Random T.V. Quotes.

[Inkidu]

An offshoot of Random Movie Quotes Just the T.V. version.

I thought you said the shoes didn't fit for cancer?
Wrong, I said the shoes didn't fit for testicular cancer. The shoes fit fine for lymphoma, except for Chase's shoes. His are just goofy.

-House.

[Pumpkin Seeds]

From Big Bang Theory

Leonard: We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace.
Leonard: Yes, and you’ve never met one of them.
Sheldon: That’s the beauty of it.

[Inkidu]

Lois a boat is a boat, but the mystery box could be anything... It could even be a boat!
Then why don't we just take the--
We'll take the box!

Family Guy.

[Pumpkin Seeds]

Roger the Alien: Is that a Chinese baby?
Stanley Smith: Sure is! Japanese, to be specific.

American Dad

[Inkidu]

If you need me I'll be in mine crapper.
*Floats over a little in the bowl, sighs"
I am always in mine crapper...

American Dad.

[theLeslie]

  Large Cartoon Pilgrim - Begone foul pests and give me the bird!

  Yako - We'd love to, but the censors won't allow it.





Oh how I love Animaniacs.

[Inkidu]

I am Ludwig Von Beethoven, world-class pianist!
A what?
Pianist.
What?
Pianist! Pianist! Pianist!
Yako: Goodnight everybody!

Animaniacs

[Inkidu]

God doesn't limp. --Gregory House

House.

[Rhapsody]

Ahh, House.  So many good quotes.  Here's another!

"And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m too stoned to tell."

[Lilias]

'Do you know what would be the best way to wipe out all of human kind if you were a space alien with a special kind of mind ray..?..make all women telepathic. Because if they suddenly found out about the kind of stuff that goes on in our heads they would kill us all on the spot. Men are not people - we are disgustoids in human form'

Coupling (BBC)

[Inkidu]

I've possibly got the greatest House quote ever. :D

House: "John! John we're going to find out what's wrong with you but first... have you ever appeared in any pornos!?"

[Inkidu]

God House is just so funny!

House: Tell the pilot to dive until we can club baby seals out the window.

[theLeslie]

  You're built to, I say you're built to low, son.  The fast ones go right over your head.  - Foghorn Leghorn

[Inkidu]

Hello Boston. Are you ready to huuuuumble yourself before God.
*Screams*
What have you all taken a vow of silence? Come on!
Give it up for the one, the only, his Holiness the Pope!

Family Guy.

[WyldRanger]

Well, just remember, boys, this is America. Just because you get more votes doesn't mean you win.

-Fox Mulder
-The X-Files (season 8-Three Words)

[Mordred]

No soup for you!.............. Yeah, an obvious one... but one from a show I love. Seinfeld. :) Said by the dude that looks like Omar Sharif, who is commonly referred to as the 'Soup Nazi'.

[Mithlomwen]

"Save the Cheerleader....save the world..."  Heroes.

[Mordred]

"Whatchu talkin' about, Willis?"..... Different Strokes

[Silk]

"Monster!? tell me what would make you call a pretty young lady like me a mo-mo-monster!?"
"Oh come on you walk through fire, walk through walls, rip holes in the roof and can even fly!"
"Very good reasons but not good enough!"

-Tenchi muyo

[Mordred]

"Are you having a laugh?"    A show, within a show... "Extras"

[Sonia]

I love Seinfeld!  "Maybe the dingo ate yor baybee."

[Mithlomwen]

"Welcome to Fantasy Island.....-Fantasy Island...

[mannik]

Free WaterFall :"...If your hands start to get cold, just stick them between your buttocks. That's nature's pocket."
Leela: "I'm gonna go find Bender."
Free WaterFall :"Be careful he doesn't pick your pocket."

Futurama

[jouzinka]

"Son of a b****!"
"Careful, it's your mum too."

Dean & Sam Winchester, Supernatural.

[Mithlomwen]

"Make it so number one..."  -  Jean Luc Picard Star Trek the Next Generation

[Mordred]

'Dammit Q!"... Couldn't resist another from Jean Luc Picard, TNG

[Mithlomwen]

"Tea....Earl Grey...hot..."  Jean Luc Picard - Star Trek TNG

[jouzinka]

Awww... someone just hit one of my weak spots. ;D Let's see...

"Yes!"
"I am Benjamin Sisko."
"I suppose you want the office."
"Well, I thought I'd say hello first and THEN take the office. But we can do it in any order you like."

Kira Nerys and Benjamin Sisko, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

[Mordred]

"I don't see no points in your ears, boy. But you sound like a Vulcan." - A very old Admiral McCoy to Data... Yes, you guessed... another from Star Trek: The Next Generation. :P

[Mithlomwen]

"These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise...our mission...to explore strange new worlds..to seek out new lives and new civilizations.... to boldly go where no one has gone before..."  - Star Trek TNG

[Mordred]

Last night I went to the cinema... saw a FULL preview of Star Trek... gave me goosebumps... similar to that first time young Anakin Skywalker slipped on the black helmet.

But... back to the serious matter at hand...

"I'm sorry!" - Raymond, Everybody Loves Raymond

[WyldRanger]

"What kind of an idiot are you?"

"My own special variety" - Odo

from one of my favorite shows of all time: Star Trek Deep Space Nine.

[jouzinka]

"Vulcans? You knew they were coming?!"
"You guys are the ones who have their comms bugged!"

Shran and Charles "Trip" Tucker
Star Trek: Enterprise

[Mordred]

"I am NOT a merry man!!!" - Worf, TNG... even thinking of this cracks me up. Just thinking of his expression and the frustrating, growling voice.

[WyldRanger]

"Of course it's your fault. Everything that goes wrong here is your fault. It says so in your contract."

Quark to Rom regarding a replicator failure.

[jouzinka]

Volatile? You have no idea how much I'm restraining myself from knocking you on your ass.

Charming Captain Jonathan Archer, adressing his soon-to-be Chief Science Officer, T'Pol
Star Trek: Enterprise

[WyldRanger]

"That may be the most important thing to understand about humans. It is the unknown that defines our existence. We are constantly searching...not just for answers to our questions...but for new questions. We are explorers...We explore our lives day by day...and we explore the galaxy, trying to expand the boundaries of our knowledge. And that is why I am here. Not to conquer you with weapons or with ideas. But to coexist and learn."

-Commander Benjamin Sisko to wormhole alien
Star Trek Deep Space Nine: Emissary

[Malrunar]

"They tell you never to hit a man with a closed fist, but it is, on occasion hilarious"

Mal from Firefly :)

[jouzinka]

Miles O'Brien: They're powering up their forward phasers.
Kira Nerys: Red alert! Shields up!
Miles O'Brien: What shields?!

Star Trek DS9: The Emissary

[Victor LaCroix]

"So remember, sex is bad, immoral and wrong. And if you have sex your automatically a member of the Al-Quaeda."
'The Reverend Jerry Kirkwood'
-Family Guy-

[Inkidu]

Chris (Luke) walks in.

Lois (Princess): Aren't you a little fat to be a storm trooper?
Chris: Well sit here an rot you stuck-up b**ch.

Family Guy Star Wars: Blue Harvest

[Diabolus Lupus]

Phoebe, how many times have I told you not to play dress-up with the demons?- Piper Halliwell, Charmed

I'm not sure if I have this one right, but it should be close.

"It turns a girl on when things go boom."- Fiona, Burn Notice

[Inkidu]

Phoebe, how many times have I told you not to play dress-up with the demons?- Piper Halliwell, Charmed

I'm not sure if I have this one right, but it should be close.

"It turns a girl on when things go boom."- Fiona, Burn Notice

The line is, "Nothing turns a girl on more than when something goes boom." you were close though. :D

[Mithlomwen]

Ziva: I stand corrected. It appears he didn't know. I feel like a donkey's butt.
McGee: Donkey's butt?
Tony: I think she means horse's ass McGee.
Ziva: Yes. That too.

Tony Dinozzo, Tim McGee, and Ziva David from NCIS

[Diabolus Lupus]

(Gibbs and Jenny watching Tony and Ziva from above squad room)
Jenny: She seems to be fitting in well.
Gibbs: She almost killed my entire team yesterday.
Jenny: How?
Gibbs: Driving home from a crime scene.

Jethro Gibbs and the NCIS Director, NCIS


Oddly enough Gibbs' first line sounds like something that'd be said about my sister's driving some days.

[Inkidu]

Palmer: If you didn't find anything psychologically wrong with him then why did he kill...
Ducky: Well, there is... evil in the world Mr. Palmer.

NCIS (David McCallum is fantastic.)

[Mithlomwen]

NCIS (David McCallum is fantastic.)

Agreed!!

McGee: (to Abby) Abby, you're getting powder all over my keyboard.
Abby: (shoving McGee's hand away) What's you're point?
McGee: My point is, Abby, that you are really, really overdoing the sugar thing again.
Abby: Well, I'm eating for two.
(McGee looks concerned)
Abby: Relax. I was pointing to health food freak over there. Everytime I pass her desk I have this overwhelming urge to shove a cheeseburger in her throat.

NCIS

[Valiant Knight]

"You're out of your Vulcan mind, Spock!" McCoy

[Valiant Knight]

"One of the advantages of being a captain, Doctor, is being able to ask for advice without necessarily having to take it."  Kirk

[Diabolus Lupus]

Bones: (examining curled up skeleton) How could this happen?
Booth: Umm, maybe he was rolled up in a carpet?
Bones: Where's the carpet?
Booth: Well, it rotted away. You know, with the... meaty parts.
(Bones begins laughing hysterically)
Caroline Julian: Excuse me? What is so funny?
Bones: (restraining laughter) Nothing.
Caroline Julian: I should hope not, because there's a dead body deserving of our respect right in front of you.
(Bones bursts out laughing again)
Caroline Julian: I did not know she could laugh.

They never said what happened with that skeleton...I think.

[Torch]

"Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now."


Dead Parrot Sketch, Monty Python's Flying Circus

[Diabolus Lupus]

Booth: He looks a little fussy there why don't you pick him up and give him a cuddle.
Brennan: Just because I have breasts doesn't mean I have magical powers over infants!

Sam: She must be really good in bed, otherwise I don't see why you'd keep her around.
Brennan: Yes, I am. But Booth would have no direct knowledge of that fact.

A couple more Bones quotes that I think are funny.

[jouzinka]

"Well, guns are useless, so are knives. Basically... we gotta torch the sucker."

Dean Winchester
Supernatural 1x02 Wendigo

[Valiant Knight]

From Sanford and Son:

FRED: I still want to sow some wild oats!
LAMONT: At your age, you don't have no wild oats, you got shredded wheat!

[Inkidu]

From Sanford and Son:

FRED: I still want to sow some wild oats!
LAMONT: At your age, you don't have no wild oats, you got shredded wheat!

Oh, my God, that was priceless.

[Ariabella]

From Knight Rider 08

KITT: Landing gear, non-operational.

Sarah: What do mean, non-operational?

KITT: In technical terms, it's gone.

[Inkidu]

Foreman's Dad: He says your a manipulative bastard.
House: It's a pet name.
____________________

Foreman: Chase, Cameron, and... the manipulative bastard...
House: You remembered.

[Inkidu]

Thirteen: Why can't you just judge our ideas on their own merit?
House: Oh, you don't want me to do that.

[jouzinka]

Elim Garak: Easy, Doctor (Bashir), it would appears, that the computer is only targeting non-Cardassians.
Gul Dukat (laughs): If you had been on the Station when I designed this program, I would have made an exception in your case.

Star Trek DS9, Civil Defense

[WyldRanger]

B'lanna Torres: Get the cheese to sickbay!

Star Trek: Voyager "Learning Curve"

[NitroLacey]

A few of my fave Gavin and Stacey quotes. :).

"It's got sepia, although I think it's faulty because it just makes everything look brown."- Uncle Bryn.

"Listen Gav, no-one wants the marriage to fail more than I do!"- Smithy.

"GAVLAR!"- Smithy.

"Be careful he might be grooming you...He might be a peadophile"- Gwen.
"Well he wouldn't be interested In me then would he."- Stacey.

((Stacey trying on a wedding dress.))
"I know its white right, but who can honsetly say hand on heart that they are a Virgin these days?"- Stacey.

[thewhiterabbit]

Tritter: "Merry Christmas."
House: "Happy go to hell."
-House

Mr. Eko: Climb that tree.
Charlie: What?
Mr. Eko: Climb that tree and perhaps we'll be able to get your bearings or see the plane.
Charlie: You climb it! What if I don't? You gonna beat me with your Jesus-stick?!
-Lost

Dr. Walter Bishop: I just pissed myself.
Peter Bishop: Excellent.
Dr. Walter Bishop: Just a squirt.
-Fringe

[WyldRanger]

The Doctor: I don't have a life. I have a program.

-Star Trek: Voyager - Tattoo

[Skye]

Lois to Peter: The safe word is banana.

(Family Guy)

[Inkidu]

Don't worry it's loaded with beanbag round it won't do any permanent damage.
-Shoots the shotgun-
But the temporary damage, that hurts like hell... did I forget to mention that?

[Inkidu]

Resurrection attempt.

Horse: Pees on the living room floor.
Peter: You know I don't want him to feel self-conscious everybody pee.
Lois: What?
Peter: Everybody pee... now.
Stewie: We have an unusual family.   

[saturnschild]

"Counting the stars in Orin's penis" -Stewy Griffin

[Grim]

Frak it! *blows head off*

[Saku]

Dean: "There's Sam girls and Dean girls. And what's a slash fan?"
Sam: "As in... Sam slash Dean. Together."
Dean: "Like... together together?"
Sam: "Yeah."
Dean: "They do know we're brothers, right?"
Sam: "It doesn't seem to matter."
Dean: "Ah, come on. That's... that's just sick."

Dean: "I'm sitting in a laundromat reading about myself sitting in a laundromat reading about myself. My head hurts."
Dean: (reading) "Sam turned his back on Dean. His face brooding and pensive." I mean, I don't know how this guy is doing it but this guy is doing it. I can't see your face but those are definitely your pensive and brooding shoulders. (Sam pauses) You just thought I was a dick."
Sam: "This guy's good."

Dean Winchester x Sam Winchester
Supernatural 4x18 The Monster at the End of This Book

[Inkidu]

Chris: Dad this man says I can't go to school.
Peter: Oh yeah? Him and what army?
Chris: The U.S. Army.
Peter: Oh, that's a good army...

Family Guy, Petoria.

[krisalyx]

from code geass series 1 season 1 episode 10  jeremiah gottwold  is zero here? if you're around FIGHT ME YOU COWARD!!  Zero oh it's been a while? but i ain't got time to play with you orange boy. Jeremiah O-O-ORANGE?! Please i beg of you DIE!!  (and aftter a few minutes) jeremiah ALL HAIL BRITANNIA!!!!

[tesseractive]

And isn't sanity really just a one-trick pony anyway? I mean all you get is one trick, rational thinking, but when you're good and crazy, ooh ooh ooh, the sky is the limit!

The Tick

[Rhapsody]

Chuck: "I'm in the bathroom! Is there nothing sacred to you people?"
Casey: *beat* "Just the right to bear arms."

[Cold Heritage]

GENERAL: *hesistant* Well, uh, we could call the Xtacles.
PRESIDENT STAN: *incredulous* Are you joking?! It's 11AM! They're drunk already!

ALEX: Jack, I've got no record of a villain named 'Rape Ape.'
JACK: Of course there's a Rape Ape! He's that guy who's going around raping these statues! Just put that in the file, access it, and read it back to me.
ALEX: *sigh* Okay, uh, here it is.
JACK: Well, what does it say?
ALEX: Rape Ape: He is that guy who is going around raping these statues.
JACK: Case closed!
CHASE: Boosh!
XTACLES: Good job! That was easy!
ALEX: No Jack, case not closed.
JACK: What?
ALEX: If Rape Ape existed, which to reiterate, he doesn't, you'd still have to catch him.
JACK: Fine. Then about this guy below Rape Ape.
ALEX: Rapier Ape?
XTACLES: *gasps of shock*
JACK: Yeah, and look at his name: Rapier Ape. He's obviously taken raping to a whole new level.
ALEX: Rapier Ape is retired, he's lived-
JOSEPH: Oh my God, tell me there isn't a Rapiest Ape.
CHASE: Oh my God!
XTACLES: *gasps of horror*
ALEX: Rapier Ape is retired, and he's called that because he wields a rapier.
JOSEPH: He . . . wields another rapist?
ALEX: No, a rapier! It's a sword used in fencing!
CHASE: That is just sick! He rapes people with a sword?!
XTACLE: Oh man that's gross.
XTACLE: That is sick.
JOSEPH: I'd rather be raped with a penis.
JACK: And you just may get your wish.
JOSEPH: Wait-
JACK: Where is he now?
JOSEPH: No, it's not a wish!
ALEX: *sigh* God. Rapier Ape retired from his life of crime, is currently employed at the theme resturant Funbeard's-
XTACLE: Oooo! Funbeard's!
ALEX: Makes use of his swashbuckling skills as one of their dinner theater actors.
JACK: Alright people, this is serious. We got hostages!
ALEX: Those are tourists.
JACK: A heavily fortified pirate ship!
ALEX: That's actually a retrofitted Sizzler.
JACK: And an ape that's even rapier than Rape Ape.
ALEX: Is my volume even on?
JACK: [Joseph] Bigsby! You're on recon squad.
JOSEPH: Boosh!
JACK: I want to know every move this sick bastard makes.

The Xtacles

[Shiri]

"This is the reason why your headache didn't go away: That's actually pronounced analgesic, not anal-gesic. Sir, the pills go in your mouth."

-Turk from Scrubs

[Darius]

Zoe :   Cap'n'll have a plan, he always does.
Kaylie: That's good, Right?
Zoe:    It's possible you're not recalling some of the cap'n's previous plans...

...

Book: "What are we up to, sweetheart?"

River: "Fixing your Bible."

Book: "I, um...(alarmed)...what?"

River: "Bible's broken. Contradictions, false logistics - doesn't make sense." (she's marked up the bible, crossed out passages)

Book: "No, no. You - you can't...

River: "So we'll integrate non-progressional evolution theory with God's creation of Eden. Eleven inherent metaphoric parallels already there. Eleven. Important number. Prime number. One goes into the house of eleven eleven times, but always comes out one. Noah's ark is a problem."

Book: "Really?"

River: "We'll have to call it early quantum state phenomenon. Only way to fit 5000 species of mammal on the same boat." (rips out page)

...

Zoe: "Preacher, don't the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killing?

Book: "Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps."

all from Firefly 

[Shiri]

"I am not a Merry Man!" - Worf, Star Trek: The Next Generation

[Skye]

"If you cut revenge out of the Bible, there's not even enough pages to make a pamphlet."
-Blair Waldorf, Gossip Girl

[Avi]

"This is quite possibly the worst coffee I have ever tasted.  No, really, it's fascinating, it tastes like..."  *sips*  "It tastes like a monkey peed in battery acid."

-Nathan Fillion, Castle

[Skye]

Dr. Cameron: Men should grow up.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. And dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not gonna happen.

-House

[Darius]

"No boom today. Boom tomorrow. There's always a boom tomorrow"
Ivonova, Babylon 5

[Lady Annabelle]

Jim Kaplan: Hello, sir.
Peter: Enough with the foreplay, sailor. What are you selling?
Jim Kaplan: Well, I was gonna try to sell you some "handsome cream" but I can see you already bought out the store!
Peter: Go on.
Jim Kaplan: Perhaps you'd be interested in something every homeowner cannot be without. Volcano insurance!
Peter: Go on.
Jim Kaplan: According to my uncle-who's a real whiz with volcanoes-a volcano is coming this way!
Peter: [Thinking] I, too, have an uncle.
Peter: Come in.
Peter: How much is this volcano insurance?
Jim Kaplan: Uh, I don't know. Let's say, $200.
Peter: $200? That's more than I spent on all that handsome cream.
Peter: I don't have that kind of money!
Jim Kaplan: What about that jar of money?
Peter: No way! That's Lois' rainy day fund.
Jim Kaplan: Ah, come on, it never rains in Rhode Island.
Peter: Yeah, but I'm pretty sure we've never had a volcano either.
Jim Kaplan: Well, don't you think we're overdue for one?
Peter: Touche, salesman.

- Family Guy

[Soran]

"Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit. I'm ALIVE!!!!" A.J Rimmer from Red Dwarf.

[Lady Annabelle]

Joey Potter: And don't miss mine. Pacey, I love you, you know that. And it's very real. It's so real that it's kept me moving, mostly running from it, never ready for it… I can't be let off the hook because I just might get the notion that it's ok to keep running.

- "All Good Things Must Come To An End"  'Dawson's Creek'

[SuperHans]

"Brilliant Mark, my mate and your bird have just gone off to fuck each other. What are we going to do? Make a tent in the frontroom and eat Dairylea? Is that what you want? Because that’s what's going to happen!"

-Jez, from Peep Show, the sitcom that gave me my user-namesake

[Lady Annabelle]

Bender 1: I'm not sad because I finally found someone as great as me. It's like I always say, "Make new friends and keep the old. One is silver--"

Bender A: "And the other's gold."

- Futurama

[jouzinka]

"Synthetic scotch, synthetic commanders..."
Capt. Montgomery Scotch after meeting Lt. Cmdr. Data

"What is it?"
"It is... it is... it is... it is green, Sir."

Lt. Cmdr. Data making an accurate observation of the Aldebaran whisky

"The android at the bar said ya' could show me ma' old ship. Lemme see it."
"Insufficient data. Please specify by parameters."
"The Enterprise! Show me the bridge of the Enterprise, ya' chatterin' piece of..."
"There have been five Federation ships with that name. Please specify by registry number."
"NCC-1701. No bloody A... B... C... or D!"

Cpt. Montgomery Scott & the Enterprise D's computer

all from Star Trek TNG episode "Relics" XD

[despickable]

I'll pick you up on Friday and on Tuesday i'll put you back down. (Jane: Coupling BBC)

[jouzinka]

"Miss Uhura, your last subspace log contained an error in 'Frequencies' column."
"Mister Spock, sometimes I think if I hear that word 'frequency' once more, I'll cry."
"Cry?"
"I was just trying to start a conversation."
"Well... since it is illogical for a Communications Officer to resent the word 'frequency,' I have no answer."
"No, you have an answer. I'm an illogical woman, who's beginning to feel too much a part of a Communications Console. Why don't you tell me I'm an attractive young lady or ask me if I've ever been in love? Tell me, how your planet Vulcan looks on a lazy evening when the moon is full."
"Vulcan has no moon, Miss Uhura."
"I'm not surprised, Mister Spock."

Star Trek TOS: The Man Trap XD

[auroraChloe]

"I'm no meteorologist but I'm pretty sure it's raining bitches."  - Cleveland Brown  (Family Guy)

[Lirliel]

Tony: "Who would send me a letter with anthrax?"
Kate: "Pick a girl, Tony. Any girl."
Tony: "That's not funny, Kate."
Kate: "Yeah, I know."
Tony: "This is serious."
Kate: "I know, Tony! I'm sorry."
Tony: "At this very instant, someone is incinerating my Ermenegildo Zegna suit, my Armani tie, my Dolce Gabbana shirt and my Gucci shoes!"
McGee: "You know, it might not be anthrax."
Tony: "I like the sound of that, Probie!"
McGee: "It could be smallpox, bubonic plague, cholera..."
Tony: "Probie!"
McGee: "...foot powder, face powder, talcum powder..."
Tony: "Honeydust!"
McGee: "Honeydust?"
Tony: "Honeydust. I give it to girls."
(Kate glares at him but she knows Tony can't see it. He knows it.)
Tony: "Women! Sorry, Kate. I give it to "women" at Christmastime. Very sensuous. You apply it with a feather."
Kate: (Chuckles) "You don't use the whole chicken?"
McGee: "I never heard of honeydust."
Kate: "Yeah, that's because your mother raised you to respect women, McGee."
Gibbs: "It makes a woman's skin feel silky smooth. When kissed, it tastes like honey."
(Everybody pokes their heads out of their showers and looks at Gibbs')2.22 - SWAK - NCIS
Gibbs: "Got a box of honeydust last Christmas. No card."
Tony: "Ah...I think the post office screwed up, boss. Somebody else got your bottle of Jack and you got their..."
(Tony is cut off by Kate)
Kate: "Hey! Doesn't the post office irradiate our mail?"
McGee: "Yeah, that's right! All federal mail is funneled through the Ion Beam facility at Bridgeport, New Jersey. If it has DNA, it dies."
Tony: "The diseases that you named, they-they have DNA?"
McGee: "They do."
Kate: "Oh, you should have let him squirm."
Tony: "Haha! Then, it's no worries!"
Gibbs: "Unless the post office screwed up again."

[Beguile's Mistress]

Dr. Temperance Brennan: What exactly am I supposed to be squinting at?
Seeley Booth: It's like pornography. You'll know it when you see it.


Pilot episode of "Bones"

[Xenoti]

"If it is one minute late i will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat, I will let you fall in love with that kitty, and then some dark cold night i will steal away into your home and punch you in the face" Sue C from Glee

[Scribbles]

Billy's Dad: What that boy needs is focus.
Mandy: So what do you propose to do about it?
Billy's Dad: About what?
Mandy: The focus problem.
Billy's Dad: What focus problem?
Grim: Let it go Mandy.

[Darius]

A couple of great Buffy Quotes:

    Cordelia: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.
    Oz: We attack the Mayor with hummus.
    Cordelia: I stand corrected.
    Oz: Just keeping things in perspective.

From Graduation Day 2

Vamp Willow: This is a dumb world. In my world, there are people in chains, and we can ride them like ponies.
From Dopplegangerland

Spike: Passions is on! Timmy's down a bloody well, and if you make me miss it I'll -
Giles: Do what? Lick me to death?
From Something Blue

Buffy: Everyone knows their jobs, right? If the ritual starts, we all die. And I'll kill anyone who comes near Dawn.
Spike: Well, not exactly the St. Crispin's Day speech, was it?
Giles: We few... we happy few.
Spike: We band of buggered.
From The Gift

and perhaps the best one ever:

Spike: You know why I really hate you, Summers?
Faith [in Buffy's body]: 'Cause I'm a stuck up tight-ass with no sense of fun?
Spike: Well, yeah. That covers a lot of it.
Faith [in Buffy's body]: 'Cause I could do anything I want and instead I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness. I mean, I could be rich, I could be famous. I could have anything. Anyone. Even you, Spike. I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you pop like warm champagne and you'd beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't? [mockingly] Because it's wrong.

[Scarlette]

"And I'm guessing you weren't burdened with an overabundance of schoolin." Mal Reynalds, Firefly

[Adonis]

"Life is about change. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's beautiful, but most of the time it's both." - Lana Lang, Smallville

[Jr]

C'mon... Let's get the hell out of here. -Captain Kirk. City at the Edge of Forever

[Remiel]

Homer walks into a voting booth.
Homer: "Ooh, one of those electronic voting dealies." (Homer touches the screen, it beeps.)
Electronic Voting Machine: "One vote for McCain. Thank you."
Homer: "Hee hee hee.  No, I wanna vote for Obama." (touching the screen again, another beep.)
Electronic Voting Machine: "Two votes for McCain."
Homer: "Huh? C'mon, it's time for a change." (pressing the screen again)
Electronic Voting Machine: "Three votes for McCain."
Homer: (getting angry) "No, no, no!"
Electronic Voting Machine: "Six votes for President McCain."
Homer: "Hey, I only meant one of those votes for McCain. (horrible realization, gasps) This machine is rigged!"
The voting machine opens up, sucking Homer inside it.
Homer: "Must...tell...President McCain! This doesn't happen in America! Maybe Ohio...but not in America!"

The Simpsons, Treehouse of Horror

[Talia]

Peter: Hey hey I got an idea. Lets play "I Never." You got to drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did.

Cleveland: Oh I got one, I never slept with a women with the lights on.
(They all drink.)
Joe: I'll go next, uh I never had sex with Cleveland's wife.
(Quagmire and Cleveland drink.)
Peter: alright lets see uh, I never did a chick in a Logan airport bathroom.
(Only Quagmire drinks.)

****About 33 drinks later****

Peter: God lets see what else is there um...I never gave a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Alligence.
Quagmire: Oh God.
(Quagmire takes a drink.)
Joe: I uh I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home a choke me while I touch myself.
Quagmire: Oh come on!
(Quagmire drinks again.)
Peter: I never did the same thing except with someone from Joann Fabrics.
Quagmire: Oh God this is ridiculous. You guys suck! (Drinks more and passes out.)

[Jr]

Now if you'll excuse me, captain, I have to rip the clothes off this man.-Zoe. Firefly.

[gaggedLouise]

"Three men have died already for craving that Stetson of yours, McCloud! The press are dubbing you "the man with the golden hat" "

-from an old episode of '70s cop series McCloud; at this point it was still kept dense just why one smalltime gangster after another had tried to appropriate the proud hat of the "cowboy cop" and then instantly got shot or chased to their death by some other con. Seen in a rerun, it became an instant favourite quote between me and my brother.

[SaturnCeleste]

Stewie Griffin: Victory is mine!

[WildCat]

"Take me, sir. Take me hard." --Zoe again. The quintessential deadpan snarker's deadpan snarker.

[SaturnCeleste]

Kai: I killed mothers with their babies. I've killed great philosophers, proud young warriors, and revolutionaries. I've killed the evil, the good, the intelligent, the weak, and the beautiful. I have done this in the service of His Divine Shadow and his predecessors, and I have never once shown any mercy. ~ The Lexx

[gaggedLouise]

"Now we're gonna clear up this business of the Devil, once and for all."

-from an old TV interview with Ingmar Bergman

[JinxedMinx]

"So this is what it feels like. The big time! With this mop, I shape my destiny!"

-Spongebob Squarepants

[DutchSpawn]

"And shepherd's we shall be...

for thee, my Lord, for thee.

Power hath descended forth from Thy hand

Our feet may swiftly carry out Thy commands.

So we shall flow a river forth to Thee

And teeming with souls shall it ever be.

In Nomeni Patri Et Fili Spiritus Sancti"

-Boondock Saints

[JinxedMinx]

"The universe is big, it's vast and complicated, and ridiculous. And sometimes, very rarely, impossible things just happen and we call them miracles. And that's the theory. Nine hundred years, never seen one yet, but this would do me."

- Doctor Who

[gaggedLouise]

From Lars von Trier's comedy/horror/drama tv series The Kingdom: Doctor Helmer, a brilliant but irascible surgeon who has had to go abroad to make his career - pretty much no one could stand him at home - and settle in Denmark, which he despises, is standing on the roof of the big Copenhagen hospital looking across the sound towards his country of birth. On the Swedish coast, in the north, he glimpses the two nuclear power plants at Barsebäck, always a point of contention between the two countries because being so close to the capital of Denmark (which has never gone for nuclear power). The doctor launches into his heartfelt, high-style rant:

"Here lies Denmark, ejected out of an a**e in chalk and clay. Over there is Sweden, hewn in granite! With plutonium we shall bring the Dane to his knees. (looking at the nuclear plants) Thank you, oh proud watchtowers! - Danish scum! Danish scum!"


(Sweden and Denmark have not been at war for two hundred years and long since became peaceful and cheeky brother countries - making the line about plutonium even more outrageously funny)

[yobo]

"Next year in Jerusalem!"

Bender, Futurama.

[JinxedMinx]

"What makes you think you're a man? You're an overgrown jackrabbit. An elf with a hyperactive thyroid."

Star Trek