Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View

Started by Rhedyn, January 21, 2011, 12:31:13 PM

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AcademicCuriosity9110

Quote from: Remiel on January 12, 2018, 10:41:25 PM
Thank you for sharing that, AcademicCuriosity.

You're welcome. Like I said, just wanted to put it out there because maybe it'll do good for someone. I know it did for me when I wrote it.


My request thread!

A/A thread Started/updated 02-22-23

Serephino

I think I have my own dose of depression happening.  I can't imagine having to deal with it all the time, for me it comes and goes.  But I think what is happening to me right now is triggering it.  I had very suicidal thoughts.  To further the analogy of the poem, everything was just going haywire, nothing would work right.  I didn't see a way of fixing it, and right now I'm at the bottom of that pit again.  There is just nothing good in my life.  No one wants what I have to offer, so do I really actually have anything to offer?  Am I actually worth anything, or just a government money taking leech like many will say I am anyway that society would be better off without? 

The woman who is now with my ex was trying to help me accept the fact that me and that man do not belong together, but she just made matters worse.  She asked me when I was last truly happy?  I don't even remember.  There are short moments of good, but it never lasts, right back down to the bottom of the pit.  I have been living for several years now in complacency and flat contentment.  So everyone saying it does get better, does it really?  I'm 32 years old, and I was happy for the first year or so when S and I got together.  That's it.  All that time and very little happiness, hardly measurable.  So no, it does not get better because it hasn't gotten better.

And life is short?  You're talking to the wrong person for that.  Well, maybe individual lives aren't that long in the grand scheme of things...  Many will call me crazy, but I am spiritual, I do know we have souls, and we reincarnate.  I remember lives when I was happy, or at least a lot more happy than I am now.  Why not cancel the download?  There will come another, and it may work much better for me.  I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and everything just trying to pull me down farther than the rope goes is really hurting me.

No, I may not know what the future holds, but what if it is more of this?  Do I really want a life alone that amounts to nothing?  Is being in constant pain really better than no life at all?  I know I have posted before about not knowing how I was going to pay a bill, but then later mentioned something about an online order.  That is my addiction.  I'm in serious financial distress because I got as many credit cards as I could get my hands on and tried to fill the empty sucking hole of my life with stuff.  It works temporarily.  I go to the mailbox and get a pretty new package and I'm happy for a day.  But then I had to declare bankruptcy.  The hole was still there though, so I got more, and of course more stuff for a temporary boost.  Because I can't declare bankruptcy again yet I had to do debt consolidation.  I'm stuck in this situation because my payment to them takes away money I would need to live on my own.

Although what if I did move out on my own?  The only two people in the area I know that I'm not related to are the ones I feel stabbed me in the back.  I don't know where to go or how to meet people.  Even when someone does say hello to me I often freeze, making them write me off as rude and stuck up.  I'm awkward as fuck.  So it would just be me alone in apartment that I can barely afford with the deafening silence and no one to talk to.  No human interaction ever.  That's no life either. 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.  Well, over and over again I have chosen life, and what has it gotten me?

For anyone still with me, I know this post was very dark, and I'm sorry for that.  It's just what I've been thinking that I needed to get out of my head. 

AcademicCuriosity9110

I know the feeling. I have spent an incredible chunk of my life in very dark places, mentally and emotionally. My first suicidal phase was when I was only 7. It's ebbed and flowed, there have been points where it's disappeared completely for a while, there have been times when it cripples me. But I'm still here, stubbornly refusing to give up simply because I don't see the point in ending it. And because it's never too late to change things. It's a question of creating a workable plan, even if it's a long-term endeavor. But it's important not to let yourself slip. Once you decide that you really are sick of where you are and that things won't get better unless you make them better, unless you try, you have to focus on that, consciously remind yourself that you aren't who you were, that you will follow through this time.

My life just reached a crisis point, one where I was in a situation that forced my hand, forced me to come to a realization about myself that I had to start making myself and my life better, instead of just complaining about it without trying to improve it. Nothing changes until you make it change.


My request thread!

A/A thread Started/updated 02-22-23

Serephino

I am seeing a good therapist.  When I'm in her office talking to her I do feel hopeful.  Problem is, my insurance company feels that I can afford a $750 annual deductible.  That means I have to pay for sessions out of pocket, and have only been able to go once a month.  Now I am told by my ex that once he gets his tax return he will give it to me to pay for sessions.  Even though we don't click anymore, he still wants me to get help.   

Rhedyn

Today has been a weird sort of day. The morning was fairly positive but my mood took an odd turn in the afternoon starting with a mishap burning part of dinner and then everything else seemed to go wrong or at least my perception of everything was wrong. I don't really think everything went wrong in that nothing super terrible happened but you know when you feel that dark fog settle and it brings all those 'you can't do anything right' thoughts with it..? Yeah, that's been me for the remainder of the day. It stopped me from really enjoying dinner, made me lose focus and had me second guessing everything I did.

I just hate how my brain diverts back to that mode of thinking sometimes, particularly when everything else in my life has been positive; it's like my mind decides every now and then that there has been too much happy going on so it's going to kick me a few times just to remind me that there's always that bit in there waiting for it's opportunity.

~leaves a bundle of hugs for everyone~

AcademicCuriosity9110

Yeah, that mental self-sabotage sucks. When part of you is so uncomfortable with being happy and comfortable that it freaks out on you. It's insidious, subtle, and painful to deal with.

-hugs Rhedyn-

We've all been there.


My request thread!

A/A thread Started/updated 02-22-23

Rhedyn


SithLordOfSnark

This thread helps me whenever I get hit by it, so thanks.
Always looking for roleplays, just keep in mind that I' m not a fast poster.

On's & Off's | Request Thread | A & A

Buffy the Vampire Slayer CYOA |
Eternal Nights (VtM) Interest Check  | Buffy: After the End Interest Check

Rhedyn

You're welcome here, Sith. We always have plenty of hugs and understanding available  ~offers hugs~

SithLordOfSnark

Quote from: Rhedyn on January 16, 2018, 06:29:45 AM
You're welcome here, Sith. We always have plenty of hugs and understanding available  ~offers hugs~

Thanks. :) -hugs-
Always looking for roleplays, just keep in mind that I' m not a fast poster.

On's & Off's | Request Thread | A & A

Buffy the Vampire Slayer CYOA |
Eternal Nights (VtM) Interest Check  | Buffy: After the End Interest Check

Cryptic

I know it's been here for a while, and not sure if I ever said thank you Rheadyn, but thank you. Going through a bit of a dark time myself, but every now and then. It does help reading through this and seeing the support group in here. And you all deserve it, those that share their stories, or how they are feeling, as well as those who simply read through this and know that you aren't alone in feeling that way, and that there are others out there, and willing to help.

It's always a great thing to see. So, a hug to all of you suffering through this. And always know, that people are there should you need to talk.
What Makes A Cryp-Tic (O/Os)
"All men were made by the Great Spirit Chief. They are all brothers." ~Chief Joseph
Cryptic's Little Shop Of Mysteries (Requests)NOT CURRENTLY LOOKING
"I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear." ~Martin Luther King Jr.
A/A's
“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.” ~Mother Teresa

Rhedyn

I'm glad it helps you having the blog here, I know it helps me to know that there are people here that understand <3

~offers Cryptic hugs~

Remiel

Yeah, I for one am very glad Rhedyn started this blog; I think of it as a safe space or support group for those of us dealing with depression / bipolar.


AcademicCuriosity9110

It helps to know that you are not alone in this struggle

-leaves hugs for all and deploys life sized plush of self for extra-soft hugs-


My request thread!

A/A thread Started/updated 02-22-23

Nowherewoman

*is now seeing the scene in Sunday In The Park With George, with George running around propping up lifesize cardboard cutouts of himself...*

Every time I read entries here, I consider myself lucky. Not only b/c my issues are generally not as severe as what some folks here go through, but for the fact that there IS a safe, supportive community here.
Instead of obsessing on the person you want to be, focus on who you DON'T want to be. It's much easier to not do certain things than to break your head on some ideal of yourself.

When the dust settles, you may find out you've become who you were supposed to be all along.

more me here now!  (O/Os, ideas and junk): https://elliquiy.com/forums/index.php?topic=215830.0

and mea culpas  (A/As): https://elliquiy.com/forums/index.php?topic=221151.0


blue bunny sparkle

Quote from: Arianna de L'ombre on January 29, 2018, 11:00:25 PM
Just a reminder to hug more... and longer ^_^

The Shocking Truth Behind Hugs

So very glad you shared this!

I LOVE the free hugs campaign too!


Arianna

Quote from: blue bunny sparkle on January 30, 2018, 09:54:15 AM
So very glad you shared this!

I LOVE the free hugs campaign too!

Yes, bunny! And they are scientifically proven to work in cheering one up :)

Remiel

Hey, everyone.  I randomly stumbled upon this article about a man on Reddit who asks for advice from other forum members about how to hide his depression from his dog, and was struck by one of the responses, which I found to be full of amazingly good advice for all people who struggle with depression:

QuoteThis is the most darkly wholesome question I've seen on this sub. Take comfort in the fact that you still care enough about your dog's feelings to want to do this and that you're not so numb that you don't care. Essentially, the best thing for your dog is for you to heal from the depression. I know that's hard to do, especially when you can't afford the therapy, but there's no shortcuts here.

    Some small things I've done to try and combat depression are mainly focused on distracting me from the negative thought spirals, going for walks is a good one (especially with your dog!), interrupting your thoughts when they get evil is the biggest. It's not easy at first, but it does get easier. I've made myself list every good thing that happened that day, no matter how inconsequential, I've gone through pictures of trips I've taken or friends to remind me of feelings of happiness. Cleaning helps, literally anything that distracts you from your brain. If I can't redirect the thoughts, I try physical activity (which is really hard to do when you're depressed). Make a point to congratulate yourself on every small accomplishment and not to berate yourself for failures. Pretend your brain is a close friend you care about and tell it "hey, it's okay, we're gonna take care of this together" and jus generally start treating yourself as if you actually like yourself. It takes a certain amount of compartmentalization, but telling yourself that the depression isn't you, it's an outside force, can help you separate it out and be better aware of it.

    I don't know if any of this will help, but you're not alone, and you're a sweet person whose dog loves you.

Even if you don't have a dog, or a pet of any kind, I think you can substitute "family member", "loved one", or "close friend" and the advice still applies.

Hope this helps.  Hang in there, everybody.

AmberStarfire



thebobmaster

Just popping in here again to offer hugs to everyone, and also express my own problems.

Yeah, since the last time I posted, things have not really gotten better. IF anything, they've gotten worse. My brother, who used to be the one person I lived with that I felt could actually understand where I was coming from, is off at boarding school, to help him with his own issues, so that outlet is gone until he can leave. I still feel that I can't talk to my mother about it, as she wouldn't understand. I've had times where she asks me "what's wrong", I've told her, and her reaction has essentially been "That's not that bad." Granted, to an observer, things probably don't seem that bad for me. I have my mom supporting me, a job, I'm going to school...

But I can't. Do. Anything. Right. At least, that's how it feels to me. My last semester at school was a disaster, because I just couldn't focus and do good quality work, and chemistry/stats just didn't seem to sink in no matter how much I studied. I feel like, out of the people in my job with my position that actually work hard, I'm the worst at it. I can't even really enjoy video games anymore, because it seems like unless it's a game I've been playing literally for years, I have to have it on the easiest setting in order to actually do anything, and that just makes it feel like the game takes pity on me. I must not be that good of an RPer, because I've had very few partners thanks to my...extreme limits...and those few partners often just disappear. My group RPs all seem to sputter to a halt, to the point where I don't even bother anymore.

I know this seems like whining, and that's the worst part. I know I'm blowing things out of proportion in my mind. I know that things aren't as bad as they seem. But I just can't seem to stop putting myself down. It's gotten to the point where sometimes, I have to stop and tell myself that people would, in fact, care if I wasn't around. That's how I think about it. I don't think about suicide. I've told myself, and convinced myself, that suicide is not an answer. But that doesn't stop me from feeling like the best thing for everyone would be me hopping in my car, driving away somewhere, and finding some way to support myself like a functioning adult.
Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.

RP Ideas:New and Approved!

Cryptic

*Offers hugs if wanted*

Thebobmaster,

There have been so many times that I have felt that way as well. Why do I even bother if it's all just going to go to crap anyways? What's the point in even trying? Those questions just popping into my mind, the lowest point I have been was simply going to work and just, not caring, wanting to get into a car accident (not on purpose) just so I could escape.

I just wanted to say, and I'm not trying to say you haven't done this already. Breathe, it does get better, it's just that little monster in your head dragging you down making you doubt. It's hard, it's ugly, but at the end of the day, after you've done all you needed to do. Breathe, and then tell yourself, you are worth it, you can do this, you WILL do this, because you are worth the effort, worth the time. It sounds so simple, but during this time of depression, it's also the hardest things to tell yourself.

So you are hearing it from a stranger, but I do want you to know. I think you are worth it, you've got this, you can beat this, and you will find the light again.

What Makes A Cryp-Tic (O/Os)
"All men were made by the Great Spirit Chief. They are all brothers." ~Chief Joseph
Cryptic's Little Shop Of Mysteries (Requests)NOT CURRENTLY LOOKING
"I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear." ~Martin Luther King Jr.
A/A's
“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.” ~Mother Teresa

Remiel

Bobmaster, you've come to the right place.  The trademark of depression is that, often, it doesn't make sense.  We think, "I have x, y, and z, I shouldn't be feeling this way."  And yet, we do.  I've known guys that were happily married, owned their own houses, had kids, a good job, the American dream, and were STILL despondent to the point of suicide.  See: Robin Williams.  You shouldn't feel guilty or like a bad person that you are struggling so much.

The fact is, mental illness is a disease.  And like any sufferers of disease, we need help in order to handle it / live with it.  Unfortunately, our culture still doesn't take depression / bipolar very seriously, and so it can often be a challenge to seek this help.

Your brother moving away certainly doesn't help.  And I've found that it's pointless to try to explain what's going on to people who just don't, can't, or won't understand, people like your mother.  Unfortunately, the fact is that you have to be guarded about whom you reveal your problems to, because some people, no matter how well-meaning, will just make you feel worse, not better.

But you need to talk to SOMEBODY.  Your depression won't get better with isolation, and will probably get worse.  Left to our own devices, our thoughts become a self-sustaining cycle of negative energy that will, if unchecked, eventually pull us down into the void.  The only way to combat this is to do whatever you can to avoid any and all toxic influences in your life and find the people who truly care about you, or at least understand what you're going through, and are willing and able to encourage you.

The Depression & Bipolar Support Alliance may have some resources that can help you.   See if there is a support group close to where you live that you can attend.  If you're going to school, try and find out if your school has some sort of counseling services.  (Warning: finding a good counselor/therapist is a trial & error process.  It may take you some time before you find one that you like.)

Also, this is kind of off the subject, but I've come to learn that the most toxic, poisonous word in the English language is SHOULD.  As in, "I should be making lots of friends" or "I should have a girlfriend by now" or "I should be happy."   There is no better way to send ourselves into the spiral of depression.  The fact is, everyone's circumstances, environment, and experiences are unique, and oftentimes it's a fallacy to compare ourselves to others.  There is no one exactly like you, and life is random and chaotic, and often defies all reason.  Some times sheer dumb luck is all that makes the difference between getting a job or not getting it, or being in a relationship and not being in one.   All you can do is to do your best with what you have, and keep moving forward. 

To leave you all with one of my favorite quotes:

QuoteI find that the greatest thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving.
-Oliver Wendell Holmes

Arianna

Quote from: Remiel on February 01, 2018, 09:02:33 AM
And I've found that it's pointless to try to explain what's going on to people who just don't, can't, or won't understand, people like your mother.  Unfortunately, the fact is that you have to be guarded about whom you reveal your problems to, because some people, no matter how well-meaning, will just make you feel worse, not better.

But you need to talk to SOMEBODY.  Your depression won't get better with isolation, and will probably get worse.  Left to our own devices, our thoughts become a self-sustaining cycle of negative energy that will, if unchecked, eventually pull us down into the void.  The only way to combat this is to do whatever you can to avoid any and all toxic influences in your life and find the people who truly care about you, or at least understand what you're going through, and are willing and able to encourage you.

Also, this is kind of off the subject, but I've come to learn that the most toxic, poisonous word in the English language is SHOULD.  As in, "I should be making lots of friends" or "I should have a girlfriend by now" or "I should be happy."   There is no better way to send ourselves into the spiral of depression.  The fact is, everyone's circumstances, environment, and experiences are unique, and oftentimes it's a fallacy to compare ourselves to others.  There is no one exactly like you, and life is random and chaotic, and often defies all reason.  Some times sheer dumb luck is all that makes the difference between getting a job or not getting it, or being in a relationship and not being in one.   All you can do is to do your best with what you have, and keep moving forward. 

I was randomly looking for a pick me up and thought this may be the place, and I was right... I needed these words, Remi, thank you. They may not have been addressed to me right now, but I needed them nonetheless. It's why I absolutely love this blog...
Thanks again.