Letting Off Some Steam

[Azura VonStriker]

First off, please excuse any errors that may occur, I am using a touch screen cell phone and it can be a bit...touchy.

This is about Submission and Domination, though it will be pg13. Also this applies to how I feel and see it, and is NOT a criticism on others' view.

Why is it when I tell a man that I am Submissive, he feels the need to be domineering, insulting and superior to me? I am not a "pet" or a "slave" and you are not my "master" or my daddy. I do not hold much by titles. I am not some petulant little girl who is going to "misbehave" to be punished or whatever. I am a woman who prefers a strong, dominate male. I guess you can call him an "Alpha Male" if you must. I want to be loved and cherished as a woman should be.

I believe if men hadn't abdicated or abused their responsibilities as the Head of Household, the women like me would not feel the need to step up into those shoes. Women do not need to be beat or subdued out of punishment. I fell if that is something they BOTH enjoy, then by all means do it. Also, when you make that.commitment to be someones Dom, it does not mean she.is something you only set aside for playtime when you want. It is not a free chance to cheat. It is a very special and intimate relationship that must be upheld with the same care and respect as any other relationship, if not more. That woman is giving her all to you, giving you control over her life and care in all aspects.

Now, this also does not mean that you cant have romance in this relationship. For myself, I enjoy the build to the "main event". Just because I am Submissive does not mean I can not be courted or romanced. I am a hopeleas romantic. I want that build. I want that time to build my trust in you. That's a big part in this relationship. It takes trust in your Dom that he will not harm you or destroy you when you are giving yourself to him.

I read.this line in a book of mine: "It takes a strong woman to submit herself.fully into the care of her man."

[Oniya]

That's most likely because you've met Dom-wannabes, typically rather popular in the online realm where they don't have to actually deal with actual people (although, I did live for a time with one of these creatures, and he was the same way with his real life girlfriends - who invariably left him rather quickly).  I have many friends in the off-line BDSM community, and without exception, the ones that are genuine about it know that submission is a gift from the sub to the Dom.  The ones that act as you describe tend to be referred to by a different name in the off-line community, a name also used as a slang term for 'donkeys'.

[Lithos]

It seems to me that you have met people whose expectations are very different from yours, that itself is something that cannot be helped happening as people have very differing expectations about both vanilla and D/s relationships. Also due to related fiction and such, many also have very unrealistic expectations (often this sort of person is called wannabe cause they want to be something that 1. they are not and 2. no one could be). Now, if somebody does not stop trying to make something happening even after telling them that you do not see things in the same way then there is a problem. Asshattery knows no gender nor medium limits but it can be even more prevalent online.

It does not feel to me to be gender specific issue; male subs and female dominants share similar difficulties, so mainly this kind of problems arise due to vastly different or unrealistic expectations of the relationship roles meeting. If you have some patience to wait, there are some much better and more frequented subforums for this sort of discussion available after your full membership. BDSM and D/s communities are big though, and submissive who has different role expectations than you is not automatically wrong and neither is such dominant.

Trying to change any person to something they are not or make them do things in a way they do not wish to do is never right. Perhaps that has been what you have run in to and such people are always best ignored.

- Lithos

[Azura VonStriker]

"Donkeys" sounds rather apropos in accordance to those I have met. It gets really frustrating to the point where you feel you have to bury your needs or desires just so you are not treated like disrespected garbage. Which is something I have had to do of late. I am hoping, if I can get approved, I can at last be who I yearn to be.

And that is true...everyone has different views on such a relationship. I only wish they would give me the time to tell them what my views are and seeing if we are compatable in that way. But the majority that I have met, run right over that. Of course...maybe I am too picky.

[Lithos]

Ignoring getting to know the other person is not a workable way in any sort of relationship, vanilla or otherwise. That is the one thing that anyone can and should always expect. It is not being picky, it is being realistic.

[Oniya]

Of course...maybe I am too picky.

No.  No, you're not.  Not in this respect.

[Azura VonStriker]

I am glad to hear it.

And like the saying goes, "Ultimate power corrupts." It also applies to these kinds of relationships, I feel. Because you ARE giving that person every facet of yourself, and some just take it to a place that is harmful while you are at your most vulnerable. Trust needs to be built and there is no gift more special than giving yourself freely over to another.

[Beguile's Mistress]

True D/s relationships are built on mutual need, giving and trust.  Unless both understand that and live that it becomes something else.  A dominant who is looking for someone to serve them must also be willing to serve and a submissive who is looking to be taken care of must also be willing to take care of the other person.  What is often overlooked is the fact that there is equality of responsibility and privilege in a D/s relationship.  Also, each relationship is different because people are all different.

[gaggedLouise]

Mmm, I'm with Oniya - seen these people online who think saying "I'm a Dom" should make every submissive around admit they have to fall to their knees before the guy (it's almost invariably males that act this way). In the severe cases, if there's RP or light-hearted teasing going on in the forum, they don't know how to discern between your character in a thread, or your game posting, and real invites to be dominated - as soon as you're posting next to them they might read every one of your posts as if it were a message to them.

[DarklingAlice]

I do think that a lot of that attitude comes from inexperience coupled with skewed expectations of kink (based most likely on its rather poor portrayal in the pop culture lens). Though some people are just irresponsible brats. It's one of the reasons it's nice to have a kink community where A: people get an idea of others' attitudes and experience before jumping in, and B: you have friends who know both parties and can watch your back.

For the record I don't think that this one is all on the men. I think that maybe a lot of the more inexperienced, blundering kind of bad doms may be young men; but I have known irresponsible serial assholes on both sides of the binary.