Employment rules

[Lilias]

Sickness and Related Leave: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Surgery: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

Your Own Death: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

Restroom Use: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day, when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

Pay Check Guide: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their pay checks:

Item: Amount
Gross Pay: $1,222.02
Income tax: $244.40
Outgo tax: $45.21
State tax: $11.61
Interstate tax: $61.10
County tax: $6.11
City tax: $12.22
Rural tax: $4.44
Back tax: $1.11
Front tax: $1.16
Side tax: $1.61
Up tax: $1.08
Down tax: $1.14
Tic-Tacs: $1.98
Thumbtacks: $3.93
Carpet tacks: $0.98
Stadium tax: $0.69
Flat tax: $8.32
Surtax: $2.23
Ma'am tax: $1.23
Corporate tax: $2.60
Parking fee: $5.00
F.I.C.A.: $81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund: $9.95
Life insurance: $5.85
Health insurance: $16.23
Dental insurance: $4.50
Mental insurance: $4.33
Disability: $2.50
Ability: $0.25
Liability: $3.41
Coffee: $6.85
Coffee cups: $66.51
Floor rental: $16.85
Chair rental: $0.32
Desk rental: $4.32
Union dues: $5.85
Union don'ts: $3.77
Cash advance: $0.69
Cash retreats: $121.35
Overtime: $1.26
Undertime: $54.83
Eastern time: $9.00
Central time: $8.00
Mountain time: $7.00
Pacific time: $6.00
Time out: $12.21
Oxygen: $10.02
Water: $16.54
Heat: $51.42
Cool air: $26.83
Hot air: $20.00
Miscellaneous: $113.29
Various: $8.01
Sundry: $12.09
Net Take Home Pay: $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
~The Management

[Mathim]

LMAO, where'd you find this?

[Lilias]

A newspaper for teachers I receive monthly reserves its last page for laughs picked off the internet. There's something as funny as that virtually every month.

[Mathim]

This reminds me of something my friend emailed to me (I wish I hadn't deleted it! But it was more than six months ago...)

It was something like, "Mr. P. Niss wants a raise", and it had all these euphemisms for a penis, like it works in damp environments, has to work very hard, and stuff like that, and then another memo from "Ms. V. Gina" says that Mr. P. Niss doesn't deserve a raise because he doesn't work for the required 8 hours, and things like that. It was hilarious. I wouldn't know where to find the entire thing, though.

[Inkidu]

Ma'am tax FTW!

[Mathim]

They forgot to tax the taxes!