Tails of Monkey - Hey Adventure is still waiting

[Catherine]

Back to the race.... There we were racing neck and really thick neck up the side of the mountain. Neither of us getting the better of each other. It was actually kind of fun since I didn’t have to hold my nose and sound funny when I talked or worry about gagging on the smell. Although Redbeard had to put up with the cute and adorable riding next to him, so a win on his part.

Both of us came around a large boulder in the path at the same time and it wasn’t hard to miss what was coming up or more like wasn’t coming up. The path was missing!!!

There was no time to pause and wait for a bridge to be made. You don’t wait for bridges in a middle of a race. Bridges were for not racers or for people that had done something to gravity like try to  defy it. Gravity doesn’t like that kind of stuff and holds grudges forever and a day.

In that moment if you were sitting there you would see the amazing, well sort of amazing. Two large objects shooting out into the no path area and somehow make it all while someone yelling “Yehaaaa.”

Hey I had to do that since they do it on tv whenever they do impossible jumps over rivers, really wide openings or in buses. How could a bus make a sixty foot jump going only thirty five miles per hour? I mean come on there is something called physics people.  Let’s do the physics. Bus that weighs a lot moving at a not that fast speed equals no way it can make a sixty foot jump without the use of ramps, cranes and rocket engines.

Here I can draw you a graph too. See this rectangle is the bus and it is moving at this slow speed. Now it hits the end of the bridge and crash BOOM! No hey we are flying and laughing at gravity. A clear and distinct BOOM!

But you see made it because no busses. *smile* oh and the story called for it. The dramatic jump across a really large gap to steal the reader’s breath away.

“Are they going to make it? Oh my monkey”mchew nails. Chew nails.

It would have been pretty anti-climatic if we fell and BOOM! Also not much of a race top. So jump, so good lighting and land. A small cloud of dirt later and we are off racing to the top and the smoke pouring out above.

[Catherine]

You know what they say, when you see smoke there is usually pillaging, dragon or something that is running around on fire. Okay they don’t actually say that but in would be cannon here to be honest, it is Norse land. Something like the mouse land, name not said so copyright cops don’t show up in black helicopters which wouldn’t be cannon here, just with more horns, missing teeth and headbutts. What would you think if you saw the mouse go up to a kid and cheerfully say, “Hey kids” then headbutt the kid?

“I love you Mr. Mo...” thunk of unconscious body hitting the ground.

“Do you think you can handle this,” I asked Weiner after leaning close to his ear to stay stream lined, “It is just like walking on hot coals but more slippery.”

OINK!

“Good because I don’t want you to burn your bacon.”

OINK!

“Yeah sorry wrong choice of words there. Apology accepted or will I be carrying you across the hot stuff?”

OINK.

“Thank you,” I answer giving Weiner a hug. Suddenly the ground started to rumble forcing me to hug Him harder. Rumbling earth isn’t good. I look up towards the top of the mountain and didn’t see anything good. Well smoke.... but the stuff flying out of the smoke like lava balls!

Not good..... what is the rule again for lava balls? I needed to know since one seemed like it took a liking to me.

Not good level whatever!!!!

Need to think. Need to think. Burning ball of lava + me = a lot of screaming and I don’t like that math.

Think. Think. Think.

[Catherine]

In my head, I could hear someone singing, "If I could turn back time..." and some other words but it didn't really matter since I have never heard this woman before. How she got in my head sent shivers down my back and not the good ones either. The ones that you start to question if there is some door somewhere that people can step though a door and be in my brain. Which sounds like it could be an interesting movie idea. I would do all of the legal stuff so somebody else couldn't snag the idea but I got a lava ball heading towards me and a hill next to me so not a good time to call a lawyer, get papers written up and then sign them.

My signature wouldn't be good and I am not sure if the person who would have to notarize it can ride. I doubt they could run and keep up too.  A lot of huffing and puffing. Possible tripping and falling followed by possible trampling. Which is never good to be honest, like extreme deep massage but more ow and I think that isn't suppose to pop out or move that way.

So where was I?  Oh yeah, balls of lava.

I hear another voice in my head "great balls of....."

Stop! What is this? Is my brain full of musicians ready to sing little snippets of their songs when I am thinking of something that is close? If there is, i need to be careful from now on and when did this start? Was it that one guy's doing? Lowball..... Sound to low..... Laura.... had to do with a door I think...... latch..... doorknob... keyhole.... I think that was close....turnkey.... Ah there it is low key.

If he put musicians in my head and they keep me up all night I swear I will turn wiener around and shoot him dirty looks while stomping  my foot so he knows I am not kidding.

It's a small, I start to think and I hear the song that will make green men cry start in my head. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My limbs start to lock up and my heart starts to race. I already start to feel my hands start to get clammy and I don't remember picking any clams up.


"Its a small small world..."

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I try to stop the singing in my head as I start to slip off of Wiener. I needed to do it or I would be lost. Like some ring in some movie and some creepy little thing keeps calling me precious.

"Why don't you like sitting on my finger precious."

"Look at your fingers, that should be a good enough answer."

"Precious is pretty and would be prettier on my finger."

"What is the thing with me being on your finger?"

"Precious is funny, would Precious like to hear a riddle?"

'Um okay well..... um..... sure."

"What is pretty and would look prettier on my finger?"

"Ugh, here is a ring. It is pretty and it has some weird writing on and I think I hear a voice in my head when I wear it telling me to do stuff. But I don't fall for peer pressure and it is just a ring so I tell it no. You take it and if tells you to drink milk from the frog, get a glass. "

"My precious...."

"Yes and if you lose it, it is your fault."

"My precious....."

See! I don't want that, I need to find something to keep me from falling and then getting hit by the lava ball too.

Think. Think. Think.

Boink! Think I got something....... Mwhahaha.

[Catherine]

I do the opposite of what you would think I... Well anyone would do when they hear the song repeating over and over in their head and not knock my head over and over against Wiener crying for it to stop.  Begging and saying something about giving of a right arm to make it stop but I like my right arm, quite attached to it in fact so big giving it up any time soon.

What I do is focus on the singing, the words, and voices that are at first cheerful but soon you hear the hidden meaning of them and that meaning is dark. I would tell you it here but it is so dark you wouldn't be able to see the words and you would run away laughing wildly with your hands in the air. It is sort of like the messages that are hidden on records that can be heard when you rotate them backward.

My grampy showed me one once, a record, big and plastic-looking. Like a plate but flat. Also If you put food on a record you get yelled at. Oh and don't use them as frisbees, just a little note for those who get to see a record and start to get an urge to pick it up and throw it.

Anyways my grampy let me listen to the record for a little while and then.... the. He put his finger on it and started to spin it backward. Between all the scratching I actually heard words, "Eat more Abner's pies. You can find them at any store."  My jaw dropped when I heard this dark message and I finally realized why I always had a yearning for pies after hearing Grampy play this song.

Anyway two, I imagined the singing and I took it to the next level and imagined the singers. Not human ones because no human would sing a song like what I was hearing being sung in my head.

"Its a small small world..."

My grip starts to loosen as the music starts to overtake me and I shake my head trying to focus, "No, you will not take me...."rowl and hiss..I focused harder and the singers came into view, their little round heads and painted faces with a perpetual smile and blank look on their faces, that sent you mixed messages. Should I be happy or should I just not care?

Those painted faces changed to one of shock when they heard the sound of a chainsaw starting up after a couple pulls followed by laughter.  "I will show you small!"

[scene censored because just because.]

I pushed over the last of the wooden nightmares with a foot. My arms were tired but it was worth it, my chainsaw was hungry that day and now it wasn't. If it could burp, my chainsaw would. I breathed hard as I looked around wildly trying to see if any of those wooden auto-tuned 'singers'.

"You will never make a grown man cry ever again," said tossing the chainsaw back, its blade sinking into the ground like some sword in a stone.

With a blink, I was back under control, and with my strength returned. I combed back on top of Weiner.

"That was a close one," told him and Wiener motioned tears the sky. I looked up to see the lava ball getting closer and closer.

"Oh come on...."

[Catherine]

I landed with ease, tail whipping up behind me as we continued to race forward. Both laughing and crying in my head, laughing because I beat the ball of lava and crying because of my shoe..... I cry "Why??" But I knew why, stupid ball of lava and it heading towards me. Can't patch third-degree shoe burn. *tear* Thankfully it doesn't smell like my brother’s shoe, just as bad as stinkbomb before his bath. He told me that he didn’t clean them since they were his lucky shoes, the only luck they had was making sure that everyone stayed away when you wore them.  I even saw water and dirt pull away from his shoes. That is how nasty they were! Ick!

*note to self - self need to find a new pair of favorite shoes. Preferably that looks exactly the same as the ones I have on now minus the burn. End note to self.*

We continued upwards and I patted Wiener on the side, “If that is the worst the volcano can throw at us we don’t have to worry.”

Suddenly a loud RAWR!!!!!! filled the air and I let my head fall back. Great.....

“I said throw not fly out! Two different things that are easily mistaken.”

RAWR!!!!!!!!!

Note a ball of lava I think...

[Catherine]

I can tell by the RAWR that whatever is making that sound isn't good for me, not good for a lot of people probably. Pretty sure there is going to be a lot of running, screaming and "Why us?" coming soon. If I had to guess by the sound of the RAWR I would say it is a dragon and not a small one.

You might be asking yourself, "How does Monkey know it is a dragon by just the rawr?" I would answer you that it is simple really and I didn't have to get the manual out. Take that manual, I didn't have to refer to you about something.

You see the RAWR had certain characteristics in it making it easier to identify.

The first was the sound of the RAWR, it had a definite living breathing I need to breathe vocalization to it. Creatures made of let's say rock have a more raspy, rock-scrapping rock vocalization to it. You know the nails across the chalkboard effect. Now at first I did think that it was a lava monster, common in volcanos and not so common in let’s say the freezer section of a local grocery store but I didn’t hear the standard sound you hear with creatures made of slime, gloop, jello, or even boogers, that is the blorping popping sounds accompanying the RAWR.  They are easy to miss to be honest unless you have a trained ear and while mine are cute they are trained.

Hmmm... I would say if you want to learn what the blorping popping sound sounds like getting a big bowl of jello and putting it up to your mouth and scream into it.  Go ahead.....  you hear that? It is really subtle but it is there. Hear it? You might have to practice more, I practiced at every meal until I learned.

The second thing is what I like to call the neck effect. Those without necks like booger beings cannot get the effect no matter what they do. Let me try to explain, hmm...... Okay, a neck adds a slight reverb to a RAWR the longer the neck the bigger the reverb and well..... Ask yourself this, have you heard a giraffe RAWR, now you know why you haven't. If they tried, their head would.... not a pretty sight. The rawr would start and then pop and splat. Now I heard the neck effect and could hear that reverb was pretty long and that led me to dragon since they have the necessary neck muscles to not go splat.

Thirdly the RAWR had that flame-grilled effect on it. So of course it pointed to something with fire.

Now if I had to guess I would guess that it is a red dragon for several reasons,I could list them but that would be useless and really all I need to do is point since the dragon just erupted out of the cloud, red scales and all.  I told you red dragon! Not going to do a proud pose now, wouldn’t feel right especially since I would be becoming a briquet or lunch if I did and yeah no.  Neither of those sounds good so run!!!! Not that way! The other way.....

[Catherine]

This race had become something more than just a simple race. Going from being stinked out to balls of lava to forcing a hill to wash itself. It was like some twisted death race without all of the death, which is nice since it is so screeching halt come to an end and the only end I want in a race is at the end. Where crowds are cheering and there is a ribbon to run through, and finally the jumping up and down in the air as you punch the air, "I did it, Adrienne!"

Of course, you have to worry about hitting the kids that somehow appear as you head to the finish line while the "Ear of the lion" song plays. You feel a little less winner when you make little Timmy or Sally cry. Of course, all of the kids look around when you yell Adrienne trying to figure out who they are talking to since none of them are Adrienne.

*ninja girl note - I hear it is actually required that you yell "I did it, Adrienne!" After running and listening to "Ear of the lion". Especially after running up steps and nearly passing out. You will sound more like, "Huh Huh I Huh Huh did it Huh I think Huh Huh Adrienne Huh Huh Medic! I think one of my lungs popped and my heart is trying to escape! Oh and my legs are numb!"

I looked up at the lava ball and kept an eye on it since I didn't have to worry about Wiener, he was set to automatic,

Oink!

Okay, how about cruise control?

Oink!

We will have to figure something out later, okay? The whole ball of lava heading right toward us I think is more important since it could burn our bacon

OINK!

Sorry..... bad choice of words there. Anyway it is coming in hot and something needs to be done before BOOM and it burns......

An idea comes to mind quickly thankfully and I push myself up onto my feet. It wasn't going to be smartest for a couple of reasons and it will be anti-climatic but it will get the job done and may, may..... get a "Oh wow".

I stand there for a moment, my tail waving in the wind as Weiner and myself keep moving forward. Then I crouch and jump, the whole time as I fly up towards the lava ball I chant "this is stupid" over and over. With a spin and a flip, I spin upside down and my foot heading towards the lava ball. Oh, I forgot..... need to yell something to make this work.

"Ninja monkey girl lava ball that will burn and stuff kick of I don't want to be hit!"

Time freezes when foot meets lava ball, cameras flash, and everything to catch the moment. Even one of those cameras that spin around and catch the subject at all angles in a second. For a moment I thought I had done some miscalculations but whew, monkey beats ball and the lava ball went shooting off in another direction. Towards some orcs I think, it is sort of hard to tell being upside down and all, heading towards some elves making s'mores. Which is not canon.

"Look out below," I yell followed by ow ow ow ow ow followed by landing back on Weiner and continuing the race. A lone tear runs down my cheek as I realize I just ruined my favorite pair of shoes.

*tear*

[Catherine]

I should feel bad probably and you are probably slowly shaking your head with what I just did. Think of it like this, how many monkey girls have you heard about fighting a dragon. I am pretty sure it is none, not because we cannot be heroes or anything. Phfpt, That is just a title and most of the time it goes to people with capes or are really rich and can buy the title. I could easily defeat the dragon but yeah *yawn* why take all of the fun away from Redbeard and I didn't pack my aloe vera. Important to have that when fighting fire things, especially when those things can create third-degree burns. Hard to stop, drop and roll to put out the fire when more fire comes, followed by teeth and claws.

Now think again, how many dwarves do you know that have fought a dragon? Tons really I mean there are movies and books on it. Dwarves come in with axes and stuff and eventually headbutt the dragon. Literally, I think, I mean they like stones and rocks. Some in a more unhealthy way I think. Ways above the rating of this story to be honest. Screens go dark when it gets to those scenes and all that can be heard is the sound of sweet rock on rock. That and they are more built for that, I think they are immune to fire and burning, I hear they like being tossed too so really a dragon is good for them. Burn yay! Toss bigger yay! A little chewage and even more yay!

So, in reality, I am giving Redbeard something he really likes. "You can send me a thank card later," I yell out as I slip into my fire-resistant gear a safe distance away. Not going to miss this for the world.

[Catherine]

With popcorn in hand I sat back and watched as Redbeard raced forward either oblivious to the dragon or really didn't care about it.  Maybe he is one of those type of dwarves that literally laughs in the faces of dragons or something.

"Ha Ha, your fire breath is tickling me, but thank you It is saving me from a bath and it is burning off the fleas."

"What is this acid? I drink stronger things than this!"

"You call that a toxic cloud? I will show you a toxic cloud, let me go get some milk."

Maybe he will just reach up and grab the dragon and smack it around. Then toss it to the side when he is done, "You are lucky I don't need boots!"

Who knows, the suspense is killing me and with the 3D glasses on everything looks so dimensional. Almost like I can reach out and pinch the dragon's cheek which is a big no no. That is not something dragons like done at all. Villages are burned to the ground and princesses sacrificed for something like that. It is clearly written, underlined and highlighted in the adventurers guide on what not to do with dragons, top of the list really. A lot of adventurers forget this I think and that is why there is a lot of running and screaming from dragon's lairs.

"Beat feet! Sir Ryan pinched the dragon's cheek!"

"Oh god we are doomed! Why did he do that for I thought we were just here for the gold and treasure."

"I don't know, we were doing fine. The dragon was asleep and everything then suddenly Sir Pinch a Cheek stopped everything and pinched the dragon's cheek. Didn't you hear the roar?"

"Yes but I thought that was Moemorn the dwarf, he had big bowl of beans this morning and I thought it had caught up to him."

"No dragon. We even tried to stop Sir You are just the cutest little lizard but his strength is high and we kept rolling low. "

"What? That doesn't make any sense."

"Never mind, I will explain it later just run!!!!"

Right below that is 'No wedgies' which I haven't figured out yet since dragons don't wear pants or anything. So how? Before you start drawing diagrams or anything that is tmi and on a need to know basis. I don't need to know at all. I don't ever plan to get close enough to wedgie a dragon, the closest I will get is a nervous smile, laugh followed by "What is that?" and then a monkey-shaped cloud.

Redbeard and the dragon kept getting closer and closer. Any minute now something was going to happen and it might cause a mushroom cloud in the end, I mean come o one hill and one dragon there has to be a mushroom cloud or something.

"This is going to be good," I said before plopping some popcorn into my mouth and chewing. "Going to be good."

[Catherine]

I didn't think it was possible to be honest, I thought hills needed to be attached to the ground but what I was seeing said otherwise, more on that to come in a moment. Sort of jumped ahead of myself and everything, I blame that on the wow factor and popcorn I almost choked on. *cough cough* It went down the wrong pipe. Let's get back to the scene and away from the possible Heimlich moment.

There are things you sort of expect to happen sometimes. The sun will rise in the morning so the birds will start to sing and my brother comes out of the cave called his room.  When you drink a banana milkshake a certain monkey girl will become very happy. Have a told you that they are good? What I have? Mmmmm.... like banana gold. There are other things to, like zombies and their need for brains. Not like they will use them after they nom on them.  The whole nomming sort of defeats the whole brain is used for thinking thing and makes it more brain delicacy thing, any moment you will get the urge to ask others if they have any grey pouppon. Adds a little color to the gray matter.

Where was I? On things expected and stuff. Well I was expected Redbeard to turn tail and run or maybe even hide behind a rock or a stone. What I didn't expect was Redbeard to jump off of the ground with Forticurtu and yelling. Not a yell of fear or being scared but one of "come get some' or "you call that a roar? I will show you a roar!'

Anyways up he and, yelling with both arms up ready to punch in a rage like fashion. How he kept Forticurtu between his legs I don't know and I don't want to know. From where I was I didn't see any bulging of eyes or anything.but up they went towards the dragon. The dragon that had its mouth open which Redbeard was flying towards. My thought was "ding ding lunch” which made me feel really bad for thinking it but look at it.

Subject A is a large flying dragon that breathes fire and has a huge mouth full of teeth. Subject B is a hill riding a dwarf moose. Subject B is flying into Subject A. No matter how you do the math it comes up with lunch time for Subject A. Oops wait forgot to carry the one. Maybe this will change everything. Okay this goes to here and this over there and add this and add the square root of pi and..... still get lunch time with invasion of personal space by sharp pointy things.

"You might want to reconsider this," I yell out, "he has teeth and those will hurt and not a little either."

Of course Redbeard didn't listen and that is when the impossible happened. Right when I thought he was going to become a dwarf nugget, Redbeard grabbed a hold of the dragon's nostrils, ick and did some fancy judo move and flipped the dragon over his back. I don't know how it was done, maybe momentum was used or something. All I know is one moment there was one thing happening and then the next the dragon was flipping over it's back with a loud growl. Which if I loosely translated probably was, "What is happening? I am not suppose to be like this. That ground looks hard. This is going to hurt o think. Not sword or spear hurt but more like wind knock out of you hurt."

Holy moo..... is all I could think as the dragon flipped up, legs and leg arms flailing around in the air. Which is something you do not see everyday. Most of the times you see fire and dragons sweeping down towards villages with lots of people screaming and yelling. Not being hill handled by a hill. Up it went and when it got perfect perfectly vertical it just sat there and then.... oh my monkey!

[insert dramatic pause]

Redbeard threw an arm out and I swear I heard a crowd cheer as he slowly turned around, nodding slowly. The. MEGA THUMP! Redbeard reached up with his free hand, grabbed a hold of the dragon as he kicked one of his legs out and did whatever the wrestling move is called when you slam the person to the ground after holding them up and embarrassing them to a point, that point falling short of pantsing them thankfully.

The ground shook when dragon and hill hit the ground and that isn't an easy thing to shake. Nearly knocking me off Wiener. Thankfully I was quick and got a death grip quickly.

Was this the end? This whole thing couldn't be done already I have popcorn left!

[Catherine]

I tore my eyes off the whole red dragon being body-slammed thing in front of me to look around for a moment. Yeah, the dragon didn't attack anything but the whole slamming thing did do damage. Boulders had been moved just a little, and the house that I didn't see over there *point* looks like it might have fallen on someone with black heels, not sure why you would wear those when walking way up here, striped stockings and a broomstick. Guessing it could be some type of maid that keeps the mountains clean or something. Living by the motto, "A dirty mountain is well a dirty mountain".  Okay, not the most creative but really what could you say really?  Go ahead take a moment.

[pause that quickly becomes awkward thanks to you know things]

Got anything? Oh let me hear them. Not bad. That one is good. Okay, that one is a lemon.  Another good one and the last one is questionable. Not PC friendly, you would have a lot of people asking you over and over what you meant and that they doubt you actually meant that but something else. Something so head-scratching that you actually scratch your head.

Also forgot that the squirrels are hanging off of branches thanks to the whole WHAM and they don't look to happy. They look absolutely nuts! Okay, that was sort of bad. Spur of the moment and my brain was still rattled.

There was a tap, tap, tapping on my shoulder and I looked to see who it was or if it was just someone pulling a joke, mountain shoulder tappers are the worst. They nest up on the side of cliffs and then sneak around tapping hikers on the shoulders and hide. The hikers turn to see who it is and the tappers change signs, rewrite directions, and other things to confuse the hikers even more.

Luckily it was not a tapper by but a tail, specifically the one attached to my butt.

"What is up girl."

My tail answered with a pointing motion that called my attention back to the dragon and Redbeard and I saw the dragon stirring in a not-happy way.

"Round two, ding!"

*flip a piece of popcorn into my mouth as I settle back to watch what is going to happen next. *

FYI, it better not be sand-throwing or kicking because that gets everywhere.

[Catherine]

"Some hills", I whisper to myself as I sit there and watch Redbeard march around the dragon with his hands up liking he was trying to get the crowd all pumped up. Oblivious to the stirring dragon of course. Most wrestlers do that I think, it might be a strange move or something. Grrrrr.... I will slam my opponent down in a move that looks like it will shatter his body but won't really because we trained with each other and then I will walk around him as I look out into the crowd and even ignoring him on the ground when they say look behind you until I get hit by something. Great move. *thumbs up and roll eyes*

"You know it's," I start to say and just stop when Redbeard picks up a log and crushes it against his forehead. He deserved whatever was coming, there could have been a beaver or small furry creature in that log sleeping. One moment zzzzzz and the next moment CRUSH and "What the?!?"

Slowly the dragon pushed itself up, its eyes following Redbeard as he continued to march around it. Stupid.....

*plop popcorn into mouth*

The dragon pushed itself up onto its hind legs which is never a good sign and then smacked its chest with its balled up claws and let out a roar. Which was kind of cool until the corner poles and ropes pushed out of the ground around Redbeard and the dragon. In a blink of an eye everything went dark except for one bright light showing down on the dragon and Redbeard.

You got to be kidding me.

I don't know where but the crowd roared as the dragon climbed up onto the ropes to do some move as Redbeard looked away and raised a hand. Again I think that is another wrestling move, maybe called the "I am an idiot and don't see the obvious." Oh yeah need to make it sound wrestler so..."I am an idiot and don't see the obvious half Nelson."

*plop another piece of popcorn in my mouth*

I would say it is getting good by yeah wrestling.

[insert sarcastic sounding wahoooo]

[Catherine]

What is the move called when you are walking around acting all stupid. Oh yeah I body slammed the opponent, which we trained over and over so he is not really hurt, really good and everything shook. Oh yeah! Oh I forgot to make it wrestle, take a chair and smash it against my face. Oh yeah!

Anyway Redbeard was doing that move still even after I cleared my throat, some would say almost choke on a piece of popcorn but I would say clear the throat and point. Which Redbeard ignored by the way as he still marched around and I am pretty sure looked at the dragon who was on the top rope.

This had to be a set up. No one was that stupid I told myself, no one but it seemed like Redbeard might be, had to be an act.

He walked in a circle again and the crowd cheered even louder. This was getting to be too much. This wasn't climatic or anti-climatic it was just wrestling so I did the one thing that any blue blooded monkey girl would and should do. I yelled, "Scripted!" Over and over again.

Sooner or later something was going to happen. It better be sooner or *yawn* everyone will just tap out from boredom. Hey another wrestling term, I must be getting a fever or something. *rest hand on forehead*

Come on already!

[Catherine]

*Hand to mouth and yawn.

Could this be any more boring..... marching in circles and defying gravity on the top rope. Can that rope even hold a dragon of that size and weight?

RAWR!!!!

Hey sorry.... I didn't mean it like that. The whole safety precautions thing. Don't need them to come running in and giving us warnings and fines for the passing the number of dragons and weight held by the top rope things.

RAWR!!!

I agree, you look for a dragon of your height and indeterminate age.

RAWR!!!

You are welcome.  Anyways are you going to do anything or just hang out up there. Wanted to ask to see if I could take a nap or not.

RAWR!!!

Oh really, then I can wait. Let me get ready.... oh oh and get my phone out so I can capture the moment. Strangely I get reception here.

I push up a little and look around for towers and see nothing but some odd-looking trees with squirrels in it. I think they are Norse squirrels since they have beards and possibly carrying small axes.

Redbeard stopped when I pointed my phone at him and o gave him a smile, "It won't take your soul so don't worry." He nodded, "I know. I am just surprised cat girl can get reception out here."

"I AM NOT A CAT GIRL!"

Behind Redbeard, I could see the dragon flexing right before it jumped with its wings out all wrestler-like.

"You might need another life," I continue pointing behind him with my pinky to be cute. Redbeard turned and SNAP goes the phone to catch that perfect moment of "I should have been paying attention and now I am going to hurt a lot" look.

BLAM and SONIC BOOM!

Red dragon and Redbeard hit with a force that blew a couple of squirrels out of the trees. When the announcer announced that the "Bahumet Buster" was just done I didn't have the faintest. All I know is that whatever was just done looked like it hurt and hurt a lot. Enough to knock the breath out of me!  The two hit the ground with enough force to send me flying off of Weiner.

"Can't you two do something boom and send everything flying like RPS or maybe a thumb war?" I asked as I flew up into the air, "Some of us are a little tired of getting bounced around....."

THUMP!

"Ow my tail."

[Catherine]

This had to be scripted, it just had to be. Redbeard had come up here before and so probably knew the dragon. They might have come to an agreement after a while and put on this show to bore other races to death, I mean scare them no bore them. I mean yeah both laying on the ground after whatever move the dragon pulled off, "off the top rope blazing scales". That was purposefully done in lowercase because look at them!

*point*

They are just laying there and I am pretty sure the dragon didn’t even hit Redbeard. It was more, him slapping himself in the chest to make it sound like they were hitting each other.

"Lame! Not entertaining!"

I toss a few pieces of popcorn into my mouth, chew of course.

"Getting the rotten tomatoes now. Which will stain and make you look all red. Okay, it will not affect the red dragon too much but still tomato stains."

The dragon slowly starts to push himself with one wobbly arm and I look over to Redbeard to see if he was doing anything and he was pushing himself up too. I am pretty sure if I ran out there and took some measurements they were off the ground equally.

*hand to mouth, breathe in and turn up volume.*

"SCRIPTED!"

Okay, that one got me a dirty look from both of them. Probably deserved but Hey I paid good money..... wait no I didn't pay anything for this other than my BOREDOM!

They kept pushing themselves up and I could see them shooting glances at themselves, readjusting how far they were up and anything so they could match each other.

A light bulb went over my head blinding a bird that was flying overhead. With a smile, I leaned over and whispered to Weiner.

"What do you think?"

Oink.

I reached into my bag and pulled out my iPod with a pair of speakers and set them down on Weiner's Head and started to thumb through the songs to find the perfect one.

"This is going to be good...."

That one. No. How about. No. Got. No. Oh yeah......

*click for the whole sound effect thing and to be dramatic.*

And here we go.....

[Catherine]

Both the dragon and Redbeard froze when they heard the music playing, something catchy but not country or hip hop and definitely not rap. I did consider classical for a moment but thought the string instruments, pianos and other classical instruments would make everyone fall asleep.

"Hey this is catccccccccczzzzzzzzzz."

While classical can be catchy it can be sleep inducing until either the drums or horn section. That and it doesn’t sound as good if not heard in person and I doubt I could carry a orchestra section in my bag.  I would be scared on what I would find really when I needed them. It would be all, "Hold please, this scene needs classical music. " reach into the bag and eek!

I stepped out to the end of Wiener’s snout and in my head Imagined smoke and lights and a large screen behind me showing well me. All along the music is playing. *cough cough* Can someone turn down the imaginary smoke?

"In this corner standing at an adorable size at a height she says is perfect for her and weighing at [censored] is Monkey!"

[insert crowd going wild]

I take it all on as I throw my hands up in the air and hold them there as the crowd continues. Dramatically I point down at the dragon and the hill and the crowd goes quiet.

"Why did she point down for?"

"Shhh... we need to be quiet this is suppose to be quiet."

"Oh okay."

Both of them just lay there frozen as I pull my hand back and draw it across my throat which makes the crowd go wild. I jump in the air and do a flip to add the wow factor into this whole scene because it has been missing.

Speed lines appear around me as I fall and an action blurbie thingie appears when I land WACHAA!

Time to show the boys how it is done.

*crack fingers* Snap, crackle and Ow........ *wave hands in the air*

[Catherine]

I stop only feet away from the both of them and cross my arms and nod once dramatically. It would have been nice if I had a short round at the moment, that could have strum the bass guitar once and taken the whole moment to jaw dropping. Either the dragon or Redbeard would have nudged the other with their elbow and go "Look at that!" Of course I smiled too, light glinting of teeth with one of those lense flares hovering right there always is wow. Of course that is until it gets in your eyes and then it just hurts. Like a bug flew into it but brighter and more solar.

Everything went quiet and a light breeze kicked the dirt up to make it swirl in front of me.  Coolness level +1. Slow moving pigeons were flying behind me I think. I didn't want to tell them both to wait and look. That would have ruined the moment. Coolness level +1. Then there was the cape fluttering in the wind behind me and  since it was the right size and not super hero long that is a coolness level +1. Don't have me start on my length of super hero cape theory. How most are just not creative so they copy off other hero's.

"Oh look he has a cape. Hmmmm.... it doesn't go with my barely there outfit but hey a little more cloth won't hurt,and there would be less drooling and eye covering if I had one."

Then there is the whole 'how is that possible?' with some of those capes. I mean really how can anyone walk around with some of those capes? I am pretty sure there would be a lot of Urking when they try to do things.

I will sneak up on these criminals and scare them because I based my costume on a scary nighttime animal they gets caught in people's hair. "Fear me villains I am the creature of the night man that I cannot say since it was urk!"

Never going to work out and eventually they will waken up and go with short capes. Not short enough to look like a tissue is wrapped around your neck that people try to blow their nose on and not long enough you will be stepping on it when you take a step or even if you don't. Long capes always get under foot somehow, it is their thing.

Anyways standing there and not yawning and I try to do something cool. PTOW pPTOW, two hands finger gun and blow off the tips. Both the dragon and Redbeard looked at each other and blinked. That is never a good sign. Hmm.... think little monkey girl what did the wrestlers do on tv when my brother watched it every Saturday. It was like torture, I kept telling him what was going to happen and when he shot me a dirty look I shrugged and answered with "scripted",

*mental fingers snap*

I inhale and stomp one foot, "Are you ready to rumble? Ohhhhh yeahhhh."

That should do it, no wait for either blank stares or witty remark before continuing

This may take long so  go get some popcorn or go to the bathroom.

[Catherine]

I take a step forwards towards Redbeard and the dragon, a confident one because that is what you need to do if you don't want anyone pointing and laughing.

"What is she doing? She knows she making a fool of herself right?"

Ha Ha. Nope! Confident step and no tripping either. In fact the step was so full of confidence I think I saw one of them shake or they were getting ready like one of those gunslingers in the old west movies. Itchy fingers  is what I think they called it. Not sure why they didn't scratch their fingers or ick, maybe they were just dirty and had fleas.

I freeze with that thought and look towards both Redbeard and the dragon to see if they have anything little black things jumping off of the them or around them or anywhere close to them. If there was I would perform the "uh no" and just walk away, Fleas are not on my bucket list, let me check and nope.

With another step I could tell that it was a shake and not an itchy finger or other body part. OH YEAH!

*pause and take a mental deep breath.*

Almost lost myself to the scripted, i was wondering why I was starting to get the urge to smack my face with a metal chair or throw thumb tacks on the ground and for some reason or another find myself having tons of thumbtacks on my body. Of course if that happened there would have been a loud "OW!" Followed by crying and if someone told me to 'man up' there would be a crying sniffling growl.

Then with another step I put the plan into motion. Plan 'Throw your hands up in the air because you just don't..' Okay need to work on that name, but I do throw my hand up and yell!

"Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Their reaction was priceless, if I didn't have my hands up I would have snapped a photo. The dragon and Redbeard took of running, scrambling at first so I had a choice to make.

"Eeny meany miney moe catch a monkey by the tail. When she hollers let her go. Eeny meany miney and you are not it."

[target acquire and engines on full.]

I run forward with both hands up to make me 'look' scary. This will be fun.

[Catherine]

All I needed was one of them to make an example off of. While theirs was scripted mine wasn't mwhahahaha. Okay that came out wrong. Too scripted wrestler and less not.

My tail cracks in the air behind me. CRACK! I think just to add something to the moment and Redbeard's and the dragon's eyes opened even wider. From like this size to THIS size. Not sure how their eyeballs stayed in their eyes and for a moment I thought they would shoot their eyes out at me like missies. *Four times eyeball PTO*

"Hey stop looking at me,"would have a completely different meaning. So would "the eyes have it."

It would be scary though, I mean just think about it. I could have my eye shot out by an eye!

No shooting though thank monkey it might have been like running on marbles and that would have ruined the scene.

"Grrr..... I will geeeeee wooooo whopp Hey I am Hey wow can't get my footing!�

Less grrr I am mean and ready to RULE you and more like gravity hates me. Ugh upper case rule, the scripted wrestling must be infectious or something. If I start ripping my shirt off please tase me or maybe hit me over the head with something. That sounds wrestling too, oh god I am infected! Is this how it ends, the world! Like some zombie plague but even worst! Will I start eating thumbtacks for sustenance? Which are hard on the teeth. Wanting to feel the high of the top rope? More wrestler stuff.... this is terrible!!!

Is there a cure? There has to be I hope. Oh my monkey I want to wear a cartoonishy large belt and thrust it above my head.  Lights blinding me as I do and the crowd yelling  my name with signs that were ‘made' by them but are always appropriate.

I can't go out this way. I have to.... I have to.... oh yeah! I have to.....

*faint adorably*

[Catherine]

The darkness was nice at first, calm and relaxing, then it started to jerk back and forth. "This isn't good", I say in the darkness and I can hear my voice echo back which wasn't helping at all.

"Can someone," I start to say and the echo was Immediate and I bring my hands up to my ears trying to muffle the echoes. This is so wrong, I tell myself in my head so it didn't echo, black outs were never like this before.

Faint, reach for the ground and fall down adorably and safely. Watching for any rocks. Then relax in total darkness that is at a comfortable temperature until the story calls for me to wake up, rested of course.

This time it was like riding a bull or on a boat in the rough sea. Back and forth over an over. If there was a way to get vertigo in total darkness I had found it because I was getting the blackout urps.

"Will you stop please," I begged, if I could drop to my knees and beg I would have. Back and forth over and over. My face had to be turning green, which isn't a good shade for my face at all. I tried it once and I got the whole queazy feeling and well it didn't end nice. Brother laughed and shot him a nasty look afterwards, arms crossed and tongue out.

"My neck is getting sore...."

Back and forth over and over.

"My head....."

Back and forth never ending. What is wrong with this blackout? Did the scripting mess up my blackout? I haven't said "oh yeah" or anything.

I am going to urp. Please urp. It will be really hard to clean in the darkness... urp.


Too top it all off something started to rumble, I thought it was thunder at first but it sounded odd.

"Ake" and something else.

"Ake" and something else.

"Ake" and something else.

Please don't be offering me cake I am going to urp and ruin it if you are.

The rocking back and forth got stronger and if a person can cry in a blackout I was. I think my head was ready to pop off too!

"Please no cake...." I chanted to myself over and over. This was torture.rocking back and forth and offering cake. How am I suppose to eat it. One moment it is close and as soon as I try to take a bite it is far away. That and I am ready to urp.

I closed my eyes and silently begged but everything continues. Oblivious to my begging. Regrettably I open my eyes and pull back, what the? I can feel my heart start to race, yours would to if you were as close as I was to Redbeard.

"I don't need mouth to mouth...."

[Catherine]

I pull back and bring my hands up in front of me, "Sorry I need to see your certification to see if you are properly certified to preform mouth to mouth.  I know a lot of certifies were just said but yeah.... maybe we should reconsider this."

Redbeard just sat there with me looking at hill lips. At some point he exhaled at WOW! My bother's dirty gym clothes had nothing on this. I could already feel my lungs begin to burn and my eyes start to water.

"Personal space violation," I gag, "yellow flag thrown if I had one. Twenty yard penalty, please move from here to over there," pointing to over there, " out of the way of your breath and down wind." 

Again just standing, staring and mouth open and I got to asking myself, was this one of his special movies? The ˜tear jerker' you will cry when you smell me. With the power of my breath you will be tapping out! Oh yeah! I threw that last part in for you know wrestling. To give it that authentic wrestling feel.

I reach into my bag, grab something And hope it is mouthwash and spray. Without even looking I point and shoot, SPRITZ! A fresh flowery scent fills the air and Redbeard starts to gag, dropping me as he tries to catch his not flowery breath.

"Sorry," I yell out after doing a three point landing, "thought I grabbed something else but hey your breath smells better now."

Redbeard took a couple more steps back and I think I heard the dragon chuckle. Which I am sure didn't help at all. Out of nowhere Redbeard pulled something out, ran it down his arm in quick flick and there was fire.

What was he going to do with that, I ask myself. Flick it at me? Inside I was laughing, I was flammable but not that flammable. Oh and match, step out of the way as it arcs in the air towards me of course the flame going to as it does.

Up went the match as Redbeard inhaled and WHOOSH!

Have you seen a fireball coming towards you before? I just did and so marking that off my bucket list as I dive out of the way.

"Hey you aren't suppose to be breathing fire!!!"

[Catherine]

I dive out of the way of the fireball expecting to hear Redbeard to at least give me a warning or something like shouting "Hadouken!" Let a girl know that you are throwing a fireball in her direction so she has time to prepare. Some of us don't like the singed hair look.

*proudly hold hand up*

Do you know what it takes to get your hair back to looking good after a fireball or explosion? Let me tell you.... a lot! There are several shampooings, conditioner, maybe a hair coloring to get the singe color out, then styling gel and mirror time  with brushes and combs to get that just perfect wait a moment..... oksy now it is perfect look.

Okay there are some who do like it, mad scientists and those people who I call lobsters. You know those people, with the bright red skin from either taking a fireball to the body or getting and full sun burn and thinking it looks natural. Every time they move they grit their teeth and if something touches them they scream in pain. Yeah I am not one of them, monkey not lobster. So don't drip butter on me,

I dive and roll, tail following behind me because like me it does not like the thought of being burned to a crisp. Up I go onto my feet and I turn to point at Redbeard to scold him and got to about mid point before eeping and diving out of the way again from another fireball.  Okay one I will let pass but two!

"This is going against canon,"I yell out as I fly through the air, "dwarves don't spit fireballs and spitting is nasty by the way."

I hit the ground and roll, shooting Redbeard a nasty but adorable look so he knew I wasn't too happy. Again one of the ‘I don't like being singed by a fireball' crowd. There is a movement starting up and you can tweet us at #notacharcoalbriquette, we do have some big names in the movement I just can't tell you any of them since we took the ‘don't want a third degree' oath.

Standing there watching Redbeard, after putting him on point, I remember the old saying, ‘The third time is a charm' and count the number of fireballs, then gulp. Quickly I look around, I didn't want to see or feel the third time is a charm bit and dove for something I just happened to see, thank monkey for safety regulations.

I don't hesitate and dive, grab, pull the pin, spin, pull the trigger and yell "Eat fire retardant foam!"

White foam goes flying and I laugh madly as I continue to pull the trigger spraying foam anywhere and everywhere. Even there and there and way over there. Got the bird that was flying by to if you were going to ask.

One empty fire extinguisher later and I think I may have went a little overboard. Taking it from Smokey would be proud to hey let's party in the foam rave feel I think.

"Hello," I call out, "if you are here to party I would recommend going somewhere else. Hello?"

Okay yeah I went too far, I blame foam madness for this.

"Hello!"

[Catherine]

"Hello!" I call out trying to move some of the foam out of the way and failing each time. Every time I ask myself why would anyone need this much foam? I understand that some fires are big but come on....

I call out again, "Hello!" If Redbeard or the dragon come running out at me I swear I will scream. This is like some twisted horror movie, ‘Suds - pop pop pop'. Okay that isn't the scariest title but I think but I am pretty sure that no one will be taking a bubble bath anymore.

"What just touched my leg? When did an octopus get in my tub?"

"Ah relaxing.... Was that a shark fin? Why is there duh duh music playing?"

"Well shoot I just dropped the bar of soap. I will just reach down and hey let go of my arm!  I said let go blorp blorp blorp."

Definitely not a movie that the kids should see. Parents already have a hard enough time getting some to bath already.

"Um mom that rubber duck is giving me a funny look. Mom it is just licked it's bill. MOM IT HAS KITCHEN UTENSILS!!!"

I continue to push forward, no way was I going to sit there and give up. It would be awful embarrassing when asked how I died i answered foam. I can hear the laughter already.

"Hello!" I call out again as I continue to move forward. If I remember correctly something was over in this direction. I am just hoping it was,something that didn't want to wrestle, that can was kicked. Off in the distance I thought I heard something so I do What others would do in my situation. 

Put adorable sunglasses on so the soap doesn't sting my eyes and run forwards. As I went falling off the edge into volcano I knew I should have ran the other way. Stupid soap bubbles and acoustics. You two should never work together.

Oh and falling scream.


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.............

 

[Catherine]

Did I tell you I was screaming and or yelling or a mixture of those two? Kind of hard to tell when you are falling towards red hot lava! Not stuff that was special effects like red jello with something in it with lights below it to give it that oh I am hot and you will be screaming when you touch me look or computer generated. I am pretty sure it isn't, I can feel the heat which is HOT and I don't see any pixels but of course I am falling and that is the last thing you look for when you are doing that.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa a pixel! I don't have to worry now. Pixels make falls safe." THUMP CRASH! "Owwwwwwwww......"

See that doesn't work at all, that only work in computer generated cartoons and those pixels are always just slightly off color. Then it only works if that is what it is suppose to do, if not there is a sudden stop at the end with a hole that is shaped like you.

*ninja tip - carry a parachute just in case if you are near cliffs or expecting to fall a lot from tall heights. Best to be prepared and not trying to find one as you fall.*

Frantically I reach into my bag, it has had other things that I didn't remember packing in it so why not now. Nope. Nada. Nope. This isn't looking good. Nope. Another nada. Where did this come from? Nothing. Nest egg, had to throw something else in. How did this get in there? Nope. Nothing.

I look down towards the approaching lava. This is going to hurt so much, hope I have enough aloe Vera. How do you get lava stains out of clothes?  What? That is stupid, my clothes would just burn off. My shoes!  They are my favorite I don't want to get lava all over them. Another stupid. It has to be the falling, last moments of your life and your mind is grasping for anything but things that could actually stop you before stop. Oh yeah aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...........

Just in case you forgot I was falling.

[Catherine]

Everything goes peaceful for a moment and it feels like I am flying and I spread my arms out just like I have seen the people on tv do. I always thought it would be fun, I even asked my dad several times if he would take me and he always said when I was older. Asking mom always got me a pat on the head and "no". I even asked my brother once, that is how desperate I got and he just laughed but look who is laughing now! Ha ha ha ha ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........

What am I doing? They had parachutes and I don't! They have ground to land on and I have lava to scream in. It had to be the while life flashing in front of my eyes and since it is really hot I am getting delusional.

Is this where my story ends? With a splash and a lot worse than third degree burns as I get burnt into a cinder. It can't be I have more words to say and the writer still hasn't complained about her hands getting all cramped from writing all of my little adventures down.

Of course that doesn't stop anything, reality doesn't say "Woooo... she is right. Put her back at the top." No it lets me to continue to scream and fall. Hand comes to face when I realize why Redbeard or the dragon hasn't come to save me, the foam ! They are probably still lost in it and thinking that the screaming is some type of siren or a foam banshee that had been released and not one cute adorable monkey girl falling to a red hot splash.

I needed to do something and then the light bulb went off, then got burned up so another one went off when I streaked past a bird that was just floating there.

"Hey........."

Quickly I rummaged through my bag and pulled out the suit. Don't ask me where I got it since I don't really know and at this moment that is the last thing on my mind. Quickly I slipped my arms and legs in, my tail helping me with the zipper and threw out my arms  and legs.

WHOOSSSSHHHHHHHH.

It worked! Monkey girl in flying squirrel suit one and lava zero. Ha ha ha. You thought you had me there but nope. Suddenly there was an eruption of lava shooting towards me.

"hey, stop that ,"I said as I did a fancy spin to the side and out of the way.

"I wish I could fly..." I started to sing and since I am afraid of the copyright police that is as far as I am going to sing too. Don't need one of the copyright police jumping on my back and yelling at me, "You have broken copyright now fall and burn....."

"I wish I could fly.... what am I saying since I am flying now. Duh duh Duh."