THE BEST THING EVER: Week 10!

[Noelle]

TBTE: Week 10

QUARTERS NEXT WEEK. This is the final pre-elimination round for the first quarter! Thanks for sticking with me so far and hopefully we'll have some fresh new voters for the coming weeks to add to the decision-making. The more, the merrier!



This week, a battle of the horns. I've decided to use a format I think many of you will be familiar with. Enjoy.

Unicorns vs. Narwhals


Let me tell you something about my BFF, the unicorn -- This dude's getting more ladies than a "foxy grandpa" hat -- and you know those fine-ass bitches are virginal! Whoa, back the fuck up -- Did you just say that unicorn blood resurrects the shit out of you? That's right. You got some fool popping his gun like he's big shit 'cause you stole his ho, but surprise, just when he thinks he's got you good, you crack open a can of silver fucking unicorn blood and show him what the fuck is up.



Do you see this brotha's swag? A white, flowing, Pantene-worthy mane, the power to shit marshmallows and piss rainbows on the heads of small children...The downside is, you're kind of a pussy, but goddammit, you're a majestic pussy. And you're still getting more ass than that sea-clone, the narwhal, and isn't that what really matters?


On the other hand, we have the narwhal. That punk-ass bitch, the unicorn, doesn't actually exist, but the narwhal -- this guy's very much real and ready to skewer your organs and make a delicious kebab of your entrails. He doesn't need any fairy dust to make sure shit gets real, real fast.



That's right, this sea-thug is the kind of shit you make toys out of so little kids learn to simultaneously fear and respect. You ask your kid: what do you want to be when you grow up, Billy? A fucking narwhal, he says. And then you slap him across the mouth because he's a bitch and bitches are a blatant disrespect to this gangsta's roll.

Still don't understand? Imagine you get one of those bitch seals, catch it selling ditchweed as chronic like you ain't wise to the streets, throw his weak ass in the pen for a few years to harden up, and then let it loose with a shank on its forehead all strung up like the man's gettin' him down. This beast can impale your mother and swim off with her while you're left on some weak-ass ice floe all like WUT HAPPENED MANG. And that water is fucking cold. Like the narwhal's heart. Know what I'm sayin'? You can't roll in the Arctic like this dawg can.



Think you've got an awesome idea? Submit new ideas for future pairings! (and read about how the game works, if you're confused!)



LAST WEEK'S RESULTS:

Five more minutes...Five more minutes of what?
Man's greatest dilemma has been answered, and it seems the answer is clear:

Five more minutes in bed: 70% (7)
Five more minutes in the shower: 30% (3)



Previous weeks:
Week 9
Week 8
Week 7
Week 6
Week 5
Week 4
Week 3
Week 2
Week 1

[Aiden]

Narwhal straight up for one wish I know will never happen. I want one of these horn sporting whales to hop out of the water and impale anyone from the show whale wars, because that would be straight up gangsta. Preferably the fat captain guy, the Aussie guy is alright.

[Noelle]

WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?



A narwhal sporting a monocle...and a UNICORN WITH A CAPE? What has this world come to?!

[Underneath]

Wow!  Did you draw that just for this?  That's awesome :D

[Noelle]

I did not, actually! Found it on a Google search, I'm not sure who the artist is. Thoughts for future art pieces, however...

[Remiel]

CAPTION:

"Have at you, Baron von Narwhal!" cried Captain Unicorn.  "Your saucy suave badassery is no match for my bionic hooves, which were made from the bodies of dead superheros dipped in solid gold!"

"Curses!" roared Baron von Narwhal.  "Foiled again!"

"My hero!" swooned the baby velociraptor.

[Noelle]

^ Quite possibly one of the best stories ever written by man. I shed a singular tear at its literary prowess. You, my good man, are a gentleman and a scholar.


In the meantime, you guys should tell me what you think the best thing ever is. Don't even need a pairing. Just tell me what you think the best thing in the whole wide universe is!

[Noelle]

Five hours to determine the fate of this week's matchup!