 2000 - finale

This apathy, like the love and the pain and the hate, shall pass. I won't promise you that you will love again - I am in too much pain and apathy myself right now to believe that - but in spite of everything I am going through myself, I still believe that even this is only temporary.

Watch. Listen. Be inspired. Believe.

You'll be all right.

Offline GothicFires

Re: Note From The Demon ~ Personal Reckoning AKA Facing Inner Demons
« Reply #2 on: July 09, 2011, 08:22:43 PM »
I've lost my fire.

Sure I still will fight someone when drawn into it, stand for what I believe and even get angry, but the fire is all but a shadow of what it was. Two years past and I've lost my fire almost completely.

I do not crave love or acceptance, only a faint bitterness when I do not receive it.
I do not feel driven or pushed, I have lost all desire to do much of anything.
I do not feel affection easily, the exception for the most part has been my grandmother and because of recent examples I have had the fount widened for my mother and best friend for the wretched things they're enduring right now.
Worst of all, I do not want, I do not desire, I do not need.
It is not peace, it is not acceptance, it is apathy.

Something I do not give much of a thought has impacted me so deeply, these changes coming slowly and sometimes swiftly but covertly making it's way into my life. A funny thing in a twisted and black sense of humor kind of way that I've been changed. I wish I had a divine and providential means to seek salvation, that I had an epiphany to save myself from this odd state I have slipped so easily into, being locked away with a cold indifference.

I suppose I'm just being existential and morose, but I felt it necessary to share it, to find some form of liberation or even some therapy to it. I'm not sure if it's worked, but it's out, it's out there and for you all to see it and I wonder if I'm any better...or worse for it...

~Braioch~

I commend you on trying to figure things out and improve upon your self and your mistakes. Though our circumstances are not even remotely similar I spent nearly 30 years to find my peace. I have confidence you can find yours.

What you are describing here is a form of depression. I cannot tell you a method to make it better but I can tell you that you need to love yourself wholly and completely so that the love and friendship of others are an addition to your life. It wasn't an instant transition for me. I had been depressed since the age of six. Didn't even know what depression was until I was 18. Saw a man smile with his eyes when I was 26 and decided I wanted to be able to do that. Took me half a year to figure out what I needed to be happy and then into my 30s where even my occasional snags of depression were almost non existent.

The only advise give you with certainty is don't dwell. If you find yourself thinking about something painful that you have already resolved then redirect your thinking to something else. I have to do this all the time because I am one to dwell even on stuff that happened to me when I was a child. It is human to make mistakes but a person who looks to improve themselves after the mistakes is a person worth knowing. A person who can share their vulnerabilities is a person worth knowing.

Decide what you want your life to be and make it happen, even if it is as something as your smiles touching your eyes. You must be your own salvation and I believe you have it in you to do so.

Sorry if this rambled a bit. But I hope it helps.

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Re: Note From The Demon ~ Personal Reckoning AKA Facing Inner Demons
« Reply #3 on: July 09, 2011, 08:38:22 PM »
It's probably only by virtue of the fact that I'm standing outside it that I can see this.  You're grieving.  Maybe not for the person, or even for the particular relationship, but for the could-have-been.  I'm not going to tell you to try to break out of it, because it's something that has to happen on its own - everyone grieves differently and at different rates.  I can tell you that it will get better, but I can't tell you when, simply because I'm not you.  Perhaps the upturn has already started by the catharsis of writing all that you have.

*hugs*

Offline BraiochTopic starter

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Re: Note From The Demon ~ Personal Reckoning AKA Facing Inner Demons
« Reply #4 on: July 10, 2011, 07:53:24 AM »
You were so keen to include music videos, so I shall do the same:

Fantasia 2000 - finale

This apathy, like the love and the pain and the hate, shall pass. I won't promise you that you will love again - I am in too much pain and apathy myself right now to believe that - but in spite of everything I am going through myself, I still believe that even this is only temporary.

Watch. Listen. Be inspired. Believe.

You'll be all right.

Mmm, I do love that song, I'm surprised it slipped my mind to have in my music list, but then again that always happens because I like a lot of different things. ::)

Oh but thank you, I'm pushing through, the thoughts were just pushing through my brain a bit too much and I've decided I needed to start sharing things with people. That which I shared on here was more than I shared with other people. The people in my life can piece it together, but there's a difference I think between knowing from what you can piece together, and from actually hearing it and I think it would be too difficult to put it to words for them.

Oh and feel free to message me if you're ever having a bad day, I know what those are like.

I can pretty much also tell you if I get that old flame of mine back, I will eventually fall in love :P it's only inevitable for that state of me.

And since you were so kind as to share a song, I'll give you one that always makes me feel better ;D

Let's Go Fly a Kite Sing-Along

I commend you on trying to figure things out and improve upon your self and your mistakes. Though our circumstances are not even remotely similar I spent nearly 30 years to find my peace. I have confidence you can find yours.

What you are describing here is a form of depression. I cannot tell you a method to make it better but I can tell you that you need to love yourself wholly and completely so that the love and friendship of others are an addition to your life. It wasn't an instant transition for me. I had been depressed since the age of six. Didn't even know what depression was until I was 18. Saw a man smile with his eyes when I was 26 and decided I wanted to be able to do that. Took me half a year to figure out what I needed to be happy and then into my 30s where even my occasional snags of depression were almost non existent.

The only advise give you with certainty is don't dwell. If you find yourself thinking about something painful that you have already resolved then redirect your thinking to something else. I have to do this all the time because I am one to dwell even on stuff that happened to me when I was a child. It is human to make mistakes but a person who looks to improve themselves after the mistakes is a person worth knowing. A person who can share their vulnerabilities is a person worth knowing.

Decide what you want your life to be and make it happen, even if it is as something as your smiles touching your eyes. You must be your own salvation and I believe you have it in you to do so.

Sorry if this rambled a bit. But I hope it helps.

Depressed?

Hmm, I don't know about that one, I've been depressed before, a couple of times before...actually depressed for the record not that teenage 'hip' shit that people like to pull. -grumbles- But this feels nothing like the depression I was going through before, and if it is, it's far more insidious than the other kinds were. :P

That'd be my luck wouldn't it? xD

I usually don't dwell, but every now and then I have a bad day and I start that wretched thinking thing and it drags me down. And I think maybe putting it to words helped a little bit, though the rest of the day was still shitty, today is considerably better. Then again that might have been that I started the day with eggs, french toast and coffee....probably that ::)

But thank you, and I'm incredibly glad that you've managed to find your way out of the dark part of your life ^_^

It's probably only by virtue of the fact that I'm standing outside it that I can see this.  You're grieving.  Maybe not for the person, or even for the particular relationship, but for the could-have-been.  I'm not going to tell you to try to break out of it, because it's something that has to happen on its own - everyone grieves differently and at different rates.  I can tell you that it will get better, but I can't tell you when, simply because I'm not you.  Perhaps the upturn has already started by the catharsis of writing all that you have.

*hugs*

Don't I wish it was as lucky as writing it all out eh?

-laughs-

But you present an interesting idea there, grieving and I won't dismiss it as it struck an interesting chord when I read it. Hard to make me stop like those words did right there and I've been pondering them since I read them last night and I think perhaps you're onto something there.

Interesting.....

Maybe being aware of it will help in it's own regard ne?

-chuckles-

Ahh well, seeing as the mood I'm in today it's so hard to believe I was as bad off as I was yesterday. Yesterday was soooo not who I am, and today? Much more of the Braioch that I normally am ;D Who knows? Maybe it did help me a bit after all, or maybe I've just gone back to my good times waiting for the bad day to rear it's head again.

-shrug-

I guess we'll see, but I think I'll take advantage of the good days I get, after all the bad days rarely last more than one day and the good ones last for several days at a time :P So here's to taking advantage of the good days, which is easy, good days are SUCH little hussies. ^-^

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Re: Note From The Demon ~ Personal Reckoning AKA Facing Inner Demons
« Reply #5 on: July 10, 2011, 11:12:14 AM »
Don't I wish it was as lucky as writing it all out eh?

-laughs-

But you present an interesting idea there, grieving and I won't dismiss it as it struck an interesting chord when I read it. Hard to make me stop like those words did right there and I've been pondering them since I read them last night and I think perhaps you're onto something there.

Interesting.....

Maybe being aware of it will help in it's own regard ne?

-chuckles-

Ahh well, seeing as the mood I'm in today it's so hard to believe I was as bad off as I was yesterday. Yesterday was soooo not who I am, and today? Much more of the Braioch that I normally am ;D Who knows? Maybe it did help me a bit after all, or maybe I've just gone back to my good times waiting for the bad day to rear it's head again.

-shrug-

I guess we'll see, but I think I'll take advantage of the good days I get, after all the bad days rarely last more than one day and the good ones last for several days at a time :P So here's to taking advantage of the good days, which is easy, good days are SUCH little hussies. ^-^

*smiles*  I wasn't actually suggesting that the act of writing it out would be some kind of magic U-turn.  It's more like you stopped and took a look around in a dimly lit place instead of either charging around blindly or just sitting in the dark.  I do think that you're past the 'charging around blindly' part of it, though.  You might go back to 'sitting' for a bit, and that's fine.  Wander about when you feel up to it - there's a door there somewhere, or maybe some fireflies.