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Author Topic: Untitled Project  (Read 1404 times)

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Offline jaimeyTopic starter

Untitled Project
« on: April 28, 2011, 10:27:43 PM »
So, this is just a short excerpt from an ongoing story I've been working on regarding a man going through therapy after he and his fiancée break up. His therapist advises him to begin taking down his memories and dreams in hopes to better ascertain how to help him. This excerpt is taken from his first entry into the dream journal:

* * *
She’s in the car with me. It’s dark outside, my headlights bouncing off falling snowflakes. A song plays on the radio, soft, almost forgotten. She’s not saying anything. She’s doing it on purpose. I can’t keep from staring at her through the corner of my eye, though. She’s so beautiful… always so beautiful. I wish I could touch her, I just wish she’d let me reach out and caress her face.

   She keeps fading in and out, like bad reception. Sometimes, she looks as though she’s blurring out, an image held too close to the face or marred by spilled watercolor. The song continues, the cold seeps in through the windshield. She wraps her arms around herself and speaks for the first time in what seems like ages.

   “Could you turn the heat on?” she asks, a faint accent. She says it, not too loudly, and goes back to her corner. I hesitate for a moment, just looking at the cascade of gold adorning her head. God, she’s just so beautiful.

   “Sure.” My voice sounds like it’s coming from a tunnel. I ache as I hear it. I should have said more, I should say more. But deep down, I just know it won’t do any good. She hasn’t heard me in months, there’s no point to my words now. I try to concentrate on the road. Her breathing distracts me. A sigh, soft, subtle, but sharp like a dagger. She’s unhappy. It won’t be long now. I haven’t got much time left.

   She fades out completely, and I’m driving alone again. The snow’s still there. The song, it’s still playing. I can see a tear leak out the corner of my eye through the rearview mirror. I never did get a proper goodbye from her. She just disappeared. I can still hear her sigh. I let go of the wheel for a moment. The car drives itself around a corner. I’m left with a stolen melody and a whisper of loneliness.

* * *

Offline ELizzyK

Re: Untitled Project
« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2011, 10:28:53 PM »
Oh wow, I love this!  It's so well written (and I swear I'm not just saying that).  It's achingly sad and sweet.

Offline jaimeyTopic starter

Re: Untitled Project
« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2011, 11:11:36 PM »
Well, thank you, ELizzyK. I really like playing with emotion reflected in characters and tone. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Offline ELizzyK

Re: Untitled Project
« Reply #3 on: April 29, 2011, 11:22:18 PM »
You're quite welcome.  =D  It definitely shows.  I very much look forward to your future writings.

Offline John Davis

Re: Untitled Project
« Reply #4 on: May 21, 2011, 08:27:09 AM »
Really good Jaimey...
Wish I could see the rest of the story!

Offline Belle33

Re: Untitled Project
« Reply #5 on: May 21, 2011, 07:49:27 PM »
This is a wonderful piece of work.  You've done a great job of conveying how it might feel in those moments just before you know you've loss someone.  Beautifully done.  :)

Offline jaimeyTopic starter

Re: Untitled Project
« Reply #6 on: May 22, 2011, 09:52:18 PM »
Thank you both for those kind words. I'm really glad you found something you liked there.