You know, I've actually been doing a lot of thinking lately. Which isn't all that uncommon, but for once, it's been quite focused on one topic, something that I've had to face several times before in my life and will probably have to face again. And that is how I view myself, and my place in this world. Believe it or not, this bit of self-esteem (and at times, ego) I have wasn't always there. I struggled through genuine severe depression in my early teens, worse so than most people experience at that age. Various different problems internally and externally drove me deeper into myself and into my room. I was a goddamn mess, no use lying about that.
As a matter of fact I have dipped back into that pit of hatred both towards others and myself, despair and agony a couple of times in my lifetime, and might just do so again, who knows? Yet it might not, as I have been steadily taking the time to consciously hunt down each demon that I stumble across and face those assholes and bury them as best I can. Sure they might come back, but my ass is chilling on that grave ready to beat the undead bastards back underground.
It all stemmed from the same damn thing over and over again, something outside of my control making me feel shitty about my life and myself. A person, (people) event or series of events, breaking me down steadily, or slowly, bit by bit. And I watch other people have the same thing happen to them, some who are as far in as I have been. I know that feeling of utter despair, like I was nothing and nothing I did would matter. I have scars on my body to mark those foolish thoughts, inlcuding one that lies on my left wrist. That's not a fun place to be, but honestly, I won't take ANY of it back, because it has fucking taught me more than I can ever begin to explain to a human being. Were it possible to reach across and touch my heart and soul through your own, you would know.
One of the most important things I learned was exactly this: Those who care don't matter and those who matter won't care.
Sure it's not clean cut and it has it's issues, but it's the spirit that I hold dear in my heart, and I want to share it with all of you who would read this. It goes right along with my other mantra which has been emobied recently by Katy Perry, Pink, Lady Gaga, and various different It Gets Better songs. (they're applicable to all people really) Even Christina Aguilera from years ago, Beautiful will always be an amazing song.
I live by those two things, and I want to bring them to the world's attention at every chance I get.
As I stated before in a previous post from a couple of days ago, I'm going to get beaten down, hurt, bruised, bleeding and crying again. I will be found a heap of hot mess again one day, that's life. But I'll be damned if it makes me feel like I'm nothing, like my life means nothing. Goddammit I have people who love me, need me and rely on me and they give me strength as much as I give them. Their lives would be given for mine and mine would be for theres. My physical apperance is nothing to me really, sure I take care of what I was given, but really?
Fuck, even what I'm packing?
How it all came together to a point that some people find it attractive? What in the hell difference does that make? All of it is really nothing more than an accident of genetics, a stumble of nature really.
You want to get into your personality?
Oh, you think ill of people sometimes?
Cool for you, who the hell doesn't?
Do you allow that to take over your whole life, do you try to make their life miserable, or do you keep it to yourself?
Please, don't think you're a bad person, there are ALWAYS worse people.
Kinks a little dark? Please, again, always a darker kink, and even something that is wrong on moral level doesn't have to be done in reality.
But seriously here folks, look around you....
Look at that sky, blue or grey, it's molecules and atoms fly around constantly and keep this world alive. The warm sun beating against your flesh, the birds and the wind, the ground covered in a lush layer of green and color, or a soft and comforting blanket of snow. This world is fucking alive, and so should you! Get up, be crazy, love your damn self!
You're a freak, don't fit in? A lot of people don't, hell I don't, you find the ones who don't fit in, and you have found a brotherhood. My brothers and sisters of the freaks, geeks, losers, dorks, messed up, depressed, crazy, come on down and join the damn party. Don't give a shit what the world thinks, what does the majority care? In a sea of voices that scream 'fuck off,' there will always be two who will say 'I love you.' You just have to be willing to give it a shot, even if that person isn't flesh and blood in front of you, they can care and love for you all the same, and it can mean all the damn difference.
Personally? I think you're wonderful, even if we don't get along, even if you're not my favorite person, even if you hate yourself and don't see what I do, you're goddamn wonderful. You're awesome, amazing, perfect in every way because you're you! Be true and be happy, embrace all that you are, even the bad things, because...dude, they're you!
Even if you have pissed me off, I wish you well, a happy life, and to be alive, for we all deserve that and need to take advantage of that.
So join me all who feel lost, cast out, dejected, my little group of freaks and losers, raise that glass or that Highlander sword, let them hear the cry of us all, and show life right where to stick all of it's bullshit.
Join me and give it all, give the world the finger, and make our own damn paths forward.
Live, love and never let go.
Hope is lifeblood as much as love.
No matter what, you are fucking amazing
AND YOU DESERVE TO LOVE YOURSELF!
-raises the whole damn fifth-