Insecurity and Trust

[crystaltears]

First, if you don't like walls of text you probably won't like most of my blogs. *Chuckles*

So, I was very torn on which topic out of two I would write as my first blog here on Elliquiy. The other topic was 'The Atmosphere of Elliquiy' something I will likely re-visit at a later time. I decided to begin with insecurity and trust for a number of reasons, but one of them is if I get this out there those who actually decide to read my blogs will see why the atmosphere here on Elliquiy is important enough for me to want to blog on it.

There are many people out there who will be able to relate to the rather lengthy blog entry I'm going to be making in a moment. I request only that if you read my blogs you read them with an open mind. ^^

Insecurity has many forms. I suffer from most of them.

Applying at Elliquiy was a big deal for me; applying anywhere is a big deal for me. I get these little butterflies in my stomach as I write out answers to applications. Thoughts run through my mind, 'What if they don't like me?', 'What if they're mean?'. People have told me in real life before that being nervous about just those things is 'silly'. I greatly resent that. We all have different strengths and weaknesses and levels of confidence. I do not think it silly to be insecure or afraid of rejection.

How many times in the four and a half days worth of time that I have been actively on online here at E since joining have I started to post something, but closed the window instead? I can't count the numbers. It can be anything from a simple addition to a forum game such as the four-letter word game to as complex as a response to some post looking for opinions about something in their life.

There's just this overhanging nervousness that prevents me from sharing everything I think. It goes beyond the thought-to-mouth filter that keeps a person from saying things they will regret as generally it's not things I would be likely to regret, but what if...?

Still, I've been able to overcome a lot of that here because people are so supportive here, and I know there are others out there that have the same sorts of issues (part of why I'm writing this). People whose fingers freeze when their mouses pass over the 'Post' button. And for good reason. In other times and places, and especially in real life I have experienced things people just shouldn't. Most of us have at some point been the butt of a joke or the target of a rumor. It's a horrible feeling. The feeling that people are whispering about you as you pass them in the hallways at school, or that when your 'friends' are laughing it's not to laugh with you, but at you instead. The yearning for social acceptance drives people so hard. I know it has driven me before, and I still struggle to break from it.

In my application I was asked what character I have played who I would most like to be and why by Dawg. The characters I listed were a very close choice. While I did elaborate there on how one had such conviction and I envied it so deeply I didn't elaborate to the fullest extent. People who can do what they do and not fear the reactions of others, those people are my heroes. In a small way so are people who do what they do despite fearing the reactions of others. And I am thankful to say I'm learning to overcome my insecurities.

There was a time not long ago that if I was late to class (and sometimes, admittedly, this is till th case) I would not enter the classroom. I don't remember how many chapters of my psychology book I read on the bench outside of the classroom door while my teacher taught the students inside because I had run late. Thank God that was a psychology class and the teacher understood the anxiety and insecurities I felt.

Therapy had my counselors telling me I should have gone in anyway. This I knew, the question was always 'How?' How do you walk into a room when merely putting your hand on the doorknob nearly gives you a panic attack? How do you ignore the students who do turn their heads to follow your progress across the room just as you feared they would? I couldn't do it. There was a mental barrier. My hand rested on the cold metal handle to the classroom door and I peaked in from the glass in the frame without being seen, a ghost in the hallway of a school full of people who didn't have any issue entering a classroom seven minutes later than the start of class.

Time has shown some progress, though moving into a smaller school, a Technical School, has been a huge help. The teachers know me by name and I'm not one student in a multitiude of faces they see come and go every quarter.

Last week was a big deal. In a combined class that had more than the meager four other students of my regular courses we were asked to group with our respective majors for a project. The project was to design and market 'Your Brand' paperclips. We did this, we came up with 'Frogs Paperclips'. Leave it to Software Applications and Programming majors to go the route of the zaney. Funny thing was, of everyone in the room I was the least quiet so I was asked to do the actual presentation. Through the entire hour prior to our presentation I felt my hands run cold and sweat and clam up.

Even during it the signs of nerves were there. My voice rattled, my hands shook, my throat went dry... And... I sang for them. Not full-out singing, not karaoke or anything, but a little marketing scheme for Frogs Paperclips that used the music from the 'Slinky' song to our own rhyme.

God, what a time. I was so afraid, the paper was moving, and I even screwed up at the end, but by then everyone was laughing and clapping to hard to hear my weak, timid voice or the mistake in the words. It had a real impact on me.

I suppose what I learned was that every once in a while it is okay to trust your peers, no matter how ridiculous you feel. (My hands shake even now as I recall doing that two weeks ago.)

And with that... Trust.

Trust is a very delicate subject. Trust is required in life. Required. No one I know can say they honestly trust nothing.

You trust your lover not to hurt you. You trust your friends to support your decisions. You trust your family to love you. You trust strangers not to attack you for the money you use to pay them when buying a soda in a gas station. You trust drivers not to hit you. You trust the sun to rise, the rain to fall, the tides of sea to keep changing... I could go on and on but what this boils down to is: there is trust in all life.

That said, the amount of trust and faith you put in things varies for obvious reasons. For someone with the anxiety issues I have, the amount of trust I put into most given situations effects me in a greater way than most people. That is to say, a few well-phrased words in the wrong way can hurt me very deeply, sometimes even from a stranger. Sensitivity, a blessing and a curse on so many levels but a topic for another day.

The writings I have posted here for people to see are little pieces of my soul I've bled onto paper (well, into text boxes) to put on display. I trust the people in this community to be respectful and not to say 'That poem sucked,' or 'Your style of role play makes me sick' and it's very important that I can. This blog is even more a sign of a trust because I'm not hiding behind pretty prose or poetry, nor am I in the guise of a character. I am giving you a facet of me to take and read and consider and leave behind as you will.

The foundations of trust begin from the very first meeting. Some people jump to conclusions just from appearances. My family, though they will not admit it, is racist. It rather bothers me. My mother often says things like 'Be careful, those Mexicans are looking at you.' The sad part is I'm not even joking. She sees them and based on 1) gender and 2) race she starts worrying. (Shame on her, and my father too).

Now.. you can't blame someone for worrying about their youngest daughter, but reason is very important. In the world we live in you should be able to trust a person not to do anything wrong in plain daylight. It's sad that this is not always the case, and its said that 'in plain daylight' is a small thought to the statement. Most people will do more by cover of night than in the day. For this reason if I notice a car has been following me from a certain distance away from my destination I am one to keep driving and see if it follows.

...

Onto another portion of trust (containing much about trust in relation to abuse), and one that I really think should be emphasized, is the importance of not violating it. Whether you are being trusted to be polite or being trusted in far more important aspects of someone's life, you should respect that. Many people have suffered abuse (including myself, though I won't go into that here, if you're also a person who has suffered abuse you may PM me and we can talk). Getting past that is so hard... so very hard. There are days that normal people even suffer anxiety from the idea of being in a relationship. We give these days many names; one of the most popular is 'Cold Feet' in regards to the metaphorical tying of the knot. Just imagine, if you do not know the feeling already, trying to be friends with someone with a foundation of betrayal in your past.

They might turn on you, they might tell stories behind your back, they might even abuse you. Can you be their friend? Especially if it's someone who is clearly stronger or smarter or more popular than you are, can you trust them not to do those things? It's so hard, so very hard, believe me. There are days the world is a dark horrible place and all you want for company are the blankets, pillows, and sheets of your bed.

No one can live like that forever. This is why trust is so precious. You may think you know a person from talking to them, but everyone has secrets. Some have darker secrets than others. If someone extends their trust to you, treasure that most wonderful gift, nurture it, return it. It is the only reaction to take.

Going back to how hard it can be though, escalate what I've talked about. If the trust has been well-founded and the friend has not turned on you but the lingering doubts of the past remain in your mind how do you move to the next step? How do you open yourself to someone you think you know but fear you might not and say 'I would like to be in a relationship with you.'?

A lot of that has to do with you. Trust is powerful and should not be poorly placed. Caution is your friend. Still, not giving others a chance leads to a lonely and difficult existence. To move on from anxieties and to become stronger you must try, but... Choose your battles wisely.

Battles, yes, battles. To put faith into someone who is as capable of you as changing is a battle. Some people do this with great ease, some with great effort. I, personally, am on the great effort end of the spectrum. In real life I have all of three really close friends outside of family (and I'm not very close to family when it comes to friendship). One of those three is my Master (taboo word to some of you, but fact is fact and the title serves a purpose because it demonstrates an act of trust).



And... damn, I had more to say (not that I needed to add much more to this wall of text)... So before my insecurities get the best of me and I back out of this I'll conclude it by saying:

Those who suffer insecurities and are afraid to trust, find good friends or find places you can step forward and do it without being so exposed you'll be overwhelmed.

Those of you who do not suffer from the above, cherish the trust and faith that others put in you. It is a very valuable and sometimes very taxing gift.




Anyone who reads the whole thing (*Applauds*), I welcome any thoughts, feedback, or introspection of your own you wish to add. ^^

[Grim]

*Puts on montaint climbing gear as i ascend the wall of text*  But in all seriousness, good for you for getting all that off your chest.  I too spend a good few minutes looking through what i said before i post.  Afterwords i read through it, and oftenbshudder.  But if you keep pushing through those fears you'll find that the scary parts of life really aren't that scary.

[Greenthorn]

Now see...I knew there was a reason that I liked you so much!

*hugs*

Thank you for sharing that with us.  I wish I had something more substantial to say, but the eloquent written word always escapes me!

[Dingo]

It seems I'm getting real competition, but I liked reading this.

I was actually playing around with using both topics as part of my blog in the future somewhere. But you beat me to it.

Good luck and I hope you write a lot more.

[Dawg]

Insecurity and Courage


"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."
Ambrose Redmoon

"Courage is simply the willingness to be afraid and act anyway."
Dr. Robert Anthony

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'"
Mary Anne Radmacher


I put those quotes up there so that others will know what I mean when I applaud Crystaltears for having the courage to post this wall of wisdom for others to read.

BRAVO!!

As many of you know by now if I feel strong enough about a subject I usually step forward and say something. Your example of entering the classroom late and walking to the assigned seat while certain eyes turn to you passing silent judgment upon you, that happens in all walks of life and to varying degrees many different levels.

The fear you had would be there for you, but also for me.  How it is handled is different depending on the individual, but I have to tell you that no matter how it is handled by anyone, that is the right way ~ For Them ~ period, end of story.  As individuals we need to realize that truth.  If you feel more secure sitting outside in the hall so as not to disturb the rest of the class or jump in and walk to your seat regardless of others feelings on your actions, that is your choice.

You use that as an example of insecurity, perhaps it is but that is your make up and that is part of you, the first part of changing that is deciding you want to change that part of you and are willing to sacrifice certain aspects of yourself to replace them with something else. 

Later in your blog you mention about trust, and how the fact of accepting the trust of others can be a heavy burden, this is also a very true fact of life.  When someone puts their trust in you, whether to be a friend to sit down at lunch with so your not alone and knowing they will not judge you because you butter your bread this way or that, or to be the one who belays the repelling rope while you do a 120' hellhole repel off a rope bridge over a rocky canyon halfway around the world from your trusted friends and family, trust can be a heavy load.

Sometimes when you extend trust to others it is not returned in kind, that is fine and that is also their problem to bear, not yours.  Things like what others think of you when you walk into the room late are telling factors and can be stressful, but at the same time you garner a certain insight if you can trust them further on other matters in the future.

You would not go to those same people who stare at you as you pass or who turn to their neighbor and whisper something unheard to you as you pass to get their opinion on the presentation you are giving to the class.  But you would go to the other people that maybe gave you a soft smile and gentle head nod as you came in, a simple gesture saying they are glad to see you even if you are late and interrupting their time with the professor, that they understand an forgive you.

But if you didn't have the courage to overcome that insecurity and enter the classroom you wouldn't know which person to trust and which not to trust.  Who you could look to to help you carry that world of insecurity and lighten the load.  That is where the heavy burden of accepting trust comes from.  When someone trust you with something, anything, they are asking you to help them carry part of their load.

I liked you entry very much Crystaltears, very well written, Thank You.

[Caeli]

Wonderfully written and very eloquent. I think that it is sometimes a good thing, to remind others who don't suffer from problems such as these, that not everyone is 'like them', and that we all have our own fears, anxieties, and issues.

-applauds- I hope to see more blog posts from you. :-)

[crystaltears]

*Blushes* Thank you all for the warm and thoughtful responses. *Hugs to those who want them*


More directly to a couple people:

-snip-

I was actually playing around with using both topics as part of my blog in the future somewhere. But you beat me to it.

-snip-

There's no law saying you can't write a blog on the same thing I did. ^^ I wouldn't be offended, or upset, in fact I'd probably modify that one and put a link to yours as a 'related' entry from another member and I would likely enjoy the read.

-snip-

I put those quotes up there so that others will know what I mean when I applaud Crystaltears for having the courage to post this wall of wisdom for others to read.

-snip-

But if you didn't have the courage to overcome that insecurity and enter the classroom you wouldn't know which person to trust and which not to trust.  Who you could look to to help you carry that world of insecurity and lighten the load.  That is where the heavy burden of accepting trust comes from.  When someone trust you with something, anything, they are asking you to help them carry part of their load.

-snip-

To the first, thank you very much. To the second, that is where it comes from, and it goes both ways. The pressure is on both parties, taxing for the first to extend, taxing for the second to accept it and treat it well. To the whole thing, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I very much enjoyed reading them.

-snip-

I think that it is sometimes a good thing, to remind others who don't suffer from problems such as these, that not everyone is 'like them', and that we all have our own fears, anxieties, and issues.

-snip-

I didn't honestly think of it that way when I wrote it, but it's very true too. Writing it was a response to my insecurities and to... Well.. To those of certain individuals who have shared themselves with me and with us in their posts or PMs who I thought might benefit from it, even if just knowing their burdens are shared with others.



Again, thanks very much. I really do appreciate the feedback and the thoughts that have been shared. I really don't mind, and this will go for any blog I write, if someone else ends up doing the same topic or expanding upon my own. I like reading the thoughts of others and the more related they are to topics close to my heart the more I will likely enjoy them.

[Taymynx]

So, Crys, here is an example of having someone who just met you and already adores you but has tested your trust. When you gave this to me, I knew you were baring some feelings that you were hesitant to bear and though I was busy talking to you about other stuff and didn't get it read right then, I bookmarked it and came back for pieces. I have finally reread the entire post. Meanwhile it has been several days since you stuck your neck out and offered to share this with me. And it is as good as I thought it was. But is about your insecurities in talking about your feelings aloud, and I am sure my delay has created some tension in you.

Crystal, you are the kind of person I want in my life. The ones I want to trust because I know they understand what it means. If there is ever a time I am metaphorically "sitting in a classroom that you are afraid to enter" and you know I am there, I invite you to walk in and come straight to me. I'll sit tall with you and stare down anyone who dares to criticize.  :)  In other words, I would be honored if you would let me "have your back".

I was painfully shy as a child. I would not even raise a hand in class if I absolutely KNEW I KNEW the answer because I was afraid something was going to get twisted between my brain and my mouth (lack of oxygen from panic) and everyone would think I was stupid. So, I was that kid hidden in the middle somewhere trying not to be noticed. Somewhere, life twisted and I realized I was going to have to be more assertive to protect myself and have greater control, so I started working on it. In baby steps...really painful ones.

When I took a required speech class in college, I was in terror. To have to stand in front of the class and speak for 5 minutes on some subject!?!?!?!  OMG... I had to do 4, and for each one, I had to read 7 full books on the subject so that I was sure they wouldn't ask me a question at the end that I didn't know the answer to. My speech class was the fourth in my schedule. I spent the first three periods on days I was to speak in the bathroom throwing up.  Sigh.  People are more afraid of speaking out loud than of death. Somehow I survived and got an A...not sure I understand how that happened...or what happened afterwards..

As my career unfolded, I found myself doing a ton of corporate and university training classes. Then I found myself in community leadership where speaking was required. Then I ended up as Master of Ceremonies for the Teacher's Award banquet our chamber put on each year. My job as chairperson...but there were 500 people in the audience....and, OMG, I didn't break a sweat!..... but gawd, some of those people looked hideous naked!  ~grins~

It is easy to think that you are the only one that feels this strongly or panics this badly and that others....particularly those out doing it all the time, will never understand and have never had the problem. That is soooo untrue. Sometimes it is nice to know that there are people in the audience/class that you could trust because they are like you and I, they have been there, they do know how you feel.

And to quote a piece that I could really relate to in particular:

This blog is even more a sign of a trust because I'm not hiding behind pretty prose or poetry, nor am I in the guise of a character. I am giving you a facet of me to take and read and consider and leave behind as you will. 

Kk, you have revealed yourself and I love what I see. :)

Tay