Dealing with Trauma: first hand experience with Love, Loss, and Rebirth.

[Aemirys]

Dealing with Trauma:
first hand experience with
Love, Loss, and Rebirth.

16 JANUARY 2012

contained herein....

I always find it difficult starting. I thought I would give a brief introduction and explain what you might find sequestered within these pages.

The title "Dealing with Trauma: first hand experience with Love, Loss and Rebirth" succinctly explains the predominant themes of this blog and I must give credit where credit is due and thank Rolo for his perfect title suggestion.

I plan on using this space to explore and reflect upon my experiences, thoughts, feelings and insights surrounding the motorbike accident I was involved in and how it completely and irrevocably changed my life.

Whilst some things from my past may come up to help expand on current thoughts/feelings/experiences I don't intend to spend a great deal of time reflecting on events prior to the accident. At least that is my present intention, this will always be in an evolving form.

Suffice it to say that the thoughts/feelings/experiences/insights I share within this space will be of a candidly honest nature. For my own healing and reasons I need to be completely open about my experiences* so be forewarned.

Whilst I do sincerely hope others find my journey interesting, perhaps even helpful, first and foremost this is a therapeutic tool for me. In saying that I do welcome any comments or questions you may have.

If the content ever requires warnings/disclaimers/spoilers I will endeavour to use them when ever applicable.

Also being graphically inclined this space will undoubtedly and repeatedly be subjected to and subjugated to my graphical nature.

And with such an indemnifying preamble I feel that I'm spending far to much time with my lawyer.


*Personal and identifying information exempt of course.

[Aemirys]

17 JANUARY 2012

the story thus far....

You'll have to forgive me if the following feels rather stiff and comes out sounding as though I'm reciting it verbatim et literatim, I have had to recount the following so often that I have become desensitised to it. I've managed to boil it down to the barest facts, there is more to add but to get the ball rolling I'll start with my usual monologue when reciting events.

It was on one fateful evening, March 2010, whilst on a motorbike, although in this instance I was riding pillion, that life as I knew it was to be irrevocably changed forever. Not five minutes from home on our way to the video store when a car hit us from the side. My fiancé, a man I had lovingly shared my life with for seven years, died on impact and I was left with catastrophic injuries.

I fractured...

- two vertebrae, the C5 and T1

- left scapula/shoulder blade.

- left clavicle/collar bone.

- about 14 ribs or so.

- right tibial plateau/shin bone below the knee.

Any cartilege I have left in either of my knees is just wishful thinking on my part.

I had a hematoma the size of a large watermelon on my right thigh. All the muscle, tendons, sinew where ripped from the bone and just floating around. Considering I wasn't wearing leathers, in fact all I was wearing was a singlet and and some thin pants (plus helmet). I had a lot of exposed skin going on but I didn't loose as much at all. What was lost they replaced and now you can even tell where I old skin starts and where the new skin begins.

I was lucky if the break in the C5 had gone all the way through I would have been left a quadriplegic. The C5 is roughly where your neck meets your shoulders just to give you an idea. The T1 is a bit lower. But basically you don't really want to mess with anything up in your spinal cord

The piece de resistance.... I lost 10cm from my right femur... like I mean clean gone nothing left...

What they did next is pretty amazing, it's only the second time they had preformed this surgery and because of my age and overall good health I was an ideal candidate to test this procedure out on. This would be just one surgery out of many which is why I suppose they needed a fit healthy candidate so they could withstand the trials ahead....

To date I have had about 12 major surgeries as well as a few other minor procedures. There will be more.

Anyway what they did was remove my left fibula/lateral calf bone, they also harvested some bone my right hip, and use that in conjunction with a cadaver bone  to rebuild  my femur. All soundly reinforced with a hefty amount of titanium as you could well imagine. I can't believe I actually managed to distill what took multiple teams of surgeons nearly 15 hours to do down into such a simplified sentence. I feel like I am doing them an injustice. Just to clarify that the 15 hours was for just for one surgery.

Personally I don't feel that the following is very graphic but I have developed a high tolerance for viewing graphic material so just in case.....

[WARNING THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS MEDICAL IMAGES]

THE FOLLOWING IMAGES MAY NOT BE COPIED, DUPILCATED IN ANY MANY WHATSOEVER WITHOUT MY EXPRESS PERMISSION.
I ASSERT OWNERSHIP OVER THESE IMAGES.

XRAY - BEFORE #1

XRAY - BEFORE #2

XRAY - AFTER #1

XRAY - AFTER #2

XRAY - AFTER #3

I am surprised that it was so hard to post these images. It has more to do with with accepting and letting go than anything else. I think I need to step back now and just allow myself to process the torrent of freely flowing emotions .

"The deeper sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. "

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your
laughter rises was oftentime filled with your tears...
When you are joyous, look deep into
your heart and you shall find it is only
that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in
your heart, and you shall see that in truth
you are weeping for that which has been
your delight."

The Prophet - Khalil Gibran

♦

[JackWhite]

It's really brave of you to tell the story here and I really admire your strength. I'm really glad I get to know you and I can only hope that the future holds nothing but good for you.

[Mr Self Destruct]

Holy shit.  That's all I can say.  Holy shit.

That you've had to suffer so very much because of...well, fate, it seems...is just so incredibly tragic.  I can't imagine the pain you've felt and the trials you've had to endure.  All I can say is that having someone with the strength that you have as a friend is a tremendous gift in my own life.  *hugs tightly*

[Athos]

Wow. I'm so sorry to hear that you've had to endure such a terrible tragedy, but I have to say that its also an inspiration to see the obvious strength and grace with which you seem to have dealt, and continue to deal, with it. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story.

[Rhedyn]

For my own selfish reasons I want to thank you for finding the strength to post this Aemirys and I look forward to reading more about your story. My brother was in a serious car accident a few years ago which he escaped from with some very serious injuries, he has never really spoken about it and as such I have never really thought about it properly or considered just how close we nearly came to losing him, until now. I think it is inspirational to read so far what you have had to contend with.

*offers hugs*

[Aemirys]

Thank you to all of your for your kind words and support!

[Aemirys]

20 JANUARY 2012

blinded by the lights....

I was coming back from Cello practice and the sky was starting to blossom into darkness. Every single light brought instant panic and terror, I had to constantly try and gaze at some spot free from street lights or headlights.... especially the headlights.

You see the accident happened at night.

My memory is still a little fuzzy and hazy about had occurred during the day before the accident.

Basically my memories flow like this....

John and I had decided to go rent a movie for the night. For what ever reason I had decided to stay behind and just let John pick out something  to watch, he always did have good choice when it came to movies.

And again I don't recall why but I was inexplicably overcome with an urge to go with him. It was an extremely last minute minute decision but all I literally had time to do was grab my helmet and jump on the back of the bike. He had already opened the gates to the property and had the bike out on the street ready to go.

We hadn't gone very far at all but really I don't truly recall it properly. I do remember having my head turned to the left and then I happened to change it and glance to the right and that's when I saw the headlights of the car bearing down on us. They were huge, they filled my whole vision. There was no time to do anything. All there was time for was the thought... it's going to hit us. So this is how I die.

It is one of the most surreal feelings to realise what your death is imminent and that there is nothing you can do to change it. I don't know that I can fully capture what it was like to be there in that moment with words.

But it wasn't my time. Someone as looking out for me but that's a topic for another time.

I have no memories beyond the lights. But the the faintest glimpses are beginning to occur.

I would rather not remember.... too painful.

Pearl Jam - Last Kiss

[Aemirys]

22 JANUARY 2012

sleeping beauty....

Well I have narcolepsy which I jokingly refer to it as sleeping beauty's syndrome sometimes. This is something I've always had although I wasn't daignosed until 2007.

To give you a very brief run down if you are completely unfamiliar with it, narcolepsy is a chronic sleep disorder, or dyssomnia, characterized by excessive sleepiness and sleep attacks at inappropriate times, such as while at work. People with narcolepsy often experience disturbed nocturnal sleep and an abnormal daytime sleep pattern, which often is confused with insomnia. Narcoleptics, when falling asleep, generally experience the REM stage of sleep within 10 minutes; whereas most people do not experience REM sleep until an hour or so later.

Another one of the many problems that some narcoleptics experience is cataplexy, a sudden muscular weakness brought on by strong emotions (though many people experience cataplexy without having an emotional trigger). It often manifests as muscular weaknesses ranging from a barely perceptible slackening of the facial muscles to the dropping of the jaw or head, weakness at the knees, or a total collapse. Usually speech is slurred and vision is impaired (double vision, inability to focus), but hearing and awareness remain normal. In some rare cases, an individuals body becomes paralyzed and muscles become stiff.

Thankfully I'm being treated for it and things are manageable at the moment. I do experience cataplexy which for me is usually brought on excessive laughter.

Something else I assocatiate with the narcolepsy is these incredible dreams I have every night. My dreams are always very vivid, something along the lines on high definition blu-ray, every night I dream and they are always in high fidelity.... sometimes they are a little too real and they are not always pleasent. I've always dreamt like this.

Another weird thing I experience is that when I'm trying to wake up or stay awake I have tears stream down my face coupled with uncontrolable yawning. Odd but certainly not life threating.

I've finally concluded I need to change my inital morning dose from 3 to 4 tablets because I'm managing to sleep through the 3 tablets. I also need to go back to setting a half dozen or so alarms to make sure I make appointments and meetings.

...as she is writing this she cranks the volume of some up beat music to pump herself up to whilst trying to wake up...

references: wikipedia

[Aemirys]

22 JANUARY 2012

cognitive connectivity....

I was going to amend my last post but I thought I should stop doing that. Although I will continue to add information to 'The Story Thus Far...", using it to drawn on a complete list of injuries and events. Perhaps evolving it into a timeline of sorts. Which is something I sorely need to do.

So carrying on from my last post 'Sleeping Beauty...'....

I failed to point out a rather important and critical point. It's not just a sleep issue it's also a cognitive one.

It's hard to think when your half asleep what is even harder is knowing that cognitively I am capable or so much more and being denied access to that. It's why my thought process is more than a little all over the place at times. Although in conjunction with sustained injuries from the accident that has been exacerbated.

The medication I take for my narcolepsy helps, it most certainly helps but it is by no means a perfect solution, it doesn't completely fix the situation.

I still hold a hopeful fairytale close to my heart that one day they could just fix whatever it is that is wrong different with me and I would be able to function normally without medication!

A girl can dream.....

[Aemirys]

23 JANUARY 2012

pills....

Ok I've finally added Glucosamine with Chondroitin and Krill Oil to my daily regime of pills. Even I am now going 'whoa, c'mon, this is a lot to swallow'.

18 pills I take in the morning, I am by no means bragging, I hate the fact I take so much medication, I mean if you want to get technical about it, 4 of those pills are my medication for Narcolepsy, and another 4 I would class as supplements, like the Krill Oil for example.

But still it's a lot to swallow, literally. Although given how long I've been doing it for it's actually evolved into somewhat of a party trick. I've learnt to relax my throat and swallow the whole load in one go, both impressive and disturbing. I've done it so often now I don't even need to think about it any more.

And those are just the ones I take in the morning, I take a couple others throughout the day and another huge lot at night.

All up I take 42 tablets a day. Yeah, I know.

This is one repercussion resulting from my accident that I'm sure most people aren't aware of.

Rightly or wrongly I always feel like people will judge me, think less of me because I take so much medication.

God damn fucking pills !!

[JackWhite]

I think people here wouldn't judge you on the fact that you take that much pills and I know that they don't think less of you because of that. You're one brave lady and I think you should be proud of your perseverance.

I have to admit that swallowing 18 pills at once is quite impressive.

[Aemirys]

23 JANUARY 2012

the nights are the hardest....

With the dawning light of each new day the cares and worries that sometimes plague me at night magically disappear but they always resurface and find their way back to me during the night.

I don't know what it is about the night....

I suppose there are lots of little things but mainly I miss my man. I miss sleeping next to him each night. For so long I have always shared my bed and now it is achingly empty.

For me the safest place in the world was snuggled into his chest with his arms wrapped about me, listening to the steady, metronome like, beat of his heart.

There is so much I miss about him.

I never got the chance to say goodbye to him. There was no way I could have gone to the funeral, as it was I was in surgery when his funeral took place.

His mother took his ashes, who is probably now back in England, so I never had the chance for any closure.

I try, and do, take comfort knowing that I had my arms wrapped around him just before he died.

I need to find closure, I need to finally let him go and and say goodbye but I just can't..... not yet.

[Aemirys]

23 JANUARY 2012

a little closure....

I met with my lawyer today, finally my mother's estate has been finalised. It's been going on for so long so to have some closure in this area feels good.

You see a year before the accident my mother passed away.

Also a year before that my father passed away.

I really need to generate a visual timeline to represent all of these events.

[Aemirys]

23 MARCH 2012

climate control....

This is perhaps one of the side effects of being in hospital for so long that many people aren't aware of.

To start with the medication you take can play havoc with your body's temperature but after spending a prolonged period in an environment that is constantly climate controlled seems to rewire your sensitivity to temperature.

I used to be able to cope with the heat, especially the heat that Adelaide can serve up. But even now I'm still struggling, I seem to constantly have the air con on and still I feel like it's too hot.

Not surprisingly the only time I feel truly comfortable is when I'm in hospital climate controlled environs.

I now at some point my body will readjust but I'm wondering how long it will take.

Until then I continue to sweat my arse off.

[Flaming]

That's a lot.

I just read your posts. Being a biker myself I always shiver hearing about bike accidents.
Every time I sit on my two wheels I realize it could be the last time. Just like that, no second chances. It scares me, but I can't stay away from riding.

I met a few guys that had some bad luck. I can remember at least two occasions in which I was just lucky myself. It always strikes me when I found myself thinking about this stuff.

I'm sorry.
It's the only thing I can write. Only that.

Flaming

[Aemirys]

I completely understand Flaming....

And you know what? For everything that has happened I still love them and I couldn't take the position of telling others to stay away.

If you love them, you love them and there isn't much you or anyone around you can do about it.

I still find them incredibly sexy and the freedom and rush they bring is still so intoxicating.

[Aemirys]

For example....

Doing a little research for a new character....  looking through images for a Yamaha R1 and everything else to go along with it, helmet, leathers you name it....

Oh man did I start drooling big time.

Which it doesn't make sense. I shouldn't still love this stuff because of everything that happened but I do.

[Flaming]

"It is said that every time we straddle our mounts
we bring Angels and Demons with us.
They are what makes our life style so dense,
the pillars of the life we build on our broken bones.
Demons that turn the wrist in a reckless way,
that make us bend so close to the ground.
Angels, with the faces and voices of who is not with us anymore,
that caress that wrist to calm it down.

You can find us on mountain roads, gaze lost on the horizon,
the hand on the smooth corners of the tank,
donned like knight, alone or in glittering parades,
ready to greet whoever cross by, stranger never to be seen again.

On a bike you can die, it could happen to any of us.
It hurts, hurts a lot, but so much life is turned in ravishing memories.
Talk to any of us, listen, when we tell about that ride,
that bend, and lose yourself in our sparkling eyes.
Ask us what life would be without that passion, and be ready
to hear the silent scream in our gaze.
Like sailors chained on land. Pilots nailed to the ground.

If you want try to understand us, just come and pull over on the shoulder,
look how many cars pass by without second thoughts,
and how many of us stop, to make sure you are all right
or to give a lift to the next gas station.
If one day, driving to the seaside, you see your kid
jump on the seat and wave at one of us approaching,
don't be surprise if we return the greet:
between Angels on earth that's common.

Bikers, odd, beautiful people."

I'm sorry, I'm filling up your blog. : ) This is a shortened translation of a longer text somebody put on the internet along with other youtube videos about bikers.
I apologize is not as intense as the original, but isn't easy to convey the same tone.

Living in a place where bikes are a kind of a second religion is easy to find things like the above, and all of them have a bitter sweet taste: on one side there is the exaltation for the freedom, and on the other hand the awareness to be fragile. From anyone, no matter the tribe he comes from: cruisers, speeders...
Maybe they are the two side of the same coin, you won't appreciate it without knowing how easy is to lose it.

"Life is too short to not be a biker."

[Aemirys]

It's wonderful I haven't heard that before.

Personally I believe you remain blind to the sweetness of life if you've never known how bitter it can be.

[Aemirys]

28 JANUARY 2012

i can feel the thunder in my veins....

There has been a storm brewing for the last couple of days, my knees in particular have been aching like crazy, among other pars of my body..... I find there isn't much that can calm the pain in these circumstances. But finally the storm has broken and the pain is abating. a wave of relief is flooding through me at finally feeling the pain receding. Likening it to an orgasmic release is not out of the question.

It is a source of immense interest to me how the weather can effect us so.

I am just so grateful to feel that ache, one which words will never accurately capture, fade.

Sweet release...........

[Aemirys]

06 FEBRUARY 2012

reconnecting....

I just realised I've been posting the date as MARCH instead of the JANUARY it should have been. I'll go back and change it.... be geez what was I thinking to get the date sooo wrong?

I know this doesn't exactly have that much to do with the theme of this blog, depends on how closely you might wish to examine it.

But I've recently been rediscovering and reconnecting with The Scene here in Adelaide.

I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed just being around like minded people as well as all the kinky fun I had not been having in my life for so long.

Short but sweet I'm afraid.

[Flaming]

I thought you were doing that on purpose : )

Glad to hear you are feeling fine

[Aemirys]

15 FEBRUARY 2012

...In truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight....

╔══════════ ೋღ ♥ ღೋ ═════════╗
♥                         Fred 11.02.2012                     ♥
╚══════════ ೋღ ♥ ღೋ ═════════╝

♥

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your
laughter rises was oftentime filled with your tears...
When you are joyous, look deep into
your heart and you shall find it is only
that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in
your heart, and you shall see that in truth
you are weeping for that which has been
your delight."

- Khalil Gibran

[Rolo]

I am extremely proud of your courage to write about this, Sweetheart.  I hope in doing so you can find the path to recovery and eventually some closure.  Stay strong and enjoy the reconnection.