Tails of Monkey - Hey Adventure is still waiting

[Catherine]

I stayed this time as we streaked forwards, no pairs of glass would be safe if they were being across where I was going.  Since I was going so fast, I think I left my shadow behind when the the nitros were hit and it was trying to catch up, that and  the people carrying the glass would see a blur rush by shrug and keep going. Suddenly SHATTER the glass would shatter and there would be no reason. If this was some type of comedy I could keep circling around shattering pane after pane of glass as they are bring them out but this isn’t and there is a word that sounds like a word that is ow. Pane or pain. The yihaaaaaaaa quickly changing to yihaaaaaaaaoooooooooowwwwwww when I get to feel what shattered shards of glass feel like. *cough* not good *cough*

There is only one type of people who like the feel of glass shards and that is when they are laughing widely giving others sharp painful massages over and over with a wild look in their eyes or eye depending if they wear an eye patch or something like that. I don’t do wild looks and laughter because of the whole hair thing  it takes time to make it look like this. No matter what my brother says.

*cute and adorable monkey girl ninja tip - take some time while grooming. Take a moment or two to brush or comb your hair after waking up so you aren’t mistaken for a mad person and butt darted. *

Of course if I find myself waist deep in a pool of banana milkshakes I may consider laughing right before grabbing a straw and drink it. Slowly so I can enjoy it and to prevent any brain freeze. I have told  banana milkshakes are good right? Like banana gold, yum.

Anyways shooting forwards, jumping over any panes of glass so neither Wiener or myself get a glass massage and zoom!

Holding on for my dear life I could see Flamebottom and his mount coming up fast. I could feel my stomach beginning to churn the closer we got thanks to someone’s kilt keep bouncing up and that someone wearing it properly. URP. I so felt like that one person in the one movie galactic twinkles battles when he swept in to the not so happy moon. You know zipping down the trench and the whole one torpedo down that is only so an so big and it took some invisible force to steer the torpedo into the hole. Yeah that one, my brother loved that for some reason. He kept raising open hand at me for some reason and I would stick my tongue out at him. There was something about him being someone’s father and I silently stepped out of the room and got a cookie. Telling my mom that my brother used force on me telling me that I had to eat a cookie for him. She rolled her eyes and enjoyed the cookie.

I got that whole flash back from watching that movie and swept the imaginary visor in front of my eyes and called back “A1 we are going in� and prepared for the trench run. I could make it look better than how it looked in the movie, maybe grind the edges of the trench and do a trick or two off the lip of it. Maybe shoot the torpedo from the three point line and make it look easy, not needing any invisible force to steer the torpedo. Just a PCHOW and a a lense flare.

The twin death moons were approaching quickly. The others were afraid and dropped out of mega speed a while back, not me though. It was infinitely more cooler. Zip in. What the? Drop the torpedo. Zip away and what was that?i think it was a bird or something. Followed by BOOM with improbable flames in space. I streak in and realize what I am streaking in to and pull back.

Wooooooo.............

Parking brakes. Air brakes and any other type of brakes were found and pulled. Even the parachute. No trench run for this monkey girl.

[Catherine]

I swerve at the last second coming dangerously close to the trench. Some may ask how close is dangerously close, anywhere close would be the answer. No where close enough to count the freckles on either side of the trench. Once I realized what was happening I white knuckled pulled back on anything and everything I could grab a hold of. Even kicking both feet out in front of me and gritting teeth the whole time repeating “No trench run,” over and over.

Thankfully the monkey gods smiled down upon me and there was no “No, its got me. I cannot pull up. Tell my family I love them, my brother to stay out of my room and banana milkshakes are really good.” Followed by a really not dramatic SPLAT followed by mmphmmphh and arm waving. Wiener and myself swerved to one side, going up on two of Weiner’s legs and teetering there for a moment before going back down with a THUMP!

We come alongside Flamebeard, shifting Wiener down into a lower gear and I give him a one handed finger gun. BANG! “You had us for a second, never expected the whole dirt cloud thing and the speed of your mount, furrynugget. But we are onto the both of you now, right Weiner?” Wiener responds with an oink after I patted him with a hand.

I was about to say something smart and witty when the sound of non-cannon country music started to get louder and louder.

“What in the,” I started to ask when something that smelled like coppertone hit me in the face.  UMPH! Knocking me off Weiner and in slow motion I fell backwards, “No......................................“ Hands reaching for the reigns as I fell. Weiner, Redbeard and fourcurves raced ahead.

Emergency protocols for slow motion falling backward enacted.  Lights flashing and alarms going off. No way am I going to fall on my head. 

[Catherine]

I hit the ground and roll gracefully, no flopping around for this monkey girl. Just a roll and up to my feet, arms thrown out and tail goes down tapping the ground with the tip. Three point landing! The crowd goes wild, chanting “Monkey”  over and over. I blow them all kisses and accept the imaginary roses that are thrown. Ow! Okay that one had thorns still. Ow! That one does too. Okay two can be just accidents. Ow! Ow! Ow! They all have thorns!!!! What type of imaginary thing is this. Ow! Ow! Ow!

Standing there I wait for the judges to judge. I get a ten, a eight, a nine. Oh I knew I stuck the landing and with that flourish at the end, minus the thorns, I had a great ending. I look towards the last judge, imaginary fingernail chewing and he gives me a look as he lifts his sign. What? What is it going to be? I know I won him over this time. There is no way he is going to score me low this time. No way no how. Wait. Wait I think I see am eight. I did it! I won the hard judge over.

Wait a moment what is that.... there is a mark to the left of the.... a negative sign! A negative eight! But I stuck the.... a three point.... there was a flourish at the end..... I got my name chanted over and over.... roses..... roses with thorns even. No one with a negative score would get those!  What did I do to him to deserve bad scores all of the time? Growl, hiss and drop shoulders. Boo!

Disappointed I turn to see what hit me, the scent of Coppertone hanging heavy on the air as I do and I see a little figure laying there with blonde hair wearing headphones, Stars slowly spinning in circles above it.

I just stand there watching as the little figure weakly tries to grab the stars as they spin with one hand. Missing one after another.

“Hey,” I call out and I get no response other than the music. I take a couple steps towards the little figure, staying the proper not hit by pea soup distance away and call out again. Again no answer other than music. From where I was at the little figure looked familiar, like I have seen her before. Not on wanted posters or anything, although with what she did and the music she is playing she should be.

I take a deep breath, look down at the imaginary line in the sand. The one that marks the edge of the safety, i am clean of any pea soup, zone. Then step and run over to the girl, nudging her head with my foot. My tail staying away from any of that. * Motioning towards the figure on the ground * if she grabs onto my toe and starts to suck on it for any reason I will scream and scream loud.

“Hey!”

The girl looked at me with dazed look in her eyes, “HI, I AM TRYING TO CATCH STARS!”

Slowly I shook my head, “No, you don’t have to yell I am right here. Take off the headphones.”

“DO WHAT WITH ELEPHANTS?”

“Nothing, take off your headphones.”

“I DO LOOK PRETTY THANK YOU!”

“I said take off the headphones.”

*scene pause -some of you might be wondering, monkey why aren’t you trying to catch up to Weiner? I would answer, I was head-butted and that needed to be cleared up. Things sort of get pushed to the side when you get head-butted. Secondly you might be wondering why I didn’t reach down and take the headphones off. Well that is simple, personal space and the girl looks like a biter. I am not quick to judge but definitely a biter. Scene stop pause*

“YOU THINK THIS DRESS MAKES MY BOTTOM LOOK BIG? THAT IS NOT NICE.”

I considered doing charades but that would take to long.

“No, this isn’t me offering you a bowl of ice cream.”

“No I do not have a mountain bar.”

“No not three scoops. How came you think everything has to do with..”�the little girls face goes green and I quickly change subjects as I wildly point in any direction but mine, “Go that way. That way. I don’t like pea soup.....”

[rest of scene censored due to ick and gross and urp. ]

[Catherine]

After what it seemed like hours the little girl, Ugh I can’t describe it. Just the little bit I still remember, that I am trying to forget quickly and replace with happy memories like hills of banana milkshakes. Tons and tons of them all over yum. All I can tell you that so you won’t be kept up at night screaming everytime you close your eyes was it was horrible. Horrible with a capital horrible. I have never seen.... urp. I have.... urp. I need to stop, this is like torture. It was just horrible, poor girl I think she is part camel and was... urp.

“Give  me a second please,” I say weakly waving a hand from side to side. Slowly turning to look away from the accident that was.... urp. I just turn away okay? Skin clammy I just stood there trying not to take in the coppertone and whatev.... urp.... did I mention it was horrible. No amount of special effects could capture what I just saw. There is no way. No matter how much cgi they use there is no way they could match what I just urp witnessed. They better not 3D it either, because..... because........

Is everything starting to spin? I am starting to.......

*adorable faint*

[Catherine]

In the darkness I hear a stern voice yelling at me, “Why did you faint this time?  Let me guess a lady bug landed on something and it was too much.”

“Uh no,” Ianswer, looking around in the darkness in my.... whatever this is. * motioning with a hand around to whatever the stuff was.* You would think the stuff would be more um.... hard to find a word for it. Something or another. Definitely needs some work since it is so blah. I mean it is just darkness and that is about it. No creativity or anything in it.

I mean if I was designing something like this I would add at least a little bit of color, hmmm... *place hand on chin and slowly turn around* Over there! *point* Maybe a photo or something, something that will draw your eyes and add to this blah.

Maybe a couple throw pillows too so someone can sit down when they are here wherever here is. I was thinking a bean bag chair but quickly nixed that for a number of reasons. One of which you don’t want to get wherever here is stuck and that is what usually happens with beanbag chairs or I like to call them “the black holes of the bedroom”.  Some sit in one and are never seen again. All you hear  as you walk by is a little “Help me.......”

“This is where you go when you faint. Which seems to be a lot lately.”

I looked around trying to find the source of the voice, somewhere in the whatever this is and couldn’t find anything. How mysterious.... “Well That isn’t fair. I mean I am seeing a lot of non cannon stuff and it is a little overwhelming. Dwarves yes. Norse yes. An elf sort of but a leprechaun, come on. I don't remember leprechauns fighting alongside Vikings or Norse trying to find the end of the rainbow to get a pot of gold.”

“Okay you got me there, that is a little confusing.”

With a nod I agreed, “See, everyone blames the fainter and never looks at what made them faint. Non cannon is way worse than some ick space monster that drools all over with one eye.”

“True but there is something you forgot.”

“What is that?” I ask, my curiosity piqued. What did I forget? I was using  the space monster as a general catch all. Did I offend the rest of them? Should I name the rest? That would take me a long time and I am pretty sure the reader would get bored and upset after reading the extensive list.

“This is part one for the letter A.”

“But I just wanted to read your story.”

“Sorry some mysterious voice in wherever I was sort of hinted that monsters were offended and that I should list them all.”

“Oh okay well maybe I will just wait for the movie then.”

“Sorry it will be like that for that too. The director thought it added a lot to the movie. The last thing I heard was that the movie was around eight weeks in length.”

“Will you stop that,”  the mysterious voice boomed in wherever I was, “You got a race to run and maybe win.”

I perked up a little, “Oh yeah.... So how do I get back to it?”

“You wake up!”

*imaginative hand to face. Duh!*

Close eyes and boink!

[Catherine]

I don’t just open my eyes I am up on my feet and opening my eyes. I have never figured out a how but I am not complaining with a rule of the cute and adorable. Up and looking around I can see Weiner and Redbeard are not that far ahead the time in wherever I was must not run at the same pace as it did well here.

For a moment I consider throwing my arms out and start to sing, “The hills are alive thanks to time. It all runs at a certain set pace so it does not get confusing. Other than the whole time change thing. La la la.  But I didn’t do that, while cute it isn’t that adorable and I am not wearing a German country style dress and there is no kids hanging about that I watching over.

“But Miss Monkey we are right over there,” some little kid says tugging on my shirt sleeve. I turn to look where the kid is pointing and see a half a dozen or so of them standing over there looking like they are about to break out in a song or dance.

“Sorry kid, I don’t do musicals,” I tell the kid as I pat him on the head, “I had an incident once and I still have nightmares and flashbacks of it.” I swing a hand up and take a step back, “No no not the harmonizing again.” �in the corner of my eyes I could see the group of them start to crouch in unison, their mouths opening to breathe or sing.

A cold chill of dread shot through me, some call it PDMS which stands for post dramatic musical syndrome. I hear mostly guys that were forced to go to musicals suffer from it. Cold sweat, glistening for girls and screams of musical and dancing terms happen to those that have it. I had to react and react fast before singing and dancing, quickly I looked around and found a victim, er I mean nanny *wink*.

“She is going to watch you,”� I say pointing to an elf, who just happen to be walking near but far enough away to deny the love of the kids. The elf just stood there frozen in place with the “deer in the headlights”  look. In unison the kids cheered and started dancing towards the vic.... I mean new nanny.

Crisis resolved I put fingers to lips and blew. From where I was I could see Wiener’s ears perk up and he started to turn. The next part was critical, if we screwed if up it would either be embarrassing or flattening.

*fingers crossed for SUCCESS!!!!!!*

[Catherine]

I prepared myself as Weiner veered and ran towards me. We had to time this just right if not it would get ugly really fast and sorry the cute and adorable don’t do that. At least we don’t try, some times it just happens and we grumble a little bit and have to take a shower but that is okay. We are only cute and adorable.  *smile and wink*

By the way Weiner was moving I could tell he was going to hit the nitros as soon as i was okay. If he didn’t there would be no way for us to catch up to Redbeard unless there was some odd story plot that we did. Not seeing that happening though since that would take away from the story. Also it raises questions if I am one place in one sentence and I am somewhere else in the next. A lot of “what the?”Would be said and flipping of pages to see if anything was missed. Then calling to the publisher asking if text was not printed or something. Confusion, chaos and other things which can be settled with a quiet moment with a banana milkshake, have I told you that they are good? What, I have? Like banana gold......

I prepare myself like I just said by hopping up and down and doing some warmups. It is always best to be prepared when doing things like what I am about to do, if not tripping, arms flailing and falling occur followed by possible squishing or trampling.

Closer and closer Weiner got and I could feel wind coming off of him and then I saw it, the sign and I turned to the side, hopped and started to run as Wiener turned. I jumped over some weird type of creature, what it was I don’t know all I know is it was weird looking, it had a horn and some other stuff. I would have stopped and maybe petted it after safety poking it with a stick but I got a Weiner to catch.

I looked to the side to check to see where Weiner was and I saw nothing and for a moment I considered spin and run backwards or I like to say “Hey you are running the wrong way move" but suddenly he was there like a moving wall. With a silent prayer to the banana gods I leapt, carefully grabbed and swung myself up with a wahooooooo followed by a light thump, my tail shifting out of the way skillfully thanks to its skills as a stunt tail. With a quick smile I hunkered down, we had a dwarf and his mount to catch and nitro to use because it would be awesome.

*push button, hold on and whoosh..............*

[Catherine]

I am not sure what was different this time when the nitro was kicked on all I know it was different. Yes I held on for dear life and everything, that is what you do when you are riding a giant potbelly pig that is going close to the speed of light or something close to that. It is hard to judge that kind of stuff since you can’t just say “Hey light, do you think I am going as fast as you?” and have a ray of light answer you. Rays of light don’t talk, they are the strong and silent type. Just hanging about lighting and illuminating.

Anyways it was different this time, no jerking up and down like riding a jackhammer. Again that was not my fault, someone left it laying about and it looked lonely. They shouldn’t build them to sort of look like pogo sticks either. No this time the ride was smooth, there might have been an ever so subtle up and down motion but nothing jarring, in a way it was like we were flying!

That idea alone tickled my curiosity as we shot forwards, leaning to the side I looked down to see and almost caught a large bug in my mouth when it fell open in surprise. There was no movement, specifically no leg movement that means.....WE WERE FLYING!!!!!! Waaahooooooo........

Quickly I pulled myself back up and switched my imaginary hat to a flight helmet and slipped an imaginary set of mirrored sun glasses on, the sun dancing off the rim of the the and the imaginary radio.

“Whisky Alpha tango, Come in whisky aloha tango. This is monkey girl without a fez.”

“This is whisky Alpha tango, are you ready? Over.”

“Eyes I am ready and I am not sure why you said over over.”

I could feel the pull of the wind pulling on me and g force pulling on my stomach as we raced forward. Wiener started to sway back and forth, an image played over and over in my mind of the both of us going into a corkscrew and me urping after the first couple of them.

“No corkscrew,” I mumbled over and over hoping that Wiener heard me. Nether of us wanted the urp, I can guarantee that. Especially going at the speed we are presently at, it would not be a pretty sight for a very long time. From there *imaginary point* to probably the other side of the galaxy. The whole time me frantically trying to find an air brake.

“Brake? No! Brake? No! Brake? No! Where is the brake at?”

I heard Wiener oink and I patted his back, “Go for it.”� I then turned to the side, smiled and then asked, “Miss me?”

[Catherine]

The look on Redbeard’s face was priceless, the whole mouth dropping open and blank stare was *click* was well worth taking a shot, a dwarfie! That is of course copyrighted *stamp* before it becomes popular and everything. The whole selfie thing being pushed to the side by dwarfie.

For a moment I considered taking another and putting a cute little dog nose and ears on Redbeard but the whole bird flying into the mouth thing sort of thing put a halt to that. I mean look *pull out phone, do some clicks to bring up the photo and show *, look at the look on the bird’s face as it flew in. It is one of pure dread and fear. There was no way it could prevent what was about to happen and it knew it, poor thing. To know that you are about to accidentally be swallowed by a dwarf who probably hasn’t brushed his teeth in a very long time is not something to be looked forward to, not by anything. *shiver* It must be like those giant worm things in that one movie. Fly in, land and think it is some type of cave, realize it isn’t and beat feet getting out. The only thing is that the bird couldn’t beat feet, there was just a gulp.

It is one of those photos that makes you think. You know think about what the bird was thinking about at that moment. I was always good at those and I am pretty sure the bird was thinking, “No...no...no... Set engines to reverse, Oh shoot I don’t have engines!”

Once I saw the bird fly in and give me a wave good bye I slipped my phone back into my bag and decided the only photo that needed to be taken now was the one at the finish line. Me holding the trophy or whatever while cheesing it up for the camera with a big smile on my face and giving the peace sign.

Time to take it to the next level, “giddyup!”

[Catherine]

I “hear”my tail laugh as we pull ahead, swerving through trees like they were not even there. Well okay we did swerve through them like they were there because if we didn’t we would have hit them all which would have slowed us down a lot.

With a quick glance I looked backwards and saw that Redbeard was falling behind and right when I was about to let out a laugh it stuck in my throat and I coughed instead when I saw Redbeard grab a hold of a tree. Wow impressive, you might say and roll your eyes and yawn. But you preempted yawned because Redbeard then yanked the tree out of the ground without stopping.

Thankfully I was looking backwards, my jaw dropping open as I.....as I....as I nearly fainted. I mean how? Physics people, physics!  Big tree, hill sized dwarf wearing a kilt riding a dwarf moose, something has to give.

“Fine,” I growl, as long as Redbeard didn’t poke me with the tree I was fine, maybe something flew into his mouth and he needed a toothpick. “Watch out for squirrels,” I yelled back before turning my attention forwards again, “they will go nuts!”

Okay that wasn’t too good but you have to give that one to me. Dwarf with a tree people and that is just plain nuts. *giggle* don’t mind me if I get a little squirrely, I don’t know what is going to happen next. *giggle plus a touch of laughter * I am not peaconing back, I need to see what is coming. *laughter*

Whoops, I grab a hold of one of Wiener’s ears right as I started to slip off and he let out a mighty OINK! “Sorry,”� I told him, patting Wiener on the top of his head as I climbed back up, “I let puns or whatever, Get the better of me.”

Quickly I gave Wiener a little kiss on the ear to make him feel better, wiped my mouth and set myself back up for mad speed. We were ahead and that is how it was going to stay.

“Monkey pulls ahead in the turn and into the not so straight straight away. What is this? A shadow is falling over the track....”

“Wait, what? What shadow....... is there an eclipse happening or something,” I say looking around and see everything getting dark as the sound of wind blowing through leaves gets louder and louder.

I look around and then back to see the tree that Redbeard has yanked out of the ground flying towards me.

“Butter fingers!”

[Catherine]

That is the only thing I could think to say really, I was sort of busy holding on and now about to dodge a falling tree. I laugh to myself realizing I was sort of in the middle of the “If a tree falls in the” thing and I was about to find out the answer which I hope wasn’t OW!

There was a split second for me to decide and it was an easy decision since I wasn’t a beaver and that was NOT TO EAT A TREE!!!! We were going at a pretty fast speed, Mach bazillion I think but we had buried the needle on the nonexistent gauge a long time back. Let me check *tapping nonexistent gauge with my finger tap tap* Yeah it is buried, tombstone and all. A shame really, it was a good gauge.

At this speed there was no way to do any type of braking and it looked like the tree had a bead on Wiener and myself. Maybe it is one of those heat seeker one or something that some mad woodland scientist came up with to hide their stash of liquids from the law. All I knew is that it looked heavy, me and heavy don’t mix.

“You have any ideas,” I ask Weiner keeping my eyes on the tree just in case it did something funny. He oinked and I nodded, I thought the same thing, neither of us wanted to wake up with wood, after being flattened by it.

Okay why is everyone laughing for? Being flattened by a falling tree isn’t that funny! What? Yeah I said waking up with wood so? What? Gutter minds! You, you and you. You know who I am pointing at! This isn’t that type of book or story.. *shake head*  You take an innocent word and BLAM make it dirty, you should be a shame of yourselves. I mean woodpeckers live in trees and like wood. Why are you laughing now for? I don’t want to know, here! *places bar of soap down* You might want to clean your minds out. Jeez...

An idea popped into my head, it would be tricky and would need a interesting name to yell out when it was done, time to throw some words together and hope they sound pea right. No time to take polls and do test audiences.

I opened the dictionary in my mind up and started to flip through the pages.

Kobe,  not the player but either some port or a piece of meat.

Wait next? Flip pages, oooh interesting.

Eye shine, what happens when you flash an animal in the eyes with a flashlight before it gets mad and attacks you.

One last word... best to end with a color.

Maroon, not the prettiest color but it will be flashier after the move is pulled off.

I lean down and whisper to Wiener, “Ready?” He nods and I take a deep bestie.

“Time to pull off the Kobe eye shine maroon!”

Silence....

*silence crickets followed by blush*

Whoops...

Heat of the moment and I forgot to do something. TELL WIENER WHAT TO DO!!!!

Retcon!!!!

[Catherine]

Kobe eye shine maroon!

It was the heat of the moment I think, brain doing one thing and it was sort of a big thing, big with bark and roots. That always overrules other thoughts, prevent smashy before let’s  try this thing with a cool name.

I look back towards the tree just to see if it trying to pull any type of ninja tree action like throw birds at me ninja star style. Tree hiyah! Luckily it wasn’t trying anything, as far as I can tell. No ninja mask, bright colored headband or strange symbols anywhere. Which would not be cannon although kind of cool.

Carefully I leaned close to Wiener’s ear and started to explain everything to him, motioning with my hand a little which was a waste since he couldn’t see that. But still it is the thought that counts.

“Got it?” I ask and IWeiner nodded and I patted his side, “Great!”

“Go  Kobe eye shine maroon!”

No fancy movements were done or poses were needed, thankfully. If either were done I would fall off Wiener and it would be more like “Go Kobe eyyyyyy thump ow crash not good and boom!”

That and those things are a little too Saturday morning cereal bowl giant robot shaped like a dinosaur, car or something else that combines into one giant robot driven by teenagers thing and yeah no.

Here we go........

[Catherine]

The camera slowly spins, raising a little to get a better angle to capture all of the  Kobe eye shine maroon maneuver. I shoot it a little smile with an light star twinkle and finger bang.

I could feel Weiner tensing up for a moment as the tree raced towards us, like a lawn jart on a mission. He was ready and I tried my best to wrap my arms around him so I was.

For a second I looked back, the tree even closer now which makes sense with gravity, force and other physics and everything. Without taking my eyes off  the flying log of doom I patted Weiner’s side, “Go for it”

Wiener nodded and then VOOM we blinked out of existence, well not really we just moved over there *point* really really fast. Like blink fast. There we were riding the log, goofy style if you ask. The wind in my hair and everything but you see trees that are thrown will eventually crash in an amazing show of splinters. Something that neither Wiener or myself cared to experience or sit there and pull the splinters out of ourselves.

I blinked and we were upside down, someone was showing off and we were still heading towards the ground with the log.

“Show off,” I said shaking my head, “better jump or we will be spending some time with a pair of tweezers.”

Weiner oinked and we were gone again..

*The camera pans around the only thing it can catch is a couple birds, a squirrel and Redbeard barreling down on it. Move camera! You are in  bad place.. you are going to be trampled...... trample trample trample *

[Catherine]

*camera jumble and bounce and flip and rotate and get camera sick. Camera urp!*

Redbeard and Forticurtu appear in the camera as they race by but where is their opponent? The cute and adorable monkey girl and her friend Wiener, her trusted mount that is amazing. Not trying to get his head to swell any larger since it is already huge.

OINK!

Sorry, it is properly sized for a Vietnamese pot belly pig of his size. Is that better?

OINK!

Good, anyways I don’t want to make it bigger since it would make getting shirts on him harder. They would get stuck, his face would turn blue and he would pass out. The jaws of life would need to be used and that never ends good. Never good with the jaws of life. That and have you seen one, Wiener would be scared, isn’t that right?

OINK!

I thought so, love you Wiener. *off the camera hug*

Suddenly a ninja smoke poofs into existence, right over there *point* and out of it erupts you know who coughing a little, Hey the cloud was a little thick and I think had something in it. I asked for vanilla scented but I think they gave me pepper instead, blah.

Tears steamed down my face as we pull along side Redbeard. “Nice try there, the whole whack a mole with a log thing,” I pause to wipe the tears from my eyes and start making a shopping list in my head, mop check!

“But I am not a mole and whacking is not on my bucket list,”� I wipe my eyes again, “Sorry condiment problem. Where was I? Oh yeah, let‘s do this....”

With that I wipe more tears away, someone definitely went to heavy on the pepper and patted Wiener. He nodded and the race was on again, this time hopefully without any flying trees.

[Catherine]

The path narrows as we race ahead, shoulder to shoulder. A safe distance from my personal zone too and my nostrils too, that was the important part. Someone smelled like the worst parts of onions and garlic  and yeah wow.

OINK!

“Not you, not you, “ I told Wiener as I patted his side, “you smell nice. Not like some who wear kilts when they shouldn’t.” *double cough to get someone’s attention so they knew I was speaking about them and not someone else.* but I got no reaction from Redbeard who was starting to pull ahead and upwind which meant I was downwind and URP, bad parts of onions and garlic.

“Do you mind,”� I yelled through the imaginary gas mask that I was wearing. Oops I sort of forgot to mention that I had changed imaginary hats. It happened back there when someone pulled a head and decided to stink me out.

My answer was a laugh and something else which didn’t help the situation at all. What did Redbeard eat!?!?! Whatever it was URP it must URP have thanked Redbeard for eating URP it and putting it out of its URP misery.

“Come on a little soap and water won’t hurt. There might be a river or mountain stream coming up. We can stop and you know you can bathe. I can get the manual out that I have, I am pretty sure it will tell you how to bathe.”

Not a single, “Okay” or “Hey I think that sounds nice.”� No I got a sprayed again and the trees on either side of the trail started to rot.

I enthusiastically pointed, “That isn’t a good sign you know and I think birds are falling from the sky. Oh and I just saw what I think is a skunk holding its nose. Again that is not a good sign since they, you know stink.” Quickly I looked back at the skunk looking creature who had a hurt look on its face and I apologized, “Sorry...”

Sorry for what I just said about it and really sorry about the lack of someone’s knowledge of what soap does.

Up and up we climbed, leaving a path of wilted trees, plants and unconscious small animals. Couple large ones too.

[Catherine]

“Oh  come on...”€ I say through gritted and carefully squeezed nose as Weiner and myself raced behind McStinksalotbecauseidontshower. Both Weiner’s and my eyes were watering and that was a cruel joke for the plants that were wilting along either side of the trail, first being wilted by the stink and then at the same time getting water to grow. Sending them mixed messages, do they want us to die or live?

I knew we had to do something or the race would be a blight on the hillside and everything else. Stories would be told years from now in some country Norse accent, “Ya noh weed word araising crops here undil the stink bomb affair.” I probably would get the blame for it and I know what soap is. Ahead of me a bird dropped from the sky, little crosses in its eyes and hit one of my hands. Getting past the ick and gross moment, oh and the thrusting the hand out and grabbing a moist towelette while sticking out my tongue because an either dead or hopefully just unconscious bird landed on my head. FYI I do not know mouth to beak cpr, I skipped that day since I never thought I would have to feel a beak on my lips. Do I have to use oral protection like Saran Wrap: so there is no passing of bird ick.

But what? What could a little cute and adorable monkey girl suppose to do?


*long pause for you to think *

Got it? Let me hear and nope. Nope and nope. You see it came to me in a flash of inspiration. *Flash* Okay it came to me when light flashed on the sign that I just passed. *point backwards*

There was a bridge coming and that is where things were going to go down. Hopefully not in front of me but things were going to go down.

“Are you ready,” I whispered to Wiener and he nodded. “Three....two and one! Bridge block and hope don’t get squished move that should get Redbeard to finally bath move. Oh and with soap!!!â€�

And boink, one big Vietnamese pot belly big and a monkey girl, who is adorable by the way, disappear. 

[Catherine]

*camera pans wildly looking for giant Vietnamese pot belly pig and the monkey girl and see nothing but do catch glimpses of what is under a kilt, unfortunately. Peoples’ eyes start to bleed when they see it too, unable to forget what they have seen ever again since it has been burned into their minds *

Suddenly there is the clomping of hooves as Forticurtu runs onto the wooden bridge the sound of water on rocks being drowned out.

OINK!

Without warning a dark shape appears in front of Redbeard followed by the sound of whistling, “Stop!!!!!!”

*camera gasp*

That’s right, yours truly and her faithful sidekick has appeared.

OINK!

Okay sorry Wiener and myself appear, Sorry I got into the moment and it felt superhero like. You know the villain is getting away and no one can stop him. In a flash a hero appears their cape blowing in the window. “Ha Ha, you will not be escaping today criminal. To jail with you. Someday you will learn crime doesn’t pay unless you get away.”

For a moment I was worried, would Redbeard stop or not and I was answered with a cloud of dust and a ton of dirt and rocks being sprayed all over me. Hey now wait..... Phpft! Phfpt! Phfpt! Hey I didn’t know granite tasted like that. Phpft! Hey a fossil of a trilooverbite. Phfpt! Phfpt! Phfpt!

When the dust settled I sat there with a nasty look on my face staring right at him not to happy at all. That is all I need for a very long time and it didn’t get awkward at all. If I was on the ground I would be tapping a foot but since I wasn’t I stared. One of those stares that if I had laser eyes there will a hole burned in something, which I don’t want for several reasons. One being I wouldn’t be able to wear my favorite pair of sunglasses for obvious reasons. The second would be that there would be no safety on them and I would be shooting anything.

Ah look a cute puppy. ZAP! No.........

Mmmm a chocolate chip cookie. ZAP! No.......

Oh my big brother. ZAP! Eh deserved it. I think they have ointment.

Yum a banana milkshake. ZAP! NO!!!!!!!!

A cute and low growl started to emanate from me, sort of like a hiss and spit but less ick. I could tell Redbeard wasn’t taking me serious, he was more in the Come up and pat me on top of the head and say that I being cute things so I needed to take it to the next level.

I threw an arm down and pointed down to the water below the bridge all while imagining a little nuclear cloud erupting from the top of my head.

“Bath now!”� Followed by a growl.

The hill just stood there so I decided to make sure he knew I meant what I was saying, so I went all caps.

“BATH NOW!!!!”

I heard the birds gasp as everything went quiet but I stuck with it and had to stop from smiling when Redbeard stepped off forticurtu. But did a imaginary arm pump, Yes!!!!

“Down to the water and I will throw you some soap.”

For the first time a hill grumbled as it moved to the side of the bridge and disappeared , but it was going to be clean so win.

[Catherine]

Quickly I ran to the edge of the bridge and yelled over as Redbeard continued to slowly and I mean slowly make his way down to the water. I had to take some measurements to actually make sure a couple times. I thought he was moving but wasn’t sure.

Did he just? No... wait I think he just....wasn’t he closer to that thing over there or did it move to get it away from him.

I almost was tempted to yell down at him and ask but decided against it, there was something else I needed to do first, lives depended on it!

“Hey  anything swimming downstream swim really fast downstream or swim up above the bridge. Just warning you because the water is about to get really nasty.”

Redbeard stopped and looked up at me.

”When was the last time you bathed,” before he could answer I brought a hand up, “don’t need to know.”

It seemed like he was giving it some thought and then started to turn around. Warning lights and sirens started to go off in my head and I could imagine all of trees and animals crying, I needed to do something before it was too late.


I started to think and only one thing came to mind, the one thing that I knew that would since it had been done to me countless times. The dreaded foot stomp and point technique.

“Where do you think you are going,” I yell down to Redbeard and he kept on turning to go back the way he came. What did I do wrong? Oh yeah.... “Where do you think you are going,” I yell down again followed by a foot stomp and point down to the stream. Redbeard looked at me and it was a test of wills, like thumb war but with each other’s wills. It was a lot cleaner, no thumbs were hurt and no personal zones were crossed.

He looked at me and I returned the look Squinting just a little. Three.....Two....one, we declare a test of wills.

I squinted a little more and Redbeard followed, no imagination what so ever. This went on for a long time, so long that my shadow was there and now it is over there. At some point my hand became wet somehow and I don’t know why . Hoping it was a deer lick and not a possum. On and on and on.... *yawn* Boring....

The mental sound of glass starting to break filled the mental air, one of us was going to break and it wasn’t going.... SHATTER! In my mind I could picture Redbeard flying backwards but no matter what I knew that wasn’t going to happen, mental physics people. I pulled my hand back, lifted my foot and then swung my hand out and pointed as I stomped again, “Now.”

Redbeard turned back to stream again and I did an imaginary fist pump, “Yay!”

[Catherine]

I could feel the sun on my cheeks as I leaned against the railings of the bridge the birds finally singing because they do not have to hold their breathes, well the ones down by the river do still and I hope anything swimming in the river took my wanting and beat fee..... no. Um flippers, fins or maybe blow holes to get away from the What was happening down there.

“Remember to wash behind your eyes,”� I call down not wanting to look at all, the image of what I saw under the kilt still burned into my mind. It will be something I will never forget and it will probably give me nightmares. If I remember the charts that I just happen to find in the manual one time I think if I see anymore I run the risk of going blind and that would be a stupid way for that to happen.

“How did it happen?”

“What.”

“You know this.”

“What? Are you pointing at something. You know I am blind and everything,” adjusting my stylish sunglasses.

“Yeah that. What caused it?”

“Yeah what? Caused what? Are you pointing at something again? You know I can’t see you right?”

“Yes I know. What caused you to go blind.”

I look down and take a slow breath, “I accidentally looked at the nether regions moon. It was all white and.  I just stop there and shudder with the thought.

“A nether region moon.”

Slowly I nod, “Yeah it is normally hidden under pants, a dress, a towel or something like that. I was just minding my own business looking around when WHOOSH! Up flew a kilt and there it was the nether region moon. Blindly bright in all of its milkiness. There was no warnings just flash and darkness.”

“Poor thing.”

I nod, “Yeah..... hey who is laughing?”

So yeah no looking down, this monkey girl learned the first time. Never look at the nether region moon, either on purpose or by accident.

“How are you doing down there,”  I call out again as I looked up into the sky and the clouds slowly floating by, Hey that one looks like a banana and that one a turtle and there is a witch on a broomstick and hey a cloud that looks like a cloud.

I heard a grumble I think and I nodded, “Good dry off and remember the saying “˜leaves of three and you will  itch in the most embarrassing locations.””

Grumble Grumble.