Is Elliquy Cheating?

[SinfullyShy]

So, I recently got into a debate with a friend of mine about role playing sites such as these,  and if they are cheating. I was wondering what all you role players think out there? Is roleplaying, third-person, erotic role-plays cheating? If your significant other was on here writing erotic stories, would you consider that cheating?

I don't think so, considering it's a plot or fantasy you are just having collaborative help writing. I mean I play all sorts of characters and sexualities that I would never take on in RL. So what are everyone else's thoughts?

[SithLordOfSnark]

I have a pretty unpopular opinion about this in that not only do I think it's NOT cheating, even slightly, if a girl I was dating told me to choose roleplay or her, I'd pack her bags myself.

[RedRose]

Each couple needs to decide...

[HannibalBarca]

I agree with Redrose.  It needs to be discussed between a couple.  I'd think at the very least it needs to be out in the open.  Hiding anything from a partner is dishonesty and not conducive to a good relationship.  That being said, I also agree with SithLordOfSnark in that--as I'm single right now--any future possible partner will have to be agreeable to me writing here or that relationship will be a no-go.

[Scalerender]

Me and the wife just don't hide it, we tell each other we start rp's and with whom (but don't read eachother's posts).

Cheating implies that you hide something so it really depends how the relationship stands on that but honestly I'd have issues if my wife got sexually excited through interaction with another person without me knowing about it. It's not the same as porn, it involves stimulation provided by another person.

[SinfullyShy]

I also agree that it needs to be discussed between partners as communication and honesty are the fundamentals of a relationship, but I also feel like the excitement is via the plot and development of the story. I find it very similar to if I was reading an erotic novel. It's just roleplaying is better as it is your scenario and the character acts as you want. Thanks for all the replies, I like to consider others opinions before I make my own.

[Scalerender]

I also agree that it needs to be discussed between partners as communication and honesty are the fundamentals of a relationship, but I also feel like the excitement is via the plot and development of the story. I find it very similar to if I was reading an erotic novel. It's just roleplaying is better as it is your scenario and the character acts as you want. Thanks for all the replies, I like to consider others opinions before I make my own.

It's an interesting topic as you can argue that the words in a novel are also provided by anothe rperson and yet I feel that the connection with another player is somehow more intimate then an author that probably will never know you exist.

[SinfullyShy]

I can definitely agree that the words in a novel are less intimate than role playing with another person. It's just that I may learn things about the person and feel sad at their life circumstances, especially if something draws them away. I may hope them the best; however, I don't find myself sexually attracted to them. To the characters that are created sure. I find myself inextricably tied to my characters, as a person who will cry if one of them goes through something heart renching. Yet, that is simply from the weaving of ideas and reactions that are flowing between the writers.

[SinfullyShy]

Definitely an interesting debate! Like I said, I really like and appreciate all the input. Everyone has been making great points.

[TurtleInTheSheets]

Writing in itself is a form of expression. There is a distinct essence that can only be captured vividly by imagination. For this reason, people have tried to express their "being" through music, literature and dance.

As with any form of unfaithfulness, it stems from your intentions. Why do you write? If it is for the purpose of expressing your creativity while delving into the pleasures derived from writing/ consuming erotic literature then, you are merely an individual who is exploring your right to explore such matters as they are still part of life.

If you go to these sites with the intention of forming relationships beyond writing partners whilst you are in a committed relationship in real life, it will become what constitutes an "emotional affair". If E has become a platform that "drains" energy from your main/primary relationship, then you have to re-assess yourself. It should not distance you from your relationships at home.

An emotional affair happens when there is something brewing beyond the context of sexually-explicit content writing. If you are devoting more effort, more passion and more life into your posts in E rather than investing in the immediate person who is your spouse/partner, there is already an imbalance in priority.

If you are reaching out to your writing partner beyond the purpose of role playing as you ache for romantic connections/ attention, then that is considered cheating. If need be, effective communication with your partner is paramount. Letting them know of your hobbies as well as reassuring them of evidence that definite boundaries and safeguards are in place to protect his/her interests.

We are all adults here (some are merely adulting) so we can cut the bs when we say, "We're just friends."

There is no gray zone between "Friends" and "Someone you yearn for/desire"

Elliquiy is merely a tool. Like any tool, it can be used for both good and bad.

[Nico]

Personally, I've never seen it as cheating. I'm married and my husband knows that I write here. He also knows what I write about now and then. There has never been a discussion with my partner about it because I'm not here to date, share erotic tales with people, talk about my sexlife on here or get 'involved' with someone. Even while writing erotica it has never changed my relation to a writing partner. I don't suddenly desire my writing partner or something. I wouldn't want it, either, because that's not why I am writing.

I love writing in general, it is one of my creative outlets. I love making friends and meeting people. Yes, sometimes I write erotica. So what? It's words on a screen. Fiction. I am not my characters, nor do I want to be them. I have many friends on here but they are just that. Friends. I have no desire to date them, get their phonenumbers, learn about their bedroom habits or want pictures of them. All this is of no importance to me when it comes to writing partners. All that counts is that we mesh well and that we can write together. What happens in my stories has no influence on my friendships with people. When I chat with them, it's not about erotica because that's nothing I want to be involved in.

In the end, it's up to the individual, I'd say. It's difficult to gauge because that would require essential knowledge of someone elses relationship dynamics.

[Oniya]

Cheating - whether it's in a relationship or in Monopoly - is breaking the rules.  And just like in Monopoly, it's possible to have house rules that no one else uses.  The important thing is to make sure everyone involved knows what the rules are.

As for me?  I'm writing characters.  I am not my characters just like Stephen King is not a 14-year-old pyrokinetic.

[Nico]

I am not my characters just like Stephen King is not a 14-year-old pyrokinetic.

So much this.  XD

As I always say. I don't want to be my characters - but I'd love their cars, clothes and houses. :D

[SithLordOfSnark]

Cheating - whether it's in a relationship or in Monopoly - is breaking the rules.  And just like in Monopoly, it's possible to have house rules that no one else uses.  The important thing is to make sure everyone involved knows what the rules are.

As for me?  I'm writing characters.  I am not my characters just like Stephen King is not a 14-year-old pyrokinetic.

Wait...

he isn't?

Dammit.

[RedRose]

I definitely don't see my co-writers as a date or a partner. I don't care how old they are, if they're a guy or a gal, how they look - while I am quite picky for dating. If it gets more... Flirting, trading a pic, whatever, that's not really the RP's fault and could have happened on FB. I definitely joined here to WRITE. And I like to keep in touch because I have noticed that if we don't, often the RP will die quicker.
"E is not a meat market" ;)

[Oniya]

Wait...

he isn't?

Dammit.

He's also not a demon-possessed red '58 Plymouth Fury - which would have been even cooler.

[Angie]

Wait...

he isn't?

Dammit.

Unfortunately he isn't.

To continue Oniya's train of thought, the closest I've ever gotten to writing "myself" on this forum is if I've ever played Angelo the Wizard anywhere (Or Angelo Belthasar as I've written him as commonly using when he can't get away with just Angelo). And even then, I'm not a sword swinging wizard with angelic lineage.

As far as the cheating angle is concerned, personally I'd show any potential lovers this site and try to get them to sign on. If they've gotten past my incredibly nerdy and the fact that I can swear like a Scotsman, Elliquiy is not going to be the make-or-break part of any relationship I'm in.

In the end, it does kind of come down to the individual couples. Still, this is probably one of the things to get out in the open early, or it'll cause problems later on.

[Theta Sigma]

Oniya says it perfectly.

My other half is a member here, though he isn't around much. I'm the writer of the relationship. >_> I've also made some wonderful friends here who I write with, one of whom I know very well and don't consider it weird that we write characters getting dirty together. >_>

[Lithos]

It depends on the couple, in standards of some this is cheating, in standards of others it isn't... I would hope that the latter is the majority. My better half is here too so for us it works all right. This is one of those things that are 100% subjective.

[SinfullyShy]

Appreciating all the responses. I certinatly think it is a matter of a persons subjective feelings toward cheating within the contexts of that relationship. Something, no doubt, that would have to be agreed upon with the significant other.

[Nico]

Appreciating all the responses. I certinatly think it is a matter of a persons subjective feelings toward cheating within the contexts of that relationship. Something, no doubt, that would have to be agreed upon with the significant other.

Yes, I agree. it's very subjective to being with. Each relationship has a different dynamic and what works for one, doesn't work for another.

I've never asked for permission, though. And I never would.

[Lithos]

I think best guide to one's own feelings is, if it makes you feel guilty, then it is cheating to you and you probably shouldn't be doing it. If it doesn't you are all good.

[RedRose]

It probably gets tricky when the spouse has no idea WTH roleplaying is, or has tons of bad ideas about it.

[Nico]

It probably gets tricky when the spouse has no idea WTH roleplaying is, or has tons of bad ideas about it.

~nodnods~

I remember when I told him. He was like "Awesome. Can I read it sometimes?" He didn't even ask questions or assume anything terrible.

[SinfullyShy]

Yeah, makes sense. It was just an earnest discussion I had with a friend and it got me thinking what others felt on the matter.

[AmberStarfire]

I think cheating requires deceit, so if everyone's okay with a roleplay then it isn't cheating regardless of the way it's perceived by those involved.

There can be differing degrees of space between someone and the person they're roleplaying with. If someone's writing a story in third-person, where they're playing a character and their writing partner is, then I would see the space as greater than if they're writing first person as themselves.

If you play a character who kills another character in a story, it doesn't make you a murderer. In the same way, writing a scene where your character is involved with another in a story doesn't make you and the person you write with lovers. It makes you writing partners.

I think if it broke the rules of a relationship set by the people involved, then it would be cheating in a way, because it would be deceitful. However, I don't see erotic roleplaying as cheating of its own accord. The main factor is whether someone's partner/s would have a problem with it, or they themselves would.

At the same time, a whole lot of intimacy is emotional (and keeping certain behaviours or sides of ourselves to partner/s) and I think that's why some people would have a problem with erotic roleplaying. It all comes down to what is or isn't okay in a specific relationship though, IMO. :)

[Wistful Dream]

Cheating - whether it's in a relationship or in Monopoly - is breaking the rules.  And just like in Monopoly, it's possible to have house rules that no one else uses.  The important thing is to make sure everyone involved knows what the rules are.

As for me?  I'm writing characters.  I am not my characters just like Stephen King is not a 14-year-old pyrokinetic.

Oniya... you are freaking brilliant.

But very much in echoing what she said - it depends on what the rules are in the relationship. I met my Mister on here actually and we are both active writers so we sometimes chat about our stories, just sharing ideas and our excitement. I'm not sure how I would handle a partner who didn't know what to make of the hobby, but I'm also very much here to write characters/stories, that are not me.

[Fury Aphrodisia]

Well, this is kinda slippery-slope.

My take? It's a story. A story meant to portray an aspect of life. Is writing this any more cheating than a screenwriter writing a character that is cheating on their spouse? Is it anymore so than a novelist who writes a character partaking in a virtuous and societally-justified sexual connection with a partner to whom they're married? Is it cheating any more than the photographer doing a boudoir photo shoot?

If someone agrees that it is cheating - which for the record, I do not - then they have to unequivocally condemn the artists of every walk of life that create works of art depicting anything of a remotely sexual nature, as well as those who consume that medium in any way, since presumably there is a relationship at stake in every sense.

This is an art form, a method of creation. Setting it under different rules to any other art form is unnecessarily semantic and speaks of a person who has an invested interest in preventing that art form in the future. I can imagine someone who feels their spouse or partner shares something with other roleplayers that they don't with their partner, which can be a cause for insecurities if the relationship is already out of touch or distant. That, however, is a flaw in the relationship at home and not in the nature of roleplay as it is.

[Victorian]

It is not cheating.  Equating Elliquiy with cheating is similar to saying 'going to the movies and fantasizing about the star is cheating'.

Or reading about a character you lust after in a book is cheating.

If you head down this path you set yourself up to exacting standards that no one can possibly meet.  Seriously, do yourself a favor and do not think this is cheating.

Now, if you gain an emotional attachment and meet and bed after sharing a coffee at Starbucks.

NOW, that is cheating.

[marauder13]

In my opinion, it is not cheating if you are just writing stories with other people on the site.

My wife knows I am here, and what I do on this site, and others like it. She can read anything I have written, because I don't hide it from her. If she were to ask me to stop doing it, I would, very reluctantly. But we have agreed to a code of behaviour, which is not really needed as it is common sense, but as long as I don't do anything stupid, then I am OK to continue writing here, and interacting with the lovely folks here.

[SinfullyShy]

Fully agree with that notion and sentiment!

[himawari]

It's only cheating when you and your partner agrees to it. It is a mutual understanding between the couple what is cheating, what isn't.

My ex and I agreed being on Tinder when we're exclusively is cheating. However, he continued his Tinder account behind my back. I deleted mine.
I have friends who both are on Tinder and they make friends there but it is not considered cheating to them.

So I assume it is the same here. It is what you agree on. Like, I know some people think masturbation is a form of cheating too.


I agree with the rest. It's cheating when emotional attachment are involved as well.
There are couples who have fuck buddies but in the end aren't emotionally attached to their fuck buddies.

*shrugs*

[Kiric Rand]

I thinknl I have a lucky situation where my SO is also on E. We both are very open about what we write, and we both enjoy writing the stories. But I do not believe that means we are cheating on one another.

Compare it to relationships. Some people have a exclusive relationship, while others are more open in theres. Now where the cheating line comes in I believe has to do with rules and deceit. In both relationships, the partners can cheat if they go outside the established rules and expectations.

As such, I do believe the rules and regulations here on E are something that were made with this at least somewhere in mine. Aw long as one abides by the rules and expectations set of them, then these are stories. I may joke, flirt, and more in stories and the AS/RLD boards, but that does not mean in any way I am leaving my wife.  The people on the other side of the screen are just that, people who have very real lives outside of E.

I think I started to ramble and my train of thought jumped the tracks..... nope, no survivors

[Cryptic]

Well, again it depends on the relationship. I use E as a creative outlet for my writing, it helps with dealing with the anxieties of the day and such. Now, in a past relationship, and why I took a hiatus shortly after I joined was because my (now ex) SO felt I was cheating. So I stopped E for a long while, and tried to talk with the SO about it being just writing, and I don't jump to the smut right away.

He still felt I was cheating on him, even after explaining to him, that it's writing, it's a story, it like when he looks at girlie mags for the pictures. It's just not cheating in my eyes, it's a way to create worlds, to make stories, to be excited to read again and see where you would've changed the story of the book, or explore the life of the characters after they've had their "Happily Ever After".

I'm always open with my SO's about what happens. Heck, I've even offered for my mother to join this site cause she's an avid reader, like myself, to simply read the stories that people create here. Yes, even my parents know that I RP, and have since I was young. They actually have encouraged it, like all writing and reading, they encouraged me to create worlds, to find people of the like mindset and simply enjoy the thrill of writing.

So, again, it depends on your SO honestly on if they think this is cheating or not. I don't and perhaps if I choose to find someone again, they will understand that this is just a way that I express myself as a writer, be it writing erotica, or something else. It's all fantasy and it's not cheating.

[oneiricprion]

Man. Reading some of these comments has me wincing. Am I in the minority to think that having boundaries is super important for maintaining healthy relationships? I try my damnedest to take responsibility for my actions and emotions, and that's important. But what I've recently learned is that it's EXTRA important to know when you are taking TOO MUCH responsibility for the actions and emotions of your partner. If being on E and writing here is a healthy, creative outlet for you then, in my very serious opinion, your partner has no business demanding that you stop. To me that is not respecting SEVERAL of your personal rights (your right to the privacy of your thoughts and personal space, your right to determine your own interests and values, your right to decide how you want to spend your time and energy, and your right to decide with whom you wish to be friends).

Often demands like these are because a partner is feeling insecure in their relationship and fears that they will be left for some ~mysterious silver tongued stranger on the internet~ I won't get into how one deals with these feelings of insecurity, it's really dependent on that individual, but if everything stays IC, there shouldn't be a problem as you are not violating any of THEIR personal rights.

TL;DR: We are responsible for knowing ourselves. Learn what is important to you and what you will not, or should not, compromise on in order to engage in a relationship. If you feel that not being on E is an acceptable compromise to maintain a relationship with someone then that's fine. I personally do not think it's an acceptable compromise.

(If anyone is interested in some really insightful articles on taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions and NOT others' I'm more than happy to provide them.)

[Nachtmahr]

I absolutely can't see how it would be cheating. If you're uncomfortable with the idea of your partner writing this sort of thing without your knowledge, I can sort of see why you would perhaps be upset by it, but as far as cheating goes.. No. It's no more cheating that a novelist writing out a romance in a book. At the end of the day, what happens here is grounded in fiction. There's a big social aspect to it as well of course, and you do go out and meet people to write out these fantasies with, but there's one important barrier that keeps it from becoming cheating in my opinion: Physicality.

You're not physically mingling with potential bedfellows here. Perhaps I keep my life outside of E and my life on E more separated than some others, but ultimately you're not dating your writing partners. There may be some playful flirting behind the scenes, but I like to think that it's still not all that personal. There's a difference between seeking out "real people" to flirt with on an app like tinder, or on Facebook, or in real life, and then having this creative relationship with a largely anonymous entity online where you practice your hobby or explore your sexuality in an environment that bears a strong resemblance to the world of pornography. Is watching porn cheating? No, I don't see why it would be.

Where I think most relationships begin to struggle and become toxic, and this is just my opinion, is when partners attempt to restrict each other too much. When you begin taking away your partners rights to have secrets. To have a private life. If you trust your partner, you should at least trust them not to go out and actually cheat - If they do, they clearly aren't trustworthy. That's not at all what I mean by allowing them to keep secrets at all. But unless you have a partner that you can unashamedly be 100% open with about everything, I don't think there's anything wrong with using E to stimulate your creativity, or aspects of your sexuality that you're not comfortable with, let alone capable of, sharing with your partner. It's only human to be afraid of being judged, and many of the topics people write about on here range from mildly to extremely taboo. But I do think it's good for you to get these things out of your system. To play with these fantasies in a safe environment that doesn't hurt your partner.

I'll reiterate and paraphrase my main point: There's a clear difference between largely anonymous text-based roleplaying, using fictional characters to express and explore yourself sexually, and meeting up with someone in a hotel room to engage in actual, physical, sexual activity with no barriers in between. One is anchored entirely in your mind and your creativity, and fantasizing, even if about cheating, is not cheating. The other is you being unfaithful to your partner, assuming they have not been informed or consented to what you're doing.

But if there's one thing that irks me in a relationship, it is when a partner demands to know everything that I get up to. Nothing will make a partner fall out of favor with me quicker than reading my texts, searching my phone, reading my emails, logging into my online profiles, etc. I feel no need to do that to them, and while I have never had anything "to hide", in the sense that I have never been unfaithful to a partner, you're still an individual, even if you are in a relationship. And you still have the right to privacy. Unless you're one of the few people lucky enough to have that near-perfect, almost symbiotic relationship, then there are things that you might not want to share with your partner, and assuming that it's nothing that would arguably hurt them or your relationship to know, then there's nothing wrong with that.

In conclusion: No, Elliquiy is decidedly not cheating in my opinion. In no way could it be, assuming you have enough respect for your partner to not make any relationship on here so intimate that it begins to blur the lines between an actual romantic relationship and you having a bit of creative fun on the internet.

Edit: Just in case someone would argue that one's honesty and trustworthiness as a partner is compromised by not openly sharing every detail about what you're thinking, I'd counter that by arguing that your trust in your partner has been compromised by your fear that they will betray you if you allow them to have any sliver of privacy. Both sides of that debate are entirely valid in my opinion, and they really come down to what your personal stance on the issue is. Would you trust your partner not to betray you despite having a hobby like writing on E, or would you feel betrayed if you found out that they had a hobby like writing on E and didn't tell you about it? In my case, I believe trust is paramount - So I choose to trust my partner not to violate our mutual trust in one another to act appropriately and responsibly, even in private, rather than expecting to be informed about everything they get up to, and having to inform them about everything I get up to in turn.

With that set, just for the sake of disclosure, I'm also in favor of open relationships to varying degrees, and the separation of the concepts of love and sexual pleasure. While they can easily coexist, they are not mutually exclusively.

[Oniya]

Man. Reading some of these comments has me wincing. Am I in the minority to think that having boundaries is super important for maintaining healthy relationships? I try my damnedest to take responsibility for my actions and emotions, and that's important. But what I've recently learned is that it's EXTRA important to know when you are taking TOO MUCH responsibility for the actions and emotions of your partner. If being on E and writing here is a healthy, creative outlet for you then, in my very serious opinion, your partner has no business demanding that you stop. To me that is not respecting SEVERAL of your personal rights (your right to the privacy of your thoughts and personal space, your right to determine your own interests and values, your right to decide how you want to spend your time and energy, and your right to decide with whom you wish to be friends).

Actually, we take boundaries very seriously here on E.  Anyone who can't respect a partner's boundaries (whether that's an RP boundary or a RL boundary) is likely to get a 'talking to' at a bare minimum.  Sometimes just by the partner in question - sometimes by Staff if that doesn't do the trick.

[oneiricprion]

Actually, we take boundaries very seriously here on E.  Anyone who can't respect a partner's boundaries (whether that's an RP boundary or a RL boundary) is likely to get a 'talking to' at a bare minimum.  Sometimes just by the partner in question - sometimes by Staff if that doesn't do the trick.

That's good to hear! Though I realize now I was a little unclear: I was thinking more about boundaries between let's say, a person here on E and their romantic/sexual partner who isn't on E. It'd be hard to give a talking to to someone not on the site haha. But I appreciate the fact that this site takes such things with the gravity they deserve. I skimmed some of the permabanned list, and I won't lie I was shook by some of what I read. I don't blame y'all for having the approval procedure you do after having all of...*gestures*...that.

But I'm getting off-topic here :)

[Blythe]

For my answer to 'Is Elliquiy Cheating'--no, because I'm not here to do anything but fulfill the site's intent, which is to find fun stories to write. Those stories might have adult content, but they are stories. Just that and nothing more--RPs and stories.

And frankly, if someone I was interested in thought this place counted as 'cheating' then they are someone I wouldn't date, because we wouldn't be compatible. Anyone that held that different of a view about what writing means to me is probably someone whom I couldn't have a meaningful relationship with, because I would know they didn't trust me and thus I could not trust them to be respectful of my private hobbies.

[Tsenta]

Having had an ex who was a part of E, who then cheated on me WITH someone from E I may have a bit of a more bitter disposition in the matter.  Frankly, if it's just writing, in public then sure I don't consider it so but when it becomes private (PM smut, cybersex, text messages, etc) then it starts to cross in an uncomfortable territory for me.

What it boils down to though is communication with your partner though and respecting their opinion, even if yours may differ.  If both parties have differing opinions in what constitutes as cheating, then they really need to either talk it out and find a middle ground/compromise, or end the relationship before the potential situation of someone getting their heart broken.

[CopperLily]

I don't think Elliquiy is cheating.

I also don't think cheating is the only way being on E could potentially violate the understood rules of a relationship.

[Gnollboy92]

I would have to say that I personally don't have a definitive yes or no answer. Posting on a roleplay forum and engaging in sexual acts in those stories is somewhat different from writing a story for consumption. See, to my thinking when you write a story you're not participating in anything with another person. It's basically the same as... well the same as masturbation if it gets your hormones going.

The potential issue with roleplaying is the interactive component. You are engaging in sexual acts with another person, even if those acts are taken through an avatar. Personally I would not consider it cheating in a technical sense, you're not your character nor is the other person their character. So long as you have a barrier between your avatar and your self it should be fine. Yet... it's still interacting in a highly sexual manner with another human outside of the relationship if you're in a traditional monogamous relationship. Is swapping sexy stories cheating? Is writing sexy stories for another person cheating? Is reading their feedback and making edits based upon it cheating? I'd say no as the other person isn't stimulating you in that manner. But when you have two or more people engaging in sexually stimulating roleplay I can understand how that might be viewed as inappropriate. Especially if it becomes first person roleplay conducted in private chats or whatnot. Those could be seen as adding intimacy to an already pretty intimate chat.

That said I would have no problems with my man posting on here. While he doesn't know I write erotica at all we're very open about our sexaulities with one another and thus it wouldn't be an issue for us. Other relationships might be somewhat strained if there are unresolved insecurities, trust issues, hidden resentments, etc. But I feel that's a sign that something else is going wrong.

[Remiel]

I would have to say that I personally don't have a definitive yes or no answer. Posting on a roleplay forum and engaging in sexual acts in those stories is somewhat different from writing a story for consumption. See, to my thinking when you write a story you're not participating in anything with another person. It's basically the same as... well the same as masturbation if it gets your hormones going.

The potential issue with roleplaying is the interactive component. You are engaging in sexual acts with another person, even if those acts are taken through an avatar. Personally I would not consider it cheating in a technical sense, you're not your character nor is the other person their character. So long as you have a barrier between your avatar and your self it should be fine. Yet... it's still interacting in a highly sexual manner with another human outside of the relationship if you're in a traditional monogamous relationship. Is swapping sexy stories cheating? Is writing sexy stories for another person cheating? Is reading their feedback and making edits based upon it cheating? I'd say no as the other person isn't stimulating you in that manner. But when you have two or more people engaging in sexually stimulating roleplay I can understand how that might be viewed as inappropriate. Especially if it becomes first person roleplay conducted in private chats or whatnot. Those could be seen as adding intimacy to an already pretty intimate chat.

That said I would have no problems with my man posting on here. While he doesn't know I write erotica at all we're very open about our sexaulities with one another and thus it wouldn't be an issue for us. Other relationships might be somewhat strained if there are unresolved insecurities, trust issues, hidden resentments, etc. But I feel that's a sign that something else is going wrong.

Very well said, Gnollboy.

It's not a black and white issue.  Is sexting cheating? Is phone sex?  Cybersex?  How about looking at porn?  Is thinking about another person besides your partner while masturbating cheating? 

Technically, none of these are "cheating" in the strictest sense, but any of them could be symptomatic of other issues, just like Gnollboy said, depending on the parameters of the relationship.

[Chewy]

I honestly don't believe that writing with others in a community is cheating -- as long as it's only writing.

I know quite a few people who have ended relationships because of it. I myself dated a girl a few years back who didn't like it but she dealt with it because writing helps me. But ultimately she was far too jealous.

I'm lucky enough that my husband is very open to the fact that I write. For him, it's a way to distract me so he can play video games. He sits on his side of the bed, I sit on mine and we spend time like that some evenings. But I always make it known to my partners, I'm married (and before I was married that I was seeing someone) and I have no interest in doing anything else other than writing. Friendships have been made through this but that's it. No relationships.

But as I said, as long as you're not crossing the boundaries set between you and your significant other, no, it is not cheating. But if you are developing romantic feelings and it's going outside of just writing, then yes it would be cheating.

[Adrasteia]

Another vote for "depends on the circumstances".

I never told my ex about any of the RP I was doing, adult or otherwise, because I knew he'd object. But I consider that his problem- he objected to me RPing with certain people, at an RP event, that he was also RPing at, which I think tells you quite a lot. I didn't (and don't) consider it cheating even when it did get grownup because it was entirely IC interactions, with no intent to take it any further. And, frankly, I wasn't in the mood to feel guilty about his massive double standards.

I haven't specifically mentioned anything to my OH, although he is vaguely aware of it- he's seen a few email previews that were a bit, er, dodgy, and he thought it was hilarious. Cheating isn't an issue now because we're in an open relationship, but even before that happened, he wasn't at all bothered. He's a roleplayer too (mostly GMing) so he appreciates the difference between IC and OOC.

If you think your OH would object to such things, then you've got some problems. Not because E is cheating, per se, but because you've obviously got very different ideas about relationship boundaries. For some people, this sort of website would be a hard no for a potential partner. They're absolutely entitled to their views, and continuing (with E or with the relationship- you pick) because you don't agree with them is a bit cruddy.

[Anouk Daae]

I have experience with this subject.
My first husband (was a complete psycho), he insisted that roleplaying was cheating. But he also thought that me talking to boys at all ever (including my brother and cousin) was cheating.
I, personally, think it really depends on how you and your partner define cheating. And also why you're roleplaying to begin with.

I define cheating as an act of infidelity. That's my personal view, that my present husband shares. He knows I roleplay as an escape, he knows I love lore and therefore stories. In our opinion, it's no different from reading an erotic novel or a book with any kind of love story in it. I'm not physically touching another person. I am not playing myself as a character with another real person. So by our definition, it is not cheating.

My ex-husband was a very insecure and jealous man. People with those kinds of insecurities will always find a fault in whatever you do. There will always be a reason why you are cheating on them. Even if it's just you talking to your boss or a person of the opposite sex happens to be your bank teller. You talked to that person, therefore you are cheating. It is a very immature mindset that, unfortunately, a lot of people have.

If this is a discussion you're having with a friend, then their opinion isn't entirely relevant. Ultimately, what matters is how you and your partner define your relationship and your trust. Has nothing to do with anyone else. If this is a discussion you're having with a partner, I would wager there is something else going on. Roleplaying isn't the problem. Most roleplaying done in a general setting isn't sexual or even romantic, it's just a group of writers getting together to co-create a world or story. Romance and sex happens, sure. But it's between characters, not actual people.

My opinion is that no, roleplaying is not cheating. BUT there is no finite yes or no to this question, as the rules of what constitutes infidelity vary from relationship to relationship.

[AmberStarfire]

Anouk Daae: I was raised in a household where my father didn't like other men around or talking to my mother, and there was certainly little to no reason they had to talk to me. They had some mutual friends who were male, and some men stopped by to visit my father (who's sadly passed away now), but it was understood my mother didn't have male friends. She's still a little disapproving/disbelieving that men and women can truly be friends.

I've broken away from that mindset quite strongly, but there are still ways it influences me a little, because growing up that was 'normal' (even though I had male friends as a kid and do now).

I already answered further down the thread but I mostly just wanted to say that I understand the mindset.

As for Elliquiy, I don't see it as cheating (ever) the way sleeping with someone else might be (if there's deceit involved), but if it breaks the boundaries set by a couple for their relationship, it could still be viewed as cheating in a way. It all depends on what they decide on. 

[Sultrynets]

My husband has made it clear to me that cheating is not tolerable. I agree with his mindset. Keeping that in mind, I talked to him about Elliquiy when I decided to come back. He is not a jealous man and he is okay with me writing on here. I think for some couples writing an erotic story with a partner might be viewed as cheating, but I think it all depends on the couple. As long as there isn't deceit involved, I don't see the problem. If I hid the fact that I wanted to write on E or the fact that I would not be writing alone, I would consider it cheating and I could not live with that. I think the key is honesty and openness in the relationship.

As a side note, my husband and I both have multiple friends of the opposite sex that we spend time with apart from each other. There is nothing sexual in the friendships for either of us and we both trust the other. A relationship without trust isn't worth having in my humble opinion. That is where honest and open communication come in.

[WindFish]

I guess it depends on the boundaries each couple has, but there's a huge difference between writing erotica and actually doing the things you're writing about.

[Nico]

I guess it depends on the boundaries each couple has, but there's a huge difference between writing erotica and actually doing the things you're writing about.

So much this.

This is why it is essential that boundaries are maintained and respected. The moment someone is unable to keep IC and OOC apart, I'm generally out. Not because it feels like cheating, but because it is highly uncomfortable.

[Sultrynets]

I guess it depends on the boundaries each couple has, but there's a huge difference between writing erotica and actually doing the things you're writing about.

I agree wholeheartedly. Writing a character in a roleplay is a lot different than actually being with someone outside of the relationship. For me E is all about writing a story and letting out my creative side.

[Bristol515]

I've heard this argument before, and I still don't see how roleplaying can be considered cheating. However, I do think every couple needs to set the boundaries and parameters of their relationship and be honest about their roleplay activities. On the flipside, we've all been to other roleplay sites that are nothing but a meat market where "roleplayers" are just looking to find someone willing to engage in what amounts to sexting while they pleasure themselves. EWW. Now, if you decide to stick around and continue playing after you've discovered your "writing partner's" less-than-honorable intentions, then, in my humble opinion, you've put a toe over the line as far cheating goes.

[Dreaming Space]

Well, there are degrees of cheating, too.

[Damned Eternally]

My husband has known about E and my previously IM roleplaying. He has been happy that I have a creative outlet for the fantasies that he isn't quite confident enough to join me with.
It has certainly helped our marriage as it has allowed further conversation into what he would like to try.

Each to their own, what works for one couple, will not work for another. I truly believe that trust and honesty, play a massive part in what you are doing.

[Nico]

I agree wholeheartedly. Writing a character in a roleplay is a lot different than actually being with someone outside of the relationship. For me E is all about writing a story and letting out my creative side.

I couldn't agree more with this sentiment. For me, writing here is fun, it is creative. Nothing better than creating an awesome story with someone else. But it is never more.

[Naughty Miss Adventure]

For my part, my husband knows I'm on an adult roleplaying site, typing the sexy with others; consenting parties all around.  In a traditional sense, I'm 'cheating' (in a sexy thrills out of wedlock sense), but my man doesn't mind (heck he even gives me tips when I ask), and no harm is done.

Some people can be very possessive, and so engaging another on Elliquiy (or similar site) would be perceived as being unfaithful despite you not actually getting in bed with someone else, since it bruises their ego.  Another partner may not mind at all, as long as you don't take things seriously or to a physical level with another.

I think at the end of the day, cheating is an old fashioned construct, outdated even, that paints things in a restrictive black and white vision - personally, I think that at its core, the concept of cheating is something used to justify the very ugly traits of possessiveness and narrow-mindedness.  Nowadays, however, we know everything isn't so clear-cut.

I think what's important to keep in mind is what your partner is comfortable with permitting in a relationship, and whether you are willing to respect that when answering this thread's question.  Did you get involved with someone you know would mind, but you go about it in secret, reasoning what they don't know what hurt?  Legally, its not cheating, since you're not getting physical, or entering into another relationship. But, morally, maybe it is, since you're deceiving the expectations of a person you willingly entered into a relationship with.

Well, those are my personal thoughts on the matter anyway.

[Janus]

Another vote for "depends on the couple."

As others have already put forth, cheating is about deceit. I mean, it's in the definition. The issue of boundaries can't even come up until those boundaries have been established. Those boundaries can't be established if they've never been discussed. If they've never been discussed because one person knows how the other would react... well, we're back to deceit, aren't we?

I've had relationships that blossomed out of roleplay. I've also had plenty of roleplays (i.e. the vast majority) that were perfectly distinct from anything OOC. But I do think it's disingenuous to consider them the same as reading a book or watching a film. Books and films aren't responding to your words and actions. Even interactive media like games aren't the same because the program is running independently of the author.

In a roleplay, the author is responding to YOU. The author's character is not the author, but the author literally gives it life. The character cannot exist without the author; by definition, some of the author is in that character, and it is engaged similarly with some aspect of YOU.

Sure, the distance between author and created can be great, but the distance can also be very small. It's that spark of life that makes roleplay distinct from any other form of creative writing. That is precisely why I love it so, but it is ALSO why I don't think it's true to view it as something that is entirely separate from the real world. People put varying amounts of themselves into their characters. Maybe your characters are as far removed from you as humanly possible, but it's not safe to assume that that's true for others... including your writing partners.

[TheLionKing]

Personally, I never found it cheating. However, there were a few times where I've fallen for the roleplayer but  so many times I've had to tell myself that you like their character not themselves. It had to make me re-evaluate my purpose for roleplay. I wasn't with anyone so not that aspect was an issue but I was young if that can be used as an excuse. I was 15-16 and caught up in a heavily steamy plot. 

However, as I became older my purpose for roleplay is strictly for the art of it and creativity. I truly believe I was very young to separate creativity from emotion rather let emotion enhance the creativity.

[Regina Minx]

Is roleplaying, third-person, erotic role-plays cheating?

That's like asking "is nougat delicious/disgusting?" It's not that it's an invalid question. But each person tasting the nougat gets to define what they consider to be disgusting or delicious or anything in between. Similarly, every couple gets to define what cheating is. Depending on how they do, Elliquiy may or may not be cheating. I don't really care what terms other people put in their relationships as long as it's between two consenting, risk-aware adults. I don't care if couple A has a totally open, non-exclusive understanding in which they are both free to have as much sex and intimacy outside their relationship as either can or wants to have. I don't care if couple B has an understanding not only of physical but emotional exclusivity. All I care about is if I get into a partnership and I have expectations that we're in relationship A, and they feel like they're in relationship B, and that comes down to not being open and honest with your partner about your needs, wants, desires, and expectations.

"Hey hon, I like to write interactive erotic stories with people on a site called E. You cool with me doing that?"

[Csharynn]

Nope. For me I'm on this site to be creative, to make characters put them in different worlds and roleplay. Everything is about the character and character alone.

[Remiel]

Nope. For me I'm on this site to be creative, to make characters put them in different worlds and roleplay. Everything is about the character and character alone.

It's not so simple.  If it were only about the characters, we wouldn't be at a site for collaborative writing, particularly one that advertises itself as "the #1 adult roleplay site on the Internet".    If it were only about the characters, we wouldn't be here.  We'd each be writing our own novels.

There is, whether we like it or not, a form of social interaction that takes place when we roleplay.  Even when we sit down with friends for a session of Dungeons and Dragons, we're interacting with each other on a social level.  How many times have you been in a situation where you make a bad choice or, perhaps, you simply have extremely bad luck, and the DM goes, "you know, that should kill you, but I think I'm going to bend the rules this one time"?  In this case, the GM is choosing to put the needs of the real-life relationship (social cohesion and harmony) over the artificial rules of the campaign.

An analogy I like to use is that when we write sex scenes, we're performers, acting out our roles (except that, in this case, we're the script writers and the directors as well as the actors).  No, we're not our characters, any more than the movie star and starlet who just kissed on-stage are really in love with each other.  But you know what?  Some people get weird about that.  Some people get uncomfortable if their wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend engages in a scripted sex scene with another actor.   And that's up to them.  There is no right and no wrong.

The way I look at roleplay is that it's a form of fantasy.  You're "acting out" a scene that you never get to do in real life.  It's not reality, and most people instinctively understand that.   That's why most people don't have a problem if their partners write romantic fiction.  But some do, and that's between them and their partners.

Roleplay isn't real.  But let's not pretend that it means nothing.

[Hob]

It's not so simple.  If it were only about the characters, we wouldn't be at a site for collaborative writing, particularly one that advertises itself as "the #1 adult roleplay site on the Internet".    If it were only about the characters, we wouldn't be here.  We'd each be writing our own novels.

There is, whether we like it or not, a form of social interaction that takes place when we roleplay.  Even when we sit down with friends for a session of Dungeons and Dragons, we're interacting with each other on a social level.  How many times have you been in a situation where you make a bad choice or, perhaps, you simply have extremely bad luck, and the DM goes, "you know, that should kill you, but I think I'm going to bend the rules this one time"?  In this case, the GM is choosing to put the needs of the real-life relationship (social cohesion and harmony) over the artificial rules of the campaign.

An analogy I like to use is that when we write sex scenes, we're performers, acting out our roles (except that, in this case, we're the script writers and the directors as well as the actors).  No, we're not our characters, any more than the movie star and starlet who just kissed on-stage are really in love with each other.  But you know what?  Some people get weird about that.  Some people get uncomfortable if their wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend engages in a scripted sex scene with another actor.   And that's up to them.  There is no right and no wrong.

The way I look at roleplay is that it's a form of fantasy.  You're "acting out" a scene that you never get to do in real life.  It's not reality, and most people instinctively understand that.   That's why most people don't have a problem if their partners write romantic fiction.  But some do, and that's between them and their partners.

Roleplay isn't real.  But let's not pretend that it means nothing.

Well spoken.

[meikle]

Ask your partner.  Obviously.  Asking strangers means nothing... There is only one opinion that matters.

My partner & I would mutually hate to find the other participating in an activity that demands emotional and intellectual energy & a major time commitment like RP can, because that's what we agreed to reserve for one another.

You need to talk to your partner about what is okay.  Elliquiy is definitely something that would tick a lot of people's cheating box, especially if you keep it secret/hidden (often secrecy is what defines the barrier between okay and not.)

[Tilt]

I'd say it depends on whether you are being honest about your time here or not. If you're not telling your significant other about being a part of this kind of roleplay community, that to me suggests that you already know they might be hurt or feel betrayed. And instead of discussing it honestly, you're removing their agency in this decision by just not letting them have a choice. It's that lie by omission which would make me uncomfortable, and pushes this from being just about writing, into something more deceitful and hurtful. They deserve to have input and decide themselves if this counts as cheating, because they are the person you're with and the person you care about.

Now don't get me wrong, if your significant other demands you don't see other people because they're jealous, screens all of your communications, and is generally controlling, that is abusive and wrong. That crosses a line.

But, in a normal and healthy relationship, you should be able to be honest and respect each others opinions.

[ladybee]

Depends on the couple, and what they/an outlet like this means to you, I feel.

So cheating, I feel, is whatever would make the other partner in a relationship uncomfortable; obviously it's not as clear cut as that, but I think both sides owe openness and honesty to one another- if this part of your life is important to you there's no shame in that, but to some this is an oddity of a hobby/outlet that they won't easily understand.

it's a tough one! I'd sort of imagine the average person would be iffy about a site like this (for their S.O) but everyone around me is VERY old-fashioned, so maybe/maybe not?I am, curious as to what the average would be

[TheLionKing]

I see roleplay in the same light as co-authoring a book. Steven King Co-authored a few books with Dean Koontz if I remember correctly. I don't see their wives getting their panties in a bunch about it. For me cheating involves physical contact with another person while in a relationship with another (unless it is a mutual open relationship).

[Tilt]

I see roleplay in the same light as co-authoring a book. Steven King Co-authored a few books with Dean Koontz if I remember correctly. I don't see their wives getting their panties in a bunch about it. For me cheating involves physical contact with another person while in a relationship with another (unless it is a mutual open relationship).

Wow, this response is just downright disrespectful.

[Tolvo]

I tend to view it as depending on the relationship and what people agree to. There can be different expectations, I imagine your common person might view it as cheating, or a bit weird, if they know nothing about RP or don't know you do it. And it can depend, are you and the other person getting some sort of intimate relationship out of the RP, and is it a monogamous relationship? If so I think it can be. But in a lot of other cases I don't see it as such, but as a thing to bring up like "Hey is it ok if I do thing?" If it is a problem for you then you might have to choose, or even just let others know "Hey my SO isn't cool with erotica so please don't try to write that with me." Or if it is important enough to you or an issue that is important to you then maybe it is time to move on. I imagine even polyamorous people who don't know about RP probably wouldn't care as long as you just asked first.

[Nico]

My RL relationship has nothing to do with me writing here. It's not any different than me doing any other of my hobbies. My husband knows that I am writing here and that stories might get steamy at one point. But that's the point. It is stories. I maintain a clear distinction between myself, the writer, and my characters and I always expect that from a potential writing partner. I would stop writing with someone, the moment I'd sense some kind of blur because this is the moment when I would feel uncomfortable. Whatever happens between characters in a story thread is fine, but it cannot ever mix with the people writing them. I made it very clear in my O/Os where I draw my lines and if it is violated, I speak up. And I think that's the thing. Drawing lines for oneself, wherever they might be. Comfort zones vary and all this.

For me, it is not cheating. I'm living in a predominantly monogamous relationship and I'm very happily married. And still, I love writing here.

[TheLionKing]

My RL relationship has nothing to do with me writing here. It's not any different than me doing any other of my hobbies. My husband knows that I am writing here and that stories might get steamy at one point. But that's the point. It is stories. I maintain a clear distinction between myself, the writer, and my characters and I always expect that from a potential writing partner. I would stop writing with someone, the moment I'd sense some kind of blur because this is the moment when I would feel uncomfortable. Whatever happens between characters in a story thread is fine, but it cannot ever mix with the people writing them. I made it very clear in my O/Os where I draw my lines and if it is violated, I speak up. And I think that's the thing. Drawing lines for oneself, wherever they might be. Comfort zones vary and all this.

For me, it is not cheating. I'm living in a predominantly monogamous relationship and I'm very happily married. And still, I love writing here.

That is exactly how I view it as well. Writing is an art form and I remain a clear solid line between the two. My spouse sees it in the same light. Sometimes she even reads what I've written because she enjoys my writing.

[TheLionKing]

Wow, this response is just downright disrespectful.

How so? Writing has nothing to do with my personal relationships.

[Remiel]

Again, I must stress that roleplay, in this medium, or in a medium like Discord or Instant Messenger, is not quite like co-authoring a book.  It's not that simple.   When you write a book, you're divorced from the characters, their motivations and emotions.  It's quite likely that you have the entire plot mapped out in advance, or at least a vague outline.

As I said above, a more accurate analogy to use would be like you were acting in an adult play.  At the end of the day, you're just acting, performing a role with your fellow actors.  And yet, there is actual physical contact which might make the actors, or the romantic partners of those actors, uncomfortable.

Roleplay is the same, except that instead of physical contact there is more of an...emotional, or intellectual bond.   

For me, it is not cheating. I'm living in a predominantly monogamous relationship and I'm very happily married. And still, I love writing here.

Emphasis mine.  For Nico, roleplaying is not cheating.   He can compartmentalize his hobby (writing on E), maintain a healthy separation between that and his actual, real life relationship.

It's not fair to generalize that for everyone.  It's a grey area, for which there are no clearly defined rules.

[Nico]

It's not fair to generalize that for everyone.  It's a grey area, for which there are no clearly defined rules.

Agreed. It's difficult to generalise something everyone has a different approach to. Everyone makes their own rules when it comes to this particular topic, I'd say.

[Tilt]

How so? Writing has nothing to do with my personal relationships.

Because personal relationships, to begin with, are about giving and taking and understanding one another. Instead of considering why a sexual or romantic partner might consider it a violation of their trust if you are writing or fantasizing about having sex with other people, which you dismiss as getting their panties in a wad. It's very invalidating, which is in turn rude.

Couples may not always agree on what counts as cheating, which is why respectful communication is necessary. But that takes listening to both sides, not just trying to control everything and dismissing the other perspective as hysterical and wrong.

[Strega]

May I suggest something? Especially for those struggling with the idea of cheating.

Let's not be so absolute on the terms. As Remiel said, this area is rather grey and relationships should be considered a grey area as well. Us, painting relations in black and white, are the wrong ones here. We create identities and struggle hard to stick to them, for reasons of (in)security mostly, or need, or fear or anything you could possible name.

Instead of having such a question spinning inside your head making you feel guilty, I would suggest changing your perspective. RP is a means to be someone else, isn't it? Maybe explore an idea, a fantasy even, to come into terms with a part of you that you cannot possibly grasp with no one, name them friend/parent/partner. Engaging into it with someone else makes it even more 'tangible' comparing to reading a book about it. So in my eyes, it becomes something like.. therapy. I personally consider RP a means of healing.

Now, if your partner considers it to be cheating.. well, there is probably more there and you are definitely not to blame for your needs to escape in any possible way.

[TheLionKing]

May I suggest something? Especially for those struggling with the idea of cheating.

Let's not be so absolute on the terms. As Remiel said, this area is rather grey and relationships should be considered a grey area as well. Us, painting relations in black and white, are the wrong ones here. We create identities and struggle hard to stick to them, for reasons of (in)security mostly, or need, or fear or anything you could possible name.

Instead of having such a question spinning inside your head making you feel guilty, I would suggest changing your perspective. RP is a means to be someone else, isn't it? Maybe explore an idea, a fantasy even, to come into terms with a part of you that you cannot possibly grasp with no one, name them friend/parent/partner. Engaging into it with someone else makes it even more 'tangible' comparing to reading a book about it. So in my eyes, it becomes something like.. therapy. I personally consider RP a means of healing.

Now, if your partner considers it to be cheating.. well, there is probably more there and you are definitely not to blame for your needs to escape in any possible way.

Beautifully put

[Strega]

And something simpler, as an analogy:

If you RP killing someone, does it make you a killer?

[AmberStarfire]

I remember comparing adult RP to killing characters before, but some of my views have changed. Sexuality tends to be emotional, mental and almost spiritual, and not just physical. Adult roleplaying can be highly sexual from a mental and at times emotional stance, even though it isn't physical and it's written IC. Therefore I think it can tread on ground that's considered sacred, private or otherwise limited to a romantic relationship. I think it depends on the couple and how they feel about it, and what's acceptable in their relationship for that reason.

[Tilt]

May I suggest something? Especially for those struggling with the idea of cheating.

Let's not be so absolute on the terms. As Remiel said, this area is rather grey and relationships should be considered a grey area as well. Us, painting relations in black and white, are the wrong ones here. We create identities and struggle hard to stick to them, for reasons of (in)security mostly, or need, or fear or anything you could possible name.

Instead of having such a question spinning inside your head making you feel guilty, I would suggest changing your perspective. RP is a means to be someone else, isn't it? Maybe explore an idea, a fantasy even, to come into terms with a part of you that you cannot possibly grasp with no one, name them friend/parent/partner. Engaging into it with someone else makes it even more 'tangible' comparing to reading a book about it. So in my eyes, it becomes something like.. therapy. I personally consider RP a means of healing.

Now, if your partner considers it to be cheating.. well, there is probably more there and you are definitely not to blame for your needs to escape in any possible way.

Let me preface this by saying I don't think roleplaying is cheating, personally. I don't come on here to get off, I come here because I enjoy writing and sex is a part of what I like to write. Additionally, I find that writing with someone is easier than writing on my own. My romantic partners know this, I've spoken to them about it, and have even discussed the RPs I'm currently in (And as someone who is poly, I generally find that talking with partners is the best way to handle these situations in general).

So my perspective is not, 'Roleplaying is cheating, no matter if you're on here to play out sexual fantasies or just to have fun writing casually' and more, 'you should listen to and respect your partner's perspective because they're the one who you are in a relationship with and ultimately it's their opinions that should matter to you, not mine.' All I am saying is that if you are in a relationship, you should talk to your romantic partner. Don't immediately dismiss their perspective, don't assume they'd be okay with it, just act like a mature adult who is in a relationship and communicate. You're supposed to be in a caring, committed relationship with this person, for goodness sake. How can you maintain a healthy relationship if you can't even settle what counts as cheating without resorting to name-calling and insults?

Lastly, that point could be put in reverse, which is likely where a partner's anxiety would come from. YOU are on here to heal, and *I* am on here to write, but not all of our partners might be here for the same reason.

I can't count the number of people I've met over the years who treat roleplay sites as a discount dating app. Even when I start an RP by expressly telling them, 'Hey, I am not here to romance anyone. This is platonic writing and maybe a friendship. Nothing more,' eventually someone will start treating me as a potential sex partner. I've had to drop whole RPs before, ones I've enjoyed, because the other person suddenly starts asking about dating.

I can see how that would make someone anxious. Sure, you might have the best of intentions, but do your partners? Where is the line in the sand?

That's where I really think it's up to us to let them know where the line is. It's up to us to be sincere and open about what roleplaying means and let them know they can trust us.

((Also, quick note at the end: This should go without saying, but I am discussing this within the confines of a healthy relationship. If your partner doesn't want you to roleplay because they don't want you to be in contact with people of the sex that you're attracted to, that's abusive and wrong. I am not excusing people who are manipulative and controlling and want to cut you off from your friends or community.))

[Nico]

And something simpler, as an analogy:

If you RP killing someone, does it make you a killer?

So true, that. For me at least. It's like.. if a character of mine kills someone, they do not kill someone for real. And if they have sex with someone, it doesn't mean that I, the writer, has sex with someone. Everyone probably has a different view on it all, but that's what it is like for me. Writing is wonderful, I love doing it, I love writing erotica but for me, it does not mean that I do those things to another person (or even want to do them with someone), only to fictional beings in a fictional setting.

Some of my best experiences was me writing an erotic scene with someone and OOC we chatted about the crappy weather back then, Christmas preparations and holiday plans. That's the separation I am looking for. Yes, of course, we agreed on how hot that scene was, but that was that. It all didn't influence our OOC talks or made us more than writing partners and online friends (and OMG I miss that particular person).

But in the end, this is such an individual thing. Each relationship is different, people have different rules, expectations and outlooks on their relationship. How it all works and how people approach that thing is probably different with each one you ask.

That's where I really think it's up to us to let them know where the line is. It's up to us to be sincere and open about what roleplaying means and let them know they can trust us.

Exactly. All about boundaries and comfort zones and those have to be communicated clearly and unmistakably. :-)

[Strega]

I remember comparing adult RP to killing characters before, but some of my views have changed. Sexuality tends to be emotional, mental and almost spiritual, and not just physical. Adult roleplaying can be highly sexual from a mental and at times emotional stance, even though it isn't physical and it's written IC. Therefore I think it can tread on ground that's considered sacred, private or otherwise limited to a romantic relationship. I think it depends on the couple and how they feel about it, and what's acceptable in their relationship for that reason.

I see your point, I agree. I have talked hastily.

RP can be used for covering emotional needs. You might be married for years but might feel the need to feel desired again. I see no harm in putting a little bit of your own soul inside a character. It is like crying; you just let the emotion run out freely.

'Cheating' is a dangerous label.

Let RP be your haven, your very own healing pool. RP is very personal after all, why should it antagonize the love you have for your partner? I understand the need for some people to share everything with their spouses/partners. But, for me at least, RP is considered as a diary. Would you let your diary exposed to anyone? No no no  XD

[AmberStarfire]

Strega: I might need to agree to disagree with you on it. :) I'm not saying I view adult RP without a partner's consent as cheating, but I do view it as potentially disloyal. I don't think healing by RP is really healing if it would compromise or harm a relationship if someone's partner was in the know.

[Strega]

Strega: I might need to agree to disagree with you on it. :) I'm not saying I view adult RP without a partner's consent as cheating, but I do view it as potentially disloyal. I don't think healing by RP is really healing if it would compromise or harm a relationship if someone's partner was in the know.

Allow me to agree and disagree as well. It depends. I personally know my boundaries, but a partner is not 'me'. What if they asked you to stop RPing?

[Zaphod]

There's a much simpler answer to this question in my opinion. Elliquiy is cheating if your partner consders it to be cheating. Your opinion on this does not matter, only your partner's. :-)

[AmberStarfire]

Allow me to agree and disagree as well. It depends. I personally know my boundaries, but a partner is not 'me'. What if they asked you to stop RPing?

I know that won't happen because my partners are both on Elliquiy. I wouldn't like it, but I'd stop roleplaying. I wouldn't leave my online partner regardless of what was on the line. I guess we each have our limits of how far we would go.

[meikle]

Wow, this response is just downright disrespectful.

people like to establish the boundaries they want in a relationship vs being truthful about the expectations they have for their partner

There's a much simpler answer to this question in my opinion. Elliquiy is cheating if your partner consders it to be cheating. Your opinion on this does not matter, only your partner's. :-)

but this is right and how it actually works.  "no, honey, that wasn't technically cheating according to the rules i've established for myself" is not going to end the fight.

[Tolvo]

There are quite a few people who don't even like when their partner's regularly have meals one on one with people they could be attracted to. Depending on the person RP'ing with someone in any sexual context might come off as more severe due to the sexual aspect, similar to the previous example of a play with nudity and physical contact. Various different cultures see things differently too. Someone from France may see kissing as very friendly, someone from America might lose their shit seeing a partner be kissed by someone from a culture where kissing is not seen as strictly intimate.

[Remiel]

Allow me to agree and disagree as well. It depends. I personally know my boundaries, but a partner is not 'me'. What if they asked you to stop RPing?

The short answer to this is that it is something you probably need to sit down and talk through with your partner.

I used to know a former Elliquiy member who referred to E as "that weird sex website."  She was being facetious, but nevertheless, I think there is basic question that we need to ask ourselves: "would my partner be upset or angry if he or she knew about this?"  If the answer is yes, I don't know that I would go so far as to call it cheating, but there is definitely a potential issue there.

[Tolvo]

Honestly even just RP sites in general there are a lot of people who see them that way. While E is more erotic focused ones that aren't people will often assume are very sexual since that's kind of the pop culture view on RP. I usually don't even tell people I RP because it is frowned upon so heavily even in gaming circles unless you're playing a tabletop. If i ever mention I RP'ed on an MMO(Mainly Star Wars Galaxies) people don't assume people in rare outfits having dialogue about the mentality of the Empire, they assume Goldshire Inn Druids in bear form going at it.

[Blythe]

There's a much simpler answer to this question in my opinion. Elliquiy is cheating if your partner consders it to be cheating. Your opinion on this does not matter, only your partner's. :-)

I've seen too many instances of one partner labeling every genuinely reasonable hobby of their SO as cheating to control them to be comfortable with any answer that is 'Your opinion doesn't matter, only the other person's.' This is a recipe to get stuck with an unhealthy controlling relationship, in my opinion.

I'm not saying the the other person's opinion doesn't matter. I'm just saying it's not the only one that matters.

[Oniya]

There's a much simpler answer to this question in my opinion. Elliquiy is cheating if your partner consders it to be cheating. Your opinion on this does not matter, only your partner's. :-)

And this is where communication comes in.  I'm sure that (to use TheLionKing's example), Tabitha King and Gerda Koontz were perfectly aware that their husbands were writing stories together.  Heck, it's very possible that the two men talked to their spouses about parts of their writing.  (I seem to recall that Tabitha King has been thanked in some of her husband's dedications).

If your SO thinks that writing adult RP is cheating, talk to them.  If your communication with your spouse is at a point where you can't talk to them, you might want to talk to a counselor.

[Tilt]

This entire conversation reminds me of a similar moral question: Is porn cheating?

Which, to me, is a solid no. I think the sudden jolt towards hard conservatism, with sites like Tumblr or Facebook banning sexual content, is ultimately harmful to healthy sexuality. While I disapprove of the porn industry, which is a different subject entirely, I also think it's unhealthy to restrict a person's sexual outlet to just one person. There are people who truly believe that when get romantically involved with someone, even having thoughts of other people is cheating.

That is incredibly unhealthy, in my opinion. It forces a huge burden on a partner to always be physically or emotionally available and drives a sense of entitlement.

Which is an important conversation to have with a partner. Because if I am dating someone, I hope I'd be able to agree on this very basic point. If there's a fundamental difference in how we view faithfulness, that needs to be something we talk about. I can't just decide they're wrong and do something I know would upset them just because my perspective is different.

And again, I feel the need to state: This implies that other lines a significant other draws are within reason. If they are being controlling and abusive, get out.

[SweetSerenade]

So, I am both Poly and Open. Essentially, my marriage is open to sex outside of it and relationships outside of it. This is not for everyone, and doesn't always work for everyone. We talk about when we are interested in someone else and if any of the partners say 'no I'm not ok with that' it's a no. I have my husband, and I have my boyfriend.

One of the first things people learn about me is that I rp, I will not give up my rping for anyone (with maybe the exception if it became a requirement for me to keep my child and in that instance that is the only way I'd give it up). My roleplaying is a creative and emotional outlet for me. It is legitimately one of my few hobbies, and I have only a few others that only happen a few times a year (going to conventions and cosplaying). I don't play videogames often, I am not interested in going out to sporting stuff, I am happy with my writing.

I let people know I am not someone that will be controlled. I like watching porn sometimes, hell I was a model for awhile, and I like adult rp. Just because I write something sexual with someone doesn't mean I'm going to leave my partner for this other person. Hell, most of the time I rp with my partners as well - it's a bonding experience.

If anyone, partner or otherwise, tried to manipulate me and separate me from one of the few hobbies I have I would flat out say to them (and have said!) "Why are you so scared of me writing these things? You enjoy your porn and gaming, let me enjoy my writing. Just because I'm writing something sexual doesn't mean I want to be sexual with the person I'm writing with. Don't ask me to give up something I love unless you're willing to do the same."

Mind you relationships are about compromise, but if one party is expected to make a compromise on something that's important to them while the other party does not - that is a huge red flag. If you expect someone to give something up, that they love - that is not causing true harm, but you yourself are not willing to make any sacrifices, that's toxic and manipulative. 

Kissing is not sexual to me, cuddling with someone is not sexual to me. The nature of sexual is tied into the situation itself and the people involved. If my partner can't talk to me about their insecurities and why my writing bothers them (mind you I still will not give it up, but I will try to help them with those insecurities) than the issue is much deeper than me writing a cute girl getting banged.

This is how I see it, and how I make myself known. From the start, I make it clear I am a writer, and I like writing in adult situations. If someone is interested in me - they accept that as part of the package or they don't get to be with me, simple as that.

[Blythe]

I wonder if my stance and experience differs from some folks because of how I tend to approach relationships. Roleplaying (non-erotic or erotic) has been part of my life for years. In RL, I tend to get involved with other people who like at least non-erotic RPing like Dungeons & Dragons. So my romantic partners tend not to bat an eye when I tell them (just as an example) I've been writing on a site where I can at last write out the smutty results of that natural 20 roll I got for my bard to seduce a dragon.

Meaning that I think this sort of dialogue is easier when the other person already has a grasp on RPing & what it is in some shape or form. I think that the less familiar a person is with roleplaying, the more likely they may be to see it as cheating. (<-Just me musing, I could be 100% dead wrong there)

And it also explains my own hardline stance of "Someone who thinks this is cheating is someone I cannot be compatible with." A lot of my stance comes from being very open and up front and honest that I'm a RPer who likes adult content. Just as being open and talking early on gives me a chance to decide if someone viewing it as cheating isn't right for me since I don't like that stance and am not interested in changing my hobbies, and they get a chance to be like "whoa no, that is a deal breaker for me, too" if they don't approve of my hobbies.

[Nico]

I wonder if my stance and experience differs from some folks because of how I tend to approach relationships.

I think that is the point. Everyone approaches relationships in their own, individual way and thus, there's no universal answer to the cheating thing. Even what is cheating and what is not, is as individual as relationships are. :-)

[Tilt]

And it also explains my own hardline stance of "Someone who thinks this is cheating is someone I cannot be compatible with." A lot of my stance comes from being very open and up front and honest that I'm a RPer who likes adult content. Just as being open and talking early on gives me a chance to decide if someone viewing it as cheating isn't right for me since I don't like that stance and am not interested in changing my hobbies, and they get a chance to be like "whoa no, that is a deal breaker for me, too" if they don't approve of my hobbies.

It is 100% alright if you feel that someone disagreeing with you on this point may not be someone you want to continue having a relationship with. Most likely, it speaks to a deeper difference in how you approach relationships and a fundamental difference in how you view sex. If you cannot see eye to eye, it might be time to move on.

Some disagreements will break a relationship and that's alright.

[Mirrah]

I've had writing partners decide to stop writing stories because they felt that they were getting too attached--sometimes that happens, even if it wasn't the original intent. Even if it was with the best and most innocent of intentions, sometimes people can't stop how they feel, or how their thinking changes. Maybe it was just them, or maybe it was a sense that they may cross a certain set boundary and want more. I can't blame them. I sympathize and empathize with them, but say goodbye to the story. Goodness knows, I can't say I've never become attached to a writing buddy before. Certainly, it's different for everyone though.

I don't mind making friends on E, but I get uncomfortable when I think someone is looking for more intimacy than that. I think intentions make up a lot of what goes into that spiral called Cheating. Is Elliquiy, on its own, cheating? No. Is being on Elliquiy and writing here, smutty or not, cheating? Not necessarily. What you, the writer, do while on E (or through E) with other Members though, can become considered cheating.

I think everyone knows in their heart once they start feeling like they're cheating. I'm pretty sure those who have Significant Others know when theirs might consider something to be cheating as well. In any relationship, there is an establishment and agreement of boundaries--especially those that shouldn't be crossed, if the relationship is to remain stable.

[Nico]

I don't mind making friends on E, but I get uncomfortable when I think someone is looking for more intimacy than that.

I hear you! It would make me uncomfortable as well. As much as I love and adore all my writing partners and friends on here, they are friends and it won't ever be more than that from my end. It's not different to my RL friends, all things considered.

[WindFish]

I wouldn't call it cheating. There's a huge difference between writing erotica with someone than actually doing those things with someone.

I wouldn't want to write with anyone who considered it cheating either. That crosses a line for me, personally.

[MrThorne]

I would say that is a question you and your partner need to decide for yourselves. Speaking for my wife and I, we've both done erotic roleplaying since before we met, and writing has long been an outlet for us to express our sexuality in a creative manner. We're both bisexual, and this format gives us a chance to explore that part of our nature without compromising our real world relationship. In that context I'd say that erotic roleplay has actually improved our relationship.

That being said, I consider it cheating if you're not honest with your partner. I always make it very clear to my partners that I am a happily married man, and I tell my wife about the roleplays I'm involved with. In the past we've even shared partners :)

That being said, if my wife told me that doing this made her uncomfortable, or thought I was becoming too intimate with one of my partners, I would stop. Communication is key to a good relationship, and that means always being honest with them.

[Invidiam]

Interesting question. My partner and I were actually discussing this and we both seem to be in agreement that it definitely is not, as long as you communicate to your partner that you are engaging in it and they aren't uncomfortable with it. That said, I would go further and say that the answer is entirely relative. To some people it will be cheating, to some it won't be. There are after all relationships where even sleeping with other people is not considered cheating by the partner as long as it is not hidden. So the answer to this question will lie entirely in the perception of your partner.

[Gman001]

So, I am both Poly and Open. Essentially, my marriage is open to sex outside of it and relationships outside of it. This is not for everyone, and doesn't always work for everyone. We talk about when we are interested in someone else and if any of the partners say 'no I'm not ok with that' it's a no. I have my husband, and I have my boyfriend.

One of the first things people learn about me is that I rp, I will not give up my rping for anyone (with maybe the exception if it became a requirement for me to keep my child and in that instance that is the only way I'd give it up). My roleplaying is a creative and emotional outlet for me. It is legitimately one of my few hobbies, and I have only a few others that only happen a few times a year (going to conventions and cosplaying). I don't play videogames often, I am not interested in going out to sporting stuff, I am happy with my writing.

I let people know I am not someone that will be controlled. I like watching porn sometimes, hell I was a model for awhile, and I like adult rp. Just because I write something sexual with someone doesn't mean I'm going to leave my partner for this other person. Hell, most of the time I rp with my partners as well - it's a bonding experience.

If anyone, partner or otherwise, tried to manipulate me and separate me from one of the few hobbies I have I would flat out say to them (and have said!) "Why are you so scared of me writing these things? You enjoy your porn and gaming, let me enjoy my writing. Just because I'm writing something sexual doesn't mean I want to be sexual with the person I'm writing with. Don't ask me to give up something I love unless you're willing to do the same."

Mind you relationships are about compromise, but if one party is expected to make a compromise on something that's important to them while the other party does not - that is a huge red flag. If you expect someone to give something up, that they love - that is not causing true harm, but you yourself are not willing to make any sacrifices, that's toxic and manipulative. 

Kissing is not sexual to me, cuddling with someone is not sexual to me. The nature of sexual is tied into the situation itself and the people involved. If my partner can't talk to me about their insecurities and why my writing bothers them (mind you I still will not give it up, but I will try to help them with those insecurities) than the issue is much deeper than me writing a cute girl getting banged.

This is how I see it, and how I make myself known. From the start, I make it clear I am a writer, and I like writing in adult situations. If someone is interested in me - they accept that as part of the package or they don't get to be with me, simple as that.

So many clapping gifs I could append to this. Wow. Well said.

[Daena]

I tend to agree with the sentiment that it depends on the relationship and if it is something you are hiding.

Now having said that I do believe everyone is allowed their own secrets within a relationship, but this is just a bit different. I could see how someone could take what happens here the wrong way. After all there is conversations, teasing, and even flirting that happens here, not to mention the erotica that is written. So if it is kept a secret and the significant other finds out on their own - it could lead to issues.

But at its core, I do not see this as cheating, but I would not be too surprised if my Significant Other had issues regarding what it is that happens here, or had questions. Although I do not see myself stopping what I do here, I would set out to explain what happens, and to help them understand that to me this is simply writing. I would wish to ease their concerns and see that they understand to me this is no different then some other common hobbies.

But I could see someone taking issue, but hopefully once they understood they would accept it -- if not it is time to consider the relationship.

At least that is how I see it all. This is something I will not give up - I love writing and doing so with another is a challenge that writing on my own does not provide .

[MidnightMouse]

I think it's a really fascinating actually, and it sparked a wonderful conversation with my other half. For both of us we are in agreement that we do not consider any type of fictional interaction to be cheating or even slightly threatening to the relationship, that being said we do have a pretty open relationship sexually speaking and have always been honest with the other person when it comes to our thoughts and attractions to other people - I'm a little unsure how much weight this carries in our views on this particular question though.

He loves the fact that I am creative, so if that creativity happens to include role plays of a sexual nature with other people, he says he loves that about me too. He doesn't write but has always taken an interest and strives to understand anything that i'm in to, myself the same for him.

I think it comes down to communication with your partner and if there were feelings of guilt associated with taking part in role-plays then it would certainly be worth having a sit down with the other person and going over your feelings about it, once you fully understand why you're feeling that way in the first place of course.

[Nico]

I think it's a really fascinating actually, and it sparked a wonderful conversation with my other half. For both of us we are in agreement that we do not consider any type of fictional interaction to be cheating or even slightly threatening to the relationship, that being said we do have a pretty open relationship sexually speaking and have always been honest with the other person when it comes to our thoughts and attractions to other people - I'm a little unsure how much weight this carries in our views on this particular question though.

He loves the fact that I am creative, so if that creativity happens to include role plays of a sexual nature with other people, he says he loves that about me too. He doesn't write but has always taken an interest and strives to understand anything that i'm in to, myself the same for him.

I think it comes down to communication with your partner and if there were feelings of guilt associated with taking part in role-plays then it would certainly be worth having a sit down with the other person and going over your feelings about it, once you fully understand why you're feeling that way in the first place of course.

I can relate to that a lot. My husband does not write, but he wouldn't ever think of keeping me from a beloved hobby. It is not more for me and it will never be more than that.

And I couldn't agree more. Communication is where it is at.

[karkas132]

It comes down to what each couple personally decides however my wife doesn't care lol. We are secure and confident in our relationship and that any play I do ERP wise is not going to affect our relationship in a negative way, quite the contrary it gives me an outlet for those certain kinky things that she's not particularly into doing. Also I am a story first role player and she knows this, she sees it as no different as when I work on my novel and write a sex scene between two characters.

As long as Im not beating off to my role play and neglecting her needs as a result she doesnt mind.

[Anouk Daae]

So I've been very vocal about how I generally don't think role playing is cheating ever.

Recently some stuff has come up in my life to remind me that there is a grey area.

Specifically, one would need to outline that there is a small but clear different between "cheating" vs "being unfaithful." A lot the time, people can squeeze by through thinking that if you're not physically cheating, then you're fine. An easy way to look at it would be: would I hide this from my partner/ would I be ashamed if they saw this/ would I feel jealous if I discovered they were doing this?
If the answer to all 3 is "No," then you're mostly in the clear. I say "mostly" because it also depends on your relationship dynamic and having that conversation.

I knew a guy who was heavily into smut. His wife found out, and she threatened to divorce him. At first, I didn't entirely understand it. Then I discovered he had been hiding the fact that he was married in order to flirt with some of his other writing partners. I've always been very upfront with my status as a married woman. I keep very clear lines drawn between my writing partners and the stories we write, so with us it never came up. To that end, I can easily see where his wife was upset. He was actively being unfaithful. Even if he never physically touched anyone else, he was being emotionally unfaithful and that is sometimes just as painful, if not more so, than physically cheating.

It also depends on a person's view of sexual intimacy. For me and my husband as an example, we both view sex as a symptom that stems from a deeper emotional connection. If one of us were to get blitz drunk and sleep with someone else - it's not ideal but we would work through it. If, however, one of us were to become emotionally invested in another person - that's cheating and it becomes unforgivable.

Now with regards to writing... Most of us pour our hearts and souls into our characters. Even if we keep a clear line between ourselves and our stories, to some degree we are emotionally invested in those characters. Which means, eventually, we will become emotionally invested in our writing partners. There is a line buried underneath all that grey area murkiness. It depends, I think, on where you take it. Do you let that emotional investment manifest as a relationship which you then squirrel away from your real-life partner, or do you let it manifest as a friendship that you talk openly about with your real-life partner?

If I were to oversimplify is, I would say "If you feel like it's something you need to hide from your partner, then you are cheating."

I used to think across the board that it was - point blank - not cheating. Recently however, I had found myself developing romantic feelings for a writing partner outside of my marriage. I started noticing that I was hiding conversations from my husband. What I did was I had the conversation with my husband. I explained that I loved him and that hadn't changed, but that I wanted to explore my feelings for this other individual. I think what made him ok with it all was that this other individual is a woman, so he doesn't feel threatened. It is a very specific situation for us, and it therefore may not help others.

When I asked him recently what his take on this subject was, he mentioned that his view is based on how open our communicative lines have always been. We trust each other. I've spoken to him about this all before. I'm always very clear and concise with any questions he has, and even with the questions he doesn't think to ask. Full transparency is a corner stone of any healthy relationship. You have to ask yourself 1) is there something you feel you need to hide and then 2) why . Depending on the answers, either you are being unfaithful or they might not be the right person for you.

Yeah, sorry that was long-winded.

[impreg21]

I would not be comfortable with my partner taking part in erotic roleplay with anyone other than me, and I would classify it as cheating; however, I wouldn't mind if it was non-sexual roleplay as that is not different to RPG gaming etc.

After all, there is no doubt in my mind that the people who she is roleplaying with are getting off to it, and she may be turned on by it, too. It's not the same as a generic novel which is written by an author; roleplays are tailored and are intimate.

[Blythe]

I would not be comfortable with my partner taking part in erotic roleplay with anyone other than me, and I would classify it as cheating; however, I wouldn't mind if it was non-sexual roleplay as that is not different to RPG gaming etc.

After all, there is no doubt in my mind that the people who she is roleplaying with are getting off to it, and she may be turned on by it, too. It's not the same as a generic novel which is written by an author; roleplays are tailored and are intimate.

I'm sort of curious though since you're here looking for erotic content. Assuming you do have a partner (I do try not to assume if someone does or doesn't), does that mean what you are doing here is also cheating by your own definition?

Mostly asking because my SO and I are the opposite; she knows I RP here, she knows it is adult content, and she's okay with that. I, in return, am fine with her RPIng any erotica she pleases where she likes. For us it's just fantasy stories, after all.

[Azy]

An interesting question, and I agree that it depends on the individual couple.  I live below a couple who are both extremely jealous people.  The guy will pout if the woman even tells a story about an ex in front of him.  I saw this happen, she was telling me about a guy she dated ten years ago, and it wasn't even I liked him and miss him.  She was telling me how she broke up with him because he was a dick.  The guy didn't like that.  There is also a social aspect here. 

To me, it a hobby.  I am not my characters.  I prefer to write in 3rd person because of personal comfort.  But when I talk to my partners in pm, or post in the social areas, I'm being friendly, not having cyber sex.  To me, if a person I was with didn't like me being on here and writing what I do, I would feel like they didn't trust me.  I don't see socializing online all that much different than hanging out with people in person. 

[Aviva]

A very interesting question, and so here is my opinion.

I used to role-play here on a regular basis (a long time ago) Part of my reason for such a long departure is I got into a relationship with someone who was not comfortable with me roleplaying in sexual contexts and out of respect for them, I did not return to such, even though I thought of here frequently over the years.

However now that relationship has come to an end I feel I am able to return here with a clear conscience and enjoy my time. Which I could never have done while with them, knowing how they felt about it. However, it has brought to my mind, would I give that part of me up again in the future? Honestly, the answer is, I do not think so.

Based on that experience, I think whether it is cheating or not comes down to each couple's decisions and whether they can be happy with their partner doing intimate story telling with other people.  What works for one couple won't necessarily work for another.

[Leon Weber]

Its one of those things that quite frankly needs to be discussed with potential and new partners before going forward.

What quantifies cheating is different for each and every individual relationship which is why clear guidelines need to be laid out by new couples at the beginning so that neither party is confused about what the boundaries of the new relationship is.

Much like to some people flirting or looking at pornography is cheating, to other people even having sex with other people isn't cheating within the boundaries they have set for their relationship, open marriages, polyamory and so forth.

Would I ever personally give up roleplaying, including roleplays that include sex or kinks for a partner? No, I wouldn't personally but I would make that clear when the discussion over boundaries is formed at the beginning of a relationship.

Roleplaying for me is generally story based and not sex-focused but sex is a normal and natural part of human life and while I don't think every story needs sex to feel genuine, sexual interaction makes characters feel more grounded, its also a safe-avenue to explore sexual themes and kinks that one might be unsure of how they feel about in a irl scenario and so forth.

[Vlexia]

Its one of those things that quite frankly needs to be discussed with potential and new partners before going forward.

What quantifies cheating is different for each and every individual relationship which is why clear guidelines need to be laid out by new couples at the beginning so that neither party is confused about what the boundaries of the new relationship is.

Much like to some people flirting or looking at pornography is cheating, to other people even having sex with other people isn't cheating within the boundaries they have set for their relationship, open marriages, polyamory and so forth.

Would I ever personally give up roleplaying, including roleplays that include sex or kinks for a partner? No, I wouldn't personally but I would make that clear when the discussion over boundaries is formed at the beginning of a relationship.

Roleplaying for me is generally story based and not sex-focused but sex is a normal and natural part of human life and while I don't think every story needs sex to feel genuine, sexual interaction makes characters feel more grounded, its also a safe-avenue to explore sexual themes and kinks that one might be unsure of how they feel about in a irl scenario and so forth.

I love this answer. Very well stated and I agree with it completely.

[Silvered Sutures]

I think this is very much a matter of boundaries. Some people will say that sleeping in the same bed as someone else without sex joining the mix is cheating, some people will think that it's stupid to get a two bedroom hotel room when a single bed is significantly less expensive, regardless of whom that implies you'll be sharing a bed with.

Some people believe that playing erotic videogames is cheating, others think its a perfectly acceptable way to deal with your basic urges when your partner isn't in the mood.

Some people think playfully flirting among friends is cheating, and some do not.

Some people think that polyamorous relationships cannot work due to jealousy, some believe its ridiculous to expect one partner to fulfill all your needs and that a small group is much better equipped to satisfy all involved individuals' necessities.

It's important to have a serious conversation with your partner(s) about those things. Some partners believe it to be, some do not, and I firmly think that - much like beauty - cheating is subjective and in the eye of the beholder. It's kind of like you get taught in grade school; when someone states that you've hurt their feelings, you don't get to say you didn't because that wasn't your intent.

[BritBitch]

My last long term ex wasn’t thrilled about it tbh. I don’t think he liked the idea of me talking about that stuff with other people. Plus most adult rp forums have  personals sections and/or chat rooms. I think it can also be about the time devoted to RP and forum participation. I have never been secretive about it, because that just instantly makes it more than it is from the get go. My partner now really couldn’t care less. To him it’s no different to watching porn, I just happen to be writing it myself. It’s really rare that I will watch porn because 99% of it just does nothing for me. He on the other hand enjoys it pretty frequently.

[cindyluv]

I don't think that playing here, on other RP sites or chat rooms is considered cheating ....my wife encouraged me to join here and together we both get a kick out of reading both my posts and my partner's....as she says, this is all fictional, it's not as if we exchange photos of each other, addresses and phone numbers....my wife posts on Literotica.com and I have no qualm about that

[LadyLimeaide]

I think it really depends on the comfort level and the amount of understanding you have with your partner.

Because while it can be considered just a hobby, or acting out fantasies there's a distinct difference between erotic roleplay and sexting.

Sexting is generally an intimate exchange between two people, while roleplaying is an intimate exchange between two CHARACTERS.

It's sort of like asking a porn star if filming a porn with someone besides their partner is considered cheating or not.

Because while the actor is fully entitled to their livelihood and bodily anatomy, their partner may not be able to see the drawn line in regards to the intimate act.

So the bottom line is, if your partner thinks it's cheating there is clearly a discussion that has to be made because while one partner is absolutely entitled to their passion for writing, the other person is also entitled to the idea that intimacy- of any kind- should only take place between themselves and their partner.

Neither is right or wrong but if you can't compromise you might not be able to make the situation work without effort and compromise.

Does a partner have the right to stop you from roleplaying? Absolutely not, but regardless of the reasons you can't fault your partner for their views either.

So then it comes down to, is your partner able to compromise? Are you? Can THEY give you the fulfilment you need by trying out roleplaying, etc?

It's not really a simple yes or no.

[Oniya]

I'm fairly sure that I've mentioned it in this thread before, but whether you're talking about marriage or Monopoly, cheating depends on 'what are the rules you play by?'  And just like very few people actually follow the fine-print, top-of-the-box rules for Monopoly, every marriage/relationship is likely to have its own rules.  Just make sure that everyone agrees to and is following the 'house rules', and you're going to avoid major surprises.

Talk to your partner.  It helps a lot.

(However, if one of your rules is that your spouse/partner must be able to read the RP in question, they do have to be a member of the site.)

[Krasnaya]

I think in order for erotic roleplay to be considered as cheating, one should consider some factors.

I personally don't think not telling your partner you like to write fictional erotic literature with other people is cheating. It's just hiding things, and hiding things is never a good thing. But overall, if the reason why you're writing erotica is for the sole reason as a form of creative relief, or even serves as a practice for writing or maybe even living out a fantasy you simply cannot achieve in the real world (like writing erotica with monsters or aliens or canon fictional characters,) I honestly think that it's quite alright.

However, if you do get a bit too close with your writing partner and take the erotica writing too seriously even to the point where you prefer to write than to be with your real life partner... That could be considered as a red flag.

Even worse if you start to compare your real life partner to your writing or the character that your rp buddy had made... Yeah, that would be the closest to what I would call cheating, excluding getting too close with your writing partner.

All in all, it's all about boundaries.

[ladia2287]

I faced this question with one of my very first erotic RP partners (long before I joined E). He told me pretty early on that he had a girlfriend and asked if I was okay with that. I was single at the time and told him I personally wasn’t looking for anything more than roleplay, and that as long as his girlfriend was cool with it I was too.

I’ve also had romantic partners who have known and encouraged me to explore erotic rp to my heart’s content.

I think it depends on the couple and on the boundaries of each person involved. If all sides know and are cool with it, it’s not cheating. If even one person puts boundaries up and those boundaries are crossed, it is cheating and/or a dick move

[Dor]

I've been in both instances where my ex-partner considered it as me being unfaithful and hated the idea of me writing erotic stories with others, despite the fact that any OOC communication was purely for plotting and general friendly talk. 

My current partner, however, encourages it and loves the fact I am being creative with my writing be it erotic or not. Sometimes he even pitches in his own ideas with me (more for the story rather than the erotic part), and suggests music and images if a particular story I am writing intrigues him. He is totally fine with it as long there is no direct erotic communication with the rp partner (which I wouldn't do, anyways). 

It definitely shouldn't be a secret, but it also depends on the partner and so it needs to be discussed between the couple. Some are okay with it, others are not. It all boils down to honesty and communication. 

[c0i9z]

I don't feel like 'is it cheating'? is a useful question. It's too vague and subjective. More important is 'is it a betrayal of trust'?

If you can't tell your partner because you think they'll be angry about you doing it, it's a betrayal of trust.

If your partner said they're uncomfortable doing it and you do it anyway, it's a betrayal of trust.

If you've talked about it with your partner and they're fine with it, then it's not a betrayal of trust, no matter what anyone says.

[Starling]

So, I recently got into a debate with a friend of mine about role playing sites such as these,  and if they are cheating. I was wondering what all you role players think out there? Is roleplaying, third-person, erotic role-plays cheating? If your significant other was on here writing erotic stories, would you consider that cheating?

I don't think so, considering it's a plot or fantasy you are just having collaborative help writing. I mean I play all sorts of characters and sexualities that I would never take on in RL. So what are everyone else's thoughts?

I don't think so, but then again, I'm not in a relationship. 

As long as you aren't doing mature roleplays to live out your personal sexual fantasies, with someone else, and you're not effectively just inserting yourself, I wouldn't consider it cheating.

However, if you are essentially doing a self-insert roleplay, erotic or not, I do think you are in a sense having a relationship with someone else. At that point, it becomes a matter of communicating with your partner and inquiring whether they are fine with you doing these roleplays. After all, there are at least two people in a relationship, and both partners deserve to make informed decisions. However, if your partner is okay with it, and doesn't consider it cheating, then that's your answer. 

On the other hand, if a disagreement on whether or not erotic roleplaying is cheating means you can't live your life to the fullest in order to appease your partner, it might be time to reconsider your priorities and your relationship. 

But that's just the personal opinion of someone who isn't a relationship expert. 

[Lyndis]

I think this is a fascinating discussion and I'm having a time reading through everyone's opinions on the matter.

It definitely got me talking with my own partner about this, and I think it comes down to the fact that different people have different opinions on what exactly counts as "cheating". For example, I know that there's a term Emotional Cheating where no physical interaction ever takes place and the person is becoming emotionally intertwined with someone other than their partner instead. Which seems... silly? To me personally? But to someone else, who knows.

As long as there's a clearly defined line between fiction and reality, between the authors and the characters, I don't see it being an issue.

[RedPhoenix]

I think the consensus of "it's cheating if you and your partner define it as cheating" is the right one. What is okay and not okay in any relationship is up to the people in it.

If you feel the need to keep E a secret, there's something wrong with your relationship imo. I'm not telling anyone how to live their lives but to me a good relationship isn't one where you keep that sort of thing in the closet and never tell your significant other. If you need to do that to be safe I get that, but to me that also says your relationship is unsafe in general and you should be getting out.

I also have always found the whole concept of an "emotional affair" somewhat silly. I had a friend once being dramatic about having an "emotional affair" with someone in a band she was in with and I was like "soooo you feel a connection to someone and haven't acted on it? That's just called being human." Like did you think the world would stop having people that you might have connections with or feel attracted to in it once you got married? If you don't take it any further that's just life, you move on. I guess back in the day when married women weren't allowed to interact with anyone after they got locked in the house with the kids this didn't come up or something but I don't see the big deal.

I think the sort of more interesting question is "when do you bring it up?" because I dunno about you guys but I've never dated anyone who did online roleplay themselves so it was pretty much always on me to mention "oh by the way I do this, is that cool?" I mean most people will want to define things like are we exclusive irl, what are we telling people our relationship is etc., but usually online writing isn't part of the typical relationship talk, at least not in my experience. I guess the answer is when you've reached the point it's not casual and you've started telling the truths about yourself to see if things are going to be real and you just sort of have to play that by ear?

And yeah, this is an very interesting topic to see everyone's takes on.

[Lyndis]

Additional post because I had a thought I'd like to get people's perspectives on:

Is it possibly that this sort of mentality has become more prevalent as online dating and long-distance relationships have also become more common?

I had a friend who was 'dating' someone for almost 5 years, last I heard. They never met in person in all that time despite it ( which made me have my own ah... thoughts, on the legitimacy of their relationship. But that's neither here nor there ), and one fight I was privy to was about my friend engaging in romantic roleplays on Tumblr.

I suppose something like that becomes a lot more threatening when there isn't any physicality to speak of in the relationship. Or maybe more specifically, any real intimacy (since sex doesn't make a relationship). Though in my opinion, both her roleplays and her relationship circled around that same sphere of fantasy as neither really existed in the real world.

Opinions?

[Wistful Dream]

As someone who originally met their spouse online, and has met a lot of friends online, including several I've never had the joy of seeing in person but talk to daily the notion that those connections 'don't exist in the real world' is honestly really off putting.

Physicality is one aspect of a relationship, and it is a lovely one, and a common one, but it is not the sum total of a relationship.

It sounds like there was a misfire on expectations between them and their romantic partner, not that role playing invalidated a relationship.

[Lyndis]

As someone who originally met their spouse online, and has met a lot of friends online, including several I've never had the joy of seeing in person but talk to daily the notion that those connections 'don't exist in the real world' is honestly really off putting.

Physicality is one aspect of a relationship, and it is a lovely one, and a common one, but it is not the sum total of a relationship.

It sounds like there was a misfire on expectations between them and their romantic partner, not that role playing invalidated a relationship.

I mean no offense to folks who happen to find meaningful relationships online. I have several years-long friendships myself that I haven't had the pleasure of meeting in person, but they're still very much real world friends to me.

Yet I'm also presuming you and your spouse now share a space and a life together in that way. Whereas the friend in my previous post never did and had no pressing desire to do so. I think there's a different level of seriousness to a committed monogamous relationship when you're focused on sharing a life together as opposed to living entirely separate ones, especially over a great distance like states or countries away.

I also have zero experience online dating. Hence why I'm looking for opinions on the matter from others.

[Wistful Dream]

I personally think that's a bit of applying the relationship cookie cutter, trying to make all 'serious' romantic relationships look the same way.

What works for people is wildly different. I have a close friend who's spouse is home maybe a week a month, typically they travel, a lot. It works for them. I've known married couples who intentionally live apart. My own spouse and I had a serious conversation at one point about living long distance due to career opportunities neither of us wanted to pass up.

A relationship, a connection, is as real or not real as two people make it. Not everyone has the same needs in a romantic partnership, and it sounds like your friend didn't identify physical nearness as a need in order to love this other person.

[RedPhoenix]

That seems like a red herring to me. People have gotten upset at people they are dating for writing with others when they have purely real world relationships as well. I don't think one makes it more or less likely.

I say this as someone who would have a hard time saying I was dating someone I'd never met too, fwiw.

[jason87]

TECHNICALLY
If you're creating an emotional or physical relationship with someone without your partner's consent is the definition of infidelity. Roleplaying or not, this site is creating a connection with someone emotionally to some degree. If you don't have your partner's blessing then by definition - it's cheating.

SUBJECTIVELY
It doesn't matter what anyone's opinion is on whether or not using this site while in a relationship is cheating. The opinion that matters is yours and that of your significant other.

All relationships are different. It's probably considered cheating within some relationships while other relationships don't consider it cheating. Everyone's different.

[Oniya]

TECHNICALLY
If you're creating an emotional or physical relationship with someone without your partner's consent is the definition of infidelity. Roleplaying or not, this site is creating a connection with someone emotionally to some degree. If you don't have your partner's blessing then by definition - it's cheating.

Making friends with someone is an 'emotional relationship'.  Does one need their partner's 'blessing' to make friends?

[Kelindel]

 I personally don't like the unhealthy obsession with owning people in relationships. That being said, if you are making a commitment to a a person that involves monogamy, it's a good idea to establish what that entails as that will be different for each person. As with most things in life this involves communication. Without communicating there will be hurt feelings, people upset, anger and blow ups. To ask if Elliquy is cheating is a bit of a reductive argument as it depends on your relationship and the details of your relationship. It may be for your relationship, but isn't for mine, not for another persons, but is for yet another persons. It all depends. There is no blanket all powerful truth answer.

[jason87]

Making friends with someone is an 'emotional relationship'.  Does one need their partner's 'blessing' to make friends?

" Making friends with someone is an 'emotional relationship'. "
I agree with you. I didn't put my opinion of infidelity under "TECHNICALLY" I put the dictionary definition. Hence the technicality.

" Does one need their partner's 'blessing' to make friends? "
I'd say it's pretty important that they approve of you having friendships, at least in my opinion I wouldn't want to date someone who didn't want me to have friends. Nor would I want to be with someone if I felt as if I had to hide a friendship from them.

[RedPhoenix]

You didn't use the dictionary definition. The dictionary definition is: "the action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or other sexual partner."

The definition of unfaithful is: "engaging in sexual relations with a person other than one's regular partner in contravention of a previous promise or understanding."

An emotional connection is in no sense being unfaithful, technical or otherwise, unless your relationship chooses to go against the common understanding and define it that way.

[Kelindel]

Not to resurrect (I know it's only been like a week) but I had a thought here I wanted to add to kind of summarize my thoughts. Basically if it is something you haven't/wouldn't talk to your partner(s) about doing, there is a problem. If it involves someone else and any form of intimacy, even if it isn't something that you would consider personal intimacy and is through a proxy by way of a character, at least discuss it with them as communication is the life blood of any relationship.