A Temple of Two Spirits -- 5: Hidden Romancist

[Twisted Crow]

Five:

----

'Hidden Romancist'

https://youtu.be/djV11Xbc914?list=RDzymzPvpHHto

I'm probably going to get weird for some folks here, but I can only really write my feelings on this based on my instincts. So I'm just gonna roll with it. Humor me, won't you?

When you get to be in your late twenties, I swear... people like me apparently really get to thinking a lot about where in blue hell our lives are going from here. It doesn't help that I was always one of those people with an "older mindset" than my peers. So I feel like I've been thinking over-thinking this for the past ten years.

I sometimes still feel like I should have my act together and my life in order, by now. Though I can never decide what my own standards are for what "in order" actually means, in truth. Talks with my mother about my "dread in turning 30" come to mind, naturally. As well as her laughing, telling me I have nothing to worry about. She knows why I have that concern as well: Women. Though she threw quite the curve ball at me. "Men tend to get more interesting in their 30s" She tells me. Hah, mothers sure tend to be biased with their own children. Although, to give her credit I had often been complimented for my knack in understanding what other women were receptive to. Which is kind of funny to me when I look at my own track record; given my own ineptitude with them.

I used to give sound advice to friends on relationships. I guess I still do, actually. To this day, a few friends in particular still turn me into their "marriage counselor" whether I want to weigh in my opinion or stay out of it these days. It is important to note that this experience has also taught me when and when not to go sticking my nose in other people's affairs. So, my general rule of thumb now is: ''Gambit don't go nowhere where he not invited...''

Yet, the biggest joke on me to date is that I could save other relationships from becoming catastrophic... but I am not very good at keeping my own relationships intact. I sometimes feel like this Hidden Romancist in me is a cruel irony. Of course, I have a bit of a sense of humor about this now... even if it's still annoying. To make things clear, I'm not the guy to call to tell you "the right things to say to get in her pants". I'm (more or less) the guy to call to get you to ask yourself if you want that from her... or more. I'm not the one to ask about "where all the nice guys have disappeared to", but rather... the one to ask for an honest opinion concerning your own expectations in men.

Really, I'm more of a second conscience than anything. Just an honest voice that I could only genuinely be if I was your friend (and if asked). Despite this little 'knack' of mine, though... I can never seem to get this to work for myself. Then it dawned on me.

I've never really sat down and gave it thought for myself.

I never asked myself any of my own questions that I'd tell others to ask themselves. Ones that I feel that people should ask when thinking about what kind of "mate" they really want. I had skipped that part of the whole "self-search" milestone. That part where we need to ask ourselves...What do I want?

...

No, really... what the hell do I want?

What is it that truly drives me? ... When do I feel at my highest? When do I feel truly happy about who I am? When are moments when am I truly content?

To borrow (and paraphrase) a wise person on the site that once told me this: 'A person can be so much more than their damage'. I would say that this includes our own baggage, weaknesses and personal vices. I believe that if a person has even a piece of control in life (i.e., have a place to live, a job, etc.) that they possess the capacity to rise above these things that keep them locked up. I feel that the age-old classic (that holds some of us back) is sometimes our past experiences with relationships. To this day, I still have to tell my brain to shut up when negative thoughts on that topic start to creep in. I feel like there is no point or purpose in holding onto old venom anymore. In life, all it seems to do is poison one's hope for their future when it comes to finding somebody. Now, I will admit here and now... not everyone's past is the same and not everything is just something that you can get over in a day or two.

But I feel like I've gotten at that point in my life where I can turn back from this and just dive in and see what happens. Start a new chapter and continue to develop in ways that I feel suit me best. I hope you all have a wonderful day. Thank you for reading. :-)

-Dall



On the Music: I know that people tend to chuckle when I say that I like "Take On Me". But as I've mentioned before, I just love the way this song builds onto itself as it progresses. Plus the animation in this music video is amazing to me. :-)