Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View

[Munnin]

Its a delicate subject, personnaly it gives me hight hopes seeing that kind of discutions here, I know it wouldve helped me in my times of need.

I got my share of lows and very lows, some of them I can talk freely, others i will never share (Im proud Ive did it, but some may not like it). I got a shock therapy to get myself out of it, actually the only friend left at that time made me: He volonteered me to help in homeless helping centers. I wont hide that at that time it completely broke me and hopefully I had some support to put myself back together.

It was over 10 years ago, and I havent been depressed once, but will remember it as yesterday.

I know its painfull, but let me tell you, pain is there to make you remember that youre alive, hold as hard as you can into it.

[Phoenixrisen]

I've shared in my A/A's but never here. I was in a state of "blissful" ignorance for way longer than I cared to admit, I knew I was hurt and had been damaged by things that happened to me in the past, and I knew that I'd been dealing with depression and anxiety my whole life, not surprising my home situation was not ideal, there was either fighting between my mom and stepdad or I was more or less left with my older brothers who liked to wander around like boys like to do in the country, and they rarely wanted to take their younger sister with them, so I got lost in books I had help learning to read of course, but I excelled at it because of my own need to escape my life. I always feel a little weird talking about that as bad, even if I realize emotional and psychological abuse leave just as many scars and witnessing violence of any kind can inflict both, because I know that there are people out there who have suffered so much worse than yelling and screaming matches that would leave a small child wanting to hide or go back to sleep so she wouldn't be scared, or being molested by another child. I try not to feel weak for letting those leave me scarred no matter how young I was.

This was the start of a huge ball of fear and terror that I didn't dare share with anyone, so I learned to hide it, hide behind a mask and try to be happy and make friends and be a kid even if all I wanted to do was to escape into books or writing. I held that mask in place so long I forgot it was even there, and if that elementary and before aged trauma had been the entirety of it, I might have been okay. But trauma came after trauma up until just a few years ago when I finally left the father of my child because I couldn't stand being called a 'dumb bitch' every time he was angry or yelling at him for smacking our daughter upside the back of the head when he was angry with her, and the slamming cabinets in my general direction, and hating myself a little bit for not getting out sooner. There are other darker things that I don't wanna really talk about here because I don't want to trigger anyone any more than I may potentially have already.

The long and short of it is that I pushed everything down, downplayed how I was feeling lied to myself to keep going. The first red flag should have been when I stopped being able to write, I didn't listen. When I started getting so anxious that I would vomit in the morning if there was anything put into my stomach or I had anything at all to do that day. Even then I didn't listen, though the doctors were trying to tell me that I needed help they weren't qualified for. That turned into three hospitalizations in one rolling year for mental health crisis. The first one was likely caused by the fact that both the gastrologist and my primary put me on medications that both affected serotonin and I don't do well with those drugs. I'm still not sure what happened with the second one, things in my head just got really bad. That second one was when a psychiatrist finally started treating me for PTSD as well as depression and anxiety. After that, I was doing pretty great until I lost my job to my illness and my insurance with it. I couldn't afford around $200 for the medications I was on. So I went off them and had to stop counseling too, that was likely the cause of number three. It took those three hospitalizations for me to realize and acknowledge that I was living something of a lie and that I had this huge ball of terror and sadness just smoldering inside of me because I never really reached out because I was always wearing that mask when I tried. That helped a lot, as well as acknowledging that during an encounter that happened a little over ten years ago I completely lost myself, and wasn't able to get me back really through the continuing trauma.

There's a point I'm getting at here really, and it's this; no one can help you if they don't know you're struggling. Reaching out is hard, but it is the bravest thing you can do, and I am very proud of everyone who shares here.

[Remiel]

Thank you for sharing, Phoenix and Munnin, and I'm glad you guys were able to overcome your trials and tribulations. *hug*

[Twisted Crow]

There sits an island upon the vast seas,
Where no mariner sets foot nor fish from.
Yielding plentiful fruit which none would eat,
Granting trees where none reap to build upon;
Providing water where none slack their thirst.
Just as embers wane from a piece of coal
Removed from the gathering's brew to flame.
A shadow casts beyond as light shines upon another 'worthy' of it.

I am speaking in tongues for a number of reasons.

[Levi]

I need help. So about eight weeks ago I had to admit to myself that something was wrong. I've changed, my emotions are all over the shop. I'm angry, frustrated, sad and tired. So very very tired. I got prescribed floxidene for three weeks and had constant headaches. They then put me on citropram. That has helped I'm calmer and more focused and I want to do things again. However I still have days where I have these I guess episodes of this personality where I get so angry and upset. I feel like everything I say is ignored. I've spoken to several managers at work and nothing is getting any better. I can't find a different job (job market is crap and unstable) I can't afford to step down from the job I do. I'm stuck and I no longer know what to do. I've yet to actually see a doctor since my initial prescription because apparently there isn't one available until the 10th June.

[Remiel]

Ouch.   You have my sympathies, Levi.  Hang in there.

[Autumn52]

*Leaves hugs for anyone who needs them*


I am fighting depression myself. I hope everyone just takes it one day at a time, at least that is what I am doing.

[Oreo]

*Leaves hugs for anyone who needs them*


I am fighting depression myself. I hope everyone just takes it one day at a time, at least that is what I am doing.

*leaves love* I'm doing the same. Living in the moment.

[Gannameade]

I can honestly say...live in the moment.  Try to find joy in the moment.

Yes, sometimes those moments can be few and far between.  Sometimes the hammer of your brain, heart and spirit can hurt more than usual....remember...it is a 'hammer' and not a 'steamroller' and the swing is temporary....not forever!

There is a real smile in there somewhere seeking to get out and share in that moment with YOU!  And only YOU!!  (Ok sometimes other, but it is for YOU!!)

Thank you all for sharing on this page!

Thank you AC for that computer Poem -  I won't Ctrl+Alt+Delete....TODAY!!!

Remember...live for TODAY!!

[CrownedSun]

I am fighting depression myself. I hope everyone just takes it one day at a time, at least that is what I am doing.

Best and only solution that I've found.

[Remiel]

Agreed.  That and try not to let yourself get sucked into a downward spiral of thinking.

[Remiel]

Agreed.  That and try not to let yourself get sucked into a downward spiral of thinking.

Let me clarify that a bit:  when you find yourself being pulled into the old, familiar vortex of self-loathing, hopelessness, etc.  try changing your environment.   Go for a walk in nature; enjoy the sunshine.  Try talking to someone you haven't talked to in awhile.  Do something you've been putting off.  Anything to change the momentum of your headspace.

[Gannameade]

Let me clarify that a bit:  when you find yourself being pulled into the old, familiar vortex of self-loathing, hopelessness, etc.  try changing your environment.   Go for a walk in nature; enjoy the sunshine.  Try talking to someone you haven't talked to in awhile.  Do something you've been putting off.  Anything to change the momentum of your headspace.

I get that.  I feel you Remiel!! ;D

[Nowherewoman]

Just tripped over this, and thought I'd share it.

https://youtu.be/9vDdx1dba6c

[Twisted Crow]

I've just been low on gas these past few weeks. Between jobs, so I've been looking for work. That's been rather stressful and draining. And because it cripples my inspiration, I feel like the worst partner ever given how long I've been keeping partners waiting, lately. *sigh* -_-

I always feel guilty, too. Like I let others down because of stuff like this.

[CrownedSun]

Kind of in that awkward position, at the moment, where I sort of want to lay down and go to sleep. But, the idea of laying in bed with all these fucking thoughts seems like it's a really bad idea. All the worse because, while I'm sure some of it is just me feeling a bit self-destructive right now, a lot of them are just... yeah..

Part of me wants to just lay down and cry, and the other part of me is sort of feeling like-- again,- succumbing to that is just a bad idea and it'll leave me feeling worse.

<.<

Doesn't help that I have to drive and pick my Mom up from the airport, tomorrow, which is also somewhat bittersweet. I do miss her, I'm looking forward to her being back home again, and I'm eager to hear what all she's done and very hopeful that some time away has been good for her. But, at the same time, having her away has been very very restful. Even gramma hasn't exactly been great for my mental well being lately.

*sighs*

I absolutely hate feeling like this.

[Remiel]

Kind of in that awkward position, at the moment, where I sort of want to lay down and go to sleep. But, the idea of laying in bed with all these fucking thoughts seems like it's a really bad idea. All the worse because, while I'm sure some of it is just me feeling a bit self-destructive right now, a lot of them are just... yeah..

Know that feeling.  :\

[Darkcide]

I've struggled with depression my entire life. Started on an antidepressant for the first time in my life yesterday, and I am currently on a leave from work to focus on my mental health. For everyone who is going through it, I feel your pain, and I sincerely hope you're able to find some measure of peace. It is hard, and it isn't easy when people stigmatize or trivialize the lives of those trying to make it one day at a time.

[Remiel]

Well said, Darkcide.

[Oreo]

Best to you Darkcide. I had to start taking meds for it a few months back. Keep in touch with your doctor and don't stop believing in you.

[Oniya]

http://maryrobinettekowal.com/journal/sometimes-writers-block-is-really-depression/

Thought this might be relevant for some of us here.

[CrownedSun]

http://maryrobinettekowal.com/journal/sometimes-writers-block-is-really-depression/

Thought this might be relevant for some of us here.

Mmmhmm.

This so happens to me, I dare say it's the #1 reason that I find myself going through slow spells, :-(

[Mirrah]

http://maryrobinettekowal.com/journal/sometimes-writers-block-is-really-depression/

Thought this might be relevant for some of us here.

Depression can affect consistency in writing for me, too. Thank you for the information, Oniya.

[crony]

Hello lovely people.

Being a night owl that doesn't take sleep aids, depression often hits me hard around 12-2 am. I know I should be sleeping by then but... it is what it is. I like the night better than the day.

For me, my coping mechanisms are music (which makes it worse sometimes), games, audio books, and of course my current favorite thing to do RP.

I find it hard talking openly with people IRL so it would be hard talking to a therapist for me. I've been wanting to give it a try though.

[Remiel]

Hello, and thanks for sharing, crony.

Yeah, depression often hits hardest at those hours, when you can't turn your mind off.

There is a value in being able to talk openly about your problems, even if it is to a therapist or a support group, I can tell you from experience.