Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View

[Sofia Grace]

Makes total sense to me, Sofia.  *hugs*

Makes sense to me too. You're not alone in feeling that way, Sofia ~offers hugs~

Thanks, you two.
hugs and snugs for all

[Kurzyk]

I've felt that way too Sofia. *hugs* You are definitely not alone.

[marauder13]

In every place I have worked, I have been on good terms with people, able to socialise with them in the workplace, but never well enough to be invited out to after work events. I also have a small circle of friends in the real world, the face to face variety, and it has left me feeling if there is something I am not doing right in that regard.

But, since I am now nearing 50, I have finally accepted that it is the way I am, and it is not a bad thing that I have a small circle of friends. I think of it as quality of quantity. My friends are great, and to me that is all that matters.

So, in my opinion, there is nothing wrong with where you are, Sofia. From what I have seen of you, yes, you are a great person, and those that don't get to socialise with you are missing out. That you recognise where these thoughts and feelings have come from is excellent, and it means that it will be easier to deal with the fallout over it. Plus, your beau seems to be just the person to have as a partner, and I do hope that it goes from strength to strength.

Oh, thank you for being kind enough to let me get to know you better, and I am sorry that I have not been as good at keeping things going as I could have been. As others have said, it all seems reasonable to feel the way you do, and you are certainly not alone in feeling like the 'odd man out'. There be plenty of hugs here for you anytime you need want or desire them.

[Sofia Grace]

I've felt that way too Sofia. *hugs* You are definitely not alone.

In every place I have worked, I have been on good terms with people, able to socialise with them in the workplace, but never well enough to be invited out to after work events. I also have a small circle of friends in the real world, the face to face variety, and it has left me feeling if there is something I am not doing right in that regard.

But, since I am now nearing 50, I have finally accepted that it is the way I am, and it is not a bad thing that I have a small circle of friends. I think of it as quality of quantity. My friends are great, and to me that is all that matters.

So, in my opinion, there is nothing wrong with where you are, Sofia. From what I have seen of you, yes, you are a great person, and those that don't get to socialise with you are missing out. That you recognise where these thoughts and feelings have come from is excellent, and it means that it will be easier to deal with the fallout over it. Plus, your beau seems to be just the person to have as a partner, and I do hope that it goes from strength to strength.

Oh, thank you for being kind enough to let me get to know you better, and I am sorry that I have not been as good at keeping things going as I could have been. As others have said, it all seems reasonable to feel the way you do, and you are certainly not alone in feeling like the 'odd man out'. There be plenty of hugs here for you anytime you need want or desire them.

Thank you, gentlemen.  The two of you have been incredible supports for me throughout my time on E, and I'm blessed to have met you both.  Hugs from either of you are always very much welcomed.   :-) :-*

[Kurzyk]

Thank you, gentlemen.  The two of you have been incredible supports for me throughout my time on E, and I'm blessed to have met you both.  Hugs from either of you are always very much welcomed.   :-) :-*

I am blessed as well to have met you Sophia. You're a wonderful support and an amazing person. *hugs*  :-)

[Rel Mayer]

I follow this blog, and they had a very good article about Mental Health that struck home for me.

I hope it helps some of you too. :)

<3 and hope things are working out, Sofia.

[Remiel]

Very nice article, Rel!

[Peripherie]

Sorry if posting here doesn't seem appropriate. I have read this thread often and have been in awe with how so many fantastic people here on E deal so bravely with hard situations.

The past few weeks have been really hard. Work is seasonal crazy at this time of the year but then I also decided to go back to school to get a second Master's degree and the summer semester started... long before the official start of summer. Things really hit the fan and I let lots of things go - like my complete lack of willpower with eating/exercising and my staying current with my prescriptions.

I take ritalin and wellbutrin - very low doses that doctors have recommended I look to reduce / stop taking both over time as they don't think I really need them long term. And in some ways I agree. But probably letting my refills lapsed and just stop taking them about 2 weeks ago was a really bad idea on my part.

I crashed. hard. At work I was really prickly, I procrastinated doing the most easy and menial tasks, I stayed curled up on the couch from punch out after work to punk in the next morning, and I only let the man I love the most see what I was really going through. (Which really meant that I unleashed all my pain and crazy on him.)

I threw jammed staplers, I screamed at dropped food, I blew up when he put my only semi-well fitting clothes in the wash and things weren't dry when I needed them, I cried at the most innocently inquiring looks. (And let's not even go into my libido buring itself six feet under and being pretty repulsed and offended at being touched and normally welcome advances.)

And the worst part of my withdraws/crash is that the way I turn things in on myself in a very destructive and critical way. The stressful work hump is over, I have a lull in projects for school now, and I got a promotion at work that reaffirms that I do a really good job and will be in charge of things that I have running/guiding behind the scenes for years. But the what-if's got to me and all I could see was any negative look or blip that came my way and how that made me just the worst at all things.

And my wonderfully supportive S.O. thought the solution was to just poke, and hug, and joke, and pull, and attention me out of it. Which didn't go well. I didn't want him to turn up his happy or tell me how worried he was, or go on walks. I just wanted to be let along and not stared at like I was a dangerous animal curled in a corner. (Though I know I felt and acted just like that.) I tried to explain this Eeyore (from the kid's show Pooh) metaphor how sometimes depressed people just need understanding but not prodding to be happy (Eeyore's friend's help him with situations but never really try to change him. Or something, I read something positive about that relationships but am explaining it badly here - as well as explained it badly to my SO).

Worst part was he had some serious car troubles and I was in no place to help him when he needed me the most. And though everything turned out fine after a few crazy days dealing with mechanics and a possibly dead car, I felt just below awful that I couldn't suck it up and put him first.

It took me to this past weekend when the stressers in my life started to let up that I even realized the connection between my moods and my quick stopping of my medication. It wasn't the only reason for my recent depression but it really, really, really didn't help. Telling my SO seemed to help him understand my abrupt switch and allowed him to back off from trying to 'save me' from my depression but I also feel bad that I let my meds slip at all.

I feel like I turned a corner today and am feeling much more myself. I am picking up my wellbutrin prescription tomorrow and feel like things will get back on track. I have a lot of cleaning up to do... in my house literally, in my routines, and in my relationship but those goals don't seem as hopeless as they did a week ago.

Again, sorry for the rant. I usually feel like my depression is so minor that I really don't have the right to complain about it. But this last bout has been too rough not to try and talk through it.

[Rhedyn]

~leaves some big hugs for Peri~ Posting here is always appropriate, it's what the blog is here for. I'm so sorry that your depression has been so rough for you lately. I know it's hard but try not to beat yourself up about it, I think that sometimes we have to experience it and let it be in order to come back out the other side. I'm glad to hear that you are feeling a little better today and I hope that it continues. I think that you are strong and courageous to share what you have been going through <3

[Peripherie]

*snugs Rhedyn* Thank you hun, that reaffirms a lot for me.

[Darkcide]

Honestly? It has always been really hard for me to form connections with people. Even when I was a child. I think that I get some of that from my mother, she had disassociative and wrestled with all sorts of demons. Despite everything, I did truly love her, and I miss her. As a kid, my father had also gotten remarried for a time, and my step mother and siblings used to abuse me pretty terribly. Just about every form you can think of, so that hardened me. Without really being able to contextualize what happened, I made the decision at 6 that I was never going to be a victim again, and I had huge anger problems growing up. I have made my peace with what happened, and mellowed out but I have still always had problems forming actual, lasting connections. My father and I moved a bit as I was growing up, so that probably played a part too. I've been in many relationships, and out of all the ones that I have been in? I've genuinely loved one person. When I love, I love hard, and when I hate, I hate just as hard. We tried that song and dance three times, and I walked away for good last year. That person isn't good for me in the least. You can't make someone a priority who sees you as an option, and who claims to love you but that love stems from a selfish, dangerous place where I was used, led on and she wasn't being fully honest with me. We'd talked about having a family together, and creating a future together. Forever got really short basically. All the same, I can admit to having been in the wrong because I wanted to 'save' her. I wanted to change her into what I thought she should be which meant I wasn't really accepting who this person was. She has a kid, and I got really attached to her daughter who also got really attached to me. I never realized that I want a family as bad as I do, but I do. More than anything. I want to have children, and I want to raise them to where they don't grow up feeling like there is something wrong with them like I did. I miss both of them a lot, despite the anger I feel. I think about them a lot more than I should, and I can hope that someday I will be able to connect to someone to that degree again. That I will be able to love someone like that, but without wanting to change them. I can also really hope that this person will truly love me, from a safe and healthy place as well. I just don't know though.

I will be 30 in a couple years, and nearly all of my friends are married, or they live with their partners or they have children. I have had several really good jobs, but I am not yet settled in a career because I refuse to let a job define me and to leech off of me and take precedence over the parts of my life that have nothing to do with business. I can and do walk away from anything that is toxic in my life. Friendships, relationships and jobs. I just don't want to have to anymore. I want some good in my life. Some purity, and I want to be surrounded by things that influence me and uplift me. A therapist told me that I have seasonal depression, typically around the winter because my mother passed during the winter, and a good deal of my hardships that I've endured have been in the winter. She might be right, the rest of the year though, it feels like I am just wrestling with hopelessness and I am tired. I know better days are ahead, and I know that I can bring them to life and that I can control what I can control and there is no use fretting about what I can't change. It just sucks lol. A year ago, I was insanely happy. The aforementioned woman and I had reconnected, and mended fences. I was working a really good job that at the time, I thought was going to become a career before the other shoe dropped. I reconnected with my half brother who I hadn't spoken to in nearly a decade, and I wasn't being stabbed in the back by my friends. Everything was just lighter, and I need to get back to that place. I have my nephew and niece out here with me for a good bit of the summer, they were here last year too and their presence helps, although I have to put on a strong face because I don't want to let them see me as anything less than strong. Last night, my nephew asked me if he was going to see my exes' kid again and that really stung lol.

I just needed to get all this off my chest. This thread is really inspiring, so thank you.

[Rhedyn]

~offers hugs to Darkcide~ Thank you for sharing, you're always welcome to get things off your chest here  :-)

I want to be surrounded by things that influence me and uplift me.

Don't we all? It can take a while to find those things and keep hold of them but you will find them. It's easier for me to have faith in that for other people than for myself sometimes but I wanted to say that I do believe in that for you.

[Caedy]

~Leaves hugs for Darkcide~

This coming month is going to, as always, be a trial for me.  I will be fighting minor PTSD attacks, walking to work without my headphones in, and dealing with lingering stigma that comes from being a rape victim.  This year it will be 17 years since I woke in the middle of my rape.  There will be nights that I lay awake in bed, fighting the urge to sleep.  I will have to fight the urge to do anything, getting out of bed for work will be a struggle.  I know there will be good days and there will be bad days.  Each year it gets better, each year the nightmares come a little less.  Either way, I am a survivor of rape, and that is one thing that does give me hope.  I am still here, he is not.

[Rhedyn]

~offers Caedy hugs~ I am so sorry that you have to go through the repercussions of such a terrible crime year after year. I'm thinking of you and sending you love and light if that's ok and I wanted to say that I think you are incredibly strong and capable woman. You can only get stronger as time goes on, even on those bad days when you might not believe it. Don't give up on hope.

[Caedy]

Love and light are always, always welcome Rhedyn.  As are hugs.  ~Hugs tight.~ Thank you for that.

[Darkcide]

~offers hugs to Darkcide~ Thank you for sharing, you're always welcome to get things off your chest here  :-)

Don't we all? It can take a while to find those things and keep hold of them but you will find them. It's easier for me to have faith in that for other people than for myself sometimes but I wanted to say that I do believe in that for you.

:) Thank you, I appreciate that very much.

~Leaves hugs for Darkcide~

This coming month is going to, as always, be a trial for me.  I will be fighting minor PTSD attacks, walking to work without my headphones in, and dealing with lingering stigma that comes from being a rape victim.  This year it will be 17 years since I woke in the middle of my rape.  There will be nights that I lay awake in bed, fighting the urge to sleep.  I will have to fight the urge to do anything, getting out of bed for work will be a struggle.  I know there will be good days and there will be bad days.  Each year it gets better, each year the nightmares come a little less.  Either way, I am a survivor of rape, and that is one thing that does give me hope.  I am still here, he is not.

Thank you, and that is a lot. That is no small thing, surviving that.

*Hugs*

[Autumn52]

~Leaves hugs for Darkcide~

This coming month is going to, as always, be a trial for me.  I will be fighting minor PTSD attacks, walking to work without my headphones in, and dealing with lingering stigma that comes from being a rape victim.  This year it will be 17 years since I woke in the middle of my rape.  There will be nights that I lay awake in bed, fighting the urge to sleep.  I will have to fight the urge to do anything, getting out of bed for work will be a struggle.  I know there will be good days and there will be bad days.  Each year it gets better, each year the nightmares come a little less.  Either way, I am a survivor of rape, and that is one thing that does give me hope.  I am still here, he is not.

*offers Hugs*

You are strong but I know it will be difficult for you. If it is okay I will think of you during meditation and send positive light your way, like a warm hug.

[Zenkai]

When the world suddenly cracks like a tired mirror, and the tears just won't stop.
When everything just isn't enough.
When there is no rest for the exhausted
When there can't be a even a whisper heard on the other side of the door.

Post? Preview? Spell check? Despair?

Tears and touchpads, they don't mix. Forgive me for this little thing.

[Oniya]

*offers a hug*

I know it's only a little thing, but you are not alone.

[Remiel]

I know how you feel, Zenkai.   You shouldn't be embarrassed.  This is a safe space for sharing.  :\

[Rhedyn]

~offers Zenkai hugs~ I just wanted to echo what Oniya and Remiel said. You're not alone and, even though it may not feel like it, we understand.

[Rel Mayer]

How to be perfectly unhappy.

I found this very moving. Totally worth a read! Also hilarious.

[Caedy]

The months of July and August have been hell for me. As it is, I'm not entirely put back together, and I don't know if I will entirely be put back together anytime soon. 

I made a personal self discovery about 2 weeks ago, and realized finally what people around me were at least attempting to tell me, but not actually outright telling me.  I have had my own version of self-harm and I am attempting to bring some form of end to it.  I am also at this point in time seeking out professional help because that is also needed. 

I don't even know what else to say at this point...

*leaves hugs and love for all*

[Oreo]

That is wonderful that you are recognizing and taking the first steps to helping yourself Caedy. *takes and leaves hugs*

[Caedy]

Thanks Oreo. 

It is still hard to admit, but it's happening...slowly but surely.