Is Elliquy Cheating?

[Sultrynets]

I guess it depends on the boundaries each couple has, but there's a huge difference between writing erotica and actually doing the things you're writing about.

I agree wholeheartedly. Writing a character in a roleplay is a lot different than actually being with someone outside of the relationship. For me E is all about writing a story and letting out my creative side.

[Bristol515]

I've heard this argument before, and I still don't see how roleplaying can be considered cheating. However, I do think every couple needs to set the boundaries and parameters of their relationship and be honest about their roleplay activities. On the flipside, we've all been to other roleplay sites that are nothing but a meat market where "roleplayers" are just looking to find someone willing to engage in what amounts to sexting while they pleasure themselves. EWW. Now, if you decide to stick around and continue playing after you've discovered your "writing partner's" less-than-honorable intentions, then, in my humble opinion, you've put a toe over the line as far cheating goes.

[Dreaming Space]

Well, there are degrees of cheating, too.

[Damned Eternally]

My husband has known about E and my previously IM roleplaying. He has been happy that I have a creative outlet for the fantasies that he isn't quite confident enough to join me with.
It has certainly helped our marriage as it has allowed further conversation into what he would like to try.

Each to their own, what works for one couple, will not work for another. I truly believe that trust and honesty, play a massive part in what you are doing.

[Nico]

I agree wholeheartedly. Writing a character in a roleplay is a lot different than actually being with someone outside of the relationship. For me E is all about writing a story and letting out my creative side.

I couldn't agree more with this sentiment. For me, writing here is fun, it is creative. Nothing better than creating an awesome story with someone else. But it is never more.

[Naughty Miss Adventure]

For my part, my husband knows I'm on an adult roleplaying site, typing the sexy with others; consenting parties all around.  In a traditional sense, I'm 'cheating' (in a sexy thrills out of wedlock sense), but my man doesn't mind (heck he even gives me tips when I ask), and no harm is done.

Some people can be very possessive, and so engaging another on Elliquiy (or similar site) would be perceived as being unfaithful despite you not actually getting in bed with someone else, since it bruises their ego.  Another partner may not mind at all, as long as you don't take things seriously or to a physical level with another.

I think at the end of the day, cheating is an old fashioned construct, outdated even, that paints things in a restrictive black and white vision - personally, I think that at its core, the concept of cheating is something used to justify the very ugly traits of possessiveness and narrow-mindedness.  Nowadays, however, we know everything isn't so clear-cut.

I think what's important to keep in mind is what your partner is comfortable with permitting in a relationship, and whether you are willing to respect that when answering this thread's question.  Did you get involved with someone you know would mind, but you go about it in secret, reasoning what they don't know what hurt?  Legally, its not cheating, since you're not getting physical, or entering into another relationship. But, morally, maybe it is, since you're deceiving the expectations of a person you willingly entered into a relationship with.

Well, those are my personal thoughts on the matter anyway.

[Janus]

Another vote for "depends on the couple."

As others have already put forth, cheating is about deceit. I mean, it's in the definition. The issue of boundaries can't even come up until those boundaries have been established. Those boundaries can't be established if they've never been discussed. If they've never been discussed because one person knows how the other would react... well, we're back to deceit, aren't we?

I've had relationships that blossomed out of roleplay. I've also had plenty of roleplays (i.e. the vast majority) that were perfectly distinct from anything OOC. But I do think it's disingenuous to consider them the same as reading a book or watching a film. Books and films aren't responding to your words and actions. Even interactive media like games aren't the same because the program is running independently of the author.

In a roleplay, the author is responding to YOU. The author's character is not the author, but the author literally gives it life. The character cannot exist without the author; by definition, some of the author is in that character, and it is engaged similarly with some aspect of YOU.

Sure, the distance between author and created can be great, but the distance can also be very small. It's that spark of life that makes roleplay distinct from any other form of creative writing. That is precisely why I love it so, but it is ALSO why I don't think it's true to view it as something that is entirely separate from the real world. People put varying amounts of themselves into their characters. Maybe your characters are as far removed from you as humanly possible, but it's not safe to assume that that's true for others... including your writing partners.

[TheLionKing]

Personally, I never found it cheating. However, there were a few times where I've fallen for the roleplayer but  so many times I've had to tell myself that you like their character not themselves. It had to make me re-evaluate my purpose for roleplay. I wasn't with anyone so not that aspect was an issue but I was young if that can be used as an excuse. I was 15-16 and caught up in a heavily steamy plot. 

However, as I became older my purpose for roleplay is strictly for the art of it and creativity. I truly believe I was very young to separate creativity from emotion rather let emotion enhance the creativity.

[Regina Minx]

Is roleplaying, third-person, erotic role-plays cheating?

That's like asking "is nougat delicious/disgusting?" It's not that it's an invalid question. But each person tasting the nougat gets to define what they consider to be disgusting or delicious or anything in between. Similarly, every couple gets to define what cheating is. Depending on how they do, Elliquiy may or may not be cheating. I don't really care what terms other people put in their relationships as long as it's between two consenting, risk-aware adults. I don't care if couple A has a totally open, non-exclusive understanding in which they are both free to have as much sex and intimacy outside their relationship as either can or wants to have. I don't care if couple B has an understanding not only of physical but emotional exclusivity. All I care about is if I get into a partnership and I have expectations that we're in relationship A, and they feel like they're in relationship B, and that comes down to not being open and honest with your partner about your needs, wants, desires, and expectations.

"Hey hon, I like to write interactive erotic stories with people on a site called E. You cool with me doing that?"

[Csharynn]

Nope. For me I'm on this site to be creative, to make characters put them in different worlds and roleplay. Everything is about the character and character alone.

[Remiel]

Nope. For me I'm on this site to be creative, to make characters put them in different worlds and roleplay. Everything is about the character and character alone.

It's not so simple.  If it were only about the characters, we wouldn't be at a site for collaborative writing, particularly one that advertises itself as "the #1 adult roleplay site on the Internet".    If it were only about the characters, we wouldn't be here.  We'd each be writing our own novels.

There is, whether we like it or not, a form of social interaction that takes place when we roleplay.  Even when we sit down with friends for a session of Dungeons and Dragons, we're interacting with each other on a social level.  How many times have you been in a situation where you make a bad choice or, perhaps, you simply have extremely bad luck, and the DM goes, "you know, that should kill you, but I think I'm going to bend the rules this one time"?  In this case, the GM is choosing to put the needs of the real-life relationship (social cohesion and harmony) over the artificial rules of the campaign.

An analogy I like to use is that when we write sex scenes, we're performers, acting out our roles (except that, in this case, we're the script writers and the directors as well as the actors).  No, we're not our characters, any more than the movie star and starlet who just kissed on-stage are really in love with each other.  But you know what?  Some people get weird about that.  Some people get uncomfortable if their wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend engages in a scripted sex scene with another actor.   And that's up to them.  There is no right and no wrong.

The way I look at roleplay is that it's a form of fantasy.  You're "acting out" a scene that you never get to do in real life.  It's not reality, and most people instinctively understand that.   That's why most people don't have a problem if their partners write romantic fiction.  But some do, and that's between them and their partners.

Roleplay isn't real.  But let's not pretend that it means nothing.

[Hob]

It's not so simple.  If it were only about the characters, we wouldn't be at a site for collaborative writing, particularly one that advertises itself as "the #1 adult roleplay site on the Internet".    If it were only about the characters, we wouldn't be here.  We'd each be writing our own novels.

There is, whether we like it or not, a form of social interaction that takes place when we roleplay.  Even when we sit down with friends for a session of Dungeons and Dragons, we're interacting with each other on a social level.  How many times have you been in a situation where you make a bad choice or, perhaps, you simply have extremely bad luck, and the DM goes, "you know, that should kill you, but I think I'm going to bend the rules this one time"?  In this case, the GM is choosing to put the needs of the real-life relationship (social cohesion and harmony) over the artificial rules of the campaign.

An analogy I like to use is that when we write sex scenes, we're performers, acting out our roles (except that, in this case, we're the script writers and the directors as well as the actors).  No, we're not our characters, any more than the movie star and starlet who just kissed on-stage are really in love with each other.  But you know what?  Some people get weird about that.  Some people get uncomfortable if their wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend engages in a scripted sex scene with another actor.   And that's up to them.  There is no right and no wrong.

The way I look at roleplay is that it's a form of fantasy.  You're "acting out" a scene that you never get to do in real life.  It's not reality, and most people instinctively understand that.   That's why most people don't have a problem if their partners write romantic fiction.  But some do, and that's between them and their partners.

Roleplay isn't real.  But let's not pretend that it means nothing.

Well spoken.

[meikle]

Ask your partner.  Obviously.  Asking strangers means nothing... There is only one opinion that matters.

My partner & I would mutually hate to find the other participating in an activity that demands emotional and intellectual energy & a major time commitment like RP can, because that's what we agreed to reserve for one another.

You need to talk to your partner about what is okay.  Elliquiy is definitely something that would tick a lot of people's cheating box, especially if you keep it secret/hidden (often secrecy is what defines the barrier between okay and not.)

[Tilt]

I'd say it depends on whether you are being honest about your time here or not. If you're not telling your significant other about being a part of this kind of roleplay community, that to me suggests that you already know they might be hurt or feel betrayed. And instead of discussing it honestly, you're removing their agency in this decision by just not letting them have a choice. It's that lie by omission which would make me uncomfortable, and pushes this from being just about writing, into something more deceitful and hurtful. They deserve to have input and decide themselves if this counts as cheating, because they are the person you're with and the person you care about.

Now don't get me wrong, if your significant other demands you don't see other people because they're jealous, screens all of your communications, and is generally controlling, that is abusive and wrong. That crosses a line.

But, in a normal and healthy relationship, you should be able to be honest and respect each others opinions.

[ladybee]

Depends on the couple, and what they/an outlet like this means to you, I feel.

So cheating, I feel, is whatever would make the other partner in a relationship uncomfortable; obviously it's not as clear cut as that, but I think both sides owe openness and honesty to one another- if this part of your life is important to you there's no shame in that, but to some this is an oddity of a hobby/outlet that they won't easily understand.

it's a tough one! I'd sort of imagine the average person would be iffy about a site like this (for their S.O) but everyone around me is VERY old-fashioned, so maybe/maybe not?I am, curious as to what the average would be

[TheLionKing]

I see roleplay in the same light as co-authoring a book. Steven King Co-authored a few books with Dean Koontz if I remember correctly. I don't see their wives getting their panties in a bunch about it. For me cheating involves physical contact with another person while in a relationship with another (unless it is a mutual open relationship).

[Tilt]

I see roleplay in the same light as co-authoring a book. Steven King Co-authored a few books with Dean Koontz if I remember correctly. I don't see their wives getting their panties in a bunch about it. For me cheating involves physical contact with another person while in a relationship with another (unless it is a mutual open relationship).

Wow, this response is just downright disrespectful.

[Tolvo]

I tend to view it as depending on the relationship and what people agree to. There can be different expectations, I imagine your common person might view it as cheating, or a bit weird, if they know nothing about RP or don't know you do it. And it can depend, are you and the other person getting some sort of intimate relationship out of the RP, and is it a monogamous relationship? If so I think it can be. But in a lot of other cases I don't see it as such, but as a thing to bring up like "Hey is it ok if I do thing?" If it is a problem for you then you might have to choose, or even just let others know "Hey my SO isn't cool with erotica so please don't try to write that with me." Or if it is important enough to you or an issue that is important to you then maybe it is time to move on. I imagine even polyamorous people who don't know about RP probably wouldn't care as long as you just asked first.

[Nico]

My RL relationship has nothing to do with me writing here. It's not any different than me doing any other of my hobbies. My husband knows that I am writing here and that stories might get steamy at one point. But that's the point. It is stories. I maintain a clear distinction between myself, the writer, and my characters and I always expect that from a potential writing partner. I would stop writing with someone, the moment I'd sense some kind of blur because this is the moment when I would feel uncomfortable. Whatever happens between characters in a story thread is fine, but it cannot ever mix with the people writing them. I made it very clear in my O/Os where I draw my lines and if it is violated, I speak up. And I think that's the thing. Drawing lines for oneself, wherever they might be. Comfort zones vary and all this.

For me, it is not cheating. I'm living in a predominantly monogamous relationship and I'm very happily married. And still, I love writing here.

[TheLionKing]

My RL relationship has nothing to do with me writing here. It's not any different than me doing any other of my hobbies. My husband knows that I am writing here and that stories might get steamy at one point. But that's the point. It is stories. I maintain a clear distinction between myself, the writer, and my characters and I always expect that from a potential writing partner. I would stop writing with someone, the moment I'd sense some kind of blur because this is the moment when I would feel uncomfortable. Whatever happens between characters in a story thread is fine, but it cannot ever mix with the people writing them. I made it very clear in my O/Os where I draw my lines and if it is violated, I speak up. And I think that's the thing. Drawing lines for oneself, wherever they might be. Comfort zones vary and all this.

For me, it is not cheating. I'm living in a predominantly monogamous relationship and I'm very happily married. And still, I love writing here.

That is exactly how I view it as well. Writing is an art form and I remain a clear solid line between the two. My spouse sees it in the same light. Sometimes she even reads what I've written because she enjoys my writing.

[TheLionKing]

Wow, this response is just downright disrespectful.

How so? Writing has nothing to do with my personal relationships.

[Remiel]

Again, I must stress that roleplay, in this medium, or in a medium like Discord or Instant Messenger, is not quite like co-authoring a book.  It's not that simple.   When you write a book, you're divorced from the characters, their motivations and emotions.  It's quite likely that you have the entire plot mapped out in advance, or at least a vague outline.

As I said above, a more accurate analogy to use would be like you were acting in an adult play.  At the end of the day, you're just acting, performing a role with your fellow actors.  And yet, there is actual physical contact which might make the actors, or the romantic partners of those actors, uncomfortable.

Roleplay is the same, except that instead of physical contact there is more of an...emotional, or intellectual bond.   

For me, it is not cheating. I'm living in a predominantly monogamous relationship and I'm very happily married. And still, I love writing here.

Emphasis mine.  For Nico, roleplaying is not cheating.   He can compartmentalize his hobby (writing on E), maintain a healthy separation between that and his actual, real life relationship.

It's not fair to generalize that for everyone.  It's a grey area, for which there are no clearly defined rules.

[Nico]

It's not fair to generalize that for everyone.  It's a grey area, for which there are no clearly defined rules.

Agreed. It's difficult to generalise something everyone has a different approach to. Everyone makes their own rules when it comes to this particular topic, I'd say.

[Tilt]

How so? Writing has nothing to do with my personal relationships.

Because personal relationships, to begin with, are about giving and taking and understanding one another. Instead of considering why a sexual or romantic partner might consider it a violation of their trust if you are writing or fantasizing about having sex with other people, which you dismiss as getting their panties in a wad. It's very invalidating, which is in turn rude.

Couples may not always agree on what counts as cheating, which is why respectful communication is necessary. But that takes listening to both sides, not just trying to control everything and dismissing the other perspective as hysterical and wrong.

[Strega]

May I suggest something? Especially for those struggling with the idea of cheating.

Let's not be so absolute on the terms. As Remiel said, this area is rather grey and relationships should be considered a grey area as well. Us, painting relations in black and white, are the wrong ones here. We create identities and struggle hard to stick to them, for reasons of (in)security mostly, or need, or fear or anything you could possible name.

Instead of having such a question spinning inside your head making you feel guilty, I would suggest changing your perspective. RP is a means to be someone else, isn't it? Maybe explore an idea, a fantasy even, to come into terms with a part of you that you cannot possibly grasp with no one, name them friend/parent/partner. Engaging into it with someone else makes it even more 'tangible' comparing to reading a book about it. So in my eyes, it becomes something like.. therapy. I personally consider RP a means of healing.

Now, if your partner considers it to be cheating.. well, there is probably more there and you are definitely not to blame for your needs to escape in any possible way.