Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View

[Nowherewoman]

I feel helpless. My mother is fading, she doesn't seem to be wanting to live. That depresses me even more. How can I tell her she is loved and needed when she is lost in her memories of being with my dad.

Just tell her, and keep telling her.  When my mother was in her final illness (the end stage of which was mercifully abrupt and short), she hung on long enough for my partner to get home form an out of state job, and for our best friend in the world to get to us. Once we and my Dad had told her what she needed to hear, she just...let go. I gather this is not an uncommon experience.  Somewhere in there, she will hear your words, or at least their intent, ad they will make her life easier. And yours, because you will know, eventually, that you did everything you could for her

[Twisted Crow]

[Real name hidden, obviously]

"[Crow]? Please... I need a man with real game. And I mean a man."

"[Twisted Crow']s writing tries to be distinct, tries to focus on character growth and dynamic... however he fails to open his imagination. His style is a bit dated."

"It seems like [his] creativity has been jolted by something going on in his life."

All this criticism has hit me hard today. I don't feel like I'm a good writer based on little feedback from friends (or other critics on social snark media), and I don't feel like I'm an interesting person to write with at all. If I were a woman, a white knight would at some point appear and try to reassure, encourage and invite. If I were a normal guy... this would be less likely but I would be infinitely more approachable because I would be more resolute in knowing who or what I was.

Because I'm this genderfluid freak of nature... people fear what they don't understand. It hurts me more in ways from the silence, because I know what they are thinking. Its the same thing kids thought of me back in school. And in turn that pain of feeling like I will never be accepted, never be welcomed or never be invited to really anything... never be liked. it has dealt severe wounds to my confidence today. People will go for what's easy and talk to what they understand and avoid what they feel is strange because they don't know how to interact with it. I sometimes think it would just be better to lie to myself, to trick myself in believing I was normal. Lie to others and act like I'm this perfectly normal guy. Maybe that might make me more interesting and acceptable.

I just feel like crying in bed today and avoiding people who don't find me all that amazing to begin with.  :-\

[Oniya]

Those are very hurtful comments, and hardly constructive criticism.  These sound like the type of people that would watch a Jim Henson production and say 'A talking frog?  Gimme a break!'.

[Twisted Crow]

Another I was wary to mention was perhaps the deathblow of the day:

"Although he tries, [Twisted Crow] is not someone I'd recommend as an author. He has imagination, but lacks finesse."

Which, you know... further drives that nail in my coffin as a writer and adds to that feeling of being blacklisted everywhere.

[Remiel]

Crow, let me share with you one of my all-time favorite quotes:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

--Theodore Roosevelt

[Verasaille]

Hang in there Crow. I have not written with you, but then again I do not think we share the same tastes. But I do believe in one thing very strongly. You have to believe in yourself. You have to accept you for what you are and love what you are. Then it does not matter what anyone else says.

The man who has confidence in himself gains the confidence of others. Hasidic proverb

ANTHONY TROLLOPE

Never think that you’re not good enough yourself. A man should never think that. People will take you very much at your own reckoning.

[Nowherewoman]

Also, "Those who can, do. Those who can't, kibbitz."  It's facile to say 'let it go, they don't really know you'- I know it's not that easy. But, as a co-worker of mine used to say about another co-worker who always had something to run down or bitch about: "Consider the source."

[Twisted Crow]

Thank you all for the attempted nudge or push in the other direction. Today was very harsh for me. This is easier said than done. I typically write when everything is kicking on all cylinders. When I know that I am doing the best of my ability... it is hard to take when it is picked apart. Then the same "friends" look back and say... "Maybe you'd write better if you felt better."

To which I'm tempted to give a reply to the effect of "Well, when I find friends that wish to encourage and see my talent flourish... I'll be sure to point out what constructive criticism looks like."

The Roosevelt quote is rather moving. The problem I have with ego is that it is hard to control, it is a very short step from being proud of my accomplishment to letting it go to my head. So I tend to default to humility. Unfortunately, that also can easily become a desire to please others.

[yobo]

I've recently started going to therapy and taking medication to deal with depression. Since February it's been a rollercoaster, up and down, and there have been some really dark moments and days. Going to therapy have been proving to be difficult for me, I have a hard time opening up to the psychiatric nurse I'm talking too. I want to open up, I know that is why I'm there, but I'm used to keeping a buffer between my feelings and what I share to stay in control I suppose. So mostly she talks and I nod and make comments like "that's logical". And we both knows what's going on, and I know time won't change it, I need to pressure myself a bit. And that won't be easy.

This has probably been the most difficult post I've yet to make here on E. *closes eyes and clicks on post*

[Twisted Crow]

I'm just tired of this stupid dichotomy...

After an "argument" with a loved one on my problems

I've tried my best to gain confidence. I even demonstrate confident moments that...yield no results. I still apparently suck, I'm still sick from a genetic disfunction and weak immune system and I'm still not a prospect for any human being to interact with on this earth due to the fact that I'm this dual-spirited alien monster that isn't as much of a person compared to one that knows their "real gender".

[Rhedyn]

I've recently started going to therapy and taking medication to deal with depression. Since February it's been a rollercoaster, up and down, and there have been some really dark moments and days. Going to therapy have been proving to be difficult for me, I have a hard time opening up to the psychiatric nurse I'm talking too. I want to open up, I know that is why I'm there, but I'm used to keeping a buffer between my feelings and what I share to stay in control I suppose. So mostly she talks and I nod and make comments like "that's logical". And we both knows what's going on, and I know time won't change it, I need to pressure myself a bit. And that won't be easy.

This has probably been the most difficult post I've yet to make here on E. *closes eyes and clicks on post*

I'm proud of you for making it and taking those steps. It's difficult for you but you are doing it! I think that's pretty amazing. It took me years to get to a point that I felt like I could open up and at first that had to be through a faceless means because my social anxiety and fear of being judged in a face to face setting was so huge. I started with small things that didn't feel too terrible to share and as my trust in the people I spoke to returned it paved the way for me to open up about the bigger things.

I just wanted to say I think you are courageous for seeking help and I believe in you and your ability to do it ~offers hugs~

I'm just tired of this stupid dichotomy...

After an "argument" with a loved one on my problems

I've tried my best to gain confidence. I even demonstrate confident moments that...yield no results. I still apparently suck, I'm still sick from a genetic disfunction and weak immune system and I'm still not a prospect for any human being to interact with on this earth due to the fact that I'm this dual-spirited alien monster that isn't as much of a person compared to one that knows their "real gender".

I don't think you suck or that you're sick or that you're less than anyone else. You're a wonderful person TC with a good heart. You're uniquely you and that's a really special thing to be ~offers hugs~

[yobo]

I'm proud of you for making it and taking those steps. It's difficult for you but you are doing it! I think that's pretty amazing. It took me years to get to a point that I felt like I could open up and at first that had to be through a faceless means because my social anxiety and fear of being judged in a face to face setting was so huge. I started with small things that didn't feel too terrible to share and as my trust in the people I spoke to returned it paved the way for me to open up about the bigger things.

I just wanted to say I think you are courageous for seeking help and I believe in you and your ability to do it ~offers hugs~

Thanks, I really appreciate those words. *accepts the hug*

[Twisted Crow]

Cannot find any place for me to fit here.  :-\

[Remiel]

I've recently started going to therapy and taking medication to deal with depression. Since February it's been a rollercoaster, up and down, and there have been some really dark moments and days. Going to therapy have been proving to be difficult for me, I have a hard time opening up to the psychiatric nurse I'm talking too. I want to open up, I know that is why I'm there, but I'm used to keeping a buffer between my feelings and what I share to stay in control I suppose. So mostly she talks and I nod and make comments like "that's logical". And we both knows what's going on, and I know time won't change it, I need to pressure myself a bit. And that won't be easy.

This has probably been the most difficult post I've yet to make here on E. *closes eyes and clicks on post*

Yobo, I'm sorry that you've been feeling the rollercoaster of depression--it's a feeling I know only too well.  It's good that you are going to therapy and taking medication.  I know it might not feel like it's making a difference now, but just give it time.  Even a small step in the right direction is better than no step at all.    Even if you just move forward a couple of inches--do that again and again and again, and before you know it you will have moved a mile.

I'm just tired of this stupid dichotomy...

After an "argument" with a loved one on my problems

I've tried my best to gain confidence. I even demonstrate confident moments that...yield no results. I still apparently suck, I'm still sick from a genetic disfunction and weak immune system and I'm still not a prospect for any human being to interact with on this earth due to the fact that I'm this dual-spirited alien monster that isn't as much of a person compared to one that knows their "real gender".

Twisted Crow, I don't know what it's like to suffer from gender dysphoria, but I do know what it's like to go through your life without any self-confidence.  It's a real Catch-22; people are attracted to confident people, but how are you supposed to be confident in yourself if no one else gives you any reason to?  I wish I had an easy answer for you, but I don't.  The only advice I have to offer is that you're not alone, there are other people in your situation, going through the same sorts of things you're going through.  Find them.  Make connections.  Once you realize that you're not alone, life will not seem quite so impossible. 

Cannot find any place for me to fit here.  :-\

Have you tried the GBLTQA Corner?  We have many Lieges on E who are friendly, helpful, and willing to talk.  Try to reach out to some of them, and see if you don't feel quite so isolated.  :) 

If you're having difficulty finding a writing partner, I've found this advice by Saffron to be very useful.

[PleaseBeGentle]

Having a "life is pain and nothing more" day and night.

[Twisted Crow]

Yobo, I'm sorry that you've been feeling the rollercoaster of depression--it's a feeling I know only too well.  It's good that you are going to therapy and taking medication.  I know it might not feel like it's making a difference now, but just give it time.  Even a small step in the right direction is better than no step at all.    Even if you just move forward a couple of inches--do that again and again and again, and before you know it you will have moved a mile.

Twisted Crow, I don't know what it's like to suffer from gender dysphoria, but I do know what it's like to go through your life without any self-confidence.  It's a real Catch-22; people are attracted to confident people, but how are you supposed to be confident in yourself if no one else gives you any reason to?  I wish I had an easy answer for you, but I don't.  The only advice I have to offer is that you're not alone, there are other people in your situation, going through the same sorts of things you're going through.  Find them.  Make connections.  Once you realize that you're not alone, life will not seem quite so impossible. 

Have you tried the GBLTQA Corner?  We have many Lieges on E who are friendly, helpful, and willing to talk.  Try to reach out to some of them, and see if you don't feel quite so isolated.  :) 

If you're having difficulty finding a writing partner, I've found this advice by Saffron to be very useful.

I think this has been working for me so far. So far, so good. Thank you, Remiel. ;)

[marauder13]

Well, I have frequently lurked here, and occasionally had a few things to say from time to time. There is one thing that I truly admire about the folks who post here - the courage they have to open up about something that is frequently misunderstood, or that people are plain ignorant of. This, coupled with the generous support of others, makes this one of the few non game threads that I have bookmarked and read whenever something new is posted.

Lately, things have been getting more challenging for me to deal with on all fronts, and I have been slowly worn down by it all. I even managed to delude myself quite a bit as to how bad I was until recently the facade shattered. Well, on July 9, I am going into a mental health care hospital for a few weeks to help me get my mind sorted out, and to come back in a better mindset. I admit to be annoyed with myself over my inability to handle life's challenges better than I am right now, but I do have the means of doing something about it.

So, I shall finish off my ramble by thanking everyone who has posted in this blog for the courage you have to take that first step, and to everyone who has offered their support, empathy and reassurance. Most of all, a big thank you to Rhedyn for starting this thread, and giving people a venue to air their thoughts and feelings.

I'll pop back here again when I am released and let you know how things went.


M13

[Oniya]

Best of luck to you, M13.  We'll leave the light on for ya.  :-)

[Nowherewoman]

Be well, Marauder. As they say, the first step to getting better is admitting you have a problem.

[Remiel]

I think you're taking a step in the right direction, M13.  There's no shame in asking for help if you have a problem you cannot solve on your own.

Please let us know how it goes.

[marauder13]

Best of luck to you, M13.  We'll leave the light on for ya.  :-)

Thank you, Oniya. It's good to know that there will never be complete darkness for me. Not that I think there will be. :)

Be well, Marauder. As they say, the first step to getting better is admitting you have a problem.

Thank you. I've had this problem for a while, the depression that is, but yeah, this specific one, knowing it is there makes it easier to deal with. a little time analysing the problem, then a bit longer dealing with it.

I think you're taking a step in the right direction, M13.  There's no shame in asking for help if you have a problem you cannot solve on your own.

Please let us know how it goes.

Thank you, Remiel. I'm not ashamed for asking for the help, and this is not the first time I have taken this kind of trip. I know it will help, which is why I am doing it.

Yes, I shall let people know how things have gone when I get out.

[The Lioness]

I've wandered on this thread a little bit, catching glimpses but afraid to say the wrong thing. I've had some really dark times. I've been suicidal a few times too, but it took a long time for me to accept help once it finally got so bad, my husband found me from cutting. I was on medication for years, and have since then been able to wean myself off and in conjecture with therapy, I'm doing a lot better. I've learned many coping skills, but there are still some that take practice.

Spoiler: Click to Show/Hide

Well, I have frequently lurked here, and occasionally had a few things to say from time to time. There is one thing that I truly admire about the folks who post here - the courage they have to open up about something that is frequently misunderstood, or that people are plain ignorant of. This, coupled with the generous support of others, makes this one of the few non game threads that I have bookmarked and read whenever something new is posted.

Lately, things have been getting more challenging for me to deal with on all fronts, and I have been slowly worn down by it all. I even managed to delude myself quite a bit as to how bad I was until recently the facade shattered. Well, on July 9, I am going into a mental health care hospital for a few weeks to help me get my mind sorted out, and to come back in a better mindset. I admit to be annoyed with myself over my inability to handle life's challenges better than I am right now, but I do have the means of doing something about it.

So, I shall finish off my ramble by thanking everyone who has posted in this blog for the courage you have to take that first step, and to everyone who has offered their support, empathy and reassurance. Most of all, a big thank you to Rhedyn for starting this thread, and giving people a venue to air their thoughts and feelings.

I'll pop back here again when I am released and let you know how things went.


M13

M13-

I want you to know that, if I may speak for others here, we support and care for you greatly. It takes a lot of courage to seek the help you need in order to feel better and get yourself in a better mindset. I believe I'll miss your smile the most. I pray you don't forget me in your absence...but please, get better soon. My inbox is always open to you have you ever need to talk...

[Rhedyn]

Well, on July 9, I am going into a mental health care hospital for a few weeks to help me get my mind sorted out, and to come back in a better mindset. I admit to be annoyed with myself over my inability to handle life's challenges better than I am right now, but I do have the means of doing something about it.

I really wish you all the best with this. I know that in saying it you won't feel any less annoyed with yourself but I think you're doing something that's incredibly courageous and that hopefully you can be proud of in the future rather than annoyed about. As Remiel said, there is no shame in seeking out and accepting help when you need it, whatever form that may take.

So, I shall finish off my ramble by thanking everyone who has posted in this blog for the courage you have to take that first step, and to everyone who has offered their support, empathy and reassurance. Most of all, a big thank you to Rhedyn for starting this thread, and giving people a venue to air their thoughts and feelings.

You're more than welcome, this thread has brought me so much comfort and support since I started it thanks to everyone who has added their thoughts, feelings and presence to it, yourself included.

I've wandered on this thread a little bit, catching glimpses but afraid to say the wrong thing. I've had some really dark times. I've been suicidal a few times too, but it took a long time for me to accept help once it finally got so bad, my husband found me from cutting. I was on medication for years, and have since then been able to wean myself off and in conjecture with therapy, I'm doing a lot better. I've learned many coping skills, but there are still some that take practice.

You're very welcome here, The Lioness. I think many of us can empathise with you and I'm really happy to hear that you are doing so much better. Thank you for sharing and showing your support, it's really appreciated.

~leaves hugs and good thoughts for any who want them as I have plenty to go round today~

[marauder13]

Dispatches from the foxhole.

Well, so far so good. While I have been in hospital, I hve managed to reestablish a few good habits, and start at least one new good habit. The time apart from the general stresses of life has not only improed my mood, it has given me a chance to review how to deal with things before they effect me, as well with after.

I am missing the general levell of interaction I normally have on Ell - the keyboard I have for my iPad is a fickle one, and I have to slow down my typing rate to make sure that what I aam typing is legible. But the occasional post and PM I can deal with.

Again, to everyone who has left kinds words and thoughts for me, thank you. Everyone of them has brought a smile to my face, and left me feeling good for a long time after.


Cheers,

M13

[Verasaille]

Great news, Marauder!! I applaud your efforts and wish you much happiness!