Memories and Thoughts

[bandit]

"The blues is losing someone you love and not having enough money to immerse yourself in drink."
-Henry Rollins

The only logical place to start this blog is with the story of what's happened to me over the last year and a half or so. I was asked not to use names so I'll be using the first letter of people's names. Just a warning...it's not a fluffy happy story.

Part 1

So back in 2006 I met a guy, K, who I liked from the first moment I met him. K had this talent for being totally offensive and completely hilarious all at once. No one could be more vicious and entertaining than him. At the same time he was one of the most loyal friend's I've ever had. He worked for me for a few years and after I closed my business we stayed in touch, constantly hanging out or going to concerts. By the time he moved in with my family and I, we were like brothers. This was a subject that came up almost constantly between us and sometimes with others. K was the younger brother I'd never had, and I was the older brother he never had. We genuinely loved each other and he became a very big part of my family. My kids worshiped him and he loved them like they were his own.

On the subject of my kids, I'll say that K was notorious for sharing funny stories about my kids with everyone. I would run into some member of his family or some other friend of his that I'd never met before and they would almost always say, "OH you're the guy with the kid who..." and I would laugh and say they were right. K eventually moved out of my house to live with his girlfriend. They had a kid together, a little girl, and all was good for him for a while. But things started to fall apart and soon he and his girlfriend broke up. K asked if he could move in with us again and we agreed. He was rarely ever at home, constantly off doing other things. I had assumed that after having slept in a bedroom in a home he had owned, sleeping in my basement and hanging out in a place that wasn't his had lost its luster.

On July 26th of that year I was celebrating some good news with another friend R. We were sitting on my porch drinking good rum and smoking cigars. K came out of the house and started walking. I asked where he was off to and he simply told me he was walking to a friend's house a block or two away. To make a long story short, I spoke with him one last time on the phone that night after the cops showed up looking for him. He swore to me on the phone that he was okay, and that he would call when he was ready to come home.

It's estimated that shortly after he got off the phone with me, he hung himself from that bridge with a belt and a metal hook.

This was easily the most painful experience of my life. When K died it really felt like a part of me died with him. I've never been the same and have struggled with guilt and a variety of other issues since his death. It'll be two years this summer since he did it. I'm doing a lot better now, but it's been a long hard road to get here. I never would have made it through that time without a mutual friend of K and I's who we'll call P. P was right in the middle of his fight against a rare form of Luekemia. Lest talk a bit about P.....


Part II


I met P under similar circumstances when I still owned my business. P was the first employee I ever hired and we got pretty close pretty fast. Not as close as K and I were but P was a very independent soul. P had an infectious personality. It was impossible not to like him, not to adore him. Without being the least bit famous, P was a rock star. A lot of people didn't like him when they first met him but they always ended up loving him. Like K, P was very close to my family. We had thrown birthday parties for him, he loved my kids and my kids loved him. P even thought it was funny to opening flirt and solicit my wife for sex. It was all in good fun and we all laughed about it.

He too was crushed by K's death, as I mentioned before. P felt a lot of anger about the whole thing and we talked a lot about that. I tried to get him to calm down and not to let his anger eat him up.

It's also worth mentioning that P wasn't afraid of getting high. P was no stranger to smoking a little pot now and then and had dabbled in other things. He wasn't a fan of anything too hard or nasty but more than anything P loved to drink. He had a massive amount of Irish ancestry and if I could share his full name you'd laugh and agree. Needless to say, he wasn't afraid of taking his pain killers...however he did hesitate to take his antibiotics.

In November of that year, he got a massive infection in his brain and gave us all a serious scare. He came dangerously close to dying and we were all relieved when he walked out of the hospital. I remember calling him and lecturing him about taking not just the drugs he thought were fun, but also taking the drugs that'd keep him alive.

Unfortunately P didn't listen to me. A few weeks later he got another infection and it claimed his life. It was impossible for my brain to process only five months after losing K. I wasn't nearly as emotional when P died as I was when K died. I certainly had my moments but I remember just feeling numb.

Part III - Interlude

A year would go by after losing P and K and I spent a lot of that time just trying to figure out what the hell to do with myself. A new friend moved in with us, staying in the same room in the basement that K used to. I got to see P's brother who told me that I was responsible for P becoming the man that he was. His brother told me that I was singlehandedly responsible for P really growing up in the years I knew him. I was flattered to be told what a huge impact I had in P's life, and that it was so positive. P's brother is a straight shooter. He's the kind of guy who is honest even when honesty is likely to get him an ass whoopin' or a slap in the face. To hear him say such incredible things made getting through that time a little easier.

During this time though there was a bit of a bump in the road.

I have a friend that I met online roleplaying. Ten years ago, we were part of a rather large group roleplay on yahoo groups that was based on the first X-Men movie. I have to smile as I type this lol...those were good times. Anyway, I played an original character and she was playing Boom Boom. R is what we will call her, and she sent me an email out of the blue saying she liked the way I wrote and was curious if after Boom Boom escaped the clutches of the Juggernaut, would I be interested in writing with her.

This would start a writing relationship that would last over a decade. It was rare that I ever played in a group game without her at that point. We played in other comic based games, some sci fi, but about five or six years ago she read the Anita Blake books. This changed our roleplay habits for the next six years. While we did dabble in other things, the Anita-verse was a constant. I have a handful of characters that I've been playing for years not thanks to her and I love them like they're real people thanks in no small part to R.

It was really hard to take when this past summer she was diagnosed with Ovarian cancer. I swore to her that I'd be there every step of the way, as best I could since we live on opposite coasts, and I would help her get through it. Well, she started treatments and things were looking good. I got a great job shortly after that, and it's turned into a pretty fantastic potential career as well. Hell there was even talk of her moving out here to come work with me once her treatments were over.

Part IV

My mother in law had been diagnosed with breast cancer some time ago. She had battled her way through it and had come out on top. Despite being a tad white trashy about it, we tried to be supportive as she looked forward to the reconstruction of her breasts. My mother in law was no saint and made a mountain of mistakes over the years. She was, quite frankly, a horrible mother to my wife and generally a failure at every venture she ever attempted. That said, she tried very hard for a very long time to be a good Grandmother to our kids. She didn't always hit the nail on the head but I have to say she at least tried.

While I wasn't terribly close to my Mother in law, it was a shock when she wound up in the hospital again. In about a week, she went from perfectly normal (or as normal as she got) to dead. I was in the room when she passed, and it was an experience that I still struggle to find words for. The worst part of this whole experience was having to come home and tell the kids that one of their Grandmothers had died.

If I live to be 120 I'll never be able to get the image out of my head of my daughter's reaction. Panic quickly turned to horror on her pretty little face at which point she simply began to sob. I would have given anything for her, at 9, to not have to experience that. The only pain that even compares to what I felt when I crushed my kids with that news is the pain I felt when I found out about K.

This happened at the tail end of February of this year. We've only just finished going through my mother in law's stuff and getting rid of stuff and sorting out what's to be kept. I thought things were pretty bad but survivable. It was at this time that I looked into how I had been feeling and a psychologist diagnosed me with PTSD. She said that things with K had damaged me in a way, and after losing P right after that, I was feeling used up.

Part V

Then I got the call from my Dad saying that my Grandmother wasn't going to last much longer. I felt absolutely nothing. I wondered my way through the whole process without much going through my head other than frustration at how little a felt. I hadn't felt anything with my mother in law's death, more just upset about having to hurt the kids, but this time I felt bad about not feeling bad. It was an incredibly awkward time made worse by family drama.

The in fighting has yet to stop and will likely end with one of my aunts going to jail for fraud. I really don't know what more to say about it. There was something that felt complete though...when my grandfather died just after high school I was his Pall-bearer so it seemed some what logical that when his wife passed I did the same for her.


Part VI - Right Now

My friend R's health has had it's good and bad times through the last year or so. Her doctor was working hard to try and keep her healthy and fighting. However the last two months or so have pretty much been spent entirely in the hospital for her. A couple of weeks ago, right after my Grandmother died, she called me and said, "I don't think I can be your friend any more. Everyone around you keeps dying!" We both had a good laugh about that.

After that call she sorta fell off the map. I had problems getting her on the phone and I started to get more and more concerned. Finally I spoke with her either Wednesday or Thursday night...It's hard for me to remember which night because I've basically gotten as completely smashed as possible every night since. R told me that her doctor had told her that there was nothing more they could do for her.

We had a long cry on the phone together. We talked about a lot of things...About meeting in that X-Men game ages ago...some of the lame games we've done since lol as well as some of the better games. Talked about our mutual love for the characters we've been playing for years now in the Anita Blake setting. In fact, I told R that after she passed I just wasn't sure if I could keep writing these characters. She was the one who got me started, she's the one who kept it going all this time. Our characters are so completely intertwined in the past, present, and in the future considering all the plans we still have. I just couldn't imagine playing them without her.

In one of the more selfless acts I've ever seen from her, she insisted that I continue. "That's not fair to the others." she lectured me. R told me that she'd likely be going home soon, and when she got home, she wanted to write with me. I told her anything, absolutely anything she wanted to work on, I was up for. I laughed then, and laugh now retelling it, but she insisted that I pick. I look forward to writing with her again. I will make the absolute most of it.

Part VII

So here we are.

I spoke with R's mother yesterday who told me there's still some hope. Another doctor is coming in and thinks there's still some treatment options that could help her. Unfortunately I haven't talked to R in days because the drugs have her sleeping most of the day. But I wanted to get some of this written down some where. To share some thoughts and seek some catharsis with whoever the brave souls are that actually read everything I've typed here.

First and foremost I want to tell anyone who's made it this far to hold your friends precious, including the ones you make here. R has been such a big part of my life. She knows my kids all by name. My kids have made stuff for her. She's talked to my wife on several occasions. She even sent us geld this past Hanukkah lol She was talking about coming here to live and work with me. This is the the level of friendship that can be obtained from these places.

I've had some dark days these last few nights. In fact, last night was the first night I went to bed early and sober. Friday night I drank and smoked until I blacked out. I've sought the help of my friends, family, professionals and even a friend who's a Rabbi. It's hard to get through this stuff but I'm told that we're never given more than we can handle. I refuse to let this period of my life become my undoing. It will define me not by how I was crushed, but by how I survived it.

I plan on sharing more in time. Thanks for reading.

[bandit]

Breaking News

I wish I had something good to share but it seems my luck just wont change.

It seems that it's truly the end of the road for my friend R.

I sit here, thinking about the group game we were running together. I think of the stories we crafted together...all the good times. It's hard to imagine what it's going to be like, not calling her nearly every day to talk about this or that...spending an hour or more on the phone discussing history or characters and story ideas. She was so easy to bounce ideas off of and always had suggestions of her own.

She and I played a lot of Anita Blake based stuff. Really old vampires...

We were both history buff's and we both had a love of German history and culture. As a result we had a number of characters who's pasts intertwined. We would spend hours just talking about history and how we could incorporate when we loved into what we wrote.

I have to admit, right now I feel pretty hopeless. I tell myself that in time this wound will heal. I just can't begin to imagine how big the scars will be.

[bandit]

Feeling Hollow

Yesterday I spoke with R's mother....she told me that last Friday the doctors told her that R had a week to live. This meant that it was very likely going to be the last time I talked to R when I spoke with her on Sunday for a few minutes. R's mother said she would make sure I got to talk to R if I called after work. However, I wasn't able to and now I worry...worry that when I call R's mother a little later that I'm going to find out I missed my chance.

I'm starting to get that numb, hollow feeling and I worry that it means that my PTSD is going to kick in and my grief will be cut short.

I know it probably sounds insane, my being worried about losing grief, but R has been one of the best friends I've ever had and I feel she deserves it. The memory of all the times we've had together deserves a mourning period. Anything less feels a bit like I'm cheapening what we had. I feel like a good friend is miserable for a while after a friend passes.

[lanshan75]

Hello,everybody,I am just a new member of this forum,I want to make more friends here,I hope you can like me.

[bandit]

LMFAO

I just want to say that the last post in here made me laugh so hard I cried. The absurdity of my (typically) long posts pouring my heart about about my dead friends and my emotional turmoil, all so that the first post by some one else could be a solicitation from an unapproved member for friendship. It's just too funny...

Probably not the place you want to post a "hey, like me!"

Anyways, let me just say that the PM's I've gotten from so many of you means a lot to me. Not one of you has hit me with any of the lame standard fair for these situations. I appreciate your honesty and your totally genuine attempts to make me feel better. No bandage will ever be big enough to cover this wound, but in time it'll heal.

I also want to say just how lucky I feel to be writing with the exceptionally awesome people that I'm currently writing with. R was some one I wrote with constantly for over a decade and there are a lot of days right now that writing is just hard for me. Everyone has been so understanding that I want to mail them all hugs. I honestly think that part of what has gotten me through all of this has been the people I'm writing with. They've all been so supportive and so completely understanding, not one of them adding to the mountain of stress I have right now. Instead they've all given me a shoulder or an ear and given me the chance to escape into my writing when I can.

Thank you, all of you.

R still hasn't passed yet. I talked to her mother the other day and she said that R is mostly sleeping now. I don't doubt it'll be long, but I take comfort in knowing that R is comfortable and will likely go to sleep one of these days and fade from this world peacefully.

[bandit]

Got an email saying that Becky has minutes or hours, but nothing more...


It sucks sitting around waiting to find out that such a close personal friend has passed.

[bandit]

At 8:45 pm west coast time, April 29th...R left this world.

My heart is absolutely broken, and I'm a bit overwhelmed at the idea of how I'll proceed from here without her. Nearly every day for the last ten years I talked to her. Nearly every day for the last six it was by phone.

With each of these incredibly special people who leave my life I feel like another piece of me dies with them. Something goes with them that I'll never get back.

I'm so thankful for that last phone call I had with her. I thanked her for her friendship, told her I loved her, and we laughed about the past.

This world got a little less bright, a little less happy, and a little less fun last night.

[bandit]

So as things move on shit just doesn't get any easier lol

R and I had a game based on the Anita Blake books, all original characters, and an original setting. I believe I mentioned it earlier...

I told R on one of our last phone calls that I just didn't know if I could continue writing these characters after she passed. R pretty much scolded me and told me that wouldn't be fair to the other people we had written these characters with. She told me she wanted me to continue and I've been trying hard to get things back up and running.

It's hard for a variety of reasons. First of all, it's hard because she was such a huge part of the game and second, she was one of the best friends I've ever had and I miss her dearly. She and I wrote numerous characters and a lot of their back stories were interwoven. These characters have come and gone from a few different Anita Blake based games and in all cases she always hated to hear how her characters were unceremoniously written off or killed off. It's with that in mind that I find myself working hard to make sure that the characters I do write out are given good exits.

The problem I run into is with one character...one that refuses to be written off. The character's name is Olivia, a master vampire who is a former Prussian Queen. This character was so intricately woven into the back stories of several of my characters that it makes it almost impossible for me to continue without Olivia in the story.

I spoke with a mutual friend of Becky and I's who was a mod in the game and an essential part of the game as well. I told her that I would talk to the one and only person who came to mind as a possible replacement writer for the character. It was a request that I made of this friend with a heavy heart. It took me almost a week or so to muster up the courage to ask such a huge favor of her.

It's almost absurd...asking some one to take over a character that belonged to a dead friend...a character that had been developed over the course of five years. Unfortunately I just didn't know any other way to move forward. She was the only writer I could think of that I honestly believed could pull it off.

After a few days of discussing it, it looks like her answer is no. Something that I totally understand, and the fact that she considered it that much is as shocking to me as it is appreciated.

However, I find myself having to deal with not knowing how to make this all work again. I promised R that I would keep going but it's just proving to be a lot harder than I thought it would be. I worry that beyond writing back story, these characters might forever be shelved and my promise might be broken.

I keep wracking my brain, trying to think of a way to make things work.

R used to be so good for helping me with this kind of shit.

[bandit]

The funk persists.

I'll get really excited about posting for a few minutes at a time and then the joy of it is just sucked right back out.

It's hard for me to really figure out the cure. It's just hard to get back into something that reminds you so much of the person you lost. It's completely unfair to the people who've stuck by me through all this. Two writers in particular...pretty much the only two writers I'm still working with at this point...they've put up with so much and still give me their time. I couldn't begin to tell you why other than one has been writing with me for just as long as I'd been writing with R and the other is just an amazing person.

Stress at work hasn't made things much better. Some days are worse than others.

Tonight I plan on trying to hammer out some posts in the hopes that if I just keep with it, just force my way through this that the funk will pass. I honestly don't know what else to do.

[bandit]

*blows the dust off his blog*

So as some of you know, I've managed to mostly pull myself out of the funk I was in. It was so hard to get back to writing. After writing with R for so long, years and years, it was hard to write without slipping into that depression again. In a way, everything I write still stings in that wound. I choke it down out of a need to purge all that pent up creative energy but there are nights that it's still hard to post in anything, be it my more serious stories or even just some of the smuttier stuff that's just for fun.

I'm back here, posting again for a few reasons...

First, tonight I opened the message history on YIM and looked at the last few posts back and forth between R and I. It was from before her last trip to the hospital, the one that she'd never come home from.

R (3/19/2012 9:21:03 PM): can you see me now'
R (3/19/2012 9:26:17 PM): well, at a any rate might hage to go to the hospital ataijl thotht migjt waaa know
R (3/19/2012 10:40:20 PM): i doj't wanna go to the hospital t0k0rr0w; giuess i ightht have to

Those are the last messages I have from her. She was having real problems typing at the time, partially from the drugs they had her on and partially because she was having all sorts of other problems. Insomnia, difficulty breathing, etc...

It makes me so sad to read those ims though. To see how badly she had deteriorated.

I've spent the better portion of a half an hour trying to find something to share. Something older that showed her when she was healthier, more herself and I just can't. It's all too personal. Not because we were talking about anything important or embarrassing but just because it's mine. It's what I have left. I need to stop reading. I've turned into a mess for the first time in a long time.

Well, since last week when some sort of error on my phone dumped all my text messages including over three hundred of R's texts to me. I bawled like a baby for a little while after that. Then I took comfort in the fact that I was forced to give up what were nothing but texts from when she was at her worst.

[bandit]

Been gone for a little while now, again, for the same old reasons.

It all started one night when R's brother was on facebook. I talked to him about her. Turns out we both watch shows because they are the types of shows she either did watch or would have. I told him I stared watching the show Alphas because there's a guy on there that I know she would have thought was cute.

I haven't shed a tear for R in quite a while but that night I shed a few. It also completely fucked up my roleplaying schedule. There's nothing I hate more than when my partners tell me that their "muse" has left them but I have to say...I just had nothing...

I'm hoping to get back to it yet again. To anyone writing with me I'm sorry I'm sorta damaged goods but writing with R for over a decade...her being one of the best friends I've ever had...then losing her...It's made it hard and I understand if this isn't a process that you want to go through with me.

[Strangler]

This is one of those situations where words fail me :-(

I can't comprehend what you've been through, and are still going through. I dearly hope I never have to. I also can't possibly offer enough condolences to you for your departed friends. But I do want to thank you for sharing and honoring their memories. In a small way, by sharing you've helped them live on.

I wish you the very best xx

[bandit]

Strangler, thanks. I know I'm always so slow to respond to messages and posts on here but I hope you all understand that it's really hard for me to talk about this shit. Fuck, there are people damn close to me that I don't share this with.  It's just hard you know? In my family and amongst my friends, I'm the strong one. I'm the rock that others depend on and there isn't a shortage of people for me to turn to...but there is a shortage of people I would want to burden with this crap.

It's funny though, the things that drive me to post here. Be it a brief conversation with R's brother, reading over old im history, or...a stupid episode of Son's of Anarchy.

Sitting here this morning I catch an episode of Son's of Anarchy where Opie's wife is shot dead and suddenly a wave of things hit me. Something I don't believe I talked about here because it didn't hit me as hard as the loss of my friends was the death of my mother-in-law. She was a piece of shit but she tried really hard not to be, I just think that being a piece of shit just came so naturally to her that it was hard for her...She could just be so selfish and ridiculous...But my kids loved her despite the various bullshit she had pulled.

In the midst of dealing with all the other deaths, before R passed, my mother-in-law died from breast cancer. She was way too young to die from something like that and to be honest, the only reason it got that bad for her was that she refused to do the things that needed to be done to save herself until it was far too late.

There are a few things in my life that have been like a dagger to my very soul. Losing the friends K, P, R...all hurt me in ways that even years later I've not completely gotten over. The only other thing that really hit me that hard was looking into my oldest's eyes and telling them that one of their Grandmother had died. The look on their faces the immediate reactions, that will stay with me forever.

They handled the whole thing like little adults. They emotionally purged for fifteen maybe twenty minutes and then...they were strong for everyone else.

[bandit]

So...

It's been a year since I lost R. A year to the day.

What's changed? Well, first I think I'm doing a bit better. The waves of depression still hit me and I still find myself occasionally suffering from this sort of writing impotence. Some of my partners have been so amazing in putting up with my highs and my lows. I have no idea how to thank them for that. I'm just a writer with baggage and I think I will be for a while.

It's weird for me to think that I started this thread as a way to purge all the emotion I was feeling when I knew Becky was heading down a path that she'd likely not survive. I didn't want to believe that was true but it was just like there was never any good knews and I'd been through people battling cancer before.

Today all I can do is try not to morbidly focus on it. You know? Try not to get caught up in the loss and try to celebrate the life. It's not easy. Not after nearly a decade of always having her around. Nearly a decade of talking to her for hours nearly every day.

lol I think about how we both went through ups and downs in our cell phone usage talking to each other. Both of us chose our plans based around talking to each other. You guys have no idea how many times I got in trouble for running up my minutes (back when that was still a thing) way over plan and had to pay a phone bill that was gigantic all because of talking to R. Or how many times we'd get to talking and she'd yell at me because she didn't have any minutes and couldn't afford to talk. Though I remember yelling at her for the same thing. I remember her texting me incessantly before I had a texting plan and throwing a fit about it with her. lol All that stuff is obviously silly, especially in hindsight but man could we fight. haha

Anyways, I'm going to try and get through today without turning into a wreck.

If there's anything after this world...I hope she's in Valhalla making more noise than anyone else.

[bandit]

I've been getting back into writing a lot of the Anita Blake based stuff that I was writing with R before she died. It's been awhile since I've craved writing with her characters this much. When she first passed, I mentioned that I had spoken with one of my favorite writers from here at E that I thought would do a good job with one character in particular...She took a pass, but now I'm wondering if I couldn't find someone here who might be able to pick up there character.

I might be dreaming here but she was such a wonderful character that we had planned and plotted so many really cool ideas for that I'm convinced that I could eventually find a writer who not only was interested but who could also play the character well.

I've decided that perhaps I can do this without the same raw desperate emotion I had connected to it before. Perhaps now it can be more about keeping something fun going rather than trying to keep R alive through her characters.

[SweetSerenade]

First I want to say... that nothing I could possibly say could ever truly help you get over your loss. I can't say that 'I've been there', because I don't know the exact sort of pain you are feeling. The closest I have come to was when a friend of 11 years finally managed to kill herself. I really wanted to just let you know that though I can't possibly understand exactly what you are feeling... I have dealt with a lot of death and loss in my life... and I wanted to say that if you need someone - even though I'm a stranger - I'm here.

Also, Anita Blake... one of my favorite series... As well as Merrideth Gentry. Your friend R sounded like an amazing person, and I wish I could have known her. I wish you and yours the best on the path to healing.

[bandit]

Pretty drunk as I type this

nights like tonight are really hard. missing r pretty fucking bad tonight.

[SweetSerenade]

Pretty drunk as I type this

nights like tonight are really hard. missing r pretty fucking bad tonight.

Remember that she loved you, and that she would want you to remember the good and not mourn her passing. She's in a better place. I know you probably hear people lipservice this all the time, but I promise you... this isn't lipservice.

[bandit]

more drunk

i think the thing that really messes with me is the lack of closure in a way. i could have flown out to see her but there was something so awful so perverse about the idea of seeing her face to face for the first time days, hours minutes before she passed. i just couldnt do it.

that last phone call with her when i begged her to call me back

she told me it was the one phone call she was dreading because she didn't want to say goodbye

back to writing agin but it's hard. hard to get back to the same characters and push on when there were so many ideas out there, when so much of it she was a part of.

i'm drinking one of her favorite beers tonight. depression is a bitch

[SweetSerenade]

more drunk

i think the thing that really messes with me is the lack of closure in a way. i could have flown out to see her but there was something so awful so perverse about the idea of seeing her face to face for the first time days, hours minutes before she passed. i just couldnt do it.

that last phone call with her when i begged her to call me back

she told me it was the one phone call she was dreading because she didn't want to say goodbye

back to writing agin but it's hard. hard to get back to the same characters and push on when there were so many ideas out there, when so much of it she was a part of.

i'm drinking one of her favorite beers tonight. depression is a bitch

Remember her always, that is her true immortality.

I think she preferred you not coming out to see her in those last moments. I think she probably preferred you remembering her as the strong woman she was, and not what the illness did to her.

But this is just me being all hopeful and trying to be supportive.

[bandit]

*blows the dust off this thread*

Okay...so it's been a while, and I feel like that's a good thing. While all of these people that I've written about still are in my thoughts, I feel like my life is finally starting to move on. I can talk about R to people without getting choked up. My writing is really recovering...

I think that's the part I feel the worst about. Like a year and a half, almost two years, of being a terrible writing partner. I was just so all over the place. One minutes I'd be inspired and creatively bursting at the seams but then the next minute all I could think about was the loss of R and in that loss, the loss of a writing partner of over a decade. I have some very good friends who put up with me through this process. Some of you are reading this and you know who you are (and don't be so damned modest, of course you're included.) There have been a couple partners who have taken me back time and time again despite how flakey I was during this period that I just can't thank enough. One of them is a writing partner I've known just as long as R, and while she often drove me nuts during this period, I have to say that she wouldn't let me just walk away from writing either.

I don't know that this process is over by any means. I've managed to find an AMAZING writer to pick up one of R's old characters so that I could continue some of the stories we were working on. That's exciting and I've been sooooooooooo eager to get started. At the same time it has put R firmly in my thoughts quite a bit for the first time in a while. It's nice to be thinking about her in a creative light rather than mourning her. In a way I feel like getting this new writer for her characters has helped me stop mourning her and move on in a way.

I know some of you might be concerned that I'm trying to necro R by having someone writer her old characters and trust me I've thought about that quite a bit. I don't think that's really the motive here so much as my love for the stories we were working on. If it wouldn't violate the discretion I was asked to use in this blog I feel like I could support this argument a little better to some of you who aren't in the know.

K has been in my thoughts a lot lately as well. For various reasons he's come up in conversation with a number of people who didn't know him and I've found myself missing him again. Like with R, it's not so much mourning him though. There isn't that pain when I think about him. Not as much anyway. I think with all three of my friends I lost, the pain will never completely go away. People say that all the time but it takes time to really appreciate it, to intellectualize it.

[Oniya]

It's a little strange that I'm seeing your post today.  Just yesterday, I was remembering a dear friend of mine who had passed on about 15 years ago, and while there was a bit of a twinge at it, it was his passions and the way that he made all of us laugh that was highest on my mind.  By all means, continue writing your stories.  From what you've said about R, I think she would be flattered - and pleased at the enthusiasm that you have for these further adventures.

[bandit]

I think she would be really frustrated with me that it's taken me so long to get right and able to do it. I think I mentioned this earlier in the blog, but R and I during our very last phone call..I told her I just didn't know how I could continue to write those stories and characters and she begged me not to stop. She really loved those characters and stories every bit as much as I did and loved the other writers we were working with as much as I did.

I don't think she'd be put off by my finding a writer to fill in as the new writer for her characters. The fact that it's taken me nearly two years to find a writer I'd say probably shows that I took it seriously.

It does make my heart ache just a bit to think that I may finally get to write some of the scenes that R and I talked about doing. The scenes that she was really excited about and told me she was excited about. I really want these scenes to finally happen.

[ladia2287]

Bandit, I am so sorry to read that you have gone through all this.

It's always difficult when we lose someone we care about, but I think a slightly different kind of friendship forms with our Roleplaying partners/buddies/whatever we want to call them. I have a few myself with whom I have roleplayed for many years and whilst I've never actually met them or spoken to them I know I miss them when we can't interact as often as we would like to. There is one buddie who I have known for nearly five years, and I am quite worried about her at the moment because she seems to have vanished off the face of the Earth and it's very unlike her to be unreachable for as long as she has been. I know I would be very upset if I discovered that my concerns were founded, just as I would be incredibly relieved if I were to discover there was a perfectly innocent reason why no one from our group was able to get in touch with her.

I cannot profess to know what you are going through, but I promise you there are plenty of people on this site who would be more than happy to help you heal from the loss of your friends in any way they can. If I may, I would like to offer you a short poem which might offer a little comfort when the pain of your loss becomes overwhelming. It was originally in the memorial card when my Nonna died and is translated roughly from Italian, and it always comforts me whenever I miss her.

Do not mourn my absence,
for I have gone to be with God.
I will pray for you.
I will love you from Heaven
as I loved you on Earth

[bandit]

Bet you guys didn't realize I was a necromancer did you? It's through my dark powers that I bring this thread back from the dead to talk about loss and life one more time.

R has been in my thoughts off and on for the last couple of months. The reason being that in March, I nearly died.

Now that sounds dramatic and just typing it feels a bit dramatic but alas, it's the truth. I had a brain aneurysm and didn't know it. I laid around my house thinking I was having some sort of migraine from hell but instead it was bleeding into a pocket in my brain. To make matters worse I was eating excedrin as often as the label said I could. So I was only making matters worse for myself. Four days I was at home doing this before working two straight days still a mess.

I ended up seeking medical attention after that and that's when I found out that I was lucky to be alive.

I didn't think about much in the hospital as I was in too much pain or loaded up on powerful pain medications. But after I got home I thought a lot about R. How she died way too young and how I had nearly joined her.

It was weird and sad.

Her absence is felt any time I'm alone and left to just think. Her and K...sometimes P.

It's like scar tissue. The pain isn't there but there's a tightness, a lack of flexibility if that makes any sense. It's like that place where the sensation is slightly less.

I'll never get over losing them but holy shit I'm thankful to delay joining them in the great unknown.