Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View

[Imogen]

some days dealing with depression is just going from one day to another. And when that doesnt work, from one hour to the next. It shall pass. It always does. I know that now, and in knowing this I find strength.

[SaturnCeleste]

some days dealing with depression is just going from one day to another. And when that doesnt work, from one hour to the next. It shall pass. It always does. I know that now, and in knowing this I find strength.

Very true!  Speaking from my own experience, I believe in meds.  I've been on them now for two years and swear by them (I take mine at night before bed).  I was off from them a few months ago because I needed to get a new doctor and my partner could barely work with me but once I got back on my prescription, I stabilized.  Knowing you're not alone helps, hugs help and keeping your mind busy helps as well but when that spiral effect takes over and you feel there is no bottom, please, get some help.  You'll be glad you did.  ;)  Everyone is important and every life has meaning, don't let depression take that away from you because there is always someone out there to talk to you and understand what you're going through!

[Adammair]

Very true!  Speaking from my own experience, I believe in meds.  I've been on them now for two years and swear by them (I take mine at night before bed).  I was off from them a few months ago because I needed to get a new doctor and my partner could barely work with me but once I got back on my prescription, I stabilized.  Knowing you're not alone helps, hugs help and keeping your mind busy helps as well but when that spiral effect takes over and you feel there is no bottom, please, get some help.  You'll be glad you did.  ;)  Everyone is important and every life has meaning, don't let depression take that away from you because there is always someone out there to talk to you and understand what you're going through!

I don't believe in meds, although I have been on some for several years, now. And they do help. I fear to think where (or if) I would be, without them. I couldn't have said it better, Celeste, so I'll let you say it. :-)

[ausyandy]

*sigh* Right now, I just want everything to be over, done, finished. I've had enough of the stress of living life, and I feel worthless...like I'm a waste of space, and breathing air that could be useful to someone else. I know...or at least hope...that this will pass, but in the grip of depression, I don't see a way out. I have no energy, nor the motivation, to do something that might make me feel better, like exercising, because of the fear that it will hurt, since I haven't exercised in quite some time.

I can't even find the words to express what I'm going through right now, this feeling of complete and overwhelming hopelessness.

I am at the point of giving up, and just laying somewhere out of the way for the next several days until I die of thirst or hunger, whichever comes first. I don't know what to do.

This post sums up almost exactly how I've been feeling for the past few months. At this point it's like I'm just waiting for things to somehow come to an end, even wishing that it would. I actually try to avoid posting in this thread because it just forces me face how I feel and makes me really think about it even though I'd rather not, and it breaks me. I simply can't handle thinking about how I feel about my life, what sort of future I doubt I have to look forward to, and about how terribly lonely I am. The deeper I dig the worse it gets, and I just lose it. But right now I just think I need to vent a bit...

Some people may have even seen these posts in adult socialising section a few weeks ago:

My Current Status: Depressed. Miserable. Lonely. Sad. Angry... I could go on...
I feel like I'm at the end of my rope, but it keeps getting longer. At the very bottom of a very deep hole, but it keeps getting deeper. People walk by but no-one will stop and pull me out. Won't so much as throw down a rope. Like it's too much effort to even show any interest. After years and years of this so-called 'life', I struggle to see the point in it all, it's just dragging on and on, and I know the end is coming. It's only a matter of time - time I just can't stand any more. What's another year, another month, another week. What's it all worth when just getting through another day is so difficult...

Everything makes me feel negative in some way. Even good things, especially good things, because I'm constantly reminded that I don't have the good things in my life that everyone else seems to have... A partner, great friends (or any friends at all for that matter), job, a fun or interesting life, goals or even an exciting future to look forward to, etc...

My outlook on life is getting worse and worse. I don't really care about anything any more. And it's like I don't want to get help (not that I could afford any if I wanted to). I've well and truly lost any hope that I will be genuinely happy one day. Or (being only 21) if I'll have a future that will make all the pain now and over the past six years seem somehow almost worth it.

Lately I have completely lost all interest in food, the very thought of eating pretty much makes me feel sick. I only eat one meal a day now, and on some days I just don't bother eating anything at all... I used to be able to relax a bit with some of my favourite tv shows to take my mind off things, but now it's like I'm watching people (even if they're not real) that have everything I never will. Friends, love, etc. It just reminds me that I have absolutely nobody, and how terribly miserable I really am... I dread, yes dread, going to bed every night because ending a day just starts another, and when the morning comes around I have no reason or desire to get up at all.

Now I often find myself feeling resentment of people in relationships or with friends, and extremely envious of people who are enjoying and getting a lot out of life. I also have a hard time feeling happy for someone when something good happens to them. Negative things I see have a pretty huge effect on me, while positive things don't at all - I can't see positive things for what they are any more.

((This all-new low I've arrived at is (I think) because I met a guy at the end of last year. A guy I quickly took a liking to. I thought I met this great guy that I get along amazingly well with, someone that actually enjoyed being with me when we met up. A couple of fun months later he went overseas and I basically didn't hear from him again until six months later and we are still trying to arrange to meet up again around his apparently-hectic busy life as a uni student. This has been messing with my mind big time. I'm sooooo into him, and still can't stop thinking about him (all day every day for months) even though I haven't seen him for so long. I'd give anything to have some kind of relationship with him, even though I'm sure it's not an option (for him, for whatever amount of bullshit reasons or things I don't know about about him). I wish I'd never met him at all, it's really thrown my depression into a completely new kind of miserable.))

Kinda went on a bit, but I just needed to get it out, somewhere, just so somebody knows how I feel.

I feel like this depression is ripping me apart like never before. And while it destroys me, I'm slowly turning into a horrible and bitter person, and I don't like it but at the same time I don't really care that much any more. I just wish it would end so the pain I'm feeling will finally stop...

:'( :'( :'(

[Oniya]

*invokes the LGHM*

I know I'm something like twelve time zones away, and my arms are only normal length, but I'm sending hugs your way. 

[Zandra]

Your sig quote says a lot Oniya  ;)

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles. -  Charlie Chaplin

[Oniya]

One of the reasons I chose it.  ;)  Poke the link opposite it.  I think it says a lot, too.

[Night Stalker]

Stops by to leave Good Thoughts and Hugs for all.

[Adammair]

*Accepts a hug, only the smallest one, leaving the largest ones for those who really need them (and aren't disgraces and failures, like himself) :'( *

[Oniya]

Hugs are one size fits all, and no one minds if you return them.

[Sophyta]

I share and know about this subject.  Some days are good and some days are just so down that I don't even want to get out of bed.  Tried to cheer myself up with happy thoughts on some days that are not so down but that does not work.  The 'demons' that I have keep on popping up in my head and they sometimes stay for a while. About 20 years or so, I have been living with it.

*Lots of hugs and kisses to those who need it.*

[CelticWings]

So the bottom fell out from under me today, and I learned again that rock bottom is never rock bottom, and now I've hit that point of depression where you're just numb to everything and nothing matters at all, not even that you're typing a run on sentence because it's how you feel and it's really the only way to get out what you want to say.

-sighs heavily and hides in a dark little cave-

[Sybl]

*Accepts a hug, only the smallest one, leaving the largest ones for those who really need them (and aren't disgraces and failures, like himself) :'( *

You are none of those my friend, no matter what you are going through, or other people's thoughts about you, this is not who or what you are. For those who matter, don't mind our oddities that make us who we are, inside and out, the person I know as my friend, Adammair, that's you is far more deserving of the largest of *Hugs*

[Sybl]

I share and know about this subject.  Some days are good and some days are just so down that I don't even want to get out of bed.  Tried to cheer myself up with happy thoughts on some days that are not so down but that does not work.  The 'demons' that I have keep on popping up in my head and they sometimes stay for a while. About 20 years or so, I have been living with it.

*Lots of hugs and kisses to those who need it.*

Leaves off *hugs* for Sophyta.

So the bottom fell out from under me today, and I learned again that rock bottom is never rock bottom, and now I've hit that point of depression where you're just numb to everything and nothing matters at all, not even that you're typing a run on sentence because it's how you feel and it's really the only way to get out what you want to say.

-sighs heavily and hides in a dark little cave-

Leaves off *hugs* for CelticWings

[Chaosengine]

Thirty five years and I still haven't figured out this puzzle called life. It seems I'm always alone, with only myself to blame for it. Why am I still here? What am I hoping for? I do not know...

[Sybl]

Thirty five years and I still haven't figured out this puzzle called life. It seems I'm always alone, with only myself to blame for it. Why am I still here? What am I hoping for? I do not know...

Welcome Chaosengine.

I do not think we will ever truly figure out life. Maybe we are all here for a sense of belonging to something greater than we understand. I do not know. I have found new friends in this thread. PMs are welcome to just say hello, hey I need a hug, or maybe you (anyone) just wants to vent. We share good times, sad times and dark times here.

*Leaves hugs for you and anyone who wants one*

[Night Stalker]

Lots of Good Thoughts and Hugs for all.

[Silver]

Here's my on going story with depression:

(I apologize I'll be jumping around a good bit and being pretty personal with this...)

I'm the youngest of three and the only girl; my brothers are 12 years and 7 years older than myself.

I don't know my father and I believe that has led to many issues that I seem to have with men.

When I was six years old my oldest brother was finishing high school and I was just finishing kindergarten, then he suddenly disappeared without much warning. I was confused so much he was like my father in a way, always watching me, taking care of me then suddenly he and my mother kept fighting and fighting and he disappeared. From ages 6-9 my other brother was getting in all types of trouble threatening to kill my mother and my, doctors believed him to just be rebelling. "Oh he's just acting the way any young black man acts at this age."

So many times my mother would wake me up and sneak me out of the back door, into a friend's car to their house for the night, the longest time was a whole three days then a whole week. I was starting to believe that she didn't love me, that he was the only person in our family that mattered. He had his father my other brother knew his father, why couldn't they help, I only had her why couldn't she see that.

During that time my brother was finally labeled with having schizophrenia. It changed everything, it really did.

When I was 9 my mother met a man who was around 12 years younger than her, I didn't understand it. I didn't understand the mixed relationship. She was black and he was white. I didn't understand it but i didn't speak up. They would get married and be happy for a period of time. We moved into a house from the apartment I had known my whole life, age 2 to 10 I had lived there, it was my home, my neighborhood all being taken away from me.

Middle school would come and I was depressed, beyond depressed. I dressed like a guy, listened to Nirvana, tried to escape, called a white girl, told to act my race for once in my life, that I would never be good enough to be black as i was and never pretty enough to be the white girl that I longed to become. I smoked when I could get my hands on cigarettes, began abusing over the counter medications. I was going downhill pretty quickly, things came to a head when I was in 7'th grade. In science class we were asked to write a memoir, I wrote about how I would kill myself if my mother and step father had a child. I would no longer be the youngest, I would be ignored and forgotten. Mostly I was tired of being bullied and pushed each and every day. My mother was called, when we got home she beat me for embarrassing her for writing lies and trying to get attention as always. Then she was diagnosed with cancer of the uterus, I thought that I had caused it, wishing for her to not have anymore children. I was filled with so much guilt..so much that I tried to clean up my act. My oldest brother began coming around a bit more but to this day we don't have a very good relationship.

8'th grade came and my middle brother had finished high school, stopped taking his meds so he was asked to leave the house. One night he came to get his things. I went in the basement as soon as I heard the screaming begin between him, my mother and stepfather. Then things began breaking, I ran upstairs to find it just beating my mother as my step father pulled him off of her and threw him out of the house. We had this huge door made of mostly glass, my brother took the table and threw it through the door i was standing only three feet away, if i had been any closer... that was beyond scary, the next day I was sent to school as if nothing happened. It was all about him, my mother and my step father. I never seemed to matter.

I finished 8'th grade, my brother was still off his meds and had been arrested for hitting a woman over the head with a glass bottle, claiming she was working with 'Venom' (the character from spiderman) he was also talking about taking me with him to Florida. That was the nail in my coffin. I was sent away for 2 weeks to check out a boarding school, I came home September 6'th 2001, my flight had been bummed up from September 11, 2001. That day has haunted me each and every year, I keep wondering what would I have done for three days, no money, no phone knowing no one at age 14, what the hell could I have done, would my mother have even cared. I got my answer when i got back I was kept home until November, during that period my cousin passed away. Early November I was sent away to boarding school for a year. My mother didn't write me or call me for 2 months after I left.

I came back home during the summer of 2002, no plans were made about me and school but finally she had a new job in early 2003 and I was sent to my high school; all girl catholic. I was beyond unhappy my first few months there, my credits hadn't transferred so I was a freshman all over again. I was also wanting to die again, I told someone who I thought I could trust this, the school kicked me out until I get a mental examination... my mother was beyond angry with me...

The rest of the time was uneventful minus my acting out, taking drugs, finding my soul sister in a way, drinking, finding a quick way to make money by selling drugs at school. Then everything came crashing down.

It was the end of my sophomore year, I was 17. I came home, all of my step father's things were gone. He had left my mother, I knew it was coming. He was starting to get jealous that I was getting more attention than he. My mother had hit him a few times, he had been out of work for months and refusing to get a job. Everything came to a head after he left, our house was being foreclosed on, he had not done a thing for over a year and my mother hadn't known. We moved out on her birthday, I remember she was beyond angry that day.

We got a tiny apartment and things started getting worse. I would smoke, not do homework, not care about anything save for the few friends that I actually had. I had a friend that i had kept touch with for years online, we finally decided to meet. He came during Christmas break my Junior year then again during my spring break which also was my birthday. The day I turned 18 he asked me to marry him, i said yes. He visited again that august, I ended up going to the hotel with him and never went home. He left, I went to a friend's for a few days then her mother took me home, was shocked at what she found, boxes everywhere, trash everywhere, the things that I kept hidden from others, the fact that my mother was smoking illegal stuff. Friend's mother told me to grab some clothes and things and took me to another friend's parent's home, they were friends of my mother for over twenty years, a bit of religious nuts, she wouldn't leave me there, took me home with her. My 'fiance' sent me a bus ticket to him 1,600 miles away, I went, dropped out of school my second day on Senior year(My biggest regret) and didn't speak to my mother for 4 long months.

During that time when i wasn't speaking to her, I got married, settled into his parent's house, tried to get used to married life at age 18 when I realized it wasn't working at all. Always worrying I wasn't good enough, pretty enough why he had chosen me a black girl rather than an Italian one, someone within his own race. I was going to ask for an out; then found out that I was pregnant. That threw me into a depression that I didn't break until my daughter Mini-Me was three months old.

My pregnancy was horrible, my mother in law was making jokes; "Oh make sure you name the baby something we can pronounce" and talking on the phone referring to me as that 'Bitch Nigga', I took to staying in my room 24/7 until I finally went into labor. After my daughter was born things began getting worse. During that time I was speaking to my mother again, it seemed like she had changed a bit, she came to see me and witnessed first hand how they were treating me how they treated her while she stayed in their home. Going out to dinner and not inviting her, calling her off handed racist names. I couldn't take it. I left days after Christmas, my husband decided to come with me...he never should have come with us.. we should have gotten divorced then and there...

----

Now it's six years later, I've been battling depression for years now. I close off from my friends from time to time, rather being left alone to write, to wallow alone in silence. I've gotten divorced, to the point where I hate him but respect him for how we can still work together for the sake of our daughter. I've had another relationship(that started while I was still legally married) that is most likely very unhealthy..I'm convinced that I am in love with this person when they have not shown me any of the same feelings in return. Always on and off, and these fights, the depression that comes with that, wanting to die but not having the guts to do anything but just cry..

I've dealt with 4 family deaths in the past 4 years, each one more heartbreaking than the last, the very last being my grandmother, the only person from my family who I spoke too after I had left and got married, she sent me my things..gave me money.. was actually there..always had faith in me, believed that I would do something amazing...and she's just gone....

At times I randomly just cry, I feel so misunderstood by family and friends. I'm just depressed, I can hide it well enough...at least I think that I do...

I really don't know why I am writing this, exposing myself to the world at large...I have this fear that it will change people's impressions of me, the always trying to be happy quiet enough Silver, into this ball of depression..this girl who will never know her self worth.. I'm just scared of disappointing even more people..

[Strangler]

Wow Silver. You've certainly had it tough. Love and hugs your way.

I've been through nothing compared to a lot of you here. But I do know depression.

My two cents are that no matter how it seems, no matter what you think the problem or the cause is, you should consider whether actually the depression came first and that you just tried to pin problems onto it afterwards.

It's normal to think that if you solve certain things in your life that the depression will go, but that's not how it usually works. It's certainly not how it worked for me.

I'm a very lucky, privileged guy who by all rights shouldn't have a care in the world, but I used to suffer breakdowns precisely when things were at their best. Turned out I had had generalized anxiety disorder since I was 15, which meant that my anxiety and stress levels were through the roof. Simple things like hanging out with nice people was literally the stress equivalent of going to my final exam without having prepared. I didn't realize this until recently. Now I think no wonder that my self-esteem was shot to pieces. No wonder I had panic attacks. No wonder everything hurt. I used to feel so guilty and worthless for being a rich white kid with everything, but couldn't appreciate any of it. I wondered constantly what was wrong with me. How could I be so ungrateful. I raged at my family for making me promise never to ever even think about killing myself (my extended family had seen a devastating suicide). I was sure that they would be better of without me, the parasite.

Luckily for me I'm OK now. After pressure from my family I went onto anti-depressants and responded insanely well to the medication, in that it vanquished my underlying anxiety and with that gone the co-morbid depression vanished too. I'm still having to pick through the rubble of nearly a decade of low self-esteem, but at least I'm on the mend. It all could have been much worse.

[Remiel]

*Huge hugs for Silver*  Silver, you are an amazing woman for having survived all that you have.  I very sincerely hope that life sends some happiness your way.

Chaosengine, I know exactly how you feel.   It seems like I'm keeping afloat, treading water, but I'm either too lazy or too fearful to move forward.

[Athos]

Chaosengine, I know exactly how you feel.   It seems like I'm keeping afloat, treading water, but I'm either too lazy or too fearful to move forward.

I'm right there with you guys. Lately all I feel like I'm doing is trying to keep my head above water.

[Sybl]

*Dealing with depression, asking when will it end?*

*Leaves hugs for everyone, and leaves good thoughts*

[Imriel]

Sybl, Athos, Silver and everyone else-

Thank you for sharing your stories and the fact that you're struggling. Depression is such a horrible, terrible thing. Something I wouldn't wish on anyone. I struggle with it too and some days it feels like just drawing the next breath and continuing to exist is the toughest battle.

I found a video of this amazing poem and even though it's labelled for Anxiety I think it applies pretty well to depression or any mental illness. Hopefully it'll give a laugh and some strength.

Catalina Ferro performs "Anxiety Group"

Remember that you all are warriors fighting a battle that goes unseen. The strength to do so day-in and day-out is by far, amazing by itself.

[uncletuku]

You know...I had problems with depression for most of my teen years...I am currently a socially chalanged 26 year old because I never got to go out and learn how to be social in my teens. You see my parents are both drug additcs and I decided at some point around 13 that I had to "Fix" them. So I tried and I tried and I screamed at them and I cried and poured pills down the drain for near a decade before finally my dad came around....My mother did not and I do not expect her to but....It was at the time....just before my dad woke up after losing his job that I was thinking about suicide....I had a gun ready to go and just had to pull the trigger....

Something clicked before I pulled the trigger though...something in my head, in the way that I am wired stopped me and made me drop the clip and disarm the weapon .  My mind screamed at me FUCK THAT  I thought to myself that if I killed myself then I would never get better...quite literally and suddenly that gun made no sense to me. I spent an hour removing the rounds from the clip very slowly with music playing in my headphones. I took them...the bullets, the gun, and the clip and wrapped them up in an old piece of cloth and put that gun up on a shelf and told myself that I would not get that deep anymore.  I made a promise to myself that I would not do the things, worry about the things(to much), or allow other people to do the things that brought me down into those dark places where that gun looks appetizing anymore. I stopped trying to fix my parents and focused on what I liked. It was then that I found good food, re connected with high school friends who had thought I had died (If they only knew how close I came) Got into DnD....No meds...no psychologist and I ...over a year or so .... fixed my own depression and kept it away.

I am not typing this to tell you that you dont need the Psychologist....I am not saying that you do not need the meds....My situation cant possibly be the same as any of yours any more than my fingerprint can but. I am typing this to let you know....that there can be an end to it my friends....It can be a long hard road out of hell but the happiness can come back...Hang in there....keep telling people about how you are feeling and tell the rest of the world who looks down on you to fuck off.  I wish I had a place like this when I was working through my demons...I am happy to help you work through yours!

Have a great day!
Tuku

[Athos]

Happy New Year my lovelies! Love you all!