Telling your family you're pagan

[LtRipley]

If this isn't where this goes, please let me know and I'll move it or have a mod move it.

Basically though, over the last couple years I've gotten more and more involved with the Pagan community and will start going to gatherings with the local Druid Grove next weekend. It might not be my thing, I don't know, but I've basically begun considering myself a philosophical Druid for some time now. The values and customs appeal to me, I've always been very proud of my celtic heritage and I've never really felt like Christianity was a fit for me but I kind of missed the community that church provides. So even if this Grove isn't the right one for me I'll probably still consider myself a Druid.

My family never discusses religion. I was more or less raised Christian but I think my parents (especially my father) figured out pretty early on that my sister and I were not religious. My mother has passed away, so it's just my father now. He's married but my step mom is really laid back and accepting, she's Christian but I don't think she'd give me a hard time or shun me for coming out as a Druid, my sister isn't a big deal either. My dad though... he's not the church going Christian type, but he definitely has that holier than thou, judgmental complex going on. I have only met a few people in my life who were as judgmental as my father and who balked so greatly at anything new or against the norm. Iron considering he's a former hippie and still smokes pot. And there's my aunt, who basically became my mother after my own passed away. She is very church going, good ole southern baptist. Not as judgmental as my dad, but still very... leery of anything she might consider heretical.

Anyway, I don't think I'll be doing it any time, but as my boyfriend and I are becoming more serious and talking marriage, I know that when I get married, whether it's to him or some one else, I won't want a preacher/pastor to preside over the ceremony, any mention of the Christian god or the bible, nothing like that. And if at the time I have come to really embrace the Druid religion, I would like to do it some honor in referencing my personal beliefs. So I would like to talk to my dad and my aunt some before that day so that it's not just sprung upon them and there's a bunch of drama.

I know some of you might say, just make the wedding as neutral as possible. Well, I don't like that idea at all. It's mine and my fiance's (whoever that might be) day, the start of our marriage, and that means that it's half mine and this is something I feel strongly about. I'm not going to have it like a full out Druid ceremony though lol would just like to be able to include some customs and references without feeling like my aunt is going to douse me in holy water, or my dad is going to denounce me. (we've had a bad falling out in the past, which is why we don't talk about religion, he and I don't talk about touchy subjects because we don't want to fight)

I guess I'd like to hear from anyone here on E who are Pagan, Wiccan, Druid, or any of the other old paths, about if or how you've told your family about your choice, especially if yours is like mine, aka southern and religious. Or how you think you might do it. There's no risk of me being kicked out or anything, I live on my own, I'm financially independent so that's not an issue either, I just don't want a huge falling out.

Is it sad/funny that I think my dad and aunt would have a bigger problem with my being Druid rather than just agnostic or atheist?

[The Dark Raven]

Unfortunately, my hubby and I had to compromise what we wanted for our wedding due to his mother.  We wanted a ceremony out in the open that fit our way of worshipping, but instead we had to have the big church society wedding, that made me want to vomit.  All I can say about that is, I got good pictures out of the deal because, by the end, that and the reception decor were all that were left of our original plans (I paid for the photographer, and the reception was put on by my crafty friends from work).

I'd honestly try to find a way to tell the family before the wedding, so they are prepared, but in no way compromise yourself to please them.  Coming from experience, it just dulls the importance of the day, and the magic of it (trying to not step on toes). 

[Valthazar]

I don't have any first hand experience with those religions, but I can give you another perspective.

From what you have described, it seems like your father is already aware that there are some major differences between you and him when it comes to religion.  With that being said, even if he is judgmental, I am willing to bet that he has already made up his mind about you in the past.  Choosing to modify certain traditional elements of a wedding would probably register in his mind as "yet another broken rung in the wheel" rather than as some sort of revolutionary incident that would diametrically alter his existing perception of you. 

I suggest you do what you would like in your wedding, and enjoy the day.  I'm willing to bet that even despite his presumed huffing and puffing of frustration, he will slowly but surely come around when he realizes that everyone else in your family - step mom, sister, etc. - are embracing you, and your new life.

Just remember that you need to be happy first, before you can make others happy.

[LtRipley]

Daylily - Wow, I don't think I could do that. I'd rather have another falling out with my dad than have a big church society wedding. Mine will most likely be outside, and it will certain not by church society. I'm not trying to please my father, honestly he knows that I do just fine without him so if he ever doesn't want to be around he can leave. But I would rather him be there, and I would rather it be something he and my aunt would enjoy as well. My enjoyment is a higher priority, it's not their wedding, but I would like it to be an overall smooth affair, weddings are stressful enough as it is.

And yeah like I said, I'll be talking to them about this well before the wedding. Which probably won't be for another three years or so at the earliest.

ValthazarElite- Like I said to Daylily, my dad's acceptance is optional, not required. I would just like it all to go as smoothly as possible. I'm more asking for advice on how to talk to him about this before wedding plans are even being discussed so when I tell him things like we won't be getting married in a church, we're going to be including some druidic customs and rites, and we're likely going to be married by an ordained member of my Grove, it won't be such a shock to him.

I'm just kind of clueless on how to approach my step mom or him with this, since religion isn't something we talk about... I feel like it would be incredibly awkward to just bring it up but I don't guess there's really any other way

[Chaosfox]

I read your post earlier and after reading your first post again and now you new post I will say this. Now like ValthazarElite I really have no knowledge of the religions though I have friends... Well at least two I am no longer friends whit (and that is more because they were complete asses to me and a friend and had nothing to do with their religion) but I have friends who do various pagan religions and I have looked into them more out of curiosity and wand wanting to understand my friends more. But from reading your post I can  say this., about the only thing you can do it just sit him down and explain to him what you want to do. I can understand you  wanting him to be there but in the end no matter how you approach him about it the only person that can make him come to the weeding when it happens is himself. In the end though he is your dad and you might have had a falling out in the past and telling  him this might  widen it  as a little but surly the fact that you are his girl and IM sure  he would want to be there regardless.

[Oniya]

One sure-fire way to have the wedding go the way you want is to pay for it yourself/selves.  That's the way Mr. Oniya and I handled it, and our parents couldn't make demands on us like 'this hall', 'that preacher', or 'that menu'.  I'd look into the Unitarian churches in your area, both for support in coming out (particularly through their CUUPS groups) and for that 'what if we really have to have it indoors' situation (outdoor wedding + thunderstorm = misery).

[Chaosfox]

One sure-fire way to have the wedding go the way you want is to pay for it yourself/selves.  That's the way Mr. Oniya and I handled it, and our parents couldn't make demands on us like 'this hall', 'that preacher', or 'that menu'.  I'd look into the Unitarian churches in your area, both for support in coming out (particularly through their CUUPS groups) and for that 'what if we really have to have it indoors' situation (outdoor wedding + thunderstorm = misery).

Oh yes this I cant believe I didn't think about that >.<

[Rhedyn]

Hmm, I never really 'came out' to my parents as such, at least not in the sit down and tell them sense.

My Mum knows I'm Pagan though I've never said it directly to her. I have an altar in my kitchen that she sees every time she comes round, she's never asked what it is but has often commented on how pretty it is. She also knows that if I were to marry again I would opt for a handfasting element to it which I approached as explaining to her what meaning such a 'ritual' would have to me. We've also talked about my beliefs in a general sense though not in any great detail unless it specifically comes up in conversation. For me as a Pagan I'm not religious, nor do I follow any religion within Paganism as that's my personal preference. I have beliefs, some of which I share, some of which are far more personal to me and are for me alone.

In my opinion the more you try to go into details about your beliefs and practices the more margin for bad reactions there are. Details are really no-one elses business so before you do it I would advise deciding what/how much you want to share with them. Personally, particularly when dealing with people who could be judgmental, I think that keeping it simple is a good way to go. From there I would answer any questions that the person had as honestly as I could, just as I did with my eldest when she began asking questions about what I was doing, whether I prayed or not and what I believed.

[LtRipley]

Chaosfox - No, I'm pretty sure that unless things just get really bad he'll show up no matter what, even if it's only because my stepmom drags him there by his ear. I'm more worried about having to deal with him being a jerk for it all. My dad never lets things go, he's gotten better about it but I can remember growing up he'd bring up stuff that happened three years ago and still be angry at you about it.

Oniya - No yeah I guess I should have said that my boyfriend and I are planning on covering everything, as much as we can, which is why it isn't going to be for another few years so I can graduate and get a decent job. Otherwise we'd probably be getting married this spring or next fall. I'm sure my dad will want to cover some stuff, but I don't want him covering anything that will give him a say over how something will go. Because he is exactly the kind of person to do that. He's gotten better about that (he's gotten better about a lot of things) but I'm still very skittish of giving him any sort of leverage over my life.

Rhedyn - Thank you, that's actually very help and the kind of advice I'm looking for. I'm not so much worried about the wedding stuff right now with it being so far off, I'm more wanting to hear some advice from people on how I might should approach him or what I should or shouldn't say. Being vague as possible and just letting him or my stepmom ask the questions is a good idea.

Edit: Just had something happen that reaffirms my anxiety about talking to my family about this. I don't want to deal with my dad trying to talk me into becoming a Christian and trying to save my soul and all of that. I love getting "Come to Jesus" talks from random strangers.

[Rhedyn]

You're welcome :) my PM box is always open if you want to chat.

As for the 'Come to Jesus' talks, well from strangers you're going to get that no matter what you do if you're not 'Coming to Jesus', heck I used to get it even when I was a Christian because of the way I dressed! It's possible you may get it from your family, but it's also possible that they may surprise you and be more accepting than you think they will.

I wish you luck and a smooth conversation with your family when/if you approach the topic with them.

[Serephino]

I don't think I can offer any advice, but I do wish you luck.  My mom isn't religious, and just thinks we're crazy. 

[LtRipley]

Thanks Rhedyn, I will definitely keep you in mind

And thank you, as well, Serephino

[Kuje]

I can't really give you any advice except to say that when I changed my faith to paganism, back in the 90's, it was when Barnes and Borders had just really started to put those books on the shelves (and they were usually shelved in with the Christian section). The immediate family really didn't have much problem with it... well, ma didn't but dad and my brother they were, and still are, more of believers in Christian themes and icons so they still think my ma and I are a bit crazy. Laughs.

My grandparents, least on ma's side, were not to thrilled with the idea but over the years, until they passed on, they didn't really say much. If you do look online there's probably some good articles about telling people, like this one for instance:

http://www.witchvox.com/va/dt_va.html?a=caab&c=words&id=15374

Or

http://witchywonderland.blogspot.com/2012/02/coming-out-of-broom-closet.html

[Oniya]

You might ask your grove what books they recommend as resources.  Usually, somewhere in there you'll find a bare-bones explanation of 'What is Druidism' and some FAQs that can help you field the basic stuff from friends and family.  Also, it can help if you don't keep the people in your grove a 'secret' from those around you.  Bonus points if you can get your parents/aunt to meet a few as people before dropping the whole Pagan aspect on them.  That way, your relatives think of them as 'that nice young man/woman we had lunch with' instead of 'that shadowy cult that's brainwashing our Atroxa.'

Or, as one of my friends overheard from some of my female relatives at my wedding:  'We've spent a few hours with these people and they're intelligent, well-spoken and - er - um - ah - fun!'

[LtRipley]

Kuje- thanks for the links! I'll give them a read :)

Oniya - That's a good idea, I'll try to maybe work something like that out. Might not be possible with my aunt, I live in Alabama and she lives in Louisiana (where my family is originally from, we moved here when I was a kid) so I see her about twice a year, she comes over here once and I go over there once. And she's usually only here for a day, so getting her to meet some of my Grove members would be pretty tricky. My dad might be a little easier, but I don't generally bring my friends around my family much. So might take some maneuvering.

Thanks for the advice and ideas guys :)

[Oniya]

Well, talking about them in the most normal way possible can also help.  Put the human factor in, and 'Oniya-the-Pagan' is also 'Oniya-the-mom', 'Oniya-the-crafter', and 'Oniya-with-the-cuddly-kitty.'

[persephone325]

I first came upon Paganism/Wicca when I was in middle school. A group of my friends wanted me to check it out with them, so I did. It was one of the best things that happened to me. Now, I'm the only one who still follows the religion. One is now Christian, the other is a Mormon, and the third is an Atheist. lol

When I brought it up to my mom, she was very receptive to the idea. She even told me that she had fooled around with it when she was younger.

My dad? Oh boy... He was a different story. He thought I worshiped Satan and danced naked in the woods sacrificing animals or something. It really upset me when he would try to drag me to church, and I was even more hurt when he said I was "just going through a phase".

One day, I sat down with a piece of paper and a pen and one of my favorite Wiccan books. I skimmed through it and jotted down all the misconceptions he had about the religion that I could successfully counter with facts. My dad likes facts. Once I sat him down and read the list to him, he was much more accepting of my choice in religion.

Years later, he's still fine with it. But he used to worry that my religion is the reason I cut myself. Had to sit him down for that one as well.

Maybe doing something similar would work for you as well? Maybe not. You never know unless you try, and I'm glad I mustered up the courage to do so. Granted, I was 14 years old back then and standing up to your parents took serious balls. (At least for me it did. Haha.)

[Lilias]

You might ask your grove what books they recommend as resources.

Step One for anyone interested is here. Beyond that, it's really a matter of Grove tradition, especially as there are even non-religious Druid Orders.

[Sethala]

I'm atheist, not pagan at all (though it does intrigue me and I do want to learn more about it), but I have read quite a few stories from other atheists that have the same problem of "coming out" to other, much more religious family members and friends.  So, you might want to check out some atheist sites as well and ask around there about coming out; the advice about "the talk" should be the same even if you're coming out as pagan rather than coming out as atheist.

As for myself, even coming out to my mom (who's mostly not very religious and is pretty calm about things) was very difficult, and it was a huge relief when she just nodded and talked with me about it for a bit.  I still haven't talked to my grandma however, and I plan on putting it off as long as possible as I know she won't take it very well.  It sounds like your dad is someone that would be mostly fine with it though, from what you've said.  As for your aunt, it mostly depends on how much you depend on her and how much you want to avoid hurting her feelings.

[MasterMischief]

No advice, just wanted to offer some more cyberspace support.

[Wajin]

Though in no way Pagan, I faced a similar problem with my muslim side of the family when I came out, both as gay and as Buddhist... on the same day... that was probably not so well planned. Well, before anything else, I took the time to talk to my imam, I'm was a Sunni Muslim at the time even though my non-japanese family is Iranian immigrants who came to Denmark when the Shah fell, he had always struck me as the sort of accepting individual who'd understand. And so he did, he even let me stay in the Mosque, pray with the others. I then went to my family and first told them about me being Buddhist, and while there were certainly objections from my grandfather and my uncles, but they all accepted it when they heard I wasn't doing it out of spite with their religion, that I accepted that there are some truths about Islam that I still find valid, but that the teachings of Buddhism fit me better on a personal level, I felt more at peace spiritually with the Buddhists than I did with the Muslims. It should be said that they were really religious people, went to the Mosque every Friday, they donated the money the Quran dictates to the poor etc. So it wasn't easy, but nothing in life is really easy. I had to tell them, and I knew that if I had a trusted member of our spiritual community who understood me, I'd be more likely to actually go through with it. They've come to terms with that... me being gay... that took a while... a loooong while for them to fully accept...

So my advice is this... find literature, find people and find courage :3 life is hard, we just have to sometimes jump in head first and hope we make it

[GothicFires]

I became pagan when I was 19. Told my dad. He called me stupid so many times I couldn't count. I told him to fuck off, with out using the word fuck. My mom and stepdad thought I was going to hell. I even found Christian propaganda vhs tapes in one of my mom's drawers. I stopped putting up their cloths. I never elaborated or debated what I believed in. Basically 'this is my religion. I will respect your belief if you respect mine."

Honestly it took a very long time for my family to come to terms with it and see that just because I didn't follow their religion that I was not a bad person. For my mom, it was her divorce from my step-dad. But our rule is, we don't discuss religion. Period. We aren't going to agree on that, or politics. So why cause strife by bringing it out in the open.

If you feel the need to tell them, let them know it's not open for debate and you don't need them to change your mind. You have put in the time, thought and soul searching to recognize this is right for you just as they have chosen the path that they wish to follow. If they are cool with it, great. If they are not cool with it then get used to ignoring the elephant in the room.

[Missy]

It sounds to me like you're concerned about him making a scene during the ceremony.

My thoughts, you say he's better than he used to be, three years is a long time, a lot can change in that time and he seems to have established a pattern for doing so thus far. I especially like Oniya's advice about introducing friends from your grove as 'a local fireman' or 'common interest x' or some such. Since you aren't planning your wedding for a few years you have time to establish them as 'normal' people before presenting religion.

I personally wouldn't worry too much about presenting your desires for the manner of your wedding until it becomes that time. That way you can wait and see how he changes over time (you said he's progressed over the years and is better than he used to be) and tailor your presentation to his needs at that time.

I also wouldn't wait until the wedding to drop everything on him either, I mean I wouldn't up and one day say "so I'm having a pagan wedding, also you know my friends? well, they're pagan too . . .", that might not work. I think the fact that you have time means you have the opportunity to present it to him slowly, kind of engineer a positive presentation of it that might work in opening up his mind a bit more that he may be more accepting.

Ultimately I think there's a chance he might not ever open his mind to it at all. In my opinion it depends on whether your more concerned about having him there or having him cause a scene. If it gets to that time and he's made no progress towards opening up -or- made steps backwards, then I would say sit down and have a conversation with him. Express your concerns and ask him to be respectful during the ceremony, or afterwards. This is my personal position, but if it's too much of a concern he'll make a scene I would just not invite him, but that depends on what's important to you.

So those are my thoughts.

[JadeArwen]

I remember when I told my mom that I was a pagan. She didn't take it well at all. Now she is ok with it.

[Sirixen]

As an asatru I feel your pain. As long as you find something that caters to your needs and that you find a sense of community, it doesn't matter what you worship. I was raised christian but find trouble relating to a jewish religion from a foreign land that hails from jewish roots, describes jewish values, and worships a jewish god. I have nothing against christianity or judaism but it is not the religion of my people and as such I find no identity with in. My ancestors died in the name of the son of Odin, thunder god, Asator, and I hope that one day I'll be afforded the opportunity to do the same.