Tails of Monkey - Hey Adventure is still waiting

Started by Catherine, June 16, 2020, 08:25:28 AM

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In that instant of passing out, everything sort of connected. Peanut butter and chocolate. Banana milkshakes and me. *imaginary slurp followed by yum!* and finally granola.

The bane  of good and actually tasty snacks everywhere. I still remember my mom asking me why have a big chocolate cake if I can have a handful of granola instead. I ran through the standard list; taste, bark,flavor, pain and a lot of other things.  I gave her the short  and sweat. "It a chocolate cake." Nice and easy explanation. You cannot compare the two. Chocolate yum and granola, yeah well it is granola. Cannot say more than that. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. This is so tasty said on a very flat way. You should try it. You might *cough cough* Do you have anything to drink? This really.... oh hey, here you go I think you would love it. *cough cough* Wow it really dries up the mouth.

I would say I had a flashback back to when granola was invented but I would wake up screaming. "No no not the tree bark I will be good." That and no one really knows , it just appeared one day ready to be 'eaten' and I use that term loosely. It is more choke down really. I am guessing the whole beginning of granola is a need to know thing and I volunteer not knowing.

Now this is just a rumor, but what I hear is that ancient druids got it as a  gift from an ancient nature goddess after doing some ceremony. If it was me, I would have looked at the stuff and then pushed it right back at her, pointing at the granola and telling her no. Then maybe something in the line of disappointment especially after dancing around a fire for hours and getting tons of mosquito bites all over. Why couldn't she do anything about the mosquitos or maybe consider having the ceremony somewhere where it is warm and less mosquito infested. Maybe with milkshakes, banana ones maybe. Just saying. After all of that and her  gift to humanity was granola?

"As a gift for summoning me using that tricky ceremony I give you this."

"Um well that looks like pieces of bark and stuff scrapped off the floor of the forest."

"Well sort of but it is my gift to you and I call it granola."

"Um thanks. Hate to look a gift horse in the mouth and everything but hey would you take the forest garbage back and gift a horse or two. We did all this dancing in the middle of nowhere and our legs are tired."

"Blasphemy!" Queue lightening, high winds and other God like I am almost but nearly all powerful so worship me special effects.

"Fine we will take the forest gar... I mean granola. Thank you for it and I think the ceremony is done and it is getting really late and someone had us do this ceremony in the middle of the woods and everything. Until the next time we forget what the ceremony does and accidentally summon you. Night."

Also heard that squirrels had something to do with it but that is just nuts.

After what seems like an eternity but was probably only  a second sit back up, swinging a hand in defense from something attacking me in a nightmare and pain shoots through my hand right when it hits something.. Ow!'


I shook my hand as I woke up from the nightmare of some granola monster attacking me.

"Eat healthy snacks," it yelled, "or else!"

Of course I fought back since that is what you should do and not just lay there and be a perfect little victim. Others can do that but not this monkey ninja girl, a HIYAH was thrown and the look on the granola monster's face was priceless. That will teach him a lesson, attack and threaten me with nature 'healthy' stuff.

Nightmares are not real though, don't believe my brother when he says I look like one in the morning, what  my fist was suppose to hit it didn't instead it hit the elf again. Since I was still waking up and everything I missed the elf crumpling to the ground, adjusting herself to make sure she was light right and then dramatically laying back down with an "Oh my....."

It took me a few moments and several more to realize what I had done by accident. Immediately I started to whistle while slipping my hand behind my back. Offering my other hand to the elf since it was innocent of all wrong doing and nothing could be traced back to it.

"Oh my monkey are you alright? I cannot believe you got hit by another low flying bird."

"I know, right?" The elf responded as she took my hand and pulled herself up. Rubbing her jaw with her other hand as sat there for a moment. Just by what I could see I could tell i got a clean hit in, I mean that the bird got in.  But this raised a question, did my fist have something against the elf's jaw? A blood oath that I didn't know about or something?

At that moment I decided to keep my one first behind my back so it wouldn't go after the elf's jaw again. They say that the third time is the charm and I didn't want to see the elf picking itself off the ground again because of me... I mean a low flying bird.

Best to enact the cookie jar protocol which is a quick change of subject so two and two are not put together.

"So why are you here?" 


You know what I learned in the first few moments after asking the elf an open ended question like what I just did? Well more what I remembered right after asking it and did the imaginary hand to face, elves are long lived. Yeah they might look young but they can be old to really old and some pushing ancient. I think they would clean up on those age guessing games and I wouldn't doubt if they go to those just for laughs."

"If I had to guess you are twenty three years old."

"What? Really? * snicker* I am two hundred and thirty. I will take that stuffed banana."

They might have a weird fascination with stuffed things. Dancing around the forest and leaving them behind.

"I think I will leave this stuffed teddy bear with a heart on the stomach called...... Sir Lovemuffins with the hibernating bear. How ironic or something like that."

Being like that, elves don't rush into their stories. No  getting to  the point. No cliffnotes or anything similar. It is always stories that last and last and last. They don't beat around the bush with stories, they have seen bushes so they just take their own sweet time telling you whatever they are telling you. Usually starting at a moment that doesn't really have anything to do with with what  you asked. Letting you wonder why in the world is he telling you about his birth when all You asked was if he had change for a dollar.

Once I remembered that I thought I had time to retcon the whole thing but the elf had opened his mouth and so many Many many words. Do you know what they did for fun in the second age of elves? Well I do now! I am not even sure what that has  to do with what I asked either. Then it went into the planting season of some flower that I have never heard of and again what does that have to do what I asked about. It was, no it is like tmi on overload.

Standing there I knew I couldn't ask the elf to skip to the point since I feared that would start another story and we would be in an endless loop. I couldn't put a finger to his lips and tell him sh........ either. Just the thought alone of that made me shiver in a not good way. It isn't that I didn't like them, they are just harmless tree hippies but they are just confusing, how can they turn or anything with those ears ? I would think those would prevent a turn or anything other than running  in a straight line.

Eventually my legs gave out and I  let my hand fall,  why? Why a novel when a nice short sentence will work? I needed to do something and something fast. I tuned the elf out.

La la la la la I am not listening to you. La la la la


I know I am missing some really good stuff by tuning the elf out. I just know it,I mean she is an elf and stuff. Elves do cool things like fighting wth multiple swords in one hand which is dangerous by the way, catching axes in mid air that are thrown by lumber jacks and throwing them back again dangerous, catching arrows in the air with their teeth and I am not sure why they would even do that and then even grinding trees as they dance in the forest because it is EXTREME with capital letters and everything. So i know I am missing something unless this elf is the more laid back one that grandpa called hippies.,

For I moment I flip the imaginary switch and listen in.

"There I was staring down the beaver. I pulled the knife that I carry at my....."

Yawn boring. Okay where was I before I tuned in for a moment. Oh yeah what I have seen of elves in movies is that they are really tough, even their hair is tough. Being able to swing it around and block weapons and stuff as long as whatever it is doesn't cut their hair. If whatever it is cuts the elf's hair it sends the elf into a rage. Which sounds sort of nasty but it makes sense. Give me a moment and I will explain but let's see what she is talking about now.

"You see I had two coupons for the same thing and I asked the....."

Okay again boring. So yeah elf rage, I have never seen it personally and no one has ever seen it either, well lived after witnessing it. But rumors and whispered tales says it is a sight to behold in a not a good way. There are tears, hiss, spit and finally rage. None of that is good to see and what I hear is it ends with head butting.

"You cut my hair! Grrrrr!" followed by a head butt.

"Ow! What the? You aren't a ram why can't you do something else?"

"Hair!!!!!" another head butt.

"Stop that! Listen I am sorry, I sort of just swing and well things happened."

"Grrrr......" yet another head butt.

"Will someone do something this is getting ridiculous. Maybe a tranquilizer or something."

See isn't that just weird. I would never have thought elves would be head butters. Let me see what she is talking about now, she is doing a lot of motioning and stuff so it could be good.

"Have you ever gotten your head stuck in a paper bag? I did once and...."

I think it might be best if I pace myself or I will run out of things to think talk and have to listen. Don't want that so shutting systems down..... making sure to click the eyes open, breathing and nod every so often functions.



Something happened to wake me from my sleep. What it was I don't know all I do know is that suddenly I was on the ground and not in a graceful way. More of a 'what the?', gravity kicks in and I eat dirt, it doesn't taste like chicken either. I am not really sure why my tail didn't catch me either unless the elf made it fall asleep too. Maybe the elf has discovered the power of being so boring that you can make everything lose conscious while talking to you and if they don't have a conscious you give them a temporary one so they can pass out. What a dark evil power. Villains that are not up to the level of sitting there, laughing evilly while stroking a cat might like it.

"I will bore you into submission mwahahaha, fear me,"

Of course my hand started to hurt immediately too and I heard a feminine ow! It had struck again. Quickly i got up, shook my hand and thrust it behind my back.

"There goes another low flying bird," I say looking around to take the attention away from my fist.

"I know," the elf responded as she picked herself off the ground, the whole time making sure everything was perfect. "It came from right about there," pointing to where I was at just moments ago, "and hit me in the face."

I needed to keep the ruse going if not I was afraid my hand would be tried and found guilty of something bad and then be thrown into jail. I didn't want that,I was attached to my hand. "Its wings must have given out and it bounced when it hit the ground, I said nodding once.

The elf thought for moment as it rubbed its chin, "It must have been that. Poor little bird."

"Yeah, poor little bird. Probably pushed by the other little birds and flew to far. I don't see any signs of it so it must have disintegrated on contact."

I saw a tear form and catch the light just right moments before the elf asked really. I nodded and answered feathers and all. More properly lighted tears started to fall as we sat back down, the elf sniffing a couple times before asking the big question.

At this moment I can imagine everyone's mouths drooping open and liquids being sprayed out of mouths when they heard the term 'big question.' Monkey are you gong to say yes but you two just meet. How many doves are you going to have at your wedding? What flavor cake? Are you going to wear white?

*pulling the story brake errrrrrrrr..........*

It wasn't THAT big question. It was if I would help the elf with a small problem thanks to some mystery object which I was pretty sure was Audokornet. Since I released it from the cookie jar it was my responsibility to take care and try to fix everything it touched.

*take a deep breath*

"Sure I will help, can it wait until after the race?"

The elf nodded enthusiastically with the light catching everything just right so the elf sort of glittered, "Yes, usually the race doesn't last that long since the person who is racing Redbeard usually just gives up. Not sure who is racing him this time though."

The elf started to look around to see if she could see whoever was racing against the hill. I cleared my throat, got in a proud pose with hands on hips and said "Me!"

I expected a wow or cool but got laughter and pointing. Count down from ten.....










And one...

*take deep breathe and......*


"What is so funny?" I ask doing the whole eye squinty thing for just a moment. Just long enough for the  elf to realize I was not happy and squinting, even throwing in a foot tap so the elf wasn't confused that I was having a hard time seeing things.

My brother had taught me that, squint and tap foot or eye will sting. He wasn't being nice so I squinted and stood there and the next thing I knew I was sitting in a doctor's office getting an eye exam, the doctor peeled my eyelids back and told me he was going to apply a drop or two of stuff in my eyes and that it may sting for a  moment. I don't know how long he thinks a moment is but my eyes stung and I screamed, even gripped the handles on the chair gritting my teeth trying hold back the tears. Blinded I went into defense mode like anything that has been cornered and in pain. Things were kicked and punched, eventually I felt something prick me and I fell asleep.

*monkey girl ninja tip - when a doctor says something may hurt. It will hurt! There is no maybe at all it will hurt and you will try to hold back the tears but they will come.*

The elf of course stopped laughing since i applied amount of squint and foot tap. Everything grew quiet and I think I heard everyone take a step or two back while saying some words in a language that sounded made up. Well that is how I imagined it. Oh oh and the sun quickly sweeping behind me to add something to the scene, "Why don't you think I can race?"

The elf stood there nervously and even the lone drop of sweat rolling down its forehead was perfectly light. "Uh well..... Well Mr. Flamebottom Redbeard is well you know. Um like really big and no one has ever beaten him and then..."

I swung a hand up to stop the elf from saying anything else, "That might be the case but this year someone else is going to be winning." The elf of course asked who and I of course proudly posed with imaginary flood lights and slow moving doves, "Me and my friend. You may call him Wiener but never call him Link."

For a giant pot belly pig, Wiener definitely had the stealth going as I spoke and when the elf asked who Wiener was, turning his head from side to side to find Wiener, he was right behind him. I snapped my fingers SNAP and pointed behind him, the elf, while Wiener sucked in and let out a breath of air ruffling the elf's hair which invoked the messy hair elf protocol and the elf faint. Not caused by my fist by the way, just like to point that out.

Also I would like to mention the elf did reset itself several times, going "oh my..." as it did.


This time I was ready I took the imaginary energy drink and everything so I can could stay awake and focused. It tastes like bubble gum by the way and I always have to fight the urge to chew after drinking it.  Others look at me strangely after I drink some and I stop mid chew and nervously laugh, "Sorry, bubble gum flavor force of habit. You should see me try to blow a bubble." I say the last part jokingly and I alway just get stares from others as their mouths fall open.

I smack myself in the face a couple times, imaginary slaps of course and tell myself to pay attention that I can make it the extra mile or two. It isn't that bad and others have made it I hope. I think that is why that one wizard went all insane in the sort of here earth. He accidentally sat down with some elves and his whole being just cracked. Using magic he turned himself into a giant burning eye so he couldn't hear the elves tell their stories anymore. Little extreme yes and I would think he would go through a lot of eye drops thanks to all of the burning.

For a brief moment I get a cold chill running down my back. Like a major case of deja vu but in reverse and an odd feeling of having a staring contest with a large unblinking eye, after putting the flames out that was surrounding it.

"Okay go," I tell the elf, ready for words and a lot of details.

The elf cleared her throat and started to tell me the whole story. Never lacking in any detail either, she even told me the color of the butterfly's wings that landed on a flower not even near where what happened happened. Like I said details and no lack of them. Oh and she had a glass of water and some leaves the next day for breakfast and she thought one of the leaves was bad since she felt a  little off.

It seemed what I could decipher in all of the words is that Audokornet had appeared one day and sheep started to hit the fan immediately and I mean literally too. Which was really bad for for the people holding the fans. They were wearing sheep in the first couple moments and then BOOM chaos. Some of the elves of the tribe was turned into stylish but missing one piece shelves. Then this and that and this other thing and don't forget that one thing  that was easily forgotten. Finally the village elder showed up and tried to speak with Audokornet and well an elder tree now sits in the middle of the village attracting beavers and woodpeckers from miles around. All the chewing and knocking quickly became irritating since it went on for twenty four hours a day. So the the elf went on a quest to find help and that is where she ran into me.

The look on the elf's face said it all and being a hero there was only one thing I could do. Also since I opened the cookie jar that freed Audokornet I was sort of obligated to. In a blink of an eye I was up, the sun lighting me from behind dramatically.

"Like I said before I accept will help you people miss."

That is when everything went quiet. Did I do something wrong? Did someone harsh my dramatic? I started to lol around and that is when I saw the look on the elf's face. You know the one, one eyebrow slightly raised with the 'huh' look.

Um okay....... a little lost here........

"Did I miss something?"


I looked around for a moment since in that moment it went from quiet to awkwardly  quiet. You know that type of quiet, where you sit there and wonder what happened as glisten forms and you get the urge to pull your collar out to let the steam go. Really was expecting the quiet crickets to start chirping but they even stayed quiet which is never a good sign. They like to be heard when nothing else is making.


I turn back to the elf, give her the confused I am questioning why look which mirrored the look on her face and asked why but with more words.

The elf's bottom lip quivered for a moment before she answered with a mind shattering,close to reality shattering reply. Hold onto your horses, if you are riding one and hold onto something else if you are not. Are you ready to have your mind blown?

In a high elven voice the elf replied, "You called me a miss and I am a guy."


The elf could see the look that I had, blank stare and one eye twitching just a little as my mouth fell open just a little.

What? How could this be?

"Hello," the elf said as she I mean he waved  a hand in front of my face. How in the? He has a feminine voice. He has luxurious long locks of hair. His skin in unnaturally soft. All I could do is sit there, eye twitching a little to try and process everything.

Okay the elves in movies were different. Maybe the writers took some creative liberties with things when they made the movies. Not so well this * imaginary hand point to elf waving hand in front of me* elvish. Which is good I guess but deceiving.

Eye twitch, processing.

Still there was no signs as far as I could tell. Even when viewed  from all the different angles there was no signs. Oddly all of the angles  were light properly too.

Eye twitch, processing.

I guess there was ways for me to check. Neither are really good though. The first dealing with the invasion of personal space and a turn your head and cough. The second being just being blunt, "Hey are you a boy or a girl?" Which would cut out any confusion but it can cause a lot of trouble and a lot of non friendly looks and reactions.

Eye twitch, processing.

Not that it mattered really and hey I am glad they, the writer of this, didn't go with the stereotypical damsel in distress. A breath of fresh air really but a sign or warning would have been nice.

Eye twitch, processing.

Need to do something more than what I am doing now. Time to activate protocol two ninner ninner sixer or the 'I am just playing with you' protocol .

*placing imaginary safety glasses on before reaching for button *

Eye twitch, processing and.....


I jerk up and laugh for a moment,  one hand going and lightly and only lightly smacking the elf on his back. Any harder and I was afraid he would be knocked to the ground. "Just testing you. I wanted to see if you were suffering from any brain damage from being hit by low flying birds over and over. It looks you are okay," I said while giving him the thumbs up. The whole time crossing my imaginary fingers hoping that the elf believed what I said.

The old ninja art of whoza whatza whereza, my master hadn't really taught me that technique he said that I was already quite experienced at it. A veritable master at it he said. I stood there proudly with my and on my hips with light pouring all around me until something clicked and I stood there trying to figure out if he meant that as a compliment or something else. I thought for a long time, like a minute or two and declared it a compliment and laughed three times proudly.

"Thank you for checking," the elf said and in my head I cheered as I wiped the imaginary glisten off, he had bought it. "I had a friend who took buckeyes to the top of the top of head during the fall and he was never the same.

I of course nodded and looked concerned, it was the proper thing to do. "poor guy I hope he is better now."

"He was until the thing showed up on the village and started changing things."

Ow...... okay I said I was going to help and I do feel bad for opening the cookie jar but now... I gulp and the elf stops and looks at me, "What was that for?"

Well shoot, I thought I had done the gulp in my imagination now I have to...."Just thirsty," I answer, which was correct. It had been hours since I had drank anything and it is important to hydrate or you will just blow away, "So tell me, what should I UMPH!"

At that moment a giant something or another appeared, wrapped Round my head and pulled me off the ground. Feet dangling, I heard a deep baritone voice, "Time to race....."


Its nothing like having your face palmed. In a scale from one to ten I would give it an  urp. I would lick it to see if Ii would be let go but uh no. One I don't know where the hand has been and two ick no. Not even if the hand offered itself to be licked. I would say no.

*ninja monkey girl tip - just say no to licking others hands and don't fall to peer pressure either. If one of your friends says it is cool to lick others' hands give him a nervous laugh and back away. Then point and tell him no and continue walking  away. Licking others' hands is and never will be cool. It is sick and urpable.*

I considered biting but see above and biting is about that gross too, so yeah no, no biting thick fingers or hands thank monkey. Also people tend to either shake their hands or squeeze them when something happens to them and I like my head and don't want to imitate a grape.

"Hey! Ow! Stop no squeezing. Ow ow ow ow" *kersplat!*

Standing, well more like hanging there I shiver at the whole idea of being grapped. Best thing to do is just to hang out. Hey with a little work this place might not be that bad.... A rug over there. A small fish bowl over there with a non spitting fish in it and I think a picture hanging over there. Say.... I wonder if I could flip this place. The last thought made me shake my head to clear out the bad ideas that were starting to form  it looked like. Maybe that is what happens when you are getting your head squeezed.

I tried to say something but since I didn't want to taste palm it came out more like "Weba weeb gowb!" Come to think about it I could have jerked around and  popped out of the fingers but that was the last thing that was on my mind at that very long moment. What was pretty much the one thought was, don't be squished! So I just hung there and waited, hands across my chest. I wasn't happy and if I could I would put the hand on the spot. But that took movement and knowing where my eyes were and I wasn't really sure. Sort of in this my area, motioning with imaginary hands.

"Time to race."

There was that booming voice again. All I could say was "yeahb yeahb" as I hung there. The cool breeze on my feet, so help me if I am let go only to be dropped into a pit full of anything or a large mouth I will be very crossed. Hands across chest crossed and look where my arms are at.

I could feel my feet start to touch the found, it was hard and didn't try to bite me or anything else that would make me go "Ow!" Or scream in a lot of pain asking "Why?????" so I am going with ground. I should prepare, initiating scowl.

Yes I know the scowl is sort of extreme but you only have one moment to show a person how you feel and being palmed wasn't making me too happy. I could take it to the next level and do a foot tap but that is going overboard.

Pressure being release, light starting to be seen and.......


I just stand there for a moment, not to be dramatic though. Pretty sure my scowl and having my arms crossed in front of my chest is dramatic enough. Anything else would be an overkill and a waste. Also slow moving pigeons would not add to the whole what I was trying to express maybe an eagle with its talons out screeching might. But again overkill and I am not sure how I could hold up the eagle with my arms across my chest and the short round fees would be astronomical on it.

"You want to charge how much? All I want him to do is hold two eagles so they can screech and show their talons not anything else. It isn't like he is going to be in danger or anything. Talons and beak will be pointed away unless he slips up. Ugh fine do you take credit cards? He better do this really good for how much i am paying, better not try and eat the eagles or start to chant Kameha or something like and try to rip my heart out either."

The hill also known as Flamebottom Redbeard just stood there in front of me and o felt a tap on my shoulder. I knew what it was, my tail and I knew why it had tapped my shoulder for. I couldn't hide anything from it for some reason it seemed like it always knew what I was thinking and this time it was warning me that what I had in mind was maybe not the best idea. But hey it was an idea and I needed to give Redbeard a lasting impression. One that he would remember the best time he grabbed someone by the heat.

Keeping one arm across my chest to keep the whole not happy thing going I reached into my bag. When I felt what I was looking for in my hand I pulled my hand out a little and......

*Dramatic pause so you can chew your nails*

Whapped Redbeard on one of his big toes with a solid smack of my hyper turbo super staff of whapping signed by Johnny Chin, hiyah!  Sort of CRUNCH! Hey what do you expect he  probably kicks boulders with his feet and a sort of will still leave a lasting impression. If not hiyah! There was another sort of CRUNCH!

With one fluid motion I swung  the staff back and slipped back into my bag, arm going back across my chest and scowl still on position.


I will leave it there and let him think what that refers to. Mwhahaha okay that might have been a little too much. But I will let him think, that and my hand is hurting from hitting him on his big toe, ow!


Everything got quiet again around me and it seemed like that was happening a lot recently. I would blame someone or something else like whatever that weird thing over there is. *point to that weird thing over there, no not that. That is two gnomes wth one standing on the others shoulders. The other thing over there. No. No. Yes that thing wth antlers and sharp teeth. A winabego I think, again I think it is out of Norse cannon. Someone is being really lax on who is here and stuff.* But I knew what had caused it. My staff a connecting with big toe b. Everyone sort of expected that at any moment now I would be origamied into a mess at any moment fir what I had done.

I laugh at them ha ha. I don't like doing origami, too many folds and everything I try to do comes out looking like a crumpled piece of paper.

"Look a swan," I stand there smiling proudly after hours of carefully folding a piece of paper.


"Right here," I answer my big brother pointing at the swan in front of me.

"If you say so."

Those are the last words you want to hear after spending all of the time I had on folding and refolding, also tons of paper cuts. Well other than laughter or a lone 'Ha!' Those are never really funny when done in a situation like that. Especially when a pointing is added.

I looked down and back up to my brother, "okay it is tried and it is taking a nap."

"If you say so."

Those words again! I look down at the piece of paper laying there. It edges all red for my blood. Origami sucks, humph!

Yeah that won't be happening. No folding leg c over and behind back a in a way That it shouldn't be bending. If it came down to it I would whack flamebottom on his other big toe. I have fought bigger things,a walking hill shouldn't be too hard to beat I would think.

Okay my arm is still hurting from before and that was just hitting his big toe. Now come to think about it the rest of him does look tougher. Like he can split a mountain with just his face and laugh the entire time and his elbows look like they need a jar or two of moisturizer. Well poo maybe I should have thought this out first.

*imaginary fingers crossed that I will not be saying ow a lot soon.*


Standing there defiantly, I saw one of  Redbeard's hands begin to rise, getting higher and higher slowly. It isn't like he needed to rush or anything. I wasn't going to tap my foot and tell him to pick it up and go faster, that I got things to do. Well a thing really, to be  graped and I was in no big hurry to get to that. I could run and be somewhere else, like hmmmm..... over there. *point to top of mountain*

Running isn't my thing though, I stand in the face of danger and laugh. ha ha. Just two laughs though and no more, more is more mocking and danger doesn't like to be mocked. I learned that once and that was enough. How was I suppose to know that laughing and smacking your butt at danger isn't a good thing to do, my master hadn't told me that yet. I think he told me that the next day, post bruising and ows. So yeah I stood there with my hands across my chest, imaginary glisten dripping down my back as I secretly hoped that I wasn't going to be taught a new lesson.

"Ah little monkey girl today the lesson will be what to do when faced with a hill that is about to grape you.*

My response would be an easy one, not even using words so there would not be any miscommunication. Faint! Which I could do now, as the hand descends to do the graping I just faint. It might not continue downloads and just try to grape the air and then go back up. But eh, waste of a good faint.

I watched as the hand rose in front of me, my eyes following it just to be on the safe side. Which when being graped is not where I am standing but yeah stubborn so I stay right here. I could feel a shaking in my butt which meant that my tail was scared too. This wasn't good, why do I do things without thinking things through sometimes?

All around me on the ground a great darkness extinguished the light, in other words big hand was coming down. Any moment now I would find out if my story with a squish and a large moist towelette or and my tail had its fingers crossed for our adventures would continue.

For a brief moment I thought I was slowly being lifted off the ground, the hand's gravity much stronger than my own and i was being drug into its gravity something or another and soon be spinning around it like a moon. Unlike a moon not being round and not being constantly hits by asteroids. It would be hard to hold a conversation being a moon though, constantly spinning...

"Hi my name is ....."

"Nichole Anne Marie....."

"Smith. It is a........"

" pleasure to meet you....."

"I think all of...."

"This spinning is....."

"Getting me sick. Hey where...l"

"Did you go?"

Thankfully I was wrong with the gravitational pull and it was just a visual illusion thing. Like the car is moving thing but you have your foot on the brake and the parking brake on but it feels like the car is moving. Like that but vertically.

I could feel something lightly press against the top of my head and I closed my eyes. I didn't want to see how dirty the fingers are if they closed on my head. The last few seconds of my life going "Ewwww he doesn't clean his hands. What is that stain over there caused by? Don't tell me I don't want to know and you should start thinking about using some hand moisturizer  a lot of dry rough cracky skin."

Any moment now i might feel five points of pressure and it won't be on any of my pressure points. No light taps and I am out just squeeze and mumph! But none of that came thank monkey, it was more of a up and down pressing on my head.

"Pretty kitty....."

Kitty?!?! KITTY?!?!

Okay take a breath before acting and getting yourself into trouble. Maybe he hasn't seen a monkey girl before and honestly cat girls are more popular for some reason....

*deep breath in and out*


Interested to see what I was going to do my tail swung upwards and peeked over my shoulder in a non-catlike way. I took another breath before responding and looked up at the hill.

"I am not a cat girl," and nonchalantly swing a hand up and point wth a thumb back towards my tail, "that is a monkey tail. Hard to tell the difference really unless you know what to look for, the primary difference is that a monkey tail  is prehensile." Luckily my tail was paying attention at the moment and wrapped around my arm for a moment, waving its tip at Mr. Redbeard before unwrapping itself, "cat tails are not and are just there for show really. They cannot pick anything up or anything just sway back and forth and if there are a lot of rocking chairs in a room, get caught under them. Monkey tails are like ninjas and would laugh at the whole rocking chair thing." My tail of course nodded.

"Also I take showers,  cat girls lick themselves which is ick. Hey I just ran through a swarm of bugs I better lick myself clean." *shiver and tongue out, close to urping* "Yeah you will be clean sort of but you will be tasting what made you dirty. Which can be nasty sometimes. I am not even sure where they learned that from. Hey guys why walk  all the way over to a bath tub and fill it while we can just lick ourselves. That is way more portable and hey you can clean yourself anywhere. The marketing on tongue cleaning was great since that is all cats do no and that means catgirls too."

I swing around and point to a Norse that was nearby, "Get that dirty thought out of your head." Then turned back to the hill and gave him a little smile, "Okay where was I?  Oh yeah, not a cat girl things. Let me see......"

Standing there I think for a moment, "I don't go around scratching anything and destroying furniture. My nails are only for scratching an itch or painting. Cats like attacking furniture and curtains, like they have a vendetta against them or anything that looks like furniture.  I talk from experience with that. You see i was at home wearing a new pair of pants, minding my own business when suddenly Miss Pickles, our family cat that smelled like pickles, decided that one of my legs was a furniture looking enough and went...." I pause for a moment thinking about that dark day. "Went all rabid badger on my leg. Scratching and I think gnawing on it. I went from reading and having a good day to screaming, crying, screaming and trying to get away. I thought I had gotten away several times but it pulled me back in and I think dropped an elbow on me. When everything was done half the couch was missing, my pant leg and I think the flesh on my leg. There was a. Lot of crying and asking why. A dark couple seconds. Would you like to see the scars?"

I kneel down and start to pull up the one pant leg, pausing long enough to look up," I hope you can stomach it. It is really nasty. People have seen it and fainted."  The was my warning before jerking the pant leg up just enough to show the scar, I wasn't going to pull it up more since I am not an exhibitionist.

"Look at it," I said pointing with a finger towards the scar. "nasty isn't it?"

Flamebottom laughed and I yanked my pant leg back down, stood back up in a humphed.

"See if I was a cat girl I would have hissed and spit after that little laugh. Possibly bare my claws and have my hair stand up to make myself look bigger. I am sound none of that, so not a cat girl."

*proud pose since I just proved beyond a reasonable doubt that I am not part cat*

*monkey note - if you ever find yourself part cat. I hope you own stock in brushes and hair gel. Oh and mirrors. Unless you like the messy hair or entire head POOF Mohawk look.*

"It is time to race, kitty," Flamebottom rumbled.

I could feel my eye begin to twitch as I stood there. He was testing me I just know it. Seeing how far he could push me before I snap or throw me off my game. Not going to happen.

*imaginary dismissive wave*

"Not a kitty and let us get this over with. I have a village to save from something that escaped from a cookie jar."


I could feel the eyebrow raise the moment I said those words. Yeah I released something from what looked like a cookie jar. It wasn't my fault, okay it was and I am taking full blame for it and will be putting Audokornet back in the cookie jar too but I was trained that tasty things are hidden in cookie jars.

"Before you ask, yes I did something that I shouldn't have but I will get things fixed."

Of course I should have turned around before I said that so I wouldn't have gotten the following  "what are you talking about?" I turned to see that Redbeard had walked away, quiet silently for a hill of his size and saw a gnome. Well I am guessing it was a gnome to be hionest, maybe I am profiling and I don't know it. But the person standing in front of me had a red hat on with a long beard and about so tall. *lift hand to about my hips* Unless Santa had shrunken it was a safe bet to go with gnome.

"Um nothing," I said, rubbing the back of my head with a hand, "just playing with you."  I drop my hand and did the whole hand gun thing, winked and made that funny sound with my mouth. The gnome rolled its eyes as it turned and walked away, shaking its head the whole time. Whew! *imaginary wipe of forehead*

Now where in the world did Redbeard go? He could have told me he was going to walk away and not make me look like an idiot. I look around for a moment trying to see if I could see him, it is not like a hill can disappear. But it looked like he had somehow. Maybe he was scared after my little show with his toe and the whole not a catgirl thing. Handled without violence. *proud pose and big smile* What? The whole staff on the big toe thing was violent. Hmmm...... I was defending myself and others who could have had their heads graped. I was fearing for my head, I like it the shape it is in now. Anyways.... *proud pose and big smile * The whole thing was sort of handled without violence.

I snickered to myself, the almighty Redbeard had chickened out. I was about to do the winner's dance when I felt something hand-like on my head again, the whole world going dark. Moments later I could feel,my feet lifting off the ground.

"Time to race, kitty."

Grumble grumble grumble. Well poo and I am not a kitty.


I just let it go, the whole being picked off the ground and being bodily moved. The staff to the toe didn’t really help it looks like and my hands can’t take another whapping reverb like that. So like the song said with all the snow, freaky snowman and singing, “Let it go.... Let it go.... it is best to let it go or your hands will be hurting a lot....”�or something like that. The snowman really threw me off, popcorn was not being eaten as planned when he popped up on the screen.  Mouth hung open the whole time after that until the end of the movie which my brother insisted on putting things in. Still cannot figure out when he  stuck the mail in there.

When the pressure and darkness vanished I found myself standing on top of Weiner. My hand Itching to be around my staff and to teach Redbeard another lesson, I questioned it though. Was it itching because it wanted to teach a lesson or that it was still tingling from the last time and forgot the lesson it had. My hand thought for a moment, nodded and agreed. It had forgotten and didn’t want to go through that whole WHAP and vibrate thing again. The first time was enough for the both of them. I still stood there with my arms folded across my chest giving Redbeard a dirty look.

“Stop doing that! I am not a squeeze toy! Now let’s get this race over with so I can get to the village.”

“Kitty mad.”

I could have exploded, boom monkey girl guts all over but I didn’t. I just brought a hand up and rubbed the bridge of my nose, “We have gone over this before. Tail, not a monkeys. Fingernails, not claws and will not scratch up furniture. Clean, will not lick myself clean. No hairballs for this girl.”� With a little pat, I dropped down onto Wiener then looked at Redbeard, “Um where is your ride?”

Redbeard looked down confused, ”Already  on it.”

“Really?”� I peek over the edge of Wiener to see what Redbeard was riding, I excepted a buffalo or something like that. You know stout and strong, a forklift maybe. But what I saw was...... was...... was..... was funny! Antlers, that is all that I saw. Just antlers and nothing yes I think. From up here that is all I could see. I am not talking about antlers up to Redbeard’s shoulders either. I am talking about barely up to his waist.

“Time out,” I said giving everyone the power sign of the time out. Kicking one leg over I slipped off the side of Wiener and down onto the ground. Curiosity killed the cat but I am not a cat. I just had to see what was between Redbeard’s legs. Ugh I cannot believe I just said that. Now I have to clean your brain for thinking thoughts that really doesn’t fit with the ratings, PG to G. Nothing higher than that. Something was down there and had antlers and curious and not dirty minds wanted to know.

*slip imaginary deerstalker hat on*



I landed and my tail peeked out from behind me, curiosity getting the best of it. We were both safe with the whole curiosity thing since neither of us were cats like I keep telling Redbeard. If we were we would have been dead now for some reason thanks to our curiosity. We had to figure this out. What was Redbeard’s game? Has he been fooling everyone all of these years, actually has had a set of antlers strapped to his hips and been running this whole time.

Let me show you, quickly I pull out my smartphone which is actually getting reception here surprisingly, snap a photo and send. You should be getting it any time now. [insert sound of your smartphone receiving a photo] Go ahead and look at it, can you figure out how? A person of Redbeard’s hillness should have a larger mount. I mean there is a large amount of hill that needs to be moved. Are you trying to do the math, no matter what you can’t can you? No matter where you put the decimal point you still come up with that isn’t possible by physics.

“The jig is up,” I tell Redbeard, running a hand down the brim of my imaginary deerstalker and giving the camera a smile, “I have seen through your ruse and I reveal it to the world now. Oh and Indubitably.”

With that I grab a hold of one of the antlers and pull. There will be gasps I know it and “Why didn’t we see that?” I expected the antler to come off in my hand but it didn’t so I grab it with both hands and try again. Nothing, there was a little movement but that was all. Maybe Redbeard had it really strapped on' I told myself. I gave it another tug. Now. Maybe if I pulled it this way... Nope. I put both feet up on Redbeard and pull, gritting my teeth strong too and a little grunt  came out of me. Quickly I dropped to the ground and tried to find anything that I could place the grunt on and spotted a slug.

“Um yeah it wasn’t me doing that grunt. It was,” I point to the slug that was slowly crawling away and minding its business, “Um that. The infamous grunt slug, they go around sneaking behind people and grunt. Usually behind people that would never grunt like myself.”

Of course the slug just kept going leaving a trail of slug slime for people to slip on until finally it realized that it was being talked about. Slowly turning its head around and going, “Hey....” but that happens like another hour from now. It is a slug thing, like salt. They are sodium allergic, it sort of doesn’t get along with them so no salt on their fries.

“You have it strapped on industrial strength and the extra bit that I now see with the blinking eyes and tongue really helps the illusion of you actually riding something but Redbeard, if that is your real name, the jig is up. Everyone knows that straps have to wrap around something to hold something else up and even though you hide them pretty well in the front there is one area that everyone forgets.”

I pull out my imaginary pipe, tapping it once or twice on something and place it in my mouth. It is a black licorice one by the way and not an actual pipe, ick. Then walk around Redbeard giving him the detective eye, one eyebrow raised a little and nodding just enough.


“You see sir, Mr. Redbeard, again if that is your real name. Everyone forgets to hide things here,” with that I grab a hold of his red plaid kilt. Oops I forgot to tell you that part, Flamebottom Redbeard is wearing a kilt. Now you are up to date. Anyways I grab a hold of the bottom of it and yank it up,

Monkey,you might say, um yeah why did you so that. I would answer I didn’t but I am a really good actress so I am acting like a detective and detectives would do that for some reason. You know find clues in odd places and everything. Why clues go to those places I don’t know.

“Ah  hah!”

I heard screams coming from behind me followed by people falling to the ground, I think I even heard someone yell “My eyes!” I wish I wasn’t a really good actress because now I have to faint because what I have seen. Hopefully I don’t have cold glisten covered nightmares after THUMP!


It was only a moment before I pushed myself up since what made me faint was now covered, thank monkey. I did not need to see what I saw another time. It was firmly burned into my brain the first time and will take a number of banana milkshakes to get it out of there, a number that i will determine later.

“You  know you should warn people about,” motioning with a hand towards Redbeard’s kilt. Making sure I was far enough way so when I did do it there was no breeze or anything that could somehow blow it up. 

“There was a rogue wind today that blew up Flamebottom Redbeard’s kiltMass fainting and “Oh my” was seen and heard. Birds ran into the sides of things and other odd things. Find out more at eleven.”

Yeah that I don’t want. No more things caused by me by accident. One thing was enough and I really don’t need  to hear “i am blind!”� Yelled over and over behind me.

“I  mean really, don’t you get cold up there in the mountain when the cold wind blows and everything, “�breathe,”Think about your mount. Which we will be getting to in a moment. Do you think it like the feel of that,” again motioning with a hand far enough away, “sitting on its back? Also think about everyone standing around you, some of these people,” motioning with a hand back to the people and creatures behind me, “are still blinded by what they see, both mentally and physically. I mean look at that creature over there,” pointing to a bird that was flying erratically in the sky, “It is blinded.â”

redbeard’s eyes shifted upwards and back down, “That is a bat.”

“What?” I jerk around looking frantically about for a bat. Oh, oh yeah. I was testing you,” � I said taking several steps away from the bat, laughing nervously as I did, ”And you passed. Still it was confused on what time it was when it saw a full moon. “Just to be safe I took a couple more steps away from the bat so there was no t it could get its tiny hands in my hair.

Redbeard just shrugged and I took a deep breath before opening my mouth, “I will find something because um..... yeah. We don’t need a repeat. But first let’s look at this ‘ride’ of yours.”

*note to self - self keep hands and anything else that can grip away from the kilt. Highlight that note since it is important that no one ever sees that again. End note to self.*


I took a couple steps around Redbeard and a whole lot more since he was a hill. Also I was trying to stay far enough so not to kick up any wind so Redbeard’s kilt wasn’t accidentally blown up.

“So sir, Your ‘mount’as you call it and not ‘something I ingeniously hide the straps for’ is your ride to use modern terminology. Even though it does not look like it would be able to carry a hill such as yourself,” I pause and bring my imaginary pipe, red licorice this time, up to my mouth and give it a little lick, “Indubitably sir something is afoot.”

*imaginary fingers crossed that I used afoot correctly.*

I took a couple more steps and put a hand on one of the antlers and tried to wiggle it, successfully I might say and decided to push it. You see being a detective, see imaginary hat that I am wearing, I discerned that the antler could possibly be attached with a socket and be spun off. Being a detective *point to imaginary hat* I needed to investigate the lead. I took a hold of the antler and try to give it a twist and got a jet of smelly air blown into my face. Okay.... maybe I had twisted it the wrong way. I gripped the antler again and spun it the other way this time I got another jet of smelly air blown into my face and the antler yanked out of my hand. Also the eyes that were between the antlers to add to the whole illusion of something being there were glaring at me.

“Nice animatronics,” I said with a nod, “most people would not have animated the eyes. Most would have just used painted ping pong balls or the eyes that jiggle when they are moved. You took the extra step, i salute you sir but the jig is up. You can fool everyone but I am a detective with a deerstalker cap and a red licorice pipe so I cannot be fooled. Ha ha!  The ha ha was added for effect, sort of like short round holding a light behind me with slow moving pigeons but without all of that and vocal. Done seriously with no pointing and knee slapping.

I took a hold of the antler and gave it another twist, another jet of smelly air hit me n the face as the antler yanked itself out of my hand and then came down on my head THUMP! “Ow.....” I said taking a couple steps backwards, rubbing the top of my head as I did. “What was that for?”

“Forticurtu does not like,” � Redbeard answered.

I squinted and looked at the antlers, also the area between the antlers and took a couple hesitant steps forwards, Forticurtu? That sounds made up hmm..... is this a weird puppet or something? Maybe a costume? I have seen people wearing them on Halloween, they are dressed up as a cowboy and part of the costume is the horse that they ‘ride’. Redbeard could be pulling something like that off...... hmmmm.....

I give Redbeard the inquisitive once over and not forgetting the Forticurtu either. Hmmmm...... I take the pipe out of my mouth for a moment to say a word, “Indubitably”� then stick it back in. Only one way to see if this Forticurtu is a costume, sounds made up. Time to test, pull leg beg and test kick. THUMP!

Out of nowhere a dark shape shot out and.......and....... licked. Slobber. Ick. Drool. Ick. Nasty smell. Ick. Slime. Ick.

All I can do is stand there and not take it all in as I fish a hand into my bag for a moist towelette. Ick.


Moist Towelette comes out and I wipe my face, thankfully somewhere I had purchased hand towel sized ones so I only needed one to get the stuff off of my face instead of pulling several out and trying that.

“What is up with Norse and personal space,”� I grumble as I find a garbage can to put the towelette in. “That was disgusting,” start to say when I walk back to whatever this Forticurtu is and do a defensive one hand block when I see a dark shape coming for me again. No way will I be slobbered on again, “Defensive block!”

I could feel moistness touching my skin and I couldn’t help but shiver. It was ick, moist and a weird texture pressed against my skin and then up my arm. Ick. When all of the moistness is done I pull out a smaller moist towelette, clean my arm and squint at the source of the slobbering as it pulls back and disappears.

With my monkey girl like reflexes I could have easily grabbed it whatever the slobbering thing was and some of you might ask why I didn’t do that. Well read what I just said and there was one word that would answer your question, slobbering. That word alone gets an automatic ‘no’ and ’nuh uh’ as a reaction. Well other than with banana milkshakes...

“Monkey I have a banana milkshake here that is so good it will make yuh slobber.”

“Hmmm..... yes I will take it but you need to turn around so you don’t see me drinking it. Even better, door....out now. Mmmmmmm..... banana gold.”

So I will let the slobbering thing slip away but now I know, I have Indubitably deduced what is happening here. There is only one creature in the world that has a long tongue like what I just *shudder* experienced. An anteater, no they don’t have antlers, I take a couple steps forward, squinted and leaned closer. Fighting  all the warning lights that were going off in my head I sniffed.

I took a second before standing up, brought my hand up to my imaginary pipe and nodded. Standing there I could see the beginning of a licking starting and I quickly brought a hand up and pointed, “Stop!”

“So where is did you find one this small,”� I asked as I looked up towards where I thought the hill’s eyes were.

He he I am going to stop there for a moment to be dramatic. To have you try and figure out what I did. Did you out on your detective hat on and everything? I will give you a moment........


Redbeard didn’t answer and I knew why, he knew I knew. The great monkey girl detective had figured things out. *proud pose with bright lights* It had taken a little bit but that is what I lead everyone to believe, that I didn’t know what he was riding. I knew what he was riding. *confident nod, one nod since I didn’t want to rub it in * it was obvious really. * another nod * I was acting, trying to get Redbeard to admit to the whole thing. That is what detectives do some times, well ones of my caliber. We get the person to admit to things so we can go “Ah Ha!”� and point.

But Redbeard knew that I knew so he wasn’t playing the game. *slow shake of head* I watched enough of the old police shows with my dad and knew I could get rough with him. You know shine a light into his eyes, after setting up scaffolding and finding enough extension cord and crack my knuckles as I tell him that he should just admit to everything since someone squealed on him.


Yeah I know, that gives pigs bad names with the use of that word.

Anyways I would point to something, like they leprechaun over there. Again what is up with all this mixing of creatures from the wrong mythology. I mean come on a leprechauns here, how can that even be permitted?

*dismissive wave *

Anyways I would point at something and say it told me everything and to fess up before I had to get rough. Crack my knuckles again making sure he doesn’t see me shake my hands. Finally ask please and maybe offer him something that dwarves like, you know like rocks.

But since Redbeard was a hill and I was me and I liked me, me in the sense of not being crushed. I decided best to throw the doors wide open and announce my findings.

“Tell me where did you find the mini moose!?!?”

Gasp. Yes Redbeard rides a mini moose, not a dwarf moose since that would get confusing side well a dwarf riding a dwarf moose. There is a lot of dwarf there so best to say mini and cut out the confusion.

Redbeard said nothing of course and just pointed up to the mountain. I turned around to look of course, you do that when someone points. The whole point when something with a lot of teeth and claws is running towards you principal.

“Yes mountain,”� I say turning back around nodding, ”fine if you aren’t going to tell me then I guess we can race. I will be ready in a moment.”  I start to turn around and spin back, “No cheating either!”


I could give you all of the details of me climbing up on Wiener but yeah I think you have better things to do then to read that.

“She lifts one foot making sure it is secure be....” *yawn*

Yeah boring so skipping, all you need to monke is that I made it from the ground up to the top floor in no time and without any issues. All safety regulations were followed and yawn boring. *head jerks for and back up* See yeah that is why I skipped this section because it is boring and I almost fell asleep.

All I need to know was that I checked everything on Wiener and all systems were a go. Full speed ahead. Aye aye captain. I kept Wiener in low gear as we pulled up next to Redbeard, dropping the hydraulics a little to make sure Redbeard knew we weren’t kidding although I have to remember to not focus on one set of legs so there isn’t any hopping effect where I have to hold on to anything or everything in fear of being thrown off. Really need to put a warning somewhere about that.

Up ahead a woman with huge butterfly wings flew in between us and raised a flag. It was time!

“Ready to lose,” I said with a smile as I prepared and I heard the hill laugh.

The flag dropped and we were off!


In the first few moments I eat so much dirt, Norse dirt in fact which is more filling than regular non Norse dirt, that I spit out a pledge to go on a diet. Just a dirt diet mind you and nothing tasty like let me think, hmm.......  banana milkshakes.  Wow that was completely random, who would have thought, I could have picked anything like asparagus, not tasty and spooky looking or lemon jello, the black sheep of the jello family. Who thought up the whole lemon thing anyways?

As the dirt, dust, pebbles and small animals settled to the ground I just keep spitting trying to get that dirt taste out of my mouth. Coughing too because yeah dirt, it gets everywhere. I even pulled out a tissue from my bag and blew my nose, blowing out balls of dirt as I did. Carefully getting off Wiener to place them on the ground so they can be with their dirt friends.

Eventually, after everything settled and I stopped spitting, coughing and wiping the dirt from my eyes I looked to see where Flamebottom was and could see a dirt cloud off in the distance.

“Well poo!” I said spitting a little, “We need to catch up!”

I started to walk to the front of Wiener ready to be go back up and he took a step away, “What,” I  asked looking at him, “Did I step in something?”  Balancing on one foot and then the other I check the bottom of my feet and see nothing, well other than dirt I see nothing.

“Is there something on my back?” I was hoping there wasn’t anything on my back like a tick since I could imagine what a Norse tick would look like with a beard and helmet. Maybe Redbeard had put a sign on my back with some strange symbols on it that only other dwarves or Norse understand.

“Why is everyone chuckling behind me?”

“Oh nothing, *chuckle* there is just a....”

“There is just a what?”  I ask and moments later my tail taps my shoulder, “What is it girl?” It answers with a ripping sound, not it ripping itself off if you was concerned but ripping s sign off of my back.

“What is this,” I ask taking the sign and reading, “Ragnarok my what!?!?” Followed by the crumpling of paper and growling, “Redbeard!!!!”

Wiener shook his head and gave me the once over.

“What is....” I start to ask as I look down and see dirt! Not on the ground dirt but full body dirt. As in where did the monkey girl go all we have is this dirty thing here. A walking dirt person, while cute and adorable still dirty with a capital Dirty. I raised my hand, then arm and nearly fainted.

“Let me go shower,” I told Wiener and he nodded.

The race could wait I did not want to mistaken for a dust bunny.


I walk out of the shower nice and clean, towel on my shoulders, my hair drying in the sun and my tail bobbing up and down. What do you think I was going to  tell about the shower? Yeah this is not that type of story and you should be ashamed of yourselves even thinking about it. You should consider maybe taking a bar of soap and washing your brains.

The only thing you need to know about the shower was it was Norse. Going from extreme hot and cold without warning. I have not screamed so much in my life. Thanks to the constant shifting between the two extremes a storm front was created in the shower area, which was Norse of course so think a lot of stone, woods and horns. Oh and those horns had creepy eyes that followed me wherever I went. I got the hebejebes when i dropped the soap once, I was surprised to actually find a bar of soap too. The math is simple really, Norse plus dirt and ick does not equal soap, solve for the equation and if you try to solve for it you get pew pew and eyes watering.

Anyways like I was saying, bar gets dropped. I bend over to pick it up and monkey girl senses being watched by eyes senses kicked in. Slowly I rose and looked around. The eyes of all of the horn thing slowly moving to look away, either the water was either hot or I heard some one whistling. Immediately water was turned off, towel got wrapped around and inspected all of the horns, very closely. Eventually deciding to blindfold them all before continuing.

Water was turned on and holy bananas. Immediately the Norse shower continued, water shifting from teeth chattering cold to ow ow my skin is turning red and I am not a lobster hot. Like I said somehow a storm front was created and I found myself being pummeled by hail, roasting which is kind of odd in wet conditions or being drug around the showers by tornados. Smacking into every hard or sharp pointy surface possible. After what seemed like hours with a lot of begging and crying i managed to grab a hold of something and pulled myself free, clean and massaged deeper than I have ever been massaged before. A while through the body massage in the way, think deep muscle but leaving an impression on whatever you are laying on massage. Be it a nice soft cushion, hard as anything rock or sharp pointy thing.

“So am I clean enough,” I ask Weiner as I stepped up to him. He gave me a nod and lowered his head and up I went. Balance, walk, spin and drop and I was ready.

I took a deep breath and looked into the distance, one hand above my eyes to shade them from the sun. “How far is....” I stopped right there, shocked and surprised at the dust cloud way on the distance.

“We need to catch up,” I said taking the reigns, well more like hold on for my dear life cord, “Giddy up!”

We were off, “I need to flip the nitros on,”� I yelled. Wiener nodded and WHOOSH.............


Everything became a blur around Wiener and myself in an instant. No warnings, no nothing. Pull the trigger and BOOM! I am not sure if Wiener’s feet were even touching the ground, we might have actually been flying really low to the ground instead but I couldn’t tell since I was busy doing one thing. Holding on for my dear life! Not just a little holding either, it was white knuckle holding. Gritting teeth and hoping that no small birds or insects flew by. That would be ick with a capital ick.

“Holy Mooooooooo..............................“ I yelled as we shot forwards. Passing some guy dressed in red with a lightening bolt on his chest. “Hey there”, I told him, not giving him a wave. It wasn’t because I wasn‘t trying to be nice or anything. I would have but I had the distinct image in my mind of being yanked off and being lost to some force that all people who go fast can possibly be lost to or fall, tumble and finally slam into a tree. The first one I wasn’t to sure about and sounded too comic booky but the second one sounded painful and yeah no. Me and pain do not mix. The man in red looked at me with that looked like he was completely lost, maybe he never saw a giant Vietnamese pot belly big before or I looked even more cute and adorable holding on for my dear life. Not sure, I was to busy holding on.

“I like the whole red thing, ptoo ptoo,” I wasn’t doing a weird hand gun thing to the man in red. I was spitting out a bug! Some might say, monkey you could have eaten it and got some fiber. I would answer those people with ick and hand them, using really big tongs, a giant white grub. One of those ones that will explode when you barely touch it and tell them that they can eat it and it will be good for them. BOOM and KERPSLAT! “It really suits you, the lightening bolts too, makes it look like you are going fast.”

Again the man just gave me a look, I couldn’t tell if he cocked an eyebrow or anything underneath the almost full head mask he was wearing. Which I couldn’t pull off since I don’t want mask hair. All plastered down and stuff. No, maybe a small little mask if I was a super hero and that is all. Something stylish but practical. No gadgets in it that could accidentally kick on at the wrong moment.

“Greetings villain, I am [insert really cool hero name] and I have fouled your plans! Ha ha,”  reach up to a face mask for some reason and freeze. “Oh my monkey! How do I turn this off? How do I turn this off? You really need to consider wearing another pair of underwear under your uniform and not heart boxers! Turn away! Turn away! So I can take this mask off, turn it off and keep my identity safe.”

I shook my head, did the guy think he was the fastest man alive or something? Tsk tsk.

“Hey it has been nice talking and everything. But I have a dwarf on a dwarf moose to catch up to go to go.”

I gave the man in red another nod, hunkered down and stuck my butt up a little bit. I have seen people who race horses do that on tv in a movie I think, helps with aerodynamics. My tail wrapped held on for its dear life and oops need to say something snappy I think.

“Don’t worry, I will be gone in a flash,” I said and BOOM! My words were left behind in the dust with the man in red as I yelled yihaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.........