When is it time to say you're too old and your clock has run out of time?

[Krysia]

This is a question I've asked myself for years now. When are you to old for children? I'm 31 years old now and I've had a problem for the last 10 years of not being able to get pregnant again. When I was 21 Johnathan impregnated me but I couldn't carry it, I was too small the doctor's said. I lost the child at 4 months into the pregnancy. With this came complications. As if I didn't need anymore of them in my life.

The complications became worse and worse. I wouldn't have my period for months on end and then I would have it for months on end. I'd end up in the hospital embarrassed with a bleeding problem. I'd be sluggish and couldn't hold a job because I slept so much. I was on iron pills, I was on this pill, that pill, THE pill.

I was placed on birth control to regulate the problem, it worked, for a time. My prescription insurance ran out and that was the end of that help. I couldn't afford to pay 50 dollars a month for the medicine. So I had to stop taking the pills. The problem was fixed for the time and I was regular again. I picked up the idea of trying for children again then. Nothing, nothing at all, I was frustrated.

So now I had new questions and concerns, what does a person who doesn't have the money like Angelina Jolie for fertility drugs and appointments? There is nothing really. My doctor tells me if I can't afford to go to a fertility doctor then I wouldn't be able to afford to take care of a child. I'm also told I'm too small to carry a child and the same thing that happened when I was 21 would happen again.

But, here comes the fun part of this twisted tale. I'm diabetic, it happened when I was losing so much blood that I became anemic. The iron pills I was taking was telling my pancreas not to work. Thus I'm type 2 diabetic now. Fix one problem and bring forth another. Not to mention it's hereditary in my family. My father is type 2.  My sister claims she got my father's height, well I claim I got his diabetes.

Being too small to carry a child? How am I to fix this. I was told to gain weight, but yet I can't have the carbohydrates needed to gain said weight. I get fussed at by my doctor because of the diabetes. I could eat more calories, but then my cholesterol goes up. It's all really frustrating to figure out how I can have a family and still keep the problem I have in check.

At the same time I found out I was diabetic, the old problem came up with the menstrual cycle being out of whack. I had to get married in order to have medical insurance to cover everything. Now everything is hunky dory around here, per say, and I wanted to try again with having children, but am I to old? Will I be told again I can't? With a wife perpetually not being able to be off of birth control what are Johnathan's feelings? Has he given up the idea of ever having a family? Should I just quit trying and come to terms that I'll never be a mother? Did I miss my window of opportunity already? Has my clock run out of time?

[Doktor Sleepless]

Sweety, I don't think you're too old. I think you should go for it, if you're medically able to... if not; you might consider other chances, like using a surrogate womb for your eggs and Johnatan's sperm... or even adopting.

As for the age, you're over 10 years younger than my mother was when she had me, and I turned out alright. And if fertility treatments are as outrageously expensive as they are here, then not being able to afford those doesn't mean you can't support a child.

I've known you only a short time, but I think you're a sweet woman who loves her husband, and would love her child as much. Go for it.

[Lilias]

As someone who had her first child at 36 and still wants more... find another doctor. Seriously. What does it mean you're too small? Women of all shapes and sizes have been bearing children since the world began. And putting the cost of fertility treatment on a par with the cost of bringing up a child is nothing less than disgusting. Is he a partner in a fertility clinic or something? Children have been brought up even in abject poverty for centuries and turned out alright.

That said, your other health problems may make it unfeasible for you to conceive naturally, and the bureaucracy surrounding adoption is horrifying. But nothing is ever over until you hit the menopause. A friend of mine, younger than myself, was pronounced sterile and denied adoption rights for being 'too old'. She fell pregnant with twins shortly afterwards, without any medical help. If you feel comfortable with the idea of surrogacy, go for it. Otherwise, just let go and let nature do what it does best.

[Greenthorn]

Considering that teens have children...and so do dwarves (midgets) ummm "too small" is BS.

[Oniya]

Being too small to carry a child? How am I to fix this. I was told to gain weight, but yet I can't have the carbohydrates needed to gain said weight. I get fussed at by my doctor because of the diabetes. I could eat more calories, but then my cholesterol goes up. It's all really frustrating to figure out how I can have a family and still keep the problem I have in check.

On 'being too small':  I am not a big person.  I avoid the scale like the plague because I don't want to know how small I am.  Not only did I carry a child to term, I also delivered naturally with no painkillers, and breastfed.  Now, I am not diabetic, and I know that diabetes can result in larger-than-average babies, but I doubt that you're 'too small' to carry an average-sized child.  Get a second opinion.

[stimulationii]

Why not adopt?

there are many children who are amazing and they need the love of a family. So it's always an option and you wouldn't have to worry about your health or getting pregnant. I know getting pregnant is important for a woman but we all have to deal with the cards we are dealt.

[Doktor Sleepless]

As I said on another thread; adopting is nice and all; but when you love your SO, you want to have a kid that's from you and your SO... it was like that with me. If I had more money, I'd have at least another kid and adopt one.... but alas.

[PhilipXVIII18]

            Dont think that you are too old. I think your problem is your health.


<Link snipped - Hairy>

[Captain Maltese]

Not too old. My second wife was 30 when I married her, and in the next three years she gave me two healthy daughters with easy births. And too small is a meaningless term. A too small pelvis could be a problem - but that's what caesarans are for. I agree, that doctor of yours seem a bit strange. Get a second opinion somewhere. I'd say off hand that your clock has at least five more years left of ticking.

[Doktor Sleepless]

My mom had me at 43. :P

[Paradox]

Biologically speaking, the risk of birth defects (especially down syndrome) doesn't become prominent until after age 40, so you're definitely not "too old". Hell, you aren't even old in the first place.

As for being too small, they told my mother the same thing. She's only 5 feet tall and insanely petite. They told her that having a child would kill her, yet here I stand..well, sit...as a living testament to the contrary. She survived the birth just fine, though they had to take me out with a C-section. Just work with your physician, keep trying, and most importantly-- keep your chin up! Hormones have a lot to do with successfully conceiving and carrying a child, so minimize all that worrying and stress as much as you can so as to promote the production of positive hormones and none of the stress toxins.

[Lithos]

My mom was over 40 when she got my little sisters, and she is petite as well... barely reaches me to chest. As everyone here is saying, speak with another doctor, and see how nature takes care of things if you get green light. Getting children seems to be such that you succeed the better the less you worry about it :p

[Rhapsody]

My mother was 17, and a petitie 5'4" tall (with an equally petite weight) when I was born.  I was 10lbs 7oz, born with two teeth and a full head of hair (so they tell me).  Mom had to have over a hundred stitches, but other than that, she survived the birth just fine, and went on to have another child seven years later. 

This:

My doctor tells me if I can't afford to go to a fertility doctor then I wouldn't be able to afford to take care of a child. I'm also told I'm too small to carry a child and the same thing that happened when I was 21 would happen again.

is a load of horseshit, and tells me that you need to find yourself a new doctor, one who's going to actually care about the family you want to start.  "if you can't afford to go to a fertility doctor..." my ass.  I certainly can't afford the outrageous fees a fertility specialist would charge for the exams and procedures, and I take care of not one but TWO children -- at least one of which is mildly autistic, possibly both of them -- just frakkin' fine. 

If small women couldn't carry children, there wouldn't be six billion people in the world.  That's my view on it.   I'd highly recommend you look for a doctor who'll actually look for what might be causing your cycle irregularities, your current inability to get pregnant, and anything that might cause your body to reject a fetus... without resorting to "go to a fertility doctor, because I can't be bothered".  Sure, there are things that only a fertility specialist can tell you... but a gynecologist or a GP should be able to give you some idea before you're forced to spend thousands of dollars on a fertility specialist.

As for your age... you're never too old to have children until you hit menopause.  While the risk of complications does go up with women in their 40s carrying, they don't necessarily preclude the possibiulity of those women having children.  My youngest brother-in-law is 8... and my husband, Mom-in-law's eldest child, will be 33 this year.

[darkvamplips]

Just thought I would let you know it's never to late to have kids. I think I remember hearing of a girl over 50 having kids. My mom had me when she was 32 years of age. So don't give up hope. As for Jonathan and his feelings you should talk to him about this we do not know the answer to that question. Never give up sweety.

[Jag]

You're never too old to have children till you hit menopause. My mother had me at 15, my first brother at 18, my second brother at 21, and my sister at 36.

If you can't afford a fertility clinic, oh well. You can still have a baby. My mom didn't carry my sister. Her and my step dad couldn't afford a fertility clinic either. So they found someone very close to them to have the baby for them. The moment my sister was born, she was handed over to my mom as if my mom had been the one to give birth to her. The genetic mother gave up her rights there in the hospital and my mom signed all the custody papers that moment.

If you feel you can't bare a child or become pregnant naturally, there are plenty of other options. Just keep trying and get a second opinion.

[Torch]

I think I remember hearing of a girl over 50 having kids.

I'd hardly call someone eligible for membership in AARP "a girl".

[Captain Maltese]

I dunno, guys. We are at the point where medicine can make a 60-year old woman pregnant. It has happened. And she's dead, leaving a 6-year old behind if I recall correctly. Allow me to question if we shouldn't accept that at some point it just isn't right to become parents. At 41 I am pretty sure I'm physically able to become a dad again yet if I should meet THE woman... but do I really want to be a 60 year old with a teen kid?

[Oniya]

I think that's a very personal decision that a man or woman needs to make, taking into account family history and the support structure that they have for the 'just in case' scenarios.  It's not something that can be quantified into a hard, bright line.

[Pumpkin Seeds]

Thirty-one is by no means too old to have a child.  The most conservative estimates I’ve heard regarding birth defects in children is when a woman is over the age of thirty-five.  Even then the percentages are fairly low.  Many women are having children at that age because they spend those other years with their careers or building their lives.  A lot of activities that were once the realm of twenty-some things have now been pushed to the early thirties.  Honestly, age wise, you are perfectly fine to conceive and carry a child to term.

As for your weight, I’m not your doctor.  I do think you should get another opinion.  A doctor telling someone that if they cannot afford fertility treatments then they shouldn’t have a child is very suspicious.  Honestly that gives me the impression that he’d just assume you not have them and so is giving you a biased opinion.  See if you can either meet with a specialist or get another opinion.  Also, see a nutrition specialist regarding weight gain.  I’m sure there’s something you can do even with diabetes to help facilitate a healthy pregnancy.