On obvious realizations put off for too long

[grdell]

I found out about plentyoffish.com from this forum. Some people reported success (but, then again, people report success with the rampantly homophobic eHarmony, too), so I decided that it was worth a try. I created my profile and went through all their little personality tests and everything. I have contacted a few people, and some people have contacted me. So far, nothing has come of it. I told a friend not long ago that I was tired of trying. I was told to stop.

I understand the logic. I've read the studies and researched the psychology. When you're not actively looking you're enjoying your own life and are more confident and attractive and therefore luckier in love. But I'm not the kind of person to go out to places where I'm at all likely to meet people. I tend to just sit at home in front of my computer, where an attractive level of confidence really isn't going to do me any good. So I decided to expand my social circle by doing things where I would be likely to meet more people. People who might know people. Also, so far, nothing has come of it.

I am a patient person, but frustration will take its toll. Desperation (that least attractive of all emotions) seeps in slowly and insidiously, and I find that my experiences at trying to expand my social circle become just another avenue for looking for a potential mate. And still, I get tired of trying.

So I get a message from another user on plentyoffish. My first impression is harshly critical. Bad spelling, bad grammar. No picture. Doesn't generally fall within other parameters like age and distance for me. I am initially tempted to simply dismiss out-of-hand. But I get counsel from friends. Advice that turns my perspectives around. One even goes so far as to say: "You're reading any effort this guy might put into a potential relationship based on how well he spells stuff. Doesn't that seem a little extreme?" I respond that it is. And unreasonable, too. "He might be the most amazing guy in the world, but you're dismissing this guy because his profile looks a little rough." Again, I must agree.

Have I really been that shallow and overcritical in the past? Yes, I have. Is that why I'm still single? Most likely. I have discovered that I can come up with a million reasons not to give someone a chance with no effort at all. It's almost like I'm intentionally sabotaging my own efforts. And for what? To find that one perfect person? Good luck. If they even exist, what are the chances of finding them?

No. I must change all this. I replied to my friends that now what I need to do is stop having them beat down all my excuses for me and start beating them down myself. I need to give people a chance. Sure, disappointments will occur, but they were occurring already anyway, so there's no great loss on that front. But on the other hand, some will be bound to surprise me. Pleasantly, too. I'll never know until I try.

And I intend to try.

[Trieste]

Good for you! Knowledge is power and even the realization gives you that. It's hard to go back to ignoring - and therefore blissfully perpetuating - a behavior you've become aware of wanting to change.

Good for you, grdell!

[Arhys]

I agree.  You've been posting about a lot of positive changes you are making in your life, and always are committed to handling your own emotions.  Good for you and well-done.