I recently came to this little flash, a revelation of sorts that was probably a long time coming. Another stepping stone on the road to maturity.
But I'll back up a couple of years.
Braioch works at a bar, starts liking and then really liking and then falling in love with a coworker. Oh wait, this coworker, we'll say Jason is his name, has a boyfriend who we'll call Daimon. Funny thing about their relationship, it's rocky beyond belief, fights both verbal and physical happens and dear old Braioch is crazy about the oh so wonderful and never wrong Jason. Head over heels, lost in love and losing his mind with stress, why oh why can't Jason see that dear old Braioch is perfect for him?
Oh the same old story and how I justified playing the other woman, you never lie quite as well as when you lie to yourself of course.
In any case, it all fell apart (thankfully >.>) and neither of us got what we wanted...whatever it is that Jason wanted in the first place anyways. (Still haven't had a clear epiphany on that one, just really dark suspicions that are sound
) But he left Daimon, and I was left with my broken and shattered little heart. Turning into myself emotionally and becoming a bit of hermit except to work.
Really, Shakespeare had nothing on my life for awhile there, it was that
In any case, I remember one of my first relevations was that dear lord I could hate him, not Daimon, lord knows he and I H.A.T.E.D.
one another with a fiery (and understandable) passion, but that I could absolutely with no fear or guilt, hate Jason. I was inflamed, I was furious and indignant, I was...well, actually alive and also, more importantly, I was bloody well free.
The Sith had something right, my passion really did give me strength, which gave me power, which was a win for me and the chains I had placed on myself in his name were broken.
I can't describe the utter freedom that came with finally being able to hate him, hate him for everything that he'd done to me, and that which he hadn't done for me. It was liberating, but a bit bittersweet, because inevitably I had to face that I too was responsible for it all and the freedom was soured a bit.
Still that was just one of the revelations I've had over the past couple years, the one I'm addressing here is the fact that this past Christmas, I was at a party and just so happened to run into (a bit of a drunk) Daimon. Now obviously my anger for him was passed, and for the most part I dismissed him out of sheer habit, and we tended to ignore each other on principle as it was. But this was the first time in over a year we were faced with one another and to my utter (completely utter, seriously, hard to do) shock, shook my hand and did the 'guy apology,' (you know what I mean, apologizing without actually apologizing, while I did the same back xD) but nevertheless we did it.
I didn't give it much thought, as a matter of fact I was an ass hat and callously dismissed what had occurred and proceeded to try to end the night leading into Christmas day at this party by decking someones halls while someone else attended to my boughs of holly. Ahh Christmas, that kinky time of year for attempted threesomes in a semi-crowded room at a private home.
-snorts and shakes head-
My drunken and uninhibited shenanigans aside, what happened that night was far more important than I had originally given it credit for, and now, 6 months later, it's finally hit me.
His gesture was so simple and so utterly necessary, because it sealed everything up with that one little gesture. An acknowledgement that we both forgave one another and wanted the other to know. That in the end, there was no hard feelings, that just maybe...that precious human connection hadn't been lost over something as asinine as a douchebag we had both loved. That yes we'd loved the same man, fought for and with the same man, it was done, it was over, and our company would no longer grate on the others and we could be normal humans again.
I had learned to hate someone I thought impossible to do so on.
I had learned to forgive someone whom I had never loved or liked at all, even when my hatred made me think I would never be able to.
I had learned to forgive myself for the stupid, selfish and utterly human actions that I had taken.
Dear god folks, I think I grew up a bit...hell, a lot.
I smile, despite the shitty things going on in my life currently, (long and sequenced story) because I walked away from all of that shit learning something vital and important, something that I can take with me and show to others when they're in need of it.
I learned stuff!