As much as I'm grateful for the memories I was talking about in the first post.. There are some I would readily shed if I could
Today has been a mess emotionally.. Upswings and Downswings and sharp turns and spirals.. I hate that I can go from being so happy... to so miserable in just a handful of moments. And today, it's all hung up in a memory.
Have you ever cheapened yourself? That's what I feel like I've done. Not anytime recently either. It ties into my enjoyment of humiliation as an aspect of BDSM play, but everyone has boundaries. Captain Maltese talked about it in his blog, that humiliation must be exercised with great caution.
This memory, these memories... Of this particular Dom.. Looking back on them is like coming out of a fog, because at the time I was convinced everything was as it should be, but looking back... It wasn't. Not at all. I gave someone the power to humiliate me by caring about their opinion, and we sank into it in scenes.. Deeply. And I enjoyed it at the moment, during the scenes, but there was so much emphasis on that aspect of our relationship.. So much focus.. It bled out of our play sessions and into my daily involvement with him, each day growing a little stronger in its influence, until that was all I became. I lost my sense of my self. I didn't even know it at the time, but looking back, things were so dark I couldn't tell what I was missing.
I was a toy and a tool, but not a person at all, and worse.. He didn't even value me, he just used me. Did he enjoy it? Of course. But the words and the feelings he used... They hurt me more deeply than any to come before and any that have come since.... And I invited them. And I let them in a way.
Growth does not come easily, and I surely don't enjoy it, but this is a part of that, isn't it? To look back and realize that things have changed and that you're growing? I would never stay in a situation like the one I was in again. I would never give someone so much so quickly... And I'm learning, bit by bit, that I don't need anyone's approval to be who I am... I just have to be who I am and let go of the people that don't like it.
And people wonder why I have so much difficulty giving up control. It's because there's so much to lose in life.. So much to lose in who we are.