Dealing with Depression ~ A Personal Point of View

[Oreo]

That is good news indeed, M13. I hope the improvements continue and you feel renewed.

[Rhedyn]

That's good to hear M13. Keeping you in my thoughts.

[Remiel]

Good to hear it, buddy.  Hang in there and we'll be here when you get back.

[marauder13]

More dispatches from the foxhole.

Well... things are going great for me right now. My medication lvels have been adjusted - DOWN - and I haven't felt so good in a long time. I have got a good number of good habits going, along with a resilience for when those habits are disrupted, so they still keep going.

Plus, on a recent home visit (yay for being a good lad & having pemission tto leave hospital grounds), my lads were behaving in a way that would have me being rather angry with them if it happened before going into hospital. But rather than losing my temper, I remained alm and dealt with it in a constructive manner. Not just once, but three times in that visit.

My self confidence is growing too, and my muse has come back, and has been making my life hard trying to get all the ideas for game replies out all at once. I am going to bee in a writing frenzy when I get back home.


Once more, to everyone who has shown their support, thank you. Each message brings a smile to my face, and reminds me of what a special place Elliquiy is.

[Verasaille]

Many cheers to you and I hope you have a speedy recovery. I admire anyone who admits they have a problem and deals with it in the proper way.

[Rhedyn]

I'm so pleased to hear that M13! It sounds like you're making some amazing progress and I hope that you continue to feel better all round.

Thank you for keeping us posted on how you're doing <3

[Remiel]

More dispatches from the foxhole.

Well... things are going great for me right now. My medication lvels have been adjusted - DOWN - and I haven't felt so good in a long time. I have got a good number of good habits going, along with a resilience for when those habits are disrupted, so they still keep going.

Plus, on a recent home visit (yay for being a good lad & having pemission tto leave hospital grounds), my lads were behaving in a way that would have me being rather angry with them if it happened before going into hospital. But rather than losing my temper, I remained alm and dealt with it in a constructive manner. Not just once, but three times in that visit.

My self confidence is growing too, and my muse has come back, and has been making my life hard trying to get all the ideas for game replies out all at once. I am going to bee in a writing frenzy when I get back home.


Once more, to everyone who has shown their support, thank you. Each message brings a smile to my face, and reminds me of what a special place Elliquiy is.

That is brilliant.  If I may ask, what differences do you see in yourself now vs. before you checked yourself in?  What do you think was the cause of that?

[HarleyGirl]

I used to suffer from depression, it was a constant little black/grey cloud over me since I was 12 or so. On the third month of a 100%, no cheating, not ever, gluten free diet it lifted and buggered off. I was shocked and not expecting it at all but of course I’ve been ecstatic. My therapist said that meds can take 3 months to cycle completely into the brain so it makes sense that poison would take 3 months to cycle out. 

It has been 5 years now since I kicked that cloud to the curb and it only sticks its face to the window if I get cross contaminated but I know it for what it is and that it will pass in a few days so the dynamic is much different.

I hope this little story helps someone along the way. You never know if your depression could be related to something you eat every day and think is innocent. I loved pizza, beer, and brownies but I love being happier so much more. 

[BAMF]

https://youtu.be/K6ACzT6PCDw

[Remiel]

Yet another reason to love Wil Wheaton.   Thank you, BAMF, for sharing this.

Something he said in the video really struck a resonant chord with me: when he said, "[After being on treatement for a couple weeks] I just realized that I don't feel bad.  I just realized that I'm not [just merely] existing and living."

That's the thing about depression.  Perhaps the most insidious thing about it is that, when you've lived with it for so long, it becomes normal for you.  You get used to feeling hopeless, to feeling bleak and cheerless all the time.  You get used to making up excuses in order to avoid social situations because you dread having the thought of interacting socially with other people.   You get used to sleepwalking through life instead of seeing yourself as capable of making changes, of making things better for yourself. 

I remember once, in college, waking up one day to feel hopeful, to feel like the future was going to be okay, that the things I'd been worrying about weren't necessarily all that bad and that things would eventually work out, that people would like me if I'd just put in the effort.  And then I thought: I wonder if this is how  people feel all the time.

Depression isn't feeling sad.  Depression is never feeling happy.

[Reia]

That's the thing about depression.  Perhaps the most insidious thing about it is that, when you've lived with it for so long, it becomes normal for you.  You get used to feeling hopeless, to feeling bleak and cheerless all the time.  You get used to making up excuses in order to avoid social situations because you dread having the thought of interacting socially with other people.   You get used to sleepwalking through life instead of seeing yourself as capable of making changes, of making things better for yourself.

Wow. This resonates so well with me. Thank you for putting into words what I've been trying to articulate for years.

[Verasaille]

That was very good! I like Will Wheaten. And yes it is true. I imagine there are a lot of people who are depressed that never get any help, because they don't know that they don't have to feel that way.

Drugs are something I hesitate to even think about though. Too much chance of abuse and addiction, which can lead to even more problems. I know some people would benefit from them, but it is not an exact science. In spite of all the research, some drugs are not compatible with some people, and can make things worse.

[Remiel]

Drugs are something I hesitate to even think about though. Too much chance of abuse and addiction, which can lead to even more problems. I know some people would benefit from them, but it is not an exact science. In spite of all the research, some drugs are not compatible with some people, and can make things worse.

That is why it is important that they are taken only in conjunction with therapy from a qualified psychologist/psychiatrist.  Drugs alone won't solve the problem.  But they can help.

I look at it like this:  when there's a problem with your body, no one has any problem going to the doctor.  So why is there such a stigma when we go to one when there's something wrong with the mind?

[BAMF]

On the topic of drugs - I was on Prozac for a year or so before I stopped taking it (it was definitely a thing of, "oh, look, I'm better, I don't need these anymore" and I should get back into it, but I digress).

I think there's sort of this misconception that Prozac are "happy pills," that you take it and suddenly colors are brighter and birds are singing and helping with your housework and everything is a technicolor cartoon. But that is absolutely not my experience at all. When I was on Prozac, and after my body adjusted to the dosage, it wasn't, "Oh, I'm happy, everything is hunky-dory," it was, "Oh, I'm not having those really really really low days."

It acted more as a stabilizer than anything. Like, unmedicated, it's a lot of really really low lows. Prozac just sorta got me to a point where my lows weren't the huge pits of despair and 'woe is me, life sucks, it'll never get better.' I still had to rely on my own sense of, "Let's do stuff today, let's be productive, let's get shit done and not just sleep all day or read the same five pages over and over because we can't be fucked to concentrate." It definitely didn't do the work for me, it was more a barrier against the overwhelming feelings of wanting to die or give up or just...cry at the world and feel sorry for myself.

Of course every body reacts differently to different medications, etc etc, but I really dislike the "Oh, Prozac (or insert any anti-depressant) is just a happy pill," thing. Because it's really, really not.

[BAMF]

Also, thinking back, I'm fairly sure it was longer than a year - maybe 2-3? I remember being on it for a good chunk of the period between 16 and 18-19?

[Verasaille]

I understand some people have a chemical imbalance to start with or an inability to assimilate or use the things most people think are just mood enhancers. For me coffee is my drug of choice. Even there, it is addicting. I know I just have really bad headaches when I don't get my caffeine, but I also know it raises my blood pressure which is bad for me.

I have cut it down to where I make one cup of weak coffee in the beginning of the day and have another cup around dinner time. I can't drink it too late or I can't get to sleep. I used to make it a lot stronger, but I get the nervous twitches if I drink too much.

I know my signs of depression, for myself. Not anywhere near the levels I have seen in others, but it is there. When I am mildly depressed, I have trouble sleeping and tend to snack on comfort foods (chocolate works good). The more depressed I get the less sleep and less appetite I have. That leads to long wide awake nights after going all day without eating.  I have to literally force myself to eat something. 

[Remiel]

On the topic of drugs - I was on Prozac for a year or so before I stopped taking it (it was definitely a thing of, "oh, look, I'm better, I don't need these anymore" and I should get back into it, but I digress).

I think there's sort of this misconception that Prozac are "happy pills," that you take it and suddenly colors are brighter and birds are singing and helping with your housework and everything is a technicolor cartoon. But that is absolutely not my experience at all. When I was on Prozac, and after my body adjusted to the dosage, it wasn't, "Oh, I'm happy, everything is hunky-dory," it was, "Oh, I'm not having those really really really low days."

It acted more as a stabilizer than anything. Like, unmedicated, it's a lot of really really low lows. Prozac just sorta got me to a point where my lows weren't the huge pits of despair and 'woe is me, life sucks, it'll never get better.' I still had to rely on my own sense of, "Let's do stuff today, let's be productive, let's get shit done and not just sleep all day or read the same five pages over and over because we can't be fucked to concentrate." It definitely didn't do the work for me, it was more a barrier against the overwhelming feelings of wanting to die or give up or just...cry at the world and feel sorry for myself.

Of course every body reacts differently to different medications, etc etc, but I really dislike the "Oh, Prozac (or insert any anti-depressant) is just a happy pill," thing. Because it's really, really not.

That is exactly my experience as well.   90% of the time it made no difference whatsoever, but I did notice I had less "today seems especially hopeless, fuck-it-I'm-staying-in-bed" days.

[marauder13]

Final dipatches from the foxhole!!!!


But first, a rsponse to something said earlier...

On the topic of drugs - I was on Prozac for a year or so before I stopped taking it (it was definitely a thing of, "oh, look, I'm better, I don't need these anymore" and I should get back into it, but I digress).

I think there's sort of this misconception that Prozac are "happy pills," that you take it and suddenly colors are brighter and birds are singing and helping with your housework and everything is a technicolor cartoon. But that is absolutely not my experience at all. When I was on Prozac, and after my body adjusted to the dosage, it wasn't, "Oh, I'm happy, everything is hunky-dory," it was, "Oh, I'm not having those really really really low days."

It acted more as a stabilizer than anything. Like, unmedicated, it's a lot of really really low lows. Prozac just sorta got me to a point where my lows weren't the huge pits of despair and 'woe is me, life sucks, it'll never get better.' I still had to rely on my own sense of, "Let's do stuff today, let's be productive, let's get shit done and not just sleep all day or read the same five pages over and over because we can't be fucked to concentrate." It definitely didn't do the work for me, it was more a barrier against the overwhelming feelings of wanting to die or give up or just...cry at the world and feel sorry for myself.

Of course every body reacts differently to different medications, etc etc, but I really dislike the "Oh, Prozac (or insert any anti-depressant) is just a happy pill," thing. Because it's really, really not.

Anti-depressant medication is a stabilizer. which means no only do you not have really crap days, you don't get really good days either. They reduce the amount of fluctuation, in both directions. That is something a lot of people don't understand. Also, the heavier the dosage, the more restricted the fluctuations.

I know this from first hand, recent experience. (On to the dispatch part) While in hospital, I have had my anti-depressant medication reduced to 40% of what is was before coming in. I have not felt so good in at least a decade. I have self confidence and self worth I can feel. I am doing things - good things - that I either didn't care about, or was too scared to even try. I have dealt with situations with my boys where I remained calm when I used to lose my temper badly.

This Friday morning (AEST), I am heading home as the person I once was decades ago. I know and I am ready for the bad days, the low days and other similar days that will come. Those are parts of life and are not signs that things have gone wrong. My mood has ebbed and flowed since the level change, but it has been reasonable, and I know why they have happened too.


But back to medication. For me, they serve a purpose in kepin me stable while other long term therapies take root, so I can deal with issues better, and get my baseline mood in the proper place to make my life livable again.


Final note : I fucking hate this bluetooth keyboard, and can't wait to type on a real keyboard at a real computer again.

[BAMF]

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better, M13!! I've missed talking to you.

And yes, that is something I forgot to mention. I know when I was on too much Prozac (before they lowered my dosage), I remember feeling sorta like life was a fog. And I was a bit of a robot, sorta floating along in the middle and had a really hard time being excited about things. Or caring about things. Lots of apathy.

[Oreo]

So glad to hear things are going so well M13. ;D

I was on Prozac for a time too, but because of my Meniere's we were incompatible. I slept through most of the first three months (18+ hours a day). Then they started making my dizzy spells worse. The dizzies where what was causing the depression to begin with. In the end I am going with will power to get through the low times. I know they won't last forever. That is enough to let myself rest under a rock and climb out when I feel the twitches of a natural smile.

[Rhedyn]

I thought these were great when I saw them and wanted to share: Real Monsters ~ Mental illness monsters by artist Toby Allen. Depression is in there among others.

[Keiro]

*makes note to get himself checked...*

Probably long past time I got it done, but... eh.

[marauder13]

Bloody hell, I am a slack bugger at times.

Well, I have been home for over a week now from my stay at the local Mental Health Hospital. During my time there, my anti-depressant medication levels was dropped from 50mg to 20mg of the active agent, and I have not felt this good, as a baseline, for over a decade. I have also managed to shed somewhere between 8 & 10 kgs (17 ~ 22 lbs), though I am not entirely certain about the amount weight loss. I now have a starting point to track that, so I feel that another aspect of my overall health is heading in the right direction.

Of course, returning to the environment that was most of the cause/reason for going into hospital in the first place has done what I expect to happen - play havoc with my plans and new routines & habits. But... I have maintained more than have been disrupted, and even if something was missed for a day or two, I have managed to get back to it. All the prep work to ready myself for things not going as smoothly as I wanted has paid off, and I am confident that I can adapt things to work in my overall advantage.

Even the normal triggers that would set off my temper have not once set me off, or even come close. Indee the entire household seems to be a whole lot calmer since I have got back, which reinforces the fact that I did do the right thing (not that there was any doubt in the first place), but for a lot more reasons than I had initially.


So, things are going well for me, post hospital visit. I want to thank everyone who visits here regularly that left messages for me here, or privately, while I was getting help. It really made me feel good reading all those messages, and the thoughts behind them. Elliquiy is indeed made up of some fantastic people, and I am happy to be a part of a damn fine community such as this.

[Verasaille]

Glad to see you better!!

[Rhedyn]

I'm so pleased to hear that, M13! It sounds like you laid down some great foundations for change and I really wish you all the best in maintaining them. You've been in my thoughts during all this and I'm really grateful that you have kept us posted on your progress. You're an inspiration!