Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View

[Sofia Grace]

I feel like I don't really have any control over my life.  I have no interest in living in the state I'm currently in (not only due to it being impossibly expensive but because I hate North East weather and the school systems where I am).  But, I feel like I can't just pick up and move like most people can.  My boyfriend is all for us moving to a different state and there are branches of his company in some of the states we're interested in (North Carolina, Florida, etc.) - but the thing is, his mom has a few medical issues and is about 20 years older than my mom.  I'm expecting his mom's health will start deteriorating within the next few years and I'd be frustrated if we were to move out of state, buy a house and then be expected to move back here to help care for her when she gets older.  That sounds bad - I love her so much and of course I'd want to help when it comes time to do so.  But between that and knowing my mom would be crushed if I moved (though she says as long as I have a spare bedroom wherever I go, she doesn't care)... I feel trapped here.

I hate that I feel as though I have no real say in where I raise my kids.  I don't want to raise them here because I hate the school systems - but I also don't want to have kids here, have them start school here and then move away and take them away from all of their friends, etc.  I know I'm thinking way too far ahead but I can't help it.  All I've wanted to do for as long as I can remember is get OUT of my home state and I feel like the furthest I'd be able to go without feeling guilty in one way or another is within a few hours' drive. 

[Rhedyn]

~swings by with the offer of huge hugs for CrownedSun, Raveled, Xandi, Remiel, Vera and Sofia as well as anyone else who needs one right now whether you are vocal about it or not~

I want to say that I value each and every one of you and your place and presence not just here on Elliquiy but in the world. I have been struggling with loneliness lately and as a result pulling away from people and making it worse which I know I need to fight so I don't disappear entirely; more than a few days and my flight response really kicks in  >.>

[Remiel]

Thank you, Rhedyn.

[Raveled]

I don't know her w I can change how my life is right now. I could go back to school and get a better degree than what I have and get a promotion. That would be more money,but it would also be more responsibility that I don't want and it would be student loans that I REALLY don't want.

I'm trying to find someone to talk to professionally,but my insurance only covers four therapists in my part of the state. Two are child/adolescent therapists and the other two are booked for a year.

I'm sitting with my family and I feel like a liar. Everyone is so happy and I can smile and coast, but I can't tell anyone about what I'm really going through.

I feel.like a heel even talking like this. There are so.many people that don't have any insurance or any chance at college or family to support them, and I have all that stuff and I'm falling apart.

[Karasu]

I would just like to say.. That if anyone would like to talk to an open ear.. I'm always around to listen. I can even try to give advice if I have any that helps the situation.. Otherwise.. If you just need to talk to someone.. my ear's open.. I've been told I'm a good listener, and I don't judge.

I can be reached through PMs, Email, skype, & Discord roughly 20/7 ^^

[Autumn52]

I can relate to so much of what is being said here. Loneliness is something that I fight each day. I feel like I am invisible and I try to be invisible. Trying to fight the urge to just disappear completely. Not suicidal or anything like that but just trying to no be a bother, an unwanted guest in the house that I live. I have supportive family members and a wonderful fiance that I could not go on without. He is far away at the moment and each day seems harder than the last. My pain is out of control. I had a fuss with my doctor so now I need to find a new one. When I speak up things seem to go haywire and it makes things more difficult. I keep telling myself that if I can just hold on until my fiance gets his visa to come here and we get married things will be better, and they will. With all of that being said, it doesn't help me right now.

He is a wonderful man and he loves me and I feel totally blessed. How can I feel so out of control and invisible with so much to be thankful for?

I want to offer hugs galore to all of you who are suffering this way. Just know that someone else can relate to how you feel.

Congratulations to Rhedyn on having the blog of the month. It is truly deserving, it gives us a place where we can feel understood and safe to express ourselves. I know that is how I feel. Thank you.

*hugs for everyone that wants them*

[Bruja]

*leaves hugs for all that want them*

Depression is an every day battle for me. Regardless of how upbeat or strong I seem, I assure you that there is whole other side of darkness that lingers on the periphery of my eye. Every. Day. If you must know the truth, I have never felt that I belonged here, or anywhere. That no matter how hard I tried, I was never good enough, smart enough, nice enough. And it becomes a program in your head..that is on repeat. And you can never seem to get away from it.

My mom died two years ago, within less than a year of her death I lost several friendships because my depression and I can't get that back. Not ever. I have accepted that truth. The only thing we can do is move forward and sometimes that is taking it one second at a time. But I assure you, we can do it. My life isn't perfect. I am constantly in doubt. But I am also constantly striving to push myself more than ever to face the big D head on. I am willing to fight it to the very end.

*hugs everyone ever more* if you ever just need a hug...let me know.

Thank you Rheyden.for making this possible.

[Oreo]

*leaves hugs if they are wanted* You belong Rapt! You belong. <3 All the warriors belong here. We keep fighting no matter what.

[Giantmutantcrab]

I have been taking antidepression medication for a little over a year now.

It helps even out the wild mood swings, the super-agressive peaks and the self-destructive lows.

I also have a job that I actually enjoy and feel competent in, rather then the soul-crushing, minimum-wage, repetitive menial labor jobs I've done for far too long in my life.

Remembering to live is essential. Remembering to enjoy oneself. Having fun, even if for brief periods of time.

Everyone deserves happiness.

I will state that again, in case it was not quite clear enough.

Everyone deserves happiness.

Everyone deserves happiness.

That inclues you.

Yes, you.

[Autumn52]

Thank you Giantmutantcrab. Sometimes I just need to hear that. I needed it today, again thank you. *hugs if that is okay*

[Rhedyn]

~leaves a bundle of hugs for everyone~

You are all such amazing, strong people who deserve love and happiness, whether you feel it or not. Remember that and remember that no matter how hard it seems at times it will get better. I have been so blessed to connect with so many people that have similar struggles to my own through this blog and I am constantly in awe of the strength and power you all have. Thank you all for connecting, sharing and being you <3

[agentlemanwithadream]

This is an amazing thread.

Thank you all.

[blue bunny sparkle]

So...

I thought it was gone, like long, long gone. I thought I had worked through and analyzed all the stuff. I grew and grew and grew from life's lessons, even when I didn't want to. I worked the shit out, forwards and backwards and sideways. I changed my job, I changed my life. I changed fucking everything. Progress. I made the great progress. But I didn't really. Because somehow I forgot that it doesn't go away. That it will never go completely away. Somehow I forgot that it's like a worm that eats at my soul, from the inside out, hidden from view. All these years it was hiding and biding its time. But now it's back.

Everything's fine I say out there. Everything's fine I say in here. Life's great. A little busy, a little whatever. It's all a lie.

[Remiel]

*Hugs blue bunny tightly*

[CrownedSun]

I've been feeling like that lately..

...like, most of the time, I have it under control. Everything is okay. I can manage. Indeed, when I really have to step up, I'm mostly okay! When Irma hit and we had to evacuate, I was fine until we got home, but once the source of the stress was removed... all I wanted to do was sleep. I'm still not down to a normal amount of sleep per night. If I just got 7-8 hours, I feel exhausted, like my body needs more than that. Very little motivation to do anything either. Which, I know, is a normal consequence of stress but still-- it's hard for me,- I know that if I just "wait for it to go away" then it won't. It'll get worse.

So I've been kicking myself in the butt, trying to force myself to keep ahead of this, to do the things that I need to do.

Still sleeping too much, still finding writing is like pulling teeth,-- well not WRITING, but making myself write, like once I actually start writing it's fine but actually starting the process is difficult. Like there's a voice inside my head whispering, "You can't write right now. Maybe later." Over and over and over again. Never leaving me alone. Even after I've finished, my brain is like, "...that sucks.. You don't wanna post that do you? You're supposed to be good at this. This is shit."

::)

It's not full blown right now. I'm still mostly fine. Just... have to be careful.. can't let it all get to me.

[Aislinn]

Depression is a battle. It has no set time-frame. In my mind, I've always related it to something like alcoholism. You can think you've got it licked and then something happens and the battle begins anew with a different set of rules.

There are days that it literally is a minute by minute confrontation....and then maybe things feel okay for a long period of time. You just never know. That is the part about depression that always fascinates me. How it can change, adapt and utterly surprise you. You can never let down your guard with it because it feels like it's always lurking right there around the corner.

[Autumn52]

This thread has helped me on days that I just can't function. My body, and mind, have taken a lot of abuse over the years and now it is a constant battle to just do the normal everyday activities. I totally agree with what everyone has said, it is a day by day, and sometimes minute by minute, battle. What never ceases to amaze me is that when I think everything is going as good as it can then out of nowhere I will bump into someone and it will trigger a depressive episode.


You are all some of the strongest people I have ever come across and I just want to tell you how much being part of this community has helped me. Thank you all for being so candid and sharing your stories and struggles.


*hugs for all that want them*

[vysethethird]

I almost wonder if there is a difference between my frustration and the feeling of depression. Granted, I don't think I have a right to be complaining at times and sometimes feel the ranting is sometimes petty, but even I find it hard to sometimes deal with life's somewhat unpredictableness. Sometimes waiting is a pain in the ass, sometimes being told to 'suck it up' is a trigger, and honestly, life feels like a strife that is a never-ending battle that has me on pins and needles without any cover. I suppose having a good memory also can give me a trigger. I almost struggle trying not to wish ill on certain people and it's hard not to when it feels like the world is giving you so much crap. Still, like I say, "Life is not lollipops and gumdrops..." and sometimes it can give you good. Just wish I had some sort of hope to at least get me to cheer up when I feel down in the dumps.

[Autumn52]

I almost wonder if there is a difference between my frustration and the feeling of depression. Granted, I don't think I have a right to be complaining at times and sometimes feel the ranting is sometimes petty, but even I find it hard to sometimes deal with life's somewhat unpredictableness. Sometimes waiting is a pain in the ass, sometimes being told to 'suck it up' is a trigger, and honestly, life feels like a strife that is a never-ending battle that has me on pins and needles without any cover. I suppose having a good memory also can give me a trigger. I almost struggle trying not to wish ill on certain people and it's hard not to when it feels like the world is giving you so much crap. Still, like I say, "Life is not lollipops and gumdrops..." and sometimes it can give you good. Just wish I had some sort of hope to at least get me to cheer up when I feel down in the dumps.

It is hard I agree. I am sorry that you are having a rough time of it and I hope it does get better.


Sometimes life just keeps dumping shit on you, one thing after another. Lately it seems that my life has been having a field day with the shit pile on my doorstep. It is hard to not get super depressed. This last week I had a huge trigger to my feeling like 'nothing', unworthy, unlovable, useless piece of crap, a burden to everyone I love, you know? It was a hard struggle to stay out of the dark thoughts. I have someone in my life now that helps me so much. He always seems to know how to love me in such a way to soothe those fears and thoughts. But even that doesn't keep the bad thoughts from creeping in, especially when I am all alone and feeling like shit physically. I just wish I could switch it off and keep it off. Sometimes I wonder if I will every be able to totally overcome this?


*leaves hugs for any and all that want or need them*

[Rhedyn]

~just drops by with hugs and support for everyone going through a rough time right now~

[Caedy]

The next few days are going to be rough for me as I go through the grieving process.  Not for the loss of anything more than the "promise" of what could have been.  I hadn't realized I wanted this as much as I had until the results came back negative.  My emotions are all over the place, but I am doing what I can to not slide into that depression pit any further than I already am.

I have an awesome support system and know that I will come out of this okay...I just have to get to that point.

[The Dark Raven]

The next few days are going to be rough for me as I go through the grieving process.  Not for the loss of anything more than the "promise" of what could have been.  I hadn't realized I wanted this as much as I had until the results came back negative.  My emotions are all over the place, but I am doing what I can to not slide into that depression pit any further than I already am.

I have an awesome support system and know that I will come out of this okay...I just have to get to that point.

You can do this, sweetie.

[Remiel]

The next few days are going to be rough for me as I go through the grieving process.  Not for the loss of anything more than the "promise" of what could have been.  I hadn't realized I wanted this as much as I had until the results came back negative.  My emotions are all over the place, but I am doing what I can to not slide into that depression pit any further than I already am.

I have an awesome support system and know that I will come out of this okay...I just have to get to that point.

*Hugs tight*   Obviously, allowing yourself to grieve is important.  Your mind needs a brief period of sorrow in order to properly move on.

However, try not to let yourself get caught in the despair trap for too long.   Try not to dwell on the "what could have been" and just do the best you can with "what is".

[Peripherie]

You know when people ask if you are okay and you have to fight to smile and say something pleasant and utterly false? Someone close to me asked that recently and I told him the truth. The wounded, bloody, awful, deep dark truth.

It didn't go well.

He keeps asking, thinking somehow I will give him a better answer. I stopped answering.

[Rhedyn]

~hugs Peri~

It's always hard when you open up to someone and they don't get it. People often don't want to hear the truth when they ask and get something other than an 'easy' answer. Hang in there, lovely.