The customer is ...

[HairyHeretic]

http://notalwaysright.com/

135 pages worth .. some truely classic examples of human stupidity in action :)

Here's a couple of examples

This…Is…Spyware!
Electronics Store | Texas, USA
Customer: "Hi, my son says that I have spartans on my laptop and I should bring it to you guys."

Me: "…Ma'am? Spartans?"

Customer: "Yes, I called my son at school and told him that screens keep popping up all the time, and he said that I have spartans."

Me: "Oh! You mean trojans! That's a possibility; let me run this analyzer on your laptop real quick and we'll see what's going on."

Customer: "Young man, my son is in college and he says it has spartans. You just stand here in a little uniform and make minimum wage. I think my son knows what he is talking about."

Me: "You're right ma'am. I was hoping to run a diagnostic and find out that it wasn't spartans, but just by looking at the login screen, I can tell that you probably have about 300 of the little guys running around."

Customer: "300?! Is that bad?"

Me: "It's horrible. They cram themselves into a bottleneck and kill wave after wave of data, until there is a wall of dead programs blocking any more traffic through your computer."

Customer: "Oh, that just figures. I'm going to go buy a new computer."

Me: "Ok, ma'am, I think that would be best."

- - - - -

Up and Running
Tech Support | Chicago, IL, USA

(I work at an incoming call center for a well known adult website. Most of our calls deal with technical problems or issues with logging-in to the sites. Most of them, anyway….)

Caller: “Good afternoon, sir. I’m having some issues here.”

Me: “That’s what we’re here for! What can I do to help?”

Caller: “Well, I’m sitting here looking at all these beautiful women and, well, I just can’t seem to get an erection.”

Me: “Sir…that is NOT something that I can help you with!”

[Avi]

HH... these are awesome. XD  I work as a bagger at my local grocery store over the summer and half of this stuff has me cracking up.  Nice find.

Favorite one so far:



Me: “Thank you for calling [phone company], how may I help you?”

Customer: *slurring* “Yeeeaah, you f***ers owe me a 40 of Jack Daniels!”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Customer: “I SAID YOU OWE ME A 40 OF JACK!”

Me: “Why is that, sir?”

Customer: “Well, youse is the phone company, right? Youse guys make the phones ring, right?”

Me: “Umm…”

Customer: “My phone f***ing rang and I knocked my bottle over tryin’ to get it.”

Me: “Oh, right.” *laughs*

Customer: “YOU THINK I’M JOKIN’?! Get me a manager!”

Me: “Sir, we’re not responsible for you knocking over your liquor.”

Customer: “Yes you f***in’ are! I want a credit on my bill!”

Me: *click*

[Caity]

Insert Butt Crack Here
pharmacy | Philadelphia, PA, USA

Customer: “Hi, I’m having a problem with my suppositories. They’re not working at all!”

Me: “Okay, let me get the pharmacist for you so he can help you.”

(The customer decides to just yell the same question over two counters to the pharmacist in front of at least 10 other people.)

Pharmacist: “Ma’am, would you like to come over to our consultation are so we can talk about this privately?”

Customer: “No, I just want to know why my suppositories aren’t working!”

Pharmacist: “Well, okay. Are they melting before you insert them?”

Customer: “No, nothing like that!”

Pharmacist: “Are they breaking up into pieces before you use them?”

Customer: “No, no, nothing like that! They’re all in one piece and the same shape and all that stuff! I know how to follow the d*** directions!”

Pharmacist: “Are parts of the foil wrapper sticking to it at all?”

Customer: “What wrapper?!”

(Note: the suppository wrappers are aluminum foil with sharp edges. Ouch.)


:o

[Caeli]

I thought this was rather cute. <33

A Heady Proposition
Retail | Pennsylvania, USA

Customer: “I have a big problem. You cut off my head!”

Me: “I’m sorry? How did I cut off your head?”

(The customer shows me an obviously self-taken picture, with the top of his head removed.)

Me: “Sir, it looks like it was taken that way.”

Customer: “No it wasn’t! My whole head was there when I took it. I’m sure!”

Me: “Okay, let me see your memory card…”

(The customer hands it to me, and I go in the lab and pull it up on the computer. Sure enough, he chopped his own head off in the picture.)

Me: “Sir, that is the whole image, and the top of your head isn’t in it.”

Customer: “But it’s DIGITAL, can’t you fix it?”

Me: “You can’t create something from nothing.”

Customer: “But… but… but… I need a photo for a dating website!”

Me: “Give me the camera and go stand over there.”

Customer: *excited* “Hot d***! You can be my best man!”

Me: “A thank you card will be enough.”

(Skip ahead 9 months…)

Female customer: “Is your name ***?”

Me: “Yes, can I help you?”

Female customer: “My husband wanted you to have this.” *hands me an envelope*

(I open the envelope, and sure enough there’s a thank you card with a picture of him and his wife. He actually got married and sent her in with the card!)

[HairyHeretic]

HH... these are awesome. XD  I work as a bagger at my local grocery store over the summer and half of this stuff has me cracking up.  Nice find.

I can't take the credit, a friend of mine sent it to me this morning. So far I've gotten through about 50 pages worth.

[Maeven]

300 Spartans!

*cracks up*

[The Overlord]

300 Spartans!

*cracks up*

[Psi]

Here is an IT Version - but Client Oriented, rather then Customer....    http://www.clientcopia.com/index.php

[magnamos]

As happened on the 23rd of December 2008:

Phone-Repair-Dude: Hello this is <random Phonecompany>, who can I help you?

Me: We got two broken phones here. They make no sound when you pick up the phone.

PRD: Allright, I will be right over if you got the time?

Me: That would be great to settle this matter before christmas, thank you.

....a little Later the PRD showed up and exchanged two phones which were indeed broken. There was a newer Version of the same phone now. After the Phone Dude spend like 2 hours, loudly cursing because he couldn't get the new phone working with the current firmware of the phonecentral, yet finally managed I took a closer look at the phone.

Me: Hey, did you notice that the little screen in the middle has a blue background light now?

PRD: Yeah, what about it?

Me: Can you change it?

PRD: What?

Me: Yeah, you see... the old Version of this phone had an orange Backgroundlight and I liked that one better so... can you somehow make it orange again?

PRD: Are you kidding me?

Me: Yes...

PRD: ...

Me: ...

PRD: Can I have your signature here? *points at notebook*

Me: of course. You did a great job, thanks again and merry christmas to you and your family ^_^

PRD: Hu? Oh yeah, yeah, to you too *confused*