“Hi, I am Captain Niminirod……Hi I am Captain. THE Captain.” Said Captain Nimi Niminirod looking at his reflection in the window with a huge scowl on his face.
Turning slightly to his right he changed the scowl to a winsome smile and said in a deep voice to his reflection. “Hi…..I am the captain…. Of which ship?” he says throwing back one of the few remaining strands of hair from his head. “Well it’s the Dwarf. The last of the Dwarfs.” Now this was actually rather unsatisfactory to the Captain as he looked out at the most splendid of ships docked at the largest space station known to well….man, horse or guinea pig.
Returning to his usual nasally voice which to be honest Commander “Chunks” Tebitt preferred, the captain gestured to the great hulk of a ship. “Isn’t it magnificent Tebitt? What a most delightful piece of metal. What colour did we give it in the end? The……Something Dwarf? Come on Tebitt” he said to his second in charge who was hovering as ever a few steps behind the captain just in case he….. well…….. I will tell you later.
Before answering Tebitt cleared his throat before answering the question for the fifth time since they had stood here looking out at the newest and more than likely the last “Dwarf.”
“We haven’t given it a colour yet sir. All the other colours have been taken.” Tebitt replied.
“Not given it a colour? But that’s absurd. How about mauve?” The captain attempted at succeeding where the greatest minds had failed.
“Taken years ago. One of the first colours to have gone actually.”
“Oh.” The captain said slightly deflated.
“Does it have to be a colour? I mean theres more to a ship than colour” The captain said…..
“Errrrrr. Well.” Said Tebitt a little flummoxed.
“Excellent. So. We have a Dwarf style ship which is bigger. Redder and newer. How about the bigger redder Dwarf?”
“Ah.” Tebitt did not want to let the captain run away with this conversation. “Its actually pinker. Do you remember the Pink Dwarf? Well the visible light spectrum of the ship in front of us probably has a wavelength interval of 628nm and a frequency interval of 480Thz.”
“That’s sorted it then. The ship before you is the Bigger Pinker Dwarf. The BPD if you will” Captain Nimi Niminirod did a bow and a flourish.
Captain Nimi Niminirod was the last of the captains. The bravest and the most courageous. He was in fact the only captain up to the task of Captaining the last of the Dwarfs. He was literally the only captain WILLING to do it. You see somewhere there is a great big room where someone has hidden all of the previous Dwarfs because none of them have been seen for a while. And some a long while. And no captain in their right mind would ever captain a Dwarf again until they had proof that the whole mission was not suicide. But then Captain Nimi Niminirod was not exactly in his right mind.
Captain Nimi Niminirod was the guest of honour as he and his command team said goodbye local dignitaries and the cowards that had let Nimi Niminirod rise above others more qualified to Captain “The last of the Dwarfs”. Nimi Niminirod was in his element as people shook his hand tightly, fed him and got him drunk as if they were never going to see him again. “Hi I am Captain Nimi Niminirod of the Bigger Pinker Dwarf…….That’s right…..!”
Meanwhile “Chunks” was looking out of the window and saw the long row of people being checked at the gates and then lead towards shuttles leading to the Bigger Pinker Dwarf.
Chunks had been top of his class and had passed the Space Corps exams with flying colours and had actually been the first to apply for the job of captain. He was however passed over because *ahem* well *ahem* he was rather fat and ugly. Space Corps did not want their captains to be un-attractive because it never looked very good on the Holo-Media. Chunks did not mind as he hoped that he would be able to ensure that this Mission did not finish in failure.
The queues were moving slowly as each person in the queue was checked, verified, validated, interrogated and scrutinised by irritating people who enjoyed their job. The queue was full of the worst kind of people for an important space mission. Who wanted to crew a ship on a mission which had failed a record number of times?
The drug-addicts, the fame hungry, the convicts, the stupid and pitiful all queued up to become crew on the Bigger Pinker Dwarf. And the Space Corps were encouraged to take as many of them as possible!
We shall focus on one of the queues leading to Star Buggy, one of the shuttles carrying crew accepted onto the Main Ship. Ensign Smith was in charge of this queue and he really loved his job and almost dribbled as he looked back down line at all the losers and wasters hoping to get on board and he had the power to stop them. The room was loud and claustrophobic and it felt literally just like how sardines would feel if they were trapped in a tin only marginally more wet and smelly. The Starbug stood on the other side of the Desk waiting to carry the accepted crew to the Bigger Pinker Dwarf.
He saw the paperwork being plonked in front of him, spun it round and began to tick boxes and without looking up said for the 450th time that day.
“Name, rank, height, weight, hair colour, unusual markings or appearance….” a quick breath to plonk a mint in his mouth, “…..and why do you want to join the crew and why should I let you on today?”