Things to Say During Sex...a helpful little chart

[Cecilia]

http://www.comicvsaudience.net/images/flow_sex.jpg

[Trieste]

"Who's your abusive stepfather?"

I'm so saying that the next time I get laid. My partners are so awesome that I'd get back a "Yeah, baby", too. ^_^

[Cecilia]

Trieste, you crack me up....ROFTL!!

[HairyHeretic]

>100 THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING SEX...
>
>1. But everybody looks funny naked!
>
>2. You woke me up for that?
>
>3. Did I mention the video camera?
>
>4. Do you smell something burning?
>
>5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
>
>6. Try breathing through your nose.
>
>7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
>
>8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
>
>9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
>
>10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
>
>11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?
>Person 2: Yeah.. today
>
>12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
>
>13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
>
>14. Do you accept Visa?
>
>15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
>
>16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
>
>17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
>
>18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
>
>19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
>
>20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
>
>21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
>
>22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
>
>23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
>
>24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
>
>25. Got any penicillin?
>
>26. But I just brushed my teeth...
>
>27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
>
>28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
>
>29. I want a baby!
>
>30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
>
>31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
>
>32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
>
>33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
>
>34. I think you have it on backwards.
>
>35. When is this supposed to feel good?
>
>36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
>
>37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
>
>38. Is that blood on the headboard?
>
>39. Did I remember to take my pill?
>
>40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
>
>41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
>
>42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
>
>43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
>
>44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
>
>45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
>
>46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
>
>47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
>
>48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
>
>49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
>
>50. You're almost as good as my ex!
>
>51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
>
>52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
>
>53. You look younger than you feel.
>
>54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
>
>55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
>
>56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
>
>57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
>
>58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
>
>59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
>
>60. What tampon?
>
>61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
>
>62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner
>
>63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
>
>64. I have a confession...
>
>65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
>
>66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
>
>67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
>
>68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
>
>69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
>
>70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
>
>71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
>
>72. Did you come yet, dear?
>
>73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
>
>74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
>
>75. Does this count as a date?
>
>76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
>
>77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
>
>78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
>
>79. Q: You can cook, too right?
>A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
>
>80. When would you like to meet my parents?
>
>81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
>Woman: Yourself?
>
>82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
>
>83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
>
>84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
>
>85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
>
>86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
>
>87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
>
>88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
>
>89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
>
>90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
>
>91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
>
>92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
>
>93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
>
>94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
>
>95. Is this a sin too?
>
>96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
>
>97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
>
>98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
>
>99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
>
>100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?



Good, bad, indifferent!!??????

1. Bad: You find a porn film in your son's room. Worse: You're in it.
2. Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other.
3. Bad: Your husband's a cross-dresser. Worse: He looks better than you.
4. Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer.
5. Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman.
6. Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your son "borrowed" it.
7. Bad: Your wife is sick. Worse: Of you
8. Bad: Your unit only measures out to be 2 inches long. Worse: Erect!!
9. Bad: Your husband has become a playboy. Worse: Centerfold
10. Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your husband.
11. Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually
12. Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in unexpectedly.
13. Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
14. Good: Your boyfriend is on a diet. Bad: So he'll fit into your clothes.
15. Good: Your daughter practices safe sex. Bad. She's eleven.
16. Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: She's 350 pounds
17. Good Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown.
18. Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming home.
19. Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them.
20. Good: Your wife's just experienced her first orgasm. Bad: With the postman.
21. Good: Your wife's got a flat stomach. Bad: And a matching chest.
22. Good: Your wife's got large breasts. Bad: And a matching ass.
23. Good: Your wife reminds you of your mother. Bad. In bed
24. Good: Your girlfriend's got soft, long, blonde hair. Bad: Under her arm.
25. Good: Your daughter's boss raves about her work. Bad: He's a pimp.

[Trieste]

Trieste, you crack me up....ROFTL!!

*bows* I am here for your amusement, m'Lady. :D

[Inkidu]

Hail Satan. WTF.