Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.

[HairyHeretic]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peter-samuelson/britain-is-repossessing-t_b_127884.html



A Message adapted and updated from Mr. John Cleese:

To the Citizens of the United States of America:

In light of the strong possibility you are about to elect an elderly gentleman with a bad temper and a lady who thinks she can run foreign policy because she can see Russia from her house as President and President-In-Waiting of the USA and thus to risk Life As We Know It for everyone else on the Planet, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy). She won't actually be in charge, but she'll greet foreign leaders as necessary and not put her foot in it or vomit on anyone at a state dinner.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. You aren't very good at elections, and unlike the ATM's from the same manufacturer, your voting machines don't give receipts. So Prime Minister Brown will instead choose someone who does not have his or her hand in the till and has significant experience in running Big Things. You have not had one of those for almost a decade and trust me, it is a big plus. And there won't be any of that hanging chad nonsense and the three hour wait for voting while poor or black.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. They have given away too much of your money already to rescue incompetent business executives and soon your American Dollars will resemble Zimbabwean Dollars in total worthlessness. There is no free lunch you know. Although we originally let you get away with secession because King George was robbing you blind, recent events demonstrate that your present leaders are doing much worse things and unfortunately you have not noticed.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether more than half of you still believe Saddam Hussein was behind 9/11. Information to the contrary will again be provided by the rest of the world and we request you read it this time and refrain from invading the wrong country ever again if you possibly can.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary").

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. But we have a lot of Bank Holidays you will enjoy instead. In our country we still have several banks.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline), roughly $9 per US gallon. Get used to it. Your driving armoured cars to buy groceries is unnecessary, boorish and killing the planet.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. And the term Freedom Fries will not be used in future. Lets remember the French were right and you were wrong, though it pains me to say so.

11. We will require that people running things, like your government, are at least moderately competent and not related by blood or bribes to those who benefit from their decisions. We know it makes you more cozy when your leaders know as little as you do, but, honestly, it is short sighted: you need doctors who know more about medicine, pilots who know more about flying and leaders who know more about leading.

12. We respectfully request you give up this notion that Politics is Entertainment, and that very complicated things have to be explained to you in less than fifteen seconds. If you wanted to have a democracy, honestly, you really should have taken the time to understand things a bit before you voted. May I suggest the startling notion that politicians don't need to look good to do a good job? And it really is acceptable if they are a bit boring, so long as they do their homework. It's especially important as evidently you have not done yours. Poor old Al Gore and John Kerry. And by the way, are you happy now that you chose a Governor for California based on his teeth?

13. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth -- see what it did for them.

14. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

15. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby -- the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

16. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first in their country. The seven out of ten who don't own a passport will need to get one first.

17. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

18. An Internal Revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). Although this will raise your taxes, remember that the Neoconservatives will no longer be robbing you blind and so your Dollars will stop shrinking. Didn't you know that inflation and government bailouts of huge companies were really paid for by you? We must do something about your educational system. What on earth is going on over there? Are you oblivious to the crushing debt you are leaving your children? You might as well throttle them now.

19. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God Save the Queen. At least God won't instruct your President to invade any more wrong countries.

Adapted from John Cleese.

[Jefepato]

16. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

::)

[Inkidu]

Queen Lizzy can take America if she can take me in three rounds of the sweet science. I don't think so. And yes I would beat the bejeezus out of the queen of England. If it's to protect my messed up country.

[ShrowdedPoet]

I thought this was positively brillant and hilarious!  It gave me a good laugh!!!

[Wistful Dream]

~gigglefit~ OMG that was great.

[brazenvamp]

Oh my lord...that was outrageously brilliant.  And yes I am English as you can see by my use of the letter "u".

I would also like to add that the word "herb" Has a fricking "H" at the beginning and should be pronounced as such!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry that is my pet hate. That and the incorrect use of the past tense I keep hearing in my local neighbourhood.  The sentences starting "we was going" are driving me to distraction!!!

But before I get pelted with stuff, I don't agree with all of it!!! *giggles for an age!*

[ahuramazdobbs]

I liked this one better when Tony Blair was the prime minister. ;)

[Inkidu]

Anyone who makes me drink tea will be put in the hospital (British translation: in hospital. Sorry couldn't resist.) I hate the taste of it.

[Vekseid]

This is getting old. My response is always the same.

You and what army?

[Inkidu]

This is getting old. My response is always the same.

You and what army?

Let's look at the track record while we're at it.

The War of Colonial Secession, America one; Britain zero.

The War of 1812, America two; Britain zero.

And if you're going to try to sue us, we have a whole law firm propagated by Jumpin' Johny Cochran, and that legendary Chewbacca Defense. You've been forewarned.

[Oniya]

Oh my lord...that was outrageously brilliant.  And yes I am English as you can see by my use of the letter "u".

I would also like to add that the word "herb" Has a fricking "H" at the beginning and should be pronounced as such!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry that is my pet hate. That and the incorrect use of the past tense I keep hearing in my local neighbourhood.  The sentences starting "we was going" are driving me to distraction!!!

But before I get pelted with stuff, I don't agree with all of it!!! *giggles for an age!*

I thought this was funny after Chadgate, when it first showed up.

'We was going' drives me crazy too.  As does using the word 'axe' as a verb when homicide or lay-offs aren't the topic of discussion.

But what I want to know is:  If this happens, is it okay to smoke a fag because I'm mad about my flat?

[The Overlord]

LOL, fracking hilarious, as with All Things Cleese, but are you sure you really want it back? Undoubtedly big government, business, and religion have screwed it up something fierce.


1. Actually...despite having watched tons of BBC programming, I'm still trying to figure out how you Brits derive that extra syllable in aluminum. Every time I turn the word over, I keep getting just four.  :-\


2. I'm keen on that. The language tends to be more eloquent when spoken by those who invented it. Perhaps the country would be a little happier and brighter if it's in colour.  ;)


3. Agreed wholeheartedly.


5. I believe a national video game system for all should be enforced. A healthy session of PvP to settle issues would make the world a better place.


6. Ah, but Americans have always been inventive. The country that landed men on the moon, split the atom, and brought you the internet could find many ways to injure/kill you with a vegetable peeler.  Are you sure? :P


7. Modern US autos for certain, but let me show you all our collector cars from the 1960's and back....they will stuff your little German cars.  ;D


9. Cool, I have been considering buying a bicycle anyway.


10. I must admit I've always gone with the UK/Canadian mindset here; I hate catsup, Freedom Fries was a terrible marketing ploy in true capitalism that watered down the word freedom even more than our beer, and whatever you call them, you shouldn't be eating them without malt vinegar.


12. Agreed, I have always felt a boring session of Congress on C-Span would be a lot better if they all wore wigs like Parliament. Hell, if wigs can make a session of crusty homely old Englishmen better, I imagine it will work for us too.  ;)


13. Hear hear! And I insist you start shipping it now. Maybe the NASCAR crowd will finally figure out the joke they've been calling Budweiser. Don't forget the Guinness.


14. ROFLMFAO...too true. But you must keep Johnny Depp, he speaks the language better than some of you do.


15. North American football is boring anyway...I concur.


16. ROFL


19. Hell yeah, and don't forget to tell the Scots to bring shortbread too.

[brazenvamp]

. Actually...despite having watched tons of BBC programming, I'm still trying to figure out how you Brits derive that extra syllable in aluminum. Every time I turn the word over, I keep getting just four. 

Because we spell it Alumin-I-um, hence the extra syllable  ;D

[Oniya]

13. Hear hear! And I insist you start shipping it now. Maybe the NASCAR crowd will finally figure out the joke they've been calling Budweiser. Don't forget the Guinness.

*holds out for the mead and hard cider*

[brazenvamp]

*holds out for the mead and hard cider*

ooooh I wish it would travel, my friend makes the most beautiful mead I have ever had the pleasure of tasting.  Slips down far too easily, especially at Larp events. :) 

[Trieste]

Let's look at the track record while we're at it.

The War of Colonial Secession, America one; Britain zero.

The War of 1812, America two; Britain zero.

And if you're going to try to sue us, we have a whole law firm propagated by Jumpin' Johny Cochran, and that legendary Chewbacca Defense. You've been forewarned.

I wouldn't crow too loudly. The Canadians, who were still British at the time, burned the White House.

Twice.

*scuffs feet and shrugs a little, then wanders off, head hanging*

[Lilias]

Because we spell it Alumin-I-um, hence the extra syllable  ;D

Which is exactly how the word derives from the original Greek.

[Sabby]

She already tried... didn't you see South Park? XD she hired russian terrorists to hide a suitcase nuke in Hilary Clintons snizz.

[Caeli]

I loved this. xDD

[Inkidu]

I wouldn't crow too loudly. The Canadians, who were still British at the time, burned the White House.

Twice.

*scuffs feet and shrugs a little, then wanders off, head hanging*

Yeah but I think we can all agree those White Houses sucked. XD

Oh and for anyone's interest the War of 1812 was called the War of Jenkins's Ear by the English.