Stream of Consciousness (I just needed to write...) [NA]

[WillowPup]

I'm not going to edit this or have it make sense (if it doesn't) because stream of consciousness.

As I sit here, staring at the blank screen, the keys in front of me beckon. The words want to come out, but where even to start?

I feel like I'm watching my life on a screen, a soap opera or drama that is slightly too ridiculous to be believable. The showrunner thinks it's boring, but the main character is screaming out for something just normal, and easy.

The rug was pulled out from under my feet, so to speak, just after Christmas, a time of joy and fun and hope for the future, set to the backdrop of a first holiday back since the world went to shit with a pandemic no one even saw coming. I was told the person I was planning a life with wanted to go it alone. Fair. I care, and therefore, I agree. Luckily, or unluckily, depending on your perspective, my sister requires a new housemate. My sister who I haven't lived with for 7-8 years, and even then, under the reign of parents, as children.

The week after I have to get a tooth out, a top molar, and have to have a hole in my gum while it heals. I can only eat soft/near-soft food, like soup and scrambled eggs and yoghurt and jelly. None of which are very filling. What goes on comes out in much the same form, and life is very, very uncomfortable as my jaw tries to grow a new section of bone. Dentist's are expensive.

The same week I find out that my sister-in-law is very sick with her first child, in her first trimester, and has acute morning sickness; the kind that needs long hospital stays. The same week I find out my families dog is at risk of being rehomed because he's driving my parents mad.

It's this week that I started to feel calm about the situation in front of me; of being moved out of my own home for someone I love. It just so happens to be the same week I find out they've been cheating on me. The same week my boss throws around the 'F' word because my work ethic has been non-existent, and has been going steadily downhill. I now have to have morning 15-minute meetings to see if I'm up for the job I'm paid to do. I have no more sick leave left.

The world is a mess, still calling out for help, and hate is flying around with unprecedented vitriol. People are dying, and the third-world is being ignored. I can't find my own cat's regular food in shops because supply chains are destroyed by Covid, people home sick, and we live on an island. Ships and planes are slow, and we still can't get regular parcels from the USA without great difficulty. Every other road is closed for roadworks that didn't happen when we were all locked down and no one was on the road, and with an election coming up, people are finding every tiny little thing to complain about.

But really, in a self centered way, I am focused on me. The person I am disrupting my life for couldn't wait for me to move out in a short 3-weeks before they start something with a new person. A person they have something in common with that I will never be able to share. Even still, I already know I forgive them, and I still love them, because they are a person, and all of them is special. But isn't it just the icing on the cake?

I feel like I have no one. I do have people, and a support network, but it feels like everyone is dealing with their own shit. I just want to ask, "Is this my person? Is this worth it?" I know I will never get an answer. Not until my life has passed me by. Where is my person? Have I already met them?

I want to turn into a background character, please?

The mind keeps going and won't stop. It never stops.