Questioning mortality...

[persephone325]

Death is a natural part of life. I know that. But that doesn't mean I can deal with it when it comes my way.

I recently suffered a death in the family. While I wasn't extremely close with this relative, it's still painful to know that he's gone. He was only 49, and died from liver damage due to his heavy drinking from years before.

What sucks, is that things were going so good for me recently. I've been getting to know this guy, and he's really sweet to me and thinks I'm pretty. (Which is something I rarely hear...) So I feel like I'm worth something, and I haven't felt that way in a long time.

So for the day, I've been in my room listening to all my songs on Spotify. I have a VARIETY of music, but the love songs I have came in clumps while on random. Because of that, I've been thinking about my life. I think about the future, and what my life might be like.

And I see myself as an old woman, alone, with no one who cares about her. Never married, never had kids... Because nobody thought she was worthy of anything.

I can't see myself being happy, and I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHY!! Why do I feel like I don't deserve to be happy? Why do I feel like I don't have a purpose? Why do I feel like I'm worthless?? WHY??

I'm scared to die, because I don't want to die alone. And I feel so utterly, and completely alone. Why is it that whenever things start looking up for me, I get shit on? It's like whatever higher power is up there, is looking down at me and goes "Oh! This girl is too happy. Let me fix that! Here, have some death... Oh! And constant nausea, and back pain... Hmm... Oh yes. Let's not forget the drunken mother! Let's make her worse than usual. That should do it!"

Fuck you, higher power. Who, or what, ever you are. I'm DONE!

I don't want to die, but I just want everything to stop. I just want to freeze time or something, and take those moments when I am truly happy and live in them forever. It's like my life is one big fucking joke. Like, I exist only to be comedic relief to the higher power.

I'm not saying I'm going to kill myself. Please don't misunderstand. On the flip side, I'm not going to go on a murder spree or anything. I just...

I want to know that my life has meaning. That I'm worth something, and SOMEBODY will love me for who I am. I just want to be loved... That's all I ever want... But it seems too much to ask for. So I'm just gonna continue crying my eyes out. I just needed to vent.

But, everything I've said is how I truly feel.

[Athos]

Hey there,

I can see that you’re hurting right now and even though I really don’t know what to say, I wanted to say something, even if only so that you know that someone out there is listening to you. I’ve lost a few people in my life and I can remember how lost it can made me feel. In my experience there’s really nothing that can help with that except time. I’m sorry to hear that you don’t have a lot of support at home and I truly wish that wasn’t the case for you but I was glad to read that at least you were getting to know someone who makes you feel good about yourself. I don’t know how close you are with that person, or whether that person might be someone you can talk to about how you’re feeling, but even if you can’t or aren’t comfortable with sharing that much I would try to hold on to that positive in your life. You deserve to have someone in your life who treats you right. It is my honest belief that everyone is worthwhile and everyone deserves to be shown love and be treated kindly. That you aren’t being treated this way isn’t your fault or any indication that there is something wrong with you, it only shows how much is wrong those people in your life who treat you that way. I know that’s probably not much consolation, but it’s the truth. I guess I really don’t have much more to say other than that I’m thinking about you and hoping that things get better for you. If you find that you need a sympathetic ear, feel free to PM me.

Take care of yourself,
Athos

[kylie]

     I'm not having the easiest time of it lately, either.  Not quite the same, but maybe more just...  Blah, neutral, where is this going anyway sort of time.  I stick with gaming when I can, because the day to day stuff is just creeping along in odd meandering ways now.  Even living in foreign places starts to feel predictable to me; I've done it before and I am feeling good at insulating myself from taking that more seriously (or more over-excitedly) than well, than I can handle at this point.  Professionally and relationship wise, I am kind of looking around, trying to be cautious for a moment, and vaguely guessing at some next thing that isn't so likely to materialize soon.  Probably not, at this rate.  Is my own evasiveness making it worse, or is this the best response to some impossible situations that happened career wise and financially all at once?  I don't know yet.  I don't have better ideas yet and I'm a little tired.  So I don't quite see where it's all going, either.  And I'm pushing 40, if that matters to the scorecard.  I don't feel it emotionally are even physically so much yet, but I know that as culture and aging go well, there are some limits creeping up there.

     Jobwise and personally, I have had some amazing times every so often, in wonderful bursts...  And now it's back to yeah, okay, at least this is kind of stable this moment...?  Blah blah.  But I poke at some pretty, rather fun things online that occupy me at least to my taste and look around a little, even just simply wait for a better time (more money, more settled, more healing time done) for the nicer hits to come along.  I'm not thrilled on the whole, I miss a lot of feelings and comforts I used to have in various places...  But it's enough, and I am still a recognizable form of me.  Would I like to have a lot more?  Yes.  Do I have any clue if or when I'll get there, at this rate?  I'm not too sure!  Though I suspect there will be a few bursts of brilliance sooner or later yet, at least.

     So a little similar...  But I would suggest, even if you can't hold onto whole moments or years and whole relationships as much as you may wish, it's still perfectly good to keep some parts of them or notice the parts that appear in other things.  I also think it's worthwhile recognizing where things have been mostly or fully beyond your control -- culturally, financially, socially, medically, what have you.  Don't feel responsible for things you couldn't have easily anticipated or things you were never given resources to deal with by the people who claim to be authorities on such things.  If this means you have been stepping back too, then so be it: Step back with dignity and take the time you need. 

     Also, there was a point when I asked a favorite mentor why all the beautiful things must so come to an end.  She gave me the best answer I think we can hope for:  So that maybe there can be other beautiful things coming afterward. 

     Death?  I don't know if anyone actually "knows" (or gets to report) what it's like.  It seems like for our purposes, it can be whatever makes it seem to fit for you.  Sleep, dreams, heavens, rebirths, power switch off, whatever.  If defining it makes some meaning you want, why not.  People will come and go.  Keep the meanings and feelings you want from them, too -- as much as you can, as long as you feel is right.  Maybe everything in a way, is a little bit of dying and a little bit of rebirth.  But you can choose some things to keep thinking on, types of things to try, ideas and feelings to hold onto or pursue more of.       
     
     

[Rogue]

Seph, I think I've told you before, and if I haven't I'm telling you now. I'm here for you. And while you think you're alone, you have a slew of people on here that would miss you and I'm sure I'd miss you if I knew you IRL. You are such an amazing and beautiful person, and I know that you can find someone and that it will happen eventually.

Much love,

Rogue

[persephone325]

Thank you guys for being so supportive to a total stranger. It gives me some hope, and feels like the human race isn't as useless as it usually is.

I called a crisis hotline, (thank you Oniya) and I felt so much better after being able to talk to someone. I know I can always message any of my friends here, but sometimes it just feels better to talk about it. Not that I don't appreciate everyone here who I can talk to. Sometimes you just need to vocalize your feelings, because writing about it isn't always enough.

[Oniya]

Sometimes hearing words works better than seeing them - whether it's your words or the words of someone trying to help.  And it's a big step to ask for help.  I'm glad I could help you across the gap.  :-)

[persephone325]

Sometimes hearing words works better than seeing them - whether it's your words or the words of someone trying to help.  And it's a big step to ask for help.  I'm glad I could help you across the gap.  :-)

I will be forever grateful for that. ;D I was very nervous, but I'm glad I did it. I can't thank you enough for your help!!

[kylie]

Thank you guys for being so supportive to a total stranger. It gives me some hope, and feels like the human race isn't as useless as it usually is.

     Pah.  Total strangers don't pick cute Asian avatars with awesome accessories like that!  8-)

[persephone325]

     Pah.  Total strangers don't pick cute Asian avatars with awesome accessories like that!  8-)

Haha! I was ogling your avatar for a while yesterday. XD