I Thought I Was Done With This

[Mr Self Destruct]

Heartbreak and heartache happen to us all.  We all experience them throughout our lives, moreso when we're younger and don't know any better, but sometimes when we're older and lose those close to us.  When I got married, I thought I was done with heartbreak.  I had the woman I loved.  I was married.  I thought she would be with me for the rest of my life. 

I was wrong.

I was told Monday that she didn't love me anymore, and that she wanted a divorce.  Now, we've had our problems...after being married for five years and being together for three years before that, problems are bound to arise in any relationship.  I was raised to believe that you worked through your problems in a marriage...you don't just turn your back and walk away.  I fought, again and again, to save my marriage, to change my bad habits, to work on my character defects, and to try not to let her own get to me.  The more I think about it, though, the more I'm beginning to realize that it seems like I was the only one who was ever trying to change. 

I think it's easier for her to give up on everything because of her own upbringing.  Her Mother has been divorced twice, and living around that kind of instability makes it easier to accept in your own life.  Whereas my Father has counseled me to do what it takes, no matter what, her Mother has set the example that it's easier to run away than to fix things, and to be honest, it is easier.  I wish I had it in me to just say fuck it and run away.  But I don't.  Even though I know it's done, there's that part of me that just can't give up.  And it's killing me.

I've gone through a lot in my life.  I've suffered through worse than this.  But this hurts more than anything else ever has.  Since I was told about her desire for a divorce this last Monday, I've lost 14 pounds.  Half the time, I'm nauseous, and the other half, I have no appetite from the stress and grief.  I've been barely eating, just enough to get me by, because I have to continue working in order to be able to afford someplace to live once the divorce is final.  I've been keeping up on my fluid intake because it's too damned hot outside not to, but that's been about it. 

To make things even worse, my Grandpa passed away the day after she told me she wanted the divorce.  She's always been there for me when I've lost family members, but this time she wasn't...and it hurt.  I was alone and dealing with so much more crap than I ever thought I would have to on my own.  Thank God that my family was there, and I'm finding out who my true friends are in all of this.  It helps, but I just wish all of this shit would just blow over and be done with. 

[Mithlomwen]

*hugs* 

I'm so sorry. 

[Kuroneko]

*adds more hugs*

My heart goes out to you.

[Beguile's Mistress]

*adds more hugs to the pile*  Somehow we keep on keeping on when the rug is pulled out from under us and we go crashing down.  I hope the days get easier after a while.

[Kevben Battleheart]

*Adds some hugs of his own*

I'm sorry to hear all of this. I wish I had something wise to say to try and console you some, but nothing comes to mind. Like many others though, if you need someone to talk to my PM box is always open.

[Blitzy]

Oh honey... I am so so sorry.

*Offers hugs and a shoulder.*

Always here if you need me.

[Belle33]

I'm sorry this is happening to you.  But, thank you for sharing your feelings and your experience.  You never know who may be helped through your words. 

*hugs*

Hang in there.

[Mr Self Destruct]

Thanks, everyone.  Pain is something we can all understand.

It's been a week now since I've gotten the news, and a week since my grandpa has died.  My grief is slowly turning to anger.  Anger has been easier to deal with, thankfully.  I'm not so much sad that I'm losing her now as I am fucking furious because of what she's done to me.  As far as I'm concerned, she's betrayed my trust.  No, she didn't cheat on me, but she took vows...and 'til death do us part' is pretty fucking serious.  She's put a knife through my heart and one in my back, and for what?  Because she wants to be alone?

Something she said to me really summed all of this bullshit up for me...she posted on her Facebook page that she was having an emotional week...Ha!  I asked her what the hell she had to be emotional about, and her response was, 'Because I hate having to hurt you but it's the only way I can be happy'.  She didn't realize it, but she summed up the entirety of our marriage...everything has always been about her, for her, or because of her.  She's a textbook narcissist and can't understand why I'm angry with her, like she just expected me to get over it in a week after spending eight years of our lives together.

What was love is quickly becoming hatred.  I can't stand to look at her.  I can barely talk to her without becoming a dick.  And I feel entirely entitled to my attitude.  She doesn't seem to have any remorse and she's going about her life, visiting with friends and family like nothing has fucking happened.  She doesn't care that she's destroyed what I thought our marriage was.  I thought she would be with me for the rest of my life, but instead it seems she was only interested in being with me when it was convenient for her.

[Miss Lilly]

You know my thoughts and feelings on this, honey.  Be strong.  It will improve. And you know you deserve better than this. It may not feel like it at the moment, but you will get through it, I promise.

You know where I am. Call me when you need.

*huuuugs*
Love you.

[Bruja]

*leaves hugs* Sending strength and love to you darlin....

[Secretwriter]

I just now came across this…

D… I'm sorry, man. I'm so sorry. *hugs tightly* I hope that things might have gotten better in the past few months.

[Toral Stimins]

I wish you good luck. I've just come from a split/separation (and subsequent house sale and the whole lot), so I have an inkling as to how you must feel. I am taking small steps at the moment. One day at a time.