What I want and why I don't think it's wrong to want it.

[grdell]

And here I am, single again.

For those of you that didn't know, fellow Elliquarian Ryven and I were in a relationship. For those of you that don't know yet, we are not any longer.

I hold no ill feelings toward Ryven at all. It was an amicable breakup, but all breakups suck no matter the reasons or the amicability. It just didn't work out as these things sometimes don't. So you just pick up the pieces, reassemble yourself as best you can, and move on.

Right? Well... sort of.

It seems that the expectations of others are more complicated. Quite a few friends, on hearing of my newly-single-again status immediately chime in with "You need a rebound - I know some people." Why, exactly? So I started to think about it. Your self-image, self-esteem, self-worth, what-have-you really take a beating in any breakup and you need to feel something other than fat, old and ugly. You need a confidence booster, and who better than a temporary FWB? Somebody to make you feel attractive and worthy again so that you can *be* attractive and worthy again - because as long as you're a morose emotional blackhole nobody will want you (except for those people even more badly broken than you and alarm bells should go off in the presence of those people anyway).

So, being as introspective as I am, I delved into the (admittedly frightening) psychology of my own mind to see what I felt about this and whether or not I needed such. What do I really want right now?

Well, I noticed a FB friend going to this one particular local strip club a lot lately. I've never been (truth to tell, I've never been to a strip club in my whole life), so I asked him about it. Turns out he goes there because he knows the owners and everybody who works there and he feels comfortable and not judged because he's among friends (and for those of you who don't know, gay culture is EXTREMELY judgmental so anywhere you can find that isn't is a welcome haven). I wasn't sure that watching unavailable naked men would help at all and said so. His response was that watching unavailable clothed men wouldn't help at all either, so it was really my choice whether or not I wanted the naked part. Touche, my friend. I'm still thinking about it, but I'll probably go at some point soon.

Tonight, I have the cast party for the last show I was in and I am definitely going to that, even though both J and M will be there. Because both J and M are so absolutely my type it's scary. Being in the dressing room with those two while they had their shirts off was sweet torture. Why do we do that anyway? Why do we stare at the eye candy we know we can never have? Both J and M are straight and both have girlfriends. Both are also gorgeous - tall, young, lean and fit. But I'm still going. I'll laugh with friends and stare some more at the beautiful men I can never have.

So it circles around to my real point. The reason I'm writing all this out in the first place. I listen to the advice of well-meaning friends and I know it is true and accurate and - most importantly - meant in the best possible spirit of caring. They love me and they don't want me to get hurt. I understand that. I really do. But sometimes I wish they'd give it a rest. Because sometimes, in spite of the truth of all they say, it makes me almost - almost! - understand what it must be like to be a pedophile or some other person who can't control desires that are not at all acceptable.

I want what I want. I like what I like. I can't help it any more than I can help the fact that I don't like brussels sprouts. So what do I like? I like pretty boys. Someone young* and slender and smooth and lean and fit and long and pretty. What do I want right now? I want someone pretty. I want a nice little twink. I admit it. And, frankly, I think I deserve it.

In the past ten years, I've only been in two serious relationships, the longest of which lasted just over a year-and-a-half. So yeah, I've spent a lot of time alone. But I'm 40 now. I'll be 41 in just a few months. I'm tired of being lonely. And well-meaning friends only get you so far.

What do I want? I want someone to cuddle with. To engage in intelligent conversation with. To have sex, sure, but that's really a secondary desire and as the years pile on it's getting more "secondary" all the time. To go shopping with. To hold hands with. To just "be" with.

So what, I ask, is so wrong in wanting that person to be a pretty little twink? Because people are CONSTANTLY telling me to stop caring about what someone looks like. Yes, I know looks are only temporary. Yes, I know looks are only skin-deep. Yes, I know that someone who looks good is not necessarily a good person. I understand all that. I really do. But what these well-meaning friends of mine don't seem to understand is that I know that looks aren't 100% of the deal. And, most importantly, I don't even want it to be. Yes, I want somebody pretty, but if they were cover model pretty and vapid I wouldn't want them for very long.

I think what my friends are trying to ward off is the disappointment of having my sights set too high. I admit that what I truly want is somebody who's both pretty and smart and that people who meet both criteria tend to be fairly rare. Add young to that mix and I acknowledge that I'm really asking for too much. I just can't expect to find someone who meets 100% of all of my criteria. I'd have better luck winning the lottery.

I KNOW. STOP REMINDING ME.

Those two serious relationships I was in... did either of them meet 100% of my criteria? Nope. I won't say anything bad about either of them. Both are great guys and had it worked out between us, I would happily still be with either of them. See? I can accept someone who isn't "perfect".

But you have to have hope, right? As long as you don't let that hope drive you to despair. Would I like to find that one "perfect" (I don't believe that perfect people exist, but I do believe perfect matches do) person to finish out my life with? Hell, yes. Do I realistically expect that I will? No. But I have to hope.

So, just in case you were wondering, am I writing all this up as a sort of online dating profile? No. I'm not asking anyone here to set me up. But I'll also say that if anyone here happens to know someone who fits the profile and would be interested in someone like me, well... Let's just say I wouldn't be averse to a meeting. ;)

* - Young, yes, but mature. I'm not interested in pre-pubescent. Even those still stuck in the awkward late teen years where you're technically physically mature but still spotty and made up of mostly knees aren't that interesting to me. I like them to have filled out and "finished" - but only just. ;)

Also, more to come on this topic later...

[Tschel23]

There's absolutely nothing wrong with knowing what you want and sticking to it. I'm always here to support you, G, or to whack you back to reality if you need it. In this case, I say give yourself time to heal, to reflect before you move on, but if you want a twink, go on out and get yo'self one!

[grdell]

So, as promised, the long anticipated part two of this post...

As unrealistic as it is (I think so, anyway), I would actually very much like to explore new and different avenues that are outrageously unlikely. I would love to meet someone in Europe who'd like to move to the U.S. to be with me; that would be awesome. I'd love to be in a relationship with a ballet dancer - I've always loved their grace and strength. I'd actually - believe it or not! - like to be in a relationship with a sex industry worker. Hey, they need love, too. My main roadblock in exploring these avenues is simply that I have absolutely no idea how to go about finding people like that.

These are just some of the things that I think would be neat, you know? Are they requirements for me? No, of course not.

I was chatting recently with a good friend who is very good at being brutally but tactfully honest with me. She always points out the flaws in my thinking and I always thank her for it. I think everybody needs friends like that in their lives. Anyway, she said that she thinks that I actually like looking more than having. She may be right. I tend to set my sights so high and my goals so specific as to make success prohibitively unlikely.

How likely am I to get lucky enough to find someone who meets all of my criteria? I would call those odds infinitesimally minuscule and therefore negligible. So, in the interest of being realistic, I think what I really need to do is just plain stop. Give up on trying to find someone. Everyone always says that's when you find someone anyway. Problem is that I understand the psychology of that phenomenon and in so doing understand why it won't work for me unless I make some pretty significant changes in my life first. But then that forms a bizarre little catch-22 that makes next to no sense no matter what angle I view it from, but has one bizarre side-effect: I think it will make me a better, happier, more well-rounded person in spite of myself. And who can find fault with that?

So I've made up my mind over the last few days. I'm going to focus on the positive and decide to be happy. I'm going to get out of the house and do more things (there is a local fencing academy that I've been seriously considering joining - I think the time has come) and surround myself with positive people and stop fretting so damn much.

Will that get me what I want? Does it even matter? In the end, won't it be a fun ride? And isn't that really all we can ask for in life?

I think I rambled a bit and got off topic but I also don't care. ;)

[Oniya]

Getting out of the house and doing things is an excellent idea.  Something I've been considering myself.  :-)