The Country of New California

[Trieste]

I very seldom do more than delete forwarded emails. It's only a 50/50 shot that I'll even read them. But I got this one forwarded and I simply could not resist sharing. I'm still grinning and snickering as I type this.



Dear Red States...

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas , Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel, Apple and Microsoft. You get Enron and WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama . We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources there.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can
serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite , thank you.

Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61% of you crazy b *****ds believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico .

Peace out,

Blue States

[Kazyth]

Awwww!  That's it, I'm moving out of Indiana then!

[Inkidu]

But if you think about it. The rest of the states have easy access to guns. The blue state repatriation is a sure thing. ???

[The Overlord]

LOL, awesome, but if you get into discussion with the flag-snogging superconservative suckups, they'll always fall back on the same tired rant; this is America, if you don't like it, get the hell out.


To which I say; Red States, YOU get the frack out. We'll stay the United States of America, and you can do that Confederate thing again if you like. Better yet, I understand real estate is plentiful and cheap in Antarctica.



P.S. We're taking NASA with us. Atlanta can keep Delta.  :)

[Trieste]

See, the myth is that blue states don't actually have access to guns. We do. We just have stricter access so that the people who do have guns can actually fire them as opposed to states where people own guns but have the aim of Imperial Stormtroopers on acid.

And then there's that whole 'access to fresh water' thing. Kinda hard to keep up an army without that.

Or we could just send someone down there to agitate for secession, and just let all of 'em secede.

Again.

And not stop them this time.

[The Overlord]

Well the first time around the slave states succeeded on their own, this time we'd be throwing them out...there's some sweet irony in that.


For the record, before I pack my bags and relinquish my title of Liberal Northman in the Bible Belt, I vote we take Atlanta as a possession as well. It's actually a pretty cool and liberal city, and most natives down here will argue the ATL isn't the real south anyway. Fine.  ;)

[Trieste]

There's lots of liberal cities in the south, and as someone heading for med school I totally would like ATL as well, but I think that if we start picking and choosing cities, the red states might try to do the same, which kinda defeats the purpose... so nay. Nay, I say.

[Inkidu]

See, the myth is that blue states don't actually have access to guns. We do. We just have stricter access so that the people who do have guns can actually fire them as opposed to states where people own guns but have the aim of Imperial Stormtroopers on acid.

And then there's that whole 'access to fresh water' thing. Kinda hard to keep up an army without that.

Or we could just send someone down there to agitate for secession, and just let all of 'em secede.

Again.

And not stop them this time.

I said easier access, and it's statistically proven that reds have more guns per person.

[HairyHeretic]

I said easier access, and it's statistically proven that reds have more guns per person.

How many can they fire at once?  ;)

[Oniya]

Give me enough string and a piece of wood to mount them on...

It's reloading multiples that's a problem, but if you do like the Brits did in Zulu, you could sling a lot of lead.

(P.S. - I couldn't tell from the description, or the road signs out here - can Ohio come too?  Or at least my house?)

[Trieste]

I think Ohio actually counts as one of those swing state thingamies, so I think they'd have to make the super special Blue State promise.

[Caeli]

*giggles* Very funny. Thanks for sharing. :)

[Inkidu]

How many can they fire at once?  ;)

You pass out the ones you can't to the few who don't :)

[Sherona]

*smiles* Just don't forget there are plenty of "blue" people in the red states that for some reason can't make the states blue...yeah and people wonder why I vote as rote without any real hope of it changing anything.

unfortunately the Blue states would soon be over crowded by the blue people trapped in the red states, things like land will become scarce pretty scarce.

I still wish I had that Mad Tv spoof I saw, where they made fun of Blue states over exaggerated views on Red states and Red states over exaggerated views on Blue..

[Inkidu]

*smiles* Just don't forget there are plenty of "blue" people in the red states that for some reason can't make the states blue...yeah and people wonder why I vote as rote without any real hope of it changing anything.

unfortunately the Blue states would soon be over crowded by the blue people trapped in the red states, things like land will become scarce pretty scarce.

I still wish I had that Mad Tv spoof I saw, where they made fun of Blue states over exaggerated views on Red states and Red states over exaggerated views on Blue..

There are reds in blues too. So does that mean... yes! We are all purple states! Ha!

[Moondazed]

*giggle*  Now that's funny :D

[Inkidu]

*giggle*  Now that's funny :D

I'm going to start the Purple Party! :D

[Trieste]

The purple states of America? :o

[Inkidu]

The purple states of America? :o

Why not? Red and blue makes purple.

[Trieste]

Hee. :D <3

[Moondazed]

Somehow I doubt that the elements of said Red and Blue would mix so easily ;)

[Trieste]

But they must! For the good of the purple!

[Moondazed]

I think you're biased, Trieste *giggle*

[Inkidu]

I think that's really the problem these days. We don't debate about politics. We bicker, and well bitch. I say long live the purple! :D

XD God save the Purple!

[Trieste]

Of course i'm biased. It's purple. Everybody should be biased. Purple!

[Oniya]

I'm going to start the Purple Party! :D

I'm still in favor of the All Night Party, but if Howard doesn't run, I'll vote Purple.  Are you nominating Spel?

[National Acrobat]

You know, there are some Northern California and Southern Oregon Counties that want to secede and make their own state, Jefferson.

It's been mentioned through the years, but they've really started to talk more about it in the last couple of years.

[Inkidu]

I'm still in favor of the All Night Party, but if Howard doesn't run, I'll vote Purple.  Are you nominating Spel?

We could dye him as a promotional stunt! ;D

[Oniya]

Give everyone rose-colored glasses, and his avatar will look purple ;D

[Valerian]

/quote]
Go, Great Lakes!  Woo!

*ahem*  But if we're starting a Purple Party, someone should check out this site.

[Inkidu]

[quote author=Trieste link=topic=23180.msg907090#msg907090 date=1225321574
And then there's that whole 'access to fresh water' thing. Kinda hard to keep up an army without that.

Go, Great Lakes!  Woo!

*ahem*  But if we're starting a Purple Party, someone should check out this site.

Ahem three words: Tennessee Valley Authority." the red states got water. So um on to the purple party. It's better than a civil war.
 
But, but, but! I want to dump Spel in a vat of red dye! D:

[Valerian]

According to the EPA, the Great Lakes contain 84% of all the fresh water in North America.  So no, the reds wouldn't be without water, but they'd notice the sudden shortage...

(The Great Lakes hold 21% of the fresh water supply for the entire world, actually.   :o)

[Inkidu]

According to the EPA, the Great Lakes contain 84% of all the fresh water in North America.  So no, the reds wouldn't be without water, but they'd notice the sudden shortage...

(The Great Lakes hold 21% of the fresh water supply for the entire world, actually.   :o)

But they've got it.

[The Overlord]

There's lots of liberal cities in the south, and as someone heading for med school I totally would like ATL as well, but I think that if we start picking and choosing cities, the red states might try to do the same, which kinda defeats the purpose... so nay. Nay, I say.

Yeah but we're kicking them out...so they can't choose.  :P

[Inkidu]

Yeah but we're kicking them out...so they can't choose.  :P

Reds have the guns. What are you gong to do peace them to death? :P

[Trieste]

Yes.

[Inkidu]

Yes.

Never heard of anyone dying from peace. *Starts designs for Purple party camouflage (Psst. It's purple)*

[The Overlord]

Reds have the guns. What are you gong to do peace them to death? :P

Reds aren't exactly the only group with guns that are willing to use them. Make no mistake on that.

[Inkidu]

Reds aren't exactly the only group with guns that are willing to use them. Make no mistake on that.

But they have more of them and a greater ease of access. Last time I checked.

[Vekseid]

I'm for this as long as we're not ruled by California - I mean, I imagine New York might have something to say about that.

I may be biased in opinion though, since we'd end up with a significantly higher proportion of females.

[Trieste]

Never heard of anyone dying from peace. *Starts designs for Purple party camouflage (Psst. It's purple)*

Clearly you've never read about things like sit-ins and hunger strikes.

[Inkidu]

Clearly you've never read about things like sit-ins and hunger strikes.

Yeah but that doesn't kill the other guy! Like Paton said, "No son of a bitch ever one a war by dying for his country, it's making that other poor son of a bitch die for his."
So correction, "I've never seen anyone killed by a peace attack."

[Trieste]

I bet you've never seen DNA replication take place, either.

[Inkidu]

I bet you've never seen DNA replication take place, either.

Not in real life no. I saw a simulation of DNA replicating. It was hot...

[Trieste]

DNA is hot.

[Inkidu]

DNA is hot.

I know... ;)

[The Overlord]

But they have more of them and a greater ease of access. Last time I checked.

They have looser laws, but more of; I'd need to see some hard stats on that, and I know they don't exist outside of permits.

[Trieste]

Go discuss gun control in another thread, por favor.

[Inkidu]

On the note of this letter I found a damn good reply. If just to advocate the devil a tad.

http://www.thenextright.com/michaelturk/dear-blue-states-a-reply-from-the-red-states

EDIT: Now to do the Purple party reply. Hmm.

[The Overlord]

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 % of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

I can live with that.

That's the problem, they actually can live with televangelists and Limbaugh and pay attention to them. Can't claim an intellectual edge in that arrangement. Suckers.

While I will miss the pineapple, I think I speak for my red state family when I say we're ok giving up the wine and stinky cheese.  After all, we still have all the Jack Daniels from Tennesee, all the Coors and Budweiser beer products from Colorado and Missouri

LOL, trust me, Atlanta has such a fixation on cheese that I've long suspected they have an underground treaty with Wisconsin...they'll miss it when the cheese runs out.

It's probably sacrilege for some, but there's plenty of better whiskeys than Jack. I’ll stay with my Jameson and scotch; I don't consider a whiskey worth it unless it goes down smooth straight and Jack goes down about as smooth as NyQuil.

Red staters wouldn’t know a good wine to go with dinner or after dinner if it was broken over their head. If you want to believe Coors and Budweiser products are real beers, by all means, the joke’s on you...

most of America's steak, and all the cigars we can roll with that North Carolina tobacco

You're forgetting about Illinois. For every Red stater that thinks he can make a great barbecue, I'll match that with any steakhouse on Michigan Avenue in downtown Chi-town.

Oh yeah...smoking is bad for you dummy. Good luck with that cowboy…happy lung cancer.

[Oniya]

If you want to believe Coors and Budweiser products are real beers, by all means, the joke’s on you...

And the Blue states will have that convenient border with Canada - and Sam Adams Triple Bock.

Not that I drink beer (give me a good mead any day of the week), but I actually used the line 'He could have coped with the dismissive reactions from every woman in the place if the beer hadn’t reminded him of sex in a canoe.' in a fan-fic.

[Inkidu]

No argument is perfect. *Shrug* See this is the kind of thing. Bickering over little stuff, like who had better whiskey. I hoped submitting the other side of that would let people see how absurd it had gotten. I was wrong. People are just going to bitch because they think they have the right. I could say that all booze tastes like shit, and none of it's good so all states lose out on that. I could say that American cheese blows when compared to anything German, but I prefer to see our country as a whole and not tear down either sides argument because it's from a red or blue state. Which is what is going on in this country. Long live the purple states! As soon as we get some.

I will say this reds had Elvis and the blues killed him. Blues, jazz, and rock and roll.

[The Overlord]

The reality of the situation is that both red and blue states make massive contributions that make up what is still right with America. For that reason I'm not so inclined to start booting out states, as I am to eject people...starting with televangelists and Limbaugh.


Well OK, they can stay as long as they agree to convert to wind power. Limbaugh alone produces enough hot air to power half of Texas.

[Oniya]

And the televangelists can power the other half.   ;D

[The Overlord]

And the televangelists can power the other half.   ;D

Word.

[Inkidu]

Word.

...of the Lord. XD