I was right to be guarded

[persephone325]

Yeah. It's another post about my mom.

Right before Thanksgiving, my mom went into a rehab place. Yesterday, we picked her up and brought her home. I was happy. She looked great. Happy and healthy, and she even put on weight. Before she went in, she looked like she was homeless...

That night, we made dinner together. Then, she left... >.< She came back a different person. So yeah. She went drinking.

Tonight, she SAID she went to take care of something with the court. A while after she left, I checked out front and she was sitting in her car. I left her, thinking she just needed to be alone. 10 minutes later, she was gone again.

Around 6:50, there's a knock on the door. The neighbors across the street were at our door. Our mom had fallen asleep at the wheel and was parked on their lawn, and almost crashed into their electrical boxes. They said they tried to wake her, but she wasn't responding.

I swear I think my heart stopped.

She had the doors locked, so we were banging on the windows to get her attention. Eventually, she woke up and got out. We got her into the house, and I thanked the neighbors and apologized. I was really embarrassed. Thankfully, they were understanding and were very worried about my mom and even more so about my brother and I.

I'm so fed up... Tonight was the first night in a while that I thought about cutting myself. Just because I'm so angry and frustrated. It's the first thing I turn to when I start feeling like that.

Spring can't come fast enough... Maybe my dad, brother and I moving out will be the kick in her stubborn ass she needs. If not... She'll probably never get the message.

*flails in a hysterical manner, feeling absolutely insane*

[Silver]

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this, as you know my box is always open.

*hugs tightly*

[persephone325]

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this, as you know my box is always open.

*hugs tightly*

*hugs Silver* You've always been so kind to me. I can't thank you enough for that. ^^ <3

[yugi006]

That is a lot to be dealing with. Sorry to hear about this. Hopefully something can be done about this. If you need me I'm here.

[Rogue]

I'm late... I haven't been around. I'm sorry Seph. I hope that things are starting to get better again.

[Ember Star]

I'm sorry to hear all that, Hun. While I can't say I can completely understand, in a way, I can. My father's a alcoholic (though I've never had a terrible experience with him, never had the chance), and I've dealt with my own personal struggles since I was a child. While I've never cut myself, I can't say I haven't thought about it. I bite myself instead, not enough to do serious damage, but enough to leave a mark. It's my way of coping and not going further. Not hurting myself or others, not breaking things, not screaming, ect. It keeps it at bay for a few minutes, long enough to calm.

While my baseline issues may be different than yours there, as somebody who has dealt with not only my father but other alcoholics in my life, I can still offer some advice on your mother. She is who she is, she would still be this way if you dropped off the face of the earth. You just have to accept her as she is, and maybe cut contact with her if it comes to that. Or at least minimized it (I only talk to my father a couple of times a year and I don't even call him "dad", I call him by his name).

And if she lays blame on you or anybody or anything else, remember, it's her. Alcoholics have a habit of blaming everybody except themselves, they have a inability to accept responsibility.

There's only so much you can do to "help" an addict, they have to have a certain amount of motivation to help themselves before anything will work

[persephone325]

I'd like to thank you guys for your encouragement and comforting words. ^^ I was doing alright, until tonight.

My mom was drunk, of course. And she told me to kill myself, cause she wished I was dead.

Now I know it's the alcohol talking. But that was extremely painful for me to hear. I've heard that drunk words are sober thoughts.

I don't know what to do anymore... I think I've tried just about everything. *sigh* I'm done.

[yugi006]

Woah. I'm sorry to have to hear that. Even if it's the alcohol talking it shouldn't have happened.

We are always here to support you so don't hesitate if you need us. You know my box is always open to you.

[Oniya]

What I've heard is that alcohol makes a person more of who they really are - and in this case, it looks like your mom is an incredibly mean and spiteful individual.  It's possible that counseling might get her past some of that, but (as the old light bulb joke goes), she'd have to want to change, and it doesn't look like she's reached that point.

I'm a little surprised that your neighbors didn't call an ambulance when they found your mother non-responsive earlier, whether they knew her history or not.  Perhaps her going back to the hospital so soon after a course of rehab would have given her doctors a wake-up call.

[IStateYourName]

I've learned a few things in the course of my life about dealing with situations like this.  Of course, in matters of the heart and human psychology, YMMV.  Take what follows as free advice, worth everything you paid for it.

1. You can't make someone change.  Doesn't matter how valid, wise or wonderful the change you want them to make is.  The person has to want to change, and be willing to input the time and energy necessary to make the change.  The person has to care at least as much as you do.  Otherwise, you're beating your head into a wall. 

Once the person reaches that point, sure, you can help.  You can provide resources, a shoulder to cry on, advice, and more.  But until that person reaches that point, anything you do is useless.  In fact, it's worse than useless, because it often shields the person from the consequences of the decisions they make and the lifestyle they live.

2. There's the ethic adhered to be some that being someone's family, being related by blood, gives a person the right to--well, I'm going to be a little crude here, but to the point--that being family gives a person the right to shit all over everyone.  I've never subscribed to that ethic.  In fact, I think being family means one must live by a higher, not lower, standard of conduct.  This should not be confused with helping a family member confront an external threat--in that, yes, be loyal right to the hilt to your blood.  But this situation?  No.  No one has the right to treat you this way, especially someone who is family.  Especially that.

3. That fact that you put up with all this and still care speaks volumes about your qualities as a human being.  You're awesome, with a heart of gold.  Don't let anyone tell you differently, even if you make the hard choice to sever ties with your mother and leave her to face the consequences of her choices on her own.

[ThatOneGuy]

This is so tragic... I wish I had something comforting to say   :'(

If I was in your case I would have just given up by this point. Just do your best to stay strong, and pray you can get something through her stubborn skull. At this point that's all it seems you can do.

Wish you luck