Still not over PTSD (Apparently)

[persephone325]

So... Things have been going well for me lately. My mom has been out of the house, and now she's in rehab again. (Don't know how that will turn out...) My dad is in a relationship with a woman and they've known each other for 40+ years. She loves my brother and me, and her daughter thinks of us as family already. They're going to get married eventually, and we'll be moving into her house.

I've been spending weekends up there with my dad and brother so her daughter can get used to us all. She's only 11, and her father passed away a few months ago. (Heavy drinking... Go figure.) My dad and this woman have always loved each other, but circumstances have always prevented them from being together.

Everything seems to be looking up.

Those of you who have read my other blogs know of all the troubles I've had to deal with. Depression, abuse from my mother, suicide/self-harm, and PTSD from my car accident. So you know how hard it's been for me to even leave the house.

I had some difficulties at first, but come to think of her house as my home. We'll be living there eventually, so I'm pretty used to it by now. I would get a little anxious and nervous when I was there. But eventually, the feeling would pass and I would feel better. I took this as a sign that I was getting better.

Last night (December 2nd), my dad took my brother and I to get our cellphones upgraded. Cool, no problem. So we went there, and I was fine. Pretty hungry, but fine. We were waiting for quite a while, and I was fine just looking around. There were a few other people there, and one guy in particular made me a bit nervous the way he seemed to be following me around.

Then, out of nowhere, it hit me. My heart was pounding, I got dizzy, I was shaking... I was having a panic attack. I left to get some air before anyone really noticed. I leaned against the pillar with my hand on my chest, just trying to calm my breathing. I was crying and hyperventilating.

People were passing my by, giving me strange looks, and some were even chuckling. Yeah... That really helped me calm down... >.< Thankfully, there was a policewoman right outside the store, and she asked me if I was alright or if I needed an ambulance. To be honest? After she asked, I did feel a little better. It just made me feel good to know that someone was worried about my well-being.

I really don't know what set this attack into motion. Maybe it was a combination of the crowd (as small as it was), my hunger, and my nervousness about the guy who seemed to be following me around... Just when I thought I was getting better, I get this sudden attack and it sets me back. Now, I'm nervous to go out of the house again...

[Rogue]

Hey Seph, Just want to offer hugs and words of encouragement. I hope that it doesn't set you back too much and you continue to become more comfortable venturing into the outside world. ~Rogue

[ladia2287]

By the sounds of things, you're still doing well. Sometimes you heal in big leaps, and sometimes it's in baby steps. Just try to take it one day at a time Persephone. If you have any doubts, just look back, see how you were immediately after the accident and you'll begin to notice just how far you've come:)

[The Dark Raven]

It is a process.  *hugs*  We will always be here for you to vent or hide or whatever you need to do.

[Oniya]

PTSD is a sneaky little bastard.  If your family is being supportive of you, it might be worth coming up with a signal to give them when things do start heading towards 'panic levels'.  Sometimes, just knowing that you have a safe word makes it easier to deal with otherwise stressful situations.

[Remiel]

Also, I'm learning how very little control we have over panic attacks.  It's like someone inside our brain presses the "flight" switch for no reason, and then we have to get the hell out of there.

[persephone325]

Thank you all for your encouragement. I've actually been doing better again. ^^

I'm looking into getting back into school. Though I don't see it happening in the immediate future. But it will definitely happen at some point. :-)